Akatsuki Kitten: Phoenix Corporation Overhaul
by phoenixyfriend
Summary: In the world of parodies, logic is a power all of its own. An OC doesn't need to be special to be interesting, and romance isn't a necessity. When the Akatsuki fall into the real world, catty to the extreme, well... only more can follow, right?
1. Prologue: Ranting and Kidnapping

Headquarters of the Phoenix Corporation:

The virtual existence twitched as she read more. "I heard these were popular to write, but…"

She went back a page and tried to find another one. "Seriously, three out of four of these Akatsuki kitten stories are absolutely terrible! There are _rules_ that should be followed when you write something! I know I've said before that there are no 'rules of fanfiction,' but there is a format, and there are rules for writing in general! Don't include text talk in conversation unless you're having a character show a screen with a message to someone else or something! Keep it left aligned! Insert paragraph breaks when you switch speakers! Don't put a space between quotation marks and what is being said! Use actual grammar and SPELL CHECK, IDIOTS!" She was practically frothing at the mouth. "And the OCs! If you're going to have OCs, make them believable! Don't make the Akatsuki fall in love with them at the drop of a hat, especially if there's no reason and there's a ridiculous age difference! Pedophilia is disgusting, no matter how immortal the character claims to be! GAH! It's times like this when I'm tempted to break my own self-imposed rules on profanity!"

"Um, boss?" A head peeked in through the door. "What are you doing? I can hear the exclamation points you're talking with all the way from the monitor room. Which reminds me, we've been keeping time at a standstill in Impossible for a while; you need to get on that."

"These Akatsuki kitten stories, there's so many of them." Phoenix groaned, putting her head in her hands. "But they all sound the same, and most of them are absolutely horrific. I mean, I've read more of the stories than I should have even considered."

"What do you mean?" Goldstone lent against the wall, arms crossed loosely.

"You know how I read that guide a couple of weeks ago, and try to follow it somewhat? You know, keep to it loosely enough that I continue reading a story if it breaks one of the rules, but usually not if it breaks two? Well, with these Akatsuki kitten stories, I've even tried reading some that break three, because there are so few that don't break any, I can't find enough to read to actually get a decent grasp on the story types or get a decent enjoyment out of them." Her head was still buried in her arms.

"So, what do you want me to do? Write one yourself and meddle." Goldstone shrugged. "That's what you've done when a large number of stories have annoyed you before. Same thing goes for when you've actually _liked_ the clichés behind a certain type of fic. Write a Fix Fic for the Akatsuki Kitten and general 'Akatsuki comes to the real world' clichés, and be done with it."

Phoenix lifted her head and stared at her subordinate. "I can't. I've got too many stories already."

"No… I'm pretty sure you can keep up. Besides, this one will be on the backburner compared to the rest anyways. Give it a shot; you know that's what you'll end up doing anyways."

Phoenix stretched in her chair, getting the kinks out of her back. "That's not the main problem, and you know it. What are the chances that I'll end up writing something completely original? What are the chances that I have an actual plot idea that involves something that won't break my own base for OCs or anything else? A story where the characters come to their own conclusions without seeming like complete idiots? How am I supposed to do that?"

"You could make it so that the one that finds them is a reader that more or less exists as a self-expy, in a base-copy world that would recognize the name of Phoenix?" Goldstone suggested.

Phoenix blinked. "Ignoring the self-expy bit, what makes you think that we could pull something like that off without irritating the readers?"

"Nuh-uh. No ignoring the self-expy. You need a self-expy. I'm not saying a full self-insert, but you need someone that'll follow logic similar to yours, or at least has as much logic as a self-insert, possibly even the Mary-Sue I was turning into before you terminated the project, would. We need to use someone that wouldn't fangirl, or this story will end up a disaster. That reminds me, you could make the one that discovers them a boy…" She trailed off and Phoenix's nose wrinkled.

Goldstone shrugged. "Yeah, that probably wouldn't work; you aren't particularly good at writing from a boy's perspective. But we can't really make our main character an idiot, or a fangirl. As for your other concern: you've meddled directly before. You're meddling in concerns to Impossible: you've even sent us out to talk to them. _You_ wrote yourself in and directly talked to them in Advisor. I'm pretty sure there isn't going to be a big fuss if you write this. It's not like you're some insanely popular writer that's suddenly going to receive dozens upon dozens of flames for doing this. No one really cares enough to do that." She dodged the paperweight that was 'suddenly' flying towards her. She deadpanned, "Thanks, really."

"Love you too." Phoenix said. "I get it; I really do. It could work, but I'm not sure it would really work _that_ way. I'm not sure I can do this and actually come up with something that doesn't suck."

Goldstone shrugged and then pushed herself off of the wall. "Do as you will. Just stop short-selling yourself. I may not be real, but I've heard your friends, few as they are, praise your writing skills before, and it's my job to keep you from falling into a funk like you do all the time. I'm the closest thing you have to a sense of positive self-esteem sometimes, so stop being emo on the level of an Uchiha."

Phoenix stuck her tongue out at her subordinate, and then sighed. "When in the timeline?"

Goldstone paused in the doorway. "Who are you bringing?"

"Did you really think I'd limit myself to just the Akatsuki?" Phoenix questioned with a sad smile.

"You want to save Sasuke, don't you?" Goldstone asked, and grinned when her boss shrugged helplessly. "There's a reason you're so terrible at character bashing, boss. You and your bleeding heart; at least, it is when it comes to fictional characters."

"So I prefer helping characters before they go off the deep end rather than killing them off or bashing them into oblivion. I can't be the only one."

"Or you just mock them until they all become Butt Monkeys. Still, you do that to everyone at some point, so it doesn't really matter. If you're still wondering when to toss them in from, I think just before the Kage Summit Arc should work. It should be before Danzo gets the Fire Daimyo to make him Hokage, probably before the Hachibi thing too, but definitely after Sasuke finds out about Itachi. I'll talk Nightingale into bringing the dead ones back from whatever afterlife they're in for you from within the worlds."

"He's going to hate us so much for this." Phoenix said lightly.

"You? Yes. Me? Of course not. He loves me too much for that. You aren't as awesome as I am."

"Don't mock your creator."

"Don't treat your creations like work horses."

"You barely have to do anything!"

"I'm still overworked!"

o.o.o.o.o

Konan and Nagato were in a misty dimension. They were, oddly enough, not looking at one another, despite Nagato's recent death. No, they were looking at the young blonde man, seemingly sitting on a floating invisible armchair, in front of them.

"Who are you?" Nagato asked, though he was _slightly_ preoccupied by wondering at his living and _healthy_ body. "Why are we here?"

The blonde boy shrugged, and flicked his head to the side to move his bangs, even that one random black streak, out of his eyes. "I'm Agent Nightingale of the Phoenix Corporation. As it is, the boss is probably running a bit late trying to find my associate and keep him from giving people minor psychological scarring with a freedom blast again, so you'll have to wait a while."

"A freedom blast?" Konan asked.

He shrugged again. "He jumps out of the floor, screaming 'FREEDOM!' at the top of his lungs, and runs off, laughing about how he'll never be captured by his psychotic cousin again. Of course, the cousin in question is my girlfriend, and even though I find the whole thing hilarious, she thinks it's annoying when he does that. She laughs sometimes, but he tends to give people the wrong impression about her, so she usually gives him an earful about it afterwards."

Konan and Nagato just stared at him.

"I'm not insane, and I'm not here willingly. Bringing the dead back takes a lot of energy, and I don't like doing it, because it always feels like something cold and slimy is slipping its way around my insides. It's creepy." He shuddered. "I can't eat anything for hours afterwards."

Konan and Nagato… just kept staring. The boy sighed. "You know, you'd think that, being ninja, you'd have a bit more of an open mind."

He waited a few more seconds. "Okay, mate, you died, like, three days ago. You're finally healthy enough to actually make out with your girlfriend there—" both Akatsuki leaders sputtered at that, "So go ahead and do something. If the only problem is my presence here, I can leave. Talk, make out, play a board game, I don't care. Just please don't make it so that I'm the only one that's talking or doing anything at all."

There were a few moments of silence, which were broken by a gap appearing in the mist. "Nyxus? That you?"

"No names, Goldstone!" The blonde boy shouted. "Titles only!"

"Fine, Nightingale." A girl walked sedately into the rough triangle that was formed by the people there. "Boss and Jay are almost here."

"Was he freedom blasting again?"

"What?" The girl asked. "No, we just had to get the rest of Akatsuki moved and changed, while they were all unconscious, nonetheless, and then Lady Phoenix took a few minutes to threaten Tobi with atomization so that he continues to act like GoodBoy!Tobi, rather than FakeMadara!Tobi or the normal Evil!Tobi."

"Is he going to be a problem?" Nyxus, as his name apparently was, asked.

"No. After all," She suddenly grinned, as creepy as she could make herself. "Tobi is a _good_ boy, right?"

"Your explanation is valid." Agent Nightingale—whose earlier comments seemed to imply that he did not enjoy being called by his name during working hours—crossed his arms. "So… why are you here?"

Goldstone shrugged. "Boss sent me. Seemed to think you were teasing the guests or something."

There was silence.

"Yeah… I thought so."

"You'll give them a debriefing?" Nightingale asked. "I already brought back all the dead people I had to, so I'm dead tired, and most of them are apparently in stasis right now, so I really want to go home and take a long, hot shower and a nap."

"Sure, go home. I'll come by later and we can have dinner." She waved him off, and he disappeared with a grin on his face. She turned back to the two Akatsuki members, who had been whispering among themselves. She crossed her arms and stared them right in the eyes, first at Konan, then at Nagato.

"Okay, you guys are going to be sent to a different dimension, and you will be kittens."

"What." Nagato said, voice flat. Konan simply looked at the girl, wide-eyed.

"Kittens. Baby cats. They're the tiny adorable fluffy bundles of cuteness that you can't help but hug. Not forever, mind you; there will be ways for you to turn back, it's just that they won't all be the same, and it'll take a while for our… helper… to figure out how. You two, and the rest of Akatsuki, living, dead, and buried in random holes near Konoha, will be bought back to life if necessary, turned into kittens, and sent to a different world. We'll eventually send other people over too, but you two and two others are the only ones getting the full story. One of the others is Tobi, but that's because we need him nice and scared of Lady Phoenix so that he doesn't make trouble. He will, as a result, be staying in his good boy persona the entire time unless given our permission to do otherwise. The other person is a good friend of yours, though dead, and he, as our control over dramatic timing due to the powers of the story will allow, is coming through the mist with our boss right now." She waved a hand behind the two.

Nagato and Konan turned around and saw three figures coming out of the mist. One walked forward a bit more quickly than the others, as though nervous and anxious. Nagato and Konan stiffened when they saw just who it was. Said person smiled weakly and waved a hand, and Konan finally reacted, running forward and flinging her arms around her old, dead friend, and Nagato followed a second later.

"Yahiko!"

o.o.o.o.o

Goldstone is currently being projected outward from a hologram projector in your computer. Please listen to her message.

"As was mentioned by me, this story will be put on the backburner compared to the others. A second story, which will not involve direct contact with the Phoenix Corporation, may also be written, following a more standard plot, like other fics. Phoenix would also like you to know that this story, unlike others, was made, not because of the plot bunny that was running around her head, though that was a factor, but because of a lack of prominent and decent fics that were using such a premise. WE ARE NOT saying that there are no good Akatsuki Kitten or Akatsuki Come to the Real World fics. It's just that most of them kind of suck. This story also may or may not develop a plot. Part of the dialogue has also revealed something that will apply to all of Phoenix's works: she doesn't bash. She will mock them, and turn them into Butt Monkeys, and if you don't know what that is, it is not as dirty as it sounds; look it up on TvTropes. She will try to head them of before it goes too far, as she is making an attempt to do with Sasuke in this and several other fics. She will humiliate them in unheard of manners if their character does something to annoy her. But she won't bash. She may bash real world things (this really only applies to overly zealous fangirls that appear in most stories, and in real life, and things that are bashed every day by everyone and their uncle, like Twilight and Justin Bieber). Phoenix's rant about the formatting of a fic also applies, so please follow at least those parts (like the paragraph alignment and such) when you can. Fun Fact: apparently, she especially hates it when people write dialogue with a space between the quotations and the actual dialogue. It's kind of her pet peeve. If you don't like the treatment of a character please leave a comment, but leave a reason as well: what is it that doesn't sit right with you? For now, just have fun with the story, but leave a review. This is probably the only time an Author's note will be handled like this."

The hologram has been terminated.

NOTE: Story has been removed and re-uploaded because it didn't really show up the first time. Even if one went to the user page or author page or whatever it's called, it wasn't there with the other stories.


	2. Meet Your New Owner

"Alright." Phoenix clapped her hands, leaning back in her chair. "What are we gonna do for our OC? Come on, kids, I need some suggestions."

"Jade for the name? It's pretty common, especially in fanfiction, and it's not particularly indicative of anything." Jay, otherwise known as Agent Chimera, suggested. He swept a long, dark purple bang behind his ear, and a sleek ponytail fell down past his shoulder blades.

"Anyone got a problem with Jade? No? Fine, Jade it is. What should we do for the last name?" Phoenix asked.

"How about something like Gonzalez?" Agent Diamond asked. "You like having your characters be bilingual, and Spanish is the most believable language. At least, it is if you're writing the OC into part of the US. You are, aren't you?"

"Yeah. We should probably make it in a place that's pretty barren, since it's Akatsuki and a number of them are pretty ambiguously violent… though putting it somewhere more populated would allow for a better interaction with modern society." Phoenix mused, hand on her chin.

"Wyoming?" Goldstone suggested with a small smirk on her face.

"Yes, yes, let's make fun of Wyoming." Phoenix rolled her eyes. "Didn't I just say that we need at least some opportunity for city-based interaction? Cheyenne is as big as it gets there, and even that's not particularly big."

"So, maybe we should make her in small town, with some suburbs, within easy reach of both a city and some rural areas?" Agent Nightingale suggested. "We could probably just make it some small unnamed town in Colorado or California, maybe even Nevada. I think Colorado would be best though. I like the Rocky Mountains."

"Does a small unnamed town a few dozen miles from Boulder sound good?" Phoenix looked around again, then bent over the computer and typed some more stuff up. "Alright, that's settled. Back to the last name thing though… I like the idea of her being half-Mexican, half-native-born American with a mixed Caucasian background, but I don't like the name Gonzalez for some reason. I now a few people name Martinez, but they probably wouldn't like it if I used their names… maybe Juarez? Jade Juarez. Yeah, that sounds good, and it looks sort of cool since both parts start with a 'J'." She nodded. "Right. Jade Juarez it is. Family and living situation?"

"She should live alone." A male voice called out. The boy, with somewhat frizzy brown hair and a rather plain face, had on a choker with a large piece of smoky quartz in the middle. This boy was known, then, as Agent Quartz, or otherwise as Agent Aeris. "It's common in other stories, so we can attribute it to being part of this story's status as being somewhat a parody. Still, having parents or siblings with her would complicate things in ways that would be too troublesome to deal with."

"Orphan, parents died in a car crash ten years before the start of the storyline, when she was seven. She lives in a small, two bedroom house, supported by money sent by an aunt and money left by her parents. Older brother off at college, five year age difference, he visits every couple of months. Let's make it so that her parents and aunt were or are relatively wealthy, so that she can actually buy stuff for her new little kittens. Maybe we'll send in some money to help, too. Intelligence is high enough to be doing calculus in Junior year, because I want to do the thing with the integrals that I was planning on writing in. I find it funny, even if no one else will." Phoenix stated, typing it out quickly. The people around her, her subordinates, nodded along with varying amounts of approval and interest.

"It's good enough." A dark-skinned boy, with green-striped brown hair and an earring with an emerald in it, said: Agent Emerald. "We gonna do any romance?"

"Eh… no. No boyfriend, somewhat introverted. Maybe some flirting with the younger Akatsuki members, but nothing serious; we want to parody other stories and mock them, not be them." Phoenix stated. Then she pouted in an over-the-top manner and folded her arms haughtily, though they could see a playful smile threatening to break through. "Besides, I don't like writing romance."

"We've got the OC set up. What we've got in general is good enough for a background. A small amount of personality that we can expound on later, a history with some tragedy but not overly so… she isn't going to be angsting about it, right?" Goldstone queried.

"Nah. I can't really write angst, and if it happened a decade before the time that we're writing, it's not going to be that big of a presence unless it's their anniversary of death or someone starts commenting on it in a really rude manner. At least, I don't think it should be; I don't take psych until next year, so I'm not exactly sure whether that would qualify for normal, but I think it should, right?"

All Phoenix got in response was a series of shrugs, with an exasperated sigh from the blonde to her left, Agent Opal.

"Can we move on?" the scarred girl asked, shifting the extremely long necklace with the opal pendant to the side.

"Sure. I mean, we already got Chimera to alter their appearances from what is considered kitty-canon so that it's harder for our lovely OC to guess who they are right off the bat, though some of them are possibly going to be annoyed by that, so I think we're actually good for now. I'll call you if I need more to do." Phoenix dismissed them.

"Just remember to tell the readers, boss." Goldstone chimed as the others left the room to go do whatever it was that they did. "You know, that you don't actually have voices of us in your head, and we really are just OCs."

Phoenix waved a hand, and then paused. "Think they'll figure out who Jay and Diamond were originally? I mean, they were pretty much the only canon characters from your little group that existed in that crossover story I originally wrote you guys into."

Goldstone pondered. "If you mention that his hair was black before he got bored of it, and comment on Mage's hair and skin a bit more, we might have a few winners. I don't think that it's very likely though. They've changed a lot since you got your hands on them. With what you've put us through, we've all changed from the scared little tweens we were originally. After all, a person is a result of the experiences they've had and the thoughts they've had along the way. You gave us experiences that made us change." She shrugged.

Phoenix frowned and leaned back. "It's not really like that. Diamond was still pretty young when her world's canon timeline ended, and Chimera was basically an OC stand-in. He only had two or three lines of dialogue to be characterized by, so it's not like we really got much insight into his character, and he was only twelve or thirteen or so at the time."

"Well, let's hope they can put together the clues." Goldstone stood up and headed towards the monitors that watched all the stories that her boss was currently working on. "I really want to think that our readers are smart enough to figure it out. And if they aren't, it's probably our fault for making them so vague and out of character that it's impossible to tell."

o.o.o.o.o

The Akatsuki, or at least most of them, living and dead, were in a box. Said cardboard box was one that they couldn't get out of, and was letting in very little light. Kakuzu and Hidan were hissing at each other in the middle of the box, quarreling over something that they really should have gotten over by now. Tobi, who had arrived in a flash of light a few minutes after the rest of them woke up in the box, somewhat shaken, presumably from his landing, was glomping Deidara, happy that his sempai was alive again, albeit in the form of a small kitten; Deidara, in turn, was ignoring Tobi and attempting to start up a conversation with Sasori, who was, in turn, trying to ignore them both in vain. Itachi lay down against one wall of the box, wondering why exactly he could see more than what had become normal for him; he had been pretty much legally blind after all, and now he could see as well as he had before he'd gotten the Mangekyo. Kisame watched them all, a bit unnerved; he was also nosing along his back a bit every once in a while, probably gloomy over the fact that Samehada was gone. Zetsu was talking to himself—Him-selves? Themselves?—in the corner; he seemed to be trying to sink through the ground to get out, but he couldn't seem to do it.

Itachi, unlike many of the present Akatsuki members, was wondering about just where their leader was, as well as Konan, the pretty kunoichi that gave them their orders from the leader when there weren't actual meetings. She otherwise visited the Akatsuki base rather often to, at least officially, make sure that they were following orders, doing missions, and weren't wallowing in their own waste or living like wild animals.

She didn't exactly trust the men very much when it came to taking care of their hygiene.

Itachi looked around at the Akatsuki members all over the place, hoping that eventually someone would step up, take temporary leadership, and get all the others to just _shut up_. Thankfully, Kisame seemed to have a similar idea to Itachi, and took the helm himself.

"OI! Everyone line up! Leader-sama isn't here, and neither is Konan, so I'm in charge since I've been in the organization the longest." He glared around at the others. He was an extremely large tabby with the dark lines becoming spots instead along his back. His fur was the same colors as his skin and hair before he was sent to this world, with the lines under his eyes being slightly thicker and darker than normal tabbies'. "I'm also the biggest one here, and I'm pretty sure none of you can use your jutsu, so that means I'm currently also the most powerful. I want to get an idea of what everyone remembers from just before they were sent here. Sasori, you first."

The small red cat, at the end of the line with Deidara on one side and Tobi on the other, stepped forward, a barely annoyed look passing over his face. "I remember dying at the hands of the Slug Sannin's apprentice and my grandmother." Some snickers were heard, but some quick glares from more mature members shut them up. "Afterwards, I was semi-conscious in a mist-laden plane before I was grabbed by something and dragged somewhere, turned into a kitten, and then waking up here to find myself being _hugged_ by Deidara."

Kisame nodded. "Kakuzu?"

"Hey! Why the h*** does he get to go first?" Hidan yowled.

"He's over four times your age and actually acts it. Moreover, he died first and that's kind of what I'm going by right now. Your… incapacitation can count as a death, so we'll let you go right after Kakuzu, alright? Though it doesn't explain why we're _all_ kittens; by all accounts, Kakuzu should be some sort of old geezer cat." Kisame sounded exasperated, which was rare, even when dealing with Hidan. Perhaps the loss of the Samehada was affecting him more than Itachi had thought.

Now in the form of a large and somewhat wild-looking tan and brown tabby kitten, Kakuzu stepped forward, shooting a disparaging look at his former partner. His eyes were now a simple pale green, rather than having the pale red sclera he'd had before, though it was hard to tell—there is a certain difficulty in seeing sclera on a cat. He wasn't quite as large as Kisame but he was bigger than Hidan, who in turn was bigger than everyone else that was left.

"I died at the hands of the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, around the same time that Hidan was buried alive, or at least, as alive as that brainless idiot can be. After that, my experiences mirror Sasori's up until the time when we woke up."

Kisame, deciding that things would go faster if he just did this the easy way, looked around. "Itachi, Deidara, can I assume that upon your deaths you experienced the same?" The two long-haired cats, one a pure, reflective black, eyes included, and the other a shiny blonde—though his fur was the longer of the two, not that that's particularly long compared to, say, a Persian—with extraordinarily large blue eyes, one of which was partially covered by a longer hank of fur, nodded to him in confirmation, though Deidara was more interested in throwing Tobi to the other side of the room… er, box.

"How did you even survive my suicide explosion, un?" Deidara yelled in consternation.

"Hidan?" Kisame asked, ignoring the blonde. He'd wanted to see if the same thing that happened to him applied to everyone, but he'd promised Hidan that the immortal could go next, and didn't exactly feel like dealing with Hidan if he didn't get his way.

"I was buried alive by that f***ing Konoha kid, f***ing blown to f***ing pieces, down there for f***ing ages, and then suddenly I see a white light that's going around and picking up all my f***ing body parts and next thing I know something's putting me together like f***ing puzzle pieces, then I'm f***ing unconscious, and then I'm in a f***ing box as a f***ing kitten! S***!" Hidan ranted loudly, yowling the run-on sentence like his life depended on it, with his silver fur standing on end and purple eyes almost glowing in anger by the end of his rant.

The other members sweatdropped and proceeded to sift through what Hidan had said, taking out all the profanity so that they could tell what it was that he'd actually said.

"Right…" Kisame felt the urge to sweatdrop, but resisted. "Did anything different happen to anyone else? Get a glimpse at who actually did this?"

"Oh! Oh! Tobi did!" Tobi hopped around excitedly; he was currently in the form of a small dark brown and orange kitten, a number of spots dotting his body, with a greater concentration of orange around his face than anywhere else; his left eye was completely shut for no visible reason, and the other was a flat black. "Tobi saw them! That's why Tobi was late!"

"And?" Kisame asked. Tobi had only recently revealed to him that he'd been the one controlling the Mizukage, and Kisame didn't really see why he was still playing the idiot card, but there must have been some reason other than dealing with the—undoubtedly very loud—fuss that Deidara and Hidan would put up if they learned.

Tobi started to shiver, shrinking in on himself and trying to huddle closer to Deidara, who just shifted away from him as much as he could. "She was scary."

_She?_ The members of Akatsuki wondered.

"She said that we should know that if she could send Akatsuki to alternate dimensions and have her minion turn Akatsuki into kittens, that she could also atomize Tobi if Tobi was not a good boy. But Tobi _is_ a good boy!" Tobi widened his eye, trying to look as cute and innocent as he possibly could.

Everyone else just stared. "She threatened you with atomization?" Itachi finally spoke up and asked the question on everyone's mind.

Tobi just whimpered as best a kitten could, looking adorably pathetic all the while. "Tobi thinks Akatsuki shouldn't cause trouble in this world if the scary girl is in charge of it."

"Right…" Kisame trailed off, looking around to see if anyone else thought this was actually as worthy of consideration as he did. Itachi had no expression on his face other than slightly narrowed eyes, but Kisame took that as confirmation that Itachi not only knew how dangerous Tobi really was, but also that he understood how bad it was if Tobi was scared enough to actually go along with this, if it wasn't all just an act for the masked man's amusement.

Zetsu watched closely as well, and Kisame took a moment to wonder at how much of a difference there was between Zetsu's kitten form and what Kisame would have imagined had he actually put thought into such an odd concept. Rather than being split into black and white the same way he was as a human, and with a green ruff around his neck, Zetsu was a tabby like many of the others; his patterning was in black and white, and it contrasted to the level where he looked reminiscent of a zebra. The black coloring was heavier on one side, and the white was heavier on the other, but no so much as to look unnatural. The unnatural part was the green stripes that were mixed in on his head, neck and shoulders, and the yellow eyes, though both had white sclera, instead of the right half having a black one.

"Tobi." Kisame said to get the currently childish man's attention again. "Does this mean you know where Leader is?"

"Dramatic entrance with dramatic timing, all of it due to our powers of storytelling!" A girl's voice cried out from nowhere. The Akatsuki almost instinctively huddled in a circle, all of them facing outwards to deal with whatever threat may be heading their way.

A bright flash of light appeared, and then dimmed but didn't disappear. It circled around the Akatsuki, all of whom followed the light with their eyes, and once it got too far behind them to track with just their eyes, their heads as well.

The light grew brighter again, as if it knew that they were all watching it now, and then formed a purple almost-portal. Three more kittens tumbled out: one was a blue kitten with a few white patches smeared in her fur, the largest being the two wing-like ones on her back, and one just over her right eye; one was an orange tabby kitten with a somewhat happy smile gracing his face; the third one was a kitten that looked remarkably like Sasori's current form, but slightly larger and with longer hair.

"There are three of them." Kisame muttered, unsheathing his little claws. "If it were Leader-sama and Konan there'd only be two."

The two male cats glanced at each other, and then turned to their blue companion. "You explain."

"Great, give me all the work, why don't you." The blue kitten muttered. She stalked forward and until she had all of Akatsuki within her sight. "What do you guys already know?"

There was a tense silence, which was broken by a hopeful sounding Tobi. "Konan-nee-chan?"

"Yes, I am. Now, is someone going to tell me what you've figured out by now so that I can explain just what is going on and what we were told by the girl that sent us here in the first place?" Konan couldn't cross her arms, but she could definitely sit in the regal manner that all cats—and, oddly enough, poodles—can. _Thank goodness they threatened Tobi into idiocy._

Kisame looked around at everyone, not wanting to be the one reporting to her. Itachi saw his look and, taking pity on his missions' partner, stepped forward and monotonously relegated what information they'd shared with one another to the lone female kitten in the box.

"Alright, you guys did well enough." She sighed and glanced back at her companions; the orange one smiled cheerily and gave her a kitty-wave, and the other just shrugged apologetically. Konan turned back to the kittens gathered before her. "Before anyone asks about the two that I brought with me, they're both Leader-sama… sort of, anyways."

The kittens simply stared at her, the more childish ones gaping openly, and Konan stared anywhere but at them uncomfortably. Hidan finally spoke up. "What the h*** do you mean, they _both_ are?"

"The red one is Nagato, and he had the Rinnegan, and the orange on is Yahiko. Yahiko is a friend of myself and Nagato who died years ago and, well, Nagato was using his corpse as one of the Six Paths of Pain. So Leader-sama was technically Yahiko's body, delivering the orders decided on by Nagato through the usage of chakra receivers." Konan stared down at the ground, shifting the weight on her front paws from one legs to the other, kneading the ground of the box. Some of the kittens looked vaguely disgusted, while others (no points for guessing who) looked somewhat interested.

"Before anyone asks," Yahiko bounded forward to deliver his little line, Nagato trailing along behind him to join his friends at the front; once they'd gathered, Nagato was standing at the center of their little group, "I'm completely okay with the fact that my best friend used my corpse more or less as a puppet after I died. So it's slightly less creepy. Besides, from what I've heard, it's not as if what Sasori over there does is much different, he just doesn't do it using his friends because he doesn't really have any."

There was a muffled snort from Deidara, and even Nagato looked a bit amused. Sasori frowned, but didn't bother with hissing at the rest of Akatsuki to stop mocking him.

"That's still pretty creepy, un." Deidara said after he and everyone else had stopped snickering at Sasori.

"Oh, there's no doubt about that. It's extremely creepy. It's just that I don't resent him for it." Yahiko asserted.

"How kind of you." Nagato commented drily. "Next thing I know you'll be forgiving me for killing Jiraiya."

"Oh, no. I'll accept your apology for that, considering the circumstances, but I don't think I'll be able to completely forgive you until all three of us are dead and get to apologize directly to him. Or if he's sent here, since that Phoenix girl said she was going to send in people other than Akatsuki eventually." Yahiko waved him off.

"Are you two done yet?" Konan questioned. "We've got more stuff to do and things to tell the rest."

She turned to her subordinates. "We've been sent here for the entertainment of one girl with way too much time on her hands and more power than any single being should. She calls herself Phoenix, and she brought us here as kittens more for the sake of amusing herself and mocking others than for anything else. We are, for lack of a better term, her play-toys for the time being."

"What the h***?" Hidan yelled. "Why the—"

"Hidan." Nagato said, his voice low but still carrying. "Shut up. We have a bare minimum of control over the situation. I'd like to keep what little control it is that we have for as long as possible."

Hidan hunkered down and Konan smirked. "Ladies and gentlemen, those are the brains of Akatsuki." She sidled closer to Nagato, wrapping her tail around his in a manner very reminiscent of a certain cat-based children's movie.

"Will we be able to return to human form?" Sasori asked. "Or, in my case, puppet form?"

Konan tilted her head from one side to the other. "Human: yes. Puppet: no. For the short time that we spent in that in-between world, Nagato and I saw that we had been returned to the age we were back when Yahiko died, which would be in our late twenties, for us. She may have done something similar for some of you, but it may vary from person to person. The only given she told us about was that Sasori would be returned to being fully human and that Itachi's eyesight would be restored. As for how we'd be turned back, there's a certain series of events that have to occur.

"Firstly, we're going to be taken in by a young girl. When I say young, I mean that she's younger than Deidara. Phoenix mentioned that the girl would be in her late teens, most likely sixteen or seventeen. We won't be able to understand her language, and even if we try writing, she won't be able to understand us. The language that we speak is present in this world, and is called Japanese, but this girl doesn't know it. We are also present, in a way."

The Akatsuki were bug-eyed, but no one interrupted. After all, Konan was in story-teller mode, and she mothered them rather a lot. No one interrupts when Konan tells, or reads, a story.

"We are characters in a shonen manga. Antagonists, for the most part, though…" She trailed off, and her eyes travelled over the kittens gathered before her, lingering for only the smallest of moments on Itachi. "In any case, we aren't the only ones from that series that will be showing up, we're just he first. The girl that we are staying with needs to figure out who we are, and after that there is a different cure for each of us. Phoenix mentioned that there was: maintaining contact with certain objects or elements for some; a certain piece of music may be played for others; an action that is performed on or by some of the others; and some of it is just extremely random. She mentioned that after that she'll let it be treated like a Jusenkyo curse, but without attraction to water; before you ask, no, I have no idea what that means. I was hoping one of you might, but from the looks on your faces, I suppose I can assume that you don't. Until she figures out who we are, we won't be able to use jutsu that we can normally do without hand-seals or anything similar that is an aspect held specifically by one of us. So there will be no Sharingan, no Rinnegan, no immortality, no sinking through floors, no hand-mouths—"

"What?" Deidara cried out. "But, that's a part of me! The rest of the stuff you mentioned can be activated or deactivated at will, but my mouths aren't like that!" He started nosing along his forepaws, trying to get his mouths to open.

A voice with no origin burst in. "Think of it as incentive!"

"AH! Scary girl!" Tobi whimpered, and dove behind Kisame.

"Oh, and just as a note, the girl you're staying with is going to find you in about ten seconds. Her name is Jade. Good luck!"

Only a few seconds later, they heard footsteps approaching outside, and huddled together in little groups in anticipation as they heard a girl outside start muttering to herself in a language they didn't know.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked at the cardboard box on her front step, frowning. She dropped her schoolbag to the side, and leant down to pick up the yellow envelope that was taped to the top of the box. Opening it, she scowled at what she saw. "What?"

_Jade!_

_ Hello. I can't tell you who I am, or why I am doing this, but I can tell you that I have a small job for you. There are some kittens in this box, and we chose __**you**__ to take care of them! Don't worry. We'll pay you daily (a small wad of cash will show up as a pillow for the large tan and brown kitten every morning). The kittens already have names, and part of your job is to figure out what they are. In the meantime, you can give them temporary names, but I'd suggest keeping the names general, un-insulting, and Western, for simplicity's sake. Generic isn't necessary, but don't make it too obscure; people don't really like that. Figure out who they are, and we will tell you who we are too. You don't really have a choice, sorry._

_-PC*_

"So they're going to sneak into my house to just randomly give me money?" Jade snorted. "What do these people think they're pulling here?"

She knelt down and opened the box, taking a look at the kittens inside. They were grouped together, other than the black and white one that was sitting on its own. It also had green stripes, thought that wasn't quite the oddest color that was present among the kittens: two of them were blue. The brown and orange one, along with the blonde one and the three kittens that were huddled in the corner, were all giving her puppy eyes, or rather, kitten eyes. Jade stared at them for a few more seconds, and then sighed to herself.

"Well, I'm not going to put them out on the street or give them to a shelter, at least not yet." She reached down and picked up the smaller of the two blue kittens and held it up close to her face. Jade threaded her fingers through the kitten's fur, which was very silky. She held it closer to her face and looked at the fur close to the kitten's eyes and at the edges of the white patches, looking to see if any of the hairs were oddly colored or if the skin was splotched in a way that indicated dyeing.

"The fur looks natural. Good, they weren't dyed; I don't have to call animal services to report cruelty. I might be able to sell them to some breeders for a pretty penny if they're all naturally this color. I'll keep them for that, if nothing else." She muttered to herself, still combing her fingers through the fur of the kitten.

She gently put the kitten back down in the box—it scurried back to the red and orange kittens it had been with when she picked it up—and unlocked the door, pulling in both her backpack and the box. The kittens looked about four or five weeks old; that was old enough to drink water, if only just, so she poured some into a plate and lay it down in the box. That was lucky; she wouldn't have to go and buy specialized cat milk right away. That could wait for a few hours. Several of them immediately crowded around it, lapping up as much as they could, while others followed more slowly.

"So…" she said as she sat down on a stool and looking down into the box that she hadn't yet let the kittens out of. Her chin rested on her fist, which in turn rested on her crossed legs. "I guess it's time for some 'temporary' names, right?"

o.o.o.o.o

A/N: Geez, this is long. And I wrote it in four days (with two full days of reading it over and editing), which is, for me, pretty fast.

I want to be this fast all the time. Sob.

SO! Here's some more info on our mysterious OCs, and how they work. If you can figure out who the two that I mentioned specifically were back in their canon worlds, you get cookies. Oh, and I'll come by and review on your stories. PS- I really like reviews that give full feedback and comment with more than just a few words. The two that I've gotten on this story so far are good… so more! I would love it! And I'll return the favor! *makes doe eyes* Yay exclamation marks!

Same thing goes for if you can guess which movie it was that I mentioned. That one should be a lot easier than the OCs.

What do you guys think of Jade? Remember, this story is supposed to be partially a Deconstruction Fic, partially a Parody Fic, and partially straight-on fanfiction. If you're going to comment on her intelligence and how it's not probable for her to be in Calculus BC: I'm on the track where Junior year is Calculus, Sophomore year is Pre-Calculus, Freshman year is Algebra 2, and so on, and so are a lot of other people I know.

I'd also like to note that very few people who find a box of kittens on their porch step would actually keep them for an extended period of time. Cats take time and money. Jade is going to keep them, but it's mostly to see if they all keep their coloring (remember, Kakuzu, Yahiko, and Tobi are the only ones that even come close to being a natural color) because she realizes that mutations like that would be highly sought after and she'd be able to get either a lot of fame, a lot of money, or both if she keeps them and it turns out that it _is_ natural. She'd keep them for a few weeks anyways since they're really young and don't deserve to be turned out on the street or into a shelter yet, but you have to realize that she's being practical here; she's a teenage girl living on her own from an inheritance and some money from her aunt. She has limited money and limited time per day to take care of eleven kittens that won't get her anything in return.

It's a good thing these ones do.

Comment on the Ame Trio – I know people are going to be complaining about this, but I have reasons for not writing out the rest of the scene that I left off with in the first chapter. For one thing, I felt that they needed their privacy; they just got back together and two of them blame themselves for the death of the third and used his corpse as a puppet: they have issues that they want to work through. Additionally, they then relegated most of the information that I told them to the other members, and the rest they're keeping secret on their own terms; concerning exposition, it would have been a useless scene.

PS- If you guys are curious about the breeds of the Akatsuki, which I doubt, I've got a book on cats, and I'll look up breeds that I think fit them, disregarding color, and put up a list in a later chapter. Actually, I wrote that last sentence, and then got the immediate urge to do just that, so I now actually have a list for Akatsuki.

Bye!


	3. The Naming Game and Paranoia

Jade leant down and held out a hand to the box, waiting for one of the kittens to come over to her. After a few seconds, the brown and orange tabby wandered over and began sniffing at her palm. She cupped her hand around his head and scratched him between the ears.

"Hey there, sugar. I'm going to name you now, okay?" She picked him up and put him in her lap, petting him. He stared up at her through one eye; his eye was partially dilated, halfway closed, and his ears and whiskers were relaxed. Happy.

"I wonder what happened to your eye." She leaned in to look closer. "It does look like there's any scarring, and you're pretty young, so maybe it's a birth defect? Come to think of it…"

She held him up higher, turning him around and lifting his tail. **(1)** "What gender are you, anyways?"

There were small snuffling noises from the other cats, with some meows and hisses thrown into the mix.

She ignored them. "Male. Well, your fur looks kind of rusty, kind of brownish and orange. I guess that's good enough." She thought back and remembered that she should probably put some sort of physical action together with the name so that they remembered. She poked his nose lightly, not enough to hurt. "Rusty: that's your name, until the people that left you here tell me what it actually is. Rusty." She poked him again, and then put him down next to the others. She held out a hand again, preparing to wait a short while as she saw the cats congregate to talk, or whatever their equivalent was. "Who's next?"

o.o.o.o.o

The Akatsuki kittens, several trying not to laugh again, looked at Tobi as the girl, Jade, put him back down. "What was that about?" Zetsu rasped; the tone was enough to inform them that it was Black Zetsu.

Tobi mewled happily, "I think she's giving us names until she figures out who we are!"

"What did she name you?" Nagato asked, tilting his head.

"I think it was the word she said when she poked my nose. I think it was…" He wrinkled his nose a bit. "Ra-su-ti?"

Konan blinked. "Well, she looks like she's waiting for someone else to come and get named. I guess I'm going?" She glanced around, seeing no other volunteers. "I hope I don't get a name as odd as the one Tobi got," She flicked her tail once before getting up and padding over to Jade.

"You jinxed yourself with that, un!" Deidara called.

o.o.o.o.o

"Well, let's see what gender you are." Jade hefted the small kitten up and checked. "Female. Well, looks like I might actually have to get you guys spayed and neutered, since you're not all the same gender. I was hoping not to have to do that. Maybe the guys that left you here already got it done or are gonna leave some money to cover the cost."

The Akatsuki kittens were lucky that they didn't understand English.

Konan felt herself being put down onto Jade's lap again. A hand carded through her fur. "Soft, aren't you? The fur on your back is splotched kind of funny. You look a bit like an angel with those wing spots on your back."

o.o.o.o.o

Phoenix looked down on the scene with Agent Quartz, the one currently manning the monitors.

"You planned that, didn't you?" Quartz deadpanned, voice flat.

"Duh. Angels are awesome. Especially when they're capable of producing explosions on the scale of point six Megatons of TNT at the lowest reasonable estimation or more." **(2)** Phoenix grinned.

Let us take a moment to appreciate the irony of that statement.

o.o.o.o.o

"I don't think anyone would mind being named Angel." She tapped Konan's nose. "Angel. That's your name now. Angel." She set Konan down again, immediately picking up Nagato. Konan, now known to Jade as Angel, stayed at her feet, waiting for her to name the red kitten, Nagato.

"Well, you're rather bloody-looking, aren't you? I haven't seen fur quite this color before." She held him up, checking gender again. "Male. I saw you seemed pretty close to our little Angel. Just how close are you two?"

Jade smirked down at him a little as she brushed her hand through his fur, scratching his ears. "Well, you seem to like her, so I guess an Angel needs a counterpart, right? How about… Cthulhu?" She grinned, thinking on it, and then poked his nose, chuckling a bit. "Cthulhu."

She dropped him, and he ran over to Konan. They still stayed by Jade, waiting as she picked up Yahiko.

"You're a bit bulkier than your friends there. You seem to be a lot closer to them than any of you are to any of the rest, but not closer than they are to each other. Maybe I should have made you a trio of Celestial Beings or something like that. In that case I probably should have made your friend over there a demon of some sort. Ah well, too late now." She stroked his back as he purred. "I could still probably do that, but I don't really know any demon names. Maybe I'll just go with something like that. I called your friend Angel, I guess I could call you Demon." She poked his nose, "Demon."

She put him down, and he scurried back to Konan and Nagato: Angel and Cthulhu.

o.o.o.o.o

"What did you get as names?" Hidan asked as soon as they got back.

Konan shrugged. "I don't know what it means, but she called me Ei-in-je-ru."

Yahiko bounced up and down, still on a bit of a high from being alive again. "It was Di-mon."

Hidan frowned. "Doesn't that mean oni or akuma or something of the sort?" **(3)** He shook his head. "Never mind, what about you?" He flicked his tail at Nagato, still somewhat uncomfortable with calling him by name, and no longer as Pein or Leader-sama.

Nagato laid his ears down closer to his head, the kitty equivalent to frowning. "I don't know what it's supposed to mean, and I could barely understand it. It was kind of like… Ku-su-ru? But the 'su' sound wasn't really a 'su.'"

The rest of the Akatsuki—barring Tobi, Konan, and Yahiko—stared at him unabashedly.

"That's… that's really weird, un." Deidara finally said.

"Shut up, brat." Sasori muttered, flicking Deidara's head with his tail; it wasn't strong enough to hurt, but the intent behind it was clear.

"Well, you go and get named then, Danna." Deidara sniffed and turned his nose up in the air. Sasori stared at him for a moment, and then simply gave an approximation of a shrug and padded over to Jade, sitting primly at her feet before being picked up.

o.o.o.o.o

"Male." Jade declared once more. "At this rate, little Angel's going to be the only girl among you. Well, you're pretty small and red. If I wanted to, I could probably get away with calling you Elf, like one of Santa's, but the note said nothing insulting, and that might count."

She stroked his fur. "Maa, you're a hard one, aren't you? Calling you Red would be stupid, and so would calling you the Spanish equivalent. The only one that sounds like a name is Colorado, and that's the state we're in!" She giggled, still petting him. "The only other thing dealing with 'red,' even in the translation dictionary—and trust me, I've looked before—is communism, but I don't think that would go over well as a _name_ of all things. Red… red text in House of Leaves is associated with the passages dealing with the Minotaur, but naming one animal after another is kind of stupid. I could choose a name from a book, though, I guess. Maybe… Zampanò?" She poked his nose. "Zampanò it is. I can't really come up with anything better."

o.o.o.o.o

"Why did you put that suggestion in?" Quartz asked, but kept his eyes on the screens in front of him.

Phoenix shrugged, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "I'm reading that book in TOK right now. Besides, can you come up with anything better for him in the span of the fifteen minutes it took to write that mini-scene or less?"

"I could."

Phoenix pouted.

o.o.o.o.o

"What kind of a name is that?" Kisame asked as Sasori came back.

"Za-mu-pa-no." Sasori tried to say the name the same way Jade had, but couldn't; it wasn't because of the kitty voice either. He just couldn't get the inflection right, or the 'm.'

"Sounds weird, un." Deidara said.

"Then go and get a name yourself, brat." Sasori huffed.

Deidara stalked off, intending to do just that.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade stared at the male—she'd checked—cat in front of her.

"What is it with blondes always covering one eye with their bangs?" She muttered to herself, fingers carding through Deidara's fur. "Seriously, it happens in at least half the manga I've read, and now with a cat I got too?"

She stared at him. His fur was extremely bright, not a type of yellow that one normally found as a natural hair or fur color. "I guess I could call you Sunny, or maybe Star? That's a bit weird though… Andromeda is a star system, but that's a girl's name." She tapped a finger to her chin thoughtfully. Deidara mewed pitifully at the loss of her petting. Jade ignored him. "Maybe I could name you after a planet, but the only yellow planets are Saturn, which I don't like as a name, and Venus, which is a girl's name again." She sighed and ran a hand through his fur again, which started up his purring again. "Yeesh, this should be easier. I mean, I could always get a book on baby names or go online or…" She trailed off, looking at his eyes; they were bright blue, and very large. She poked him in the forehead, rather than the nose as she had with the others—noses were probably rather sensitive, she'd decided—and said rather decisively: "Sapphire."

She put him on the ground again. "Now shoo."

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara stumbled once on his way back, but kept his head high as no one really bothered to snicker.

"Safaia?" **(4)** Itachi asked him. "But we didn't know any of the other names she gave us. I mean, there was Di-mon, but that's only a word I've really heard in passing by traders and in old or foreign texts."

Kakuzu snorted. "The way she said it was different from how we're used to saying it. As she said it after looking at Deidara's eyes, which are blue enough to remind a person of the gem, it probably means the same thing to her as it does to us. Most likely, it's simply a word that is similar enough in both languages to be recognizable."

Deidara wrinkled his nose a bit. "It sounds girly, un."

"Calm down, Deidara." Itachi yawned as he got up and walked over to the girl. She picked him up rather gently, as she had to them all.

o.o.o.o.o

"Well now, aren't you a pretty fella?" Jade giggled as she stroked her hand through his fur. "I've got a black cat; oh, the horrors that await me."

Said black cat simply stared at her, unwilling to purr despite the attention.

"Fine, fine. I could always call you something like 'Coal' or 'Ebony' any sort of name that's connected to dark coloring, but I think that's kind of boring. You look pretty high class for a kitty, though. You need a high class name. Maybe something from Sherlock Holmes, or Lord of the Rings…" She trailed off again, lost in thought. Itachi sat in her lap, simply staring up at her as he waited.

"Or maybe myth." She had a sparkle in her eyes as she looked at him again. She grinned and poked him. "Hades."

o.o.o.o.o

Itachi walked back to the others calmly, as they talked and bickered among themselves. "Hei-di-su."

Hidan suddenly turned to look at him. "Are you sure about that?" He questioned the younger urgently.

Itachi blinked and took a small step back. "Yes… why do you ask?"

"It's the name of the god of the underworld in a foreign religion." Hidan explained as quickly as he could. "When I was first studying to become a Jashinist priest, I had to learn about other religions too, especially if they had gods similar to Jashin-sama, ones that could oppose Him. Hades is the one that runs the underworld in one of the religions I looked at, and his name is sometimes used as a synonym for the underworld itself, at least the one for that religion. It's basically that religion's equivalent of the Shinigami. She's probably calling Itachi that because everything about him right now is black."

Kakuzu had already tuned Hidan out and left to go get his own temporary name. Everyone else however, was busy listening to Hidan, for once.

"Do you think she follows this religion? What is it even called?" Itachi asked, somewhat curious as to what the name Jade had given him meant.

Hidan would have bitten his lip nervously if he were still human. As it was he just lowered his ears a bit. "I don't think so. That particular religion fell out of favor a long time ago; I'm pretty sure no one practices it anymore." He looked around, but stopped after he apparently didn't find anything that pertained to what he was looking for. "More to the point, if she did follow that religion, there would be a shrine, or at least pictures of the gods around. I'm guessing that she's simply heard of the religion and found it interesting enough to read into it a bit, but doesn't follow it enough to take it seriously. The religion is extremely old and from rather far away, so I don't know the name either; when the religion fell out of favor, the name somehow became lost in translations, so nobody really knows. It's just referred to as," he furrowed his brows, "the religion of Zei-yus, I believe, after the king of Gods within it."

"That was… surprisingly helpful and informative, Hidan. Thank you." Konan said, hesitating halfway through. She and several other members had slightly widened eyes, being used to Hidan's religious babble being next to useless.

"No need to sound so surprised." Hidan muttered sourly, but there was a small tinge of pride in his voice; if it wasn't for the fact that he was covered in fur, the rest of the Akatsuki probably would have been able to see his faint blush before he ran off after Kakuzu to get a temporary name himself.

o.o.o.o.o

Phoenix scratched her head, looking at a side screen. "Hey, Quartz? How did I make it to almost two and a half thousand words already? She's just _naming_ them. That's _barely_ plot-relevant."

The frizzy pony-tailed brunette with the silver-grey streak adjusted his glasses as he looked over the screen. "Well, Hidan's explanation of the presence of Greek Myth in the Naruto Universe and the meaning of Itachi's temporary name took up approximately four and a half hundred words, which is twice as long as anyone else's explanation scenes."

Phoenix rubbed her temple. "That still doesn't explain how I managed to write up some two thousand words on the names of only half the Akatsuki."

"Blame it on the story being a parody. Naming scenes take up an entire chapter in some other fics, and that's for the bad ones that have extremely short chapters. Maybe it's the presence of scenes like the one we're in right now? You _are_ more or less MSTing yourself sometimes, after all." Agent Quartz pointed out.

Phoenix raised a finger and opened her mouth, ready to say something, but closed her mouth and looked thoughtful. "Touché. I guess it just all adds up, somehow. Does this really count as MSTing, though? I may be the author and a technical outside source, but it's still my story and I still have an actual effect on the plot."

Quartz shrugged, turning back to the computers. "I don't know, and I really don't care. Ask the reviewers, if there even are any for this chapter."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked at the rather large brown and tan kitten in her lap. "You're a pretty big guy, aren't you? Look pretty wild, too." She stroked his back, which caused him to purr, if quietly. "I could probably call you Mudbath or something, but that probably counts as insulting. I wouldn't name anyone something so stupid anyway. Let's see…" She kept petting him as she leaned her head back a bit to stare at the ceiling, back against the wall so that she wouldn't fall off of her stool. "What to do…"

She glanced at him down her nose again. "You look kind of like a Norwegian Forest Cat…" She sat up straight. "Forrest Gump! Well, not the Gump part, that's kind of ugly, and cats usually have only one name, but I guess I could call you Forrest!" She grinned, and poked his nose. "Forrest."

The silver cat padded over, hissing at the larger kitten a bit as she put down the newly christened 'Forrest.' She frowned, picked him up, and checked his gender—male, like most of the others—and nodded to herself. "Silvery hair and an aloof and irritable disposition." She poked his forehead with a smirk on her face. "Draco."

o.o.o.o.o

"So…" Deidara broke the silence. "Fo-re-su-tu and Ju-rei-ko?"

Hidan shrugged as best as a kitten could. "I'm pretty sure the one I got has to do with some sort of mythical creature."

And so the Akatsuki were subject to yet another piece of trivia provided by Hidan that had somehow become ten times more important than any other information that their past experiences could have suggested.

Hidan was apparently a lot smarter than most of them—well, all of them, really—had thought. Even Evil!Tobi hadn't realized.

It was an enlightening experience.

o.o.o.o.o

"So who's left?" Nagato asked, looking around. The girl seemed just about ready to come and get the remaining members herself, judging by the questioning look on her face.

"Me and Zetsu. I'll go." Kisame stood up and sort of hopped over to where Jade was.

o.o.o.o.o

"You're the biggest of them all, aren't ya?" Jade commented as looked him over. "Nice spots."

"You're blue. Completely blue." She said as she stared at him unblinkingly. His eyes seemed to narrow a tiny bit and his ears flicked once or twice, but she didn't notice. As soon as she'd said that, a song pushed its way into her head.

_I'm blue! Da ba dee, da ba da~, da ba dee, da ba da, da ba-_

She shook her head as if to rid herself of the strains of music. "I think the group was called Eiffel 65. You mind if I call you Eiffel?" The cat in her lap made no response. "I'll take that as a no. Alright then, Eiffel it is. Eiffel." She poked his nose and dropped him on the floor.

She snapped her fingers softly in the black and white cat's direction, the one that had appeared to have been talking to itself away from the rest of the group. She picked him up as he came, and stared into his eyes, a confused look on her face. "It would really apply better to Hades over there, but I have the sudden urge to name you after Magical Mr. Mistoffelees." She tilted her head to the side.

"You know what? I don't care." She poked his forehead. "Mistoffelees."

o.o.o.o.o

"Ai-fe-ru?" Itachi questioned Kisame.

"Mi-su-to-fe-ri-su?" Zetsu was trying to say the name that Jade had given him, with little success. Tobi started trying to repeat the name as well, but did just as poorly.

"Everyone!" Nagato called, raising his voice just a bit past a regular meow. "Just so that we can make sure we remember what she's going to be calling us, everyone call out the name she gave you, one by one. I got Ku-su-ru (Cthulhu)."

"Tobi is Ra-su-ti (Rusty)!" Tobi called.

"Eii-n-je-ru (Angel)." Konan stated.

"Di-mon (Demon)." Yahiko added from beside her.

"Hei-di-su (Hades)." Itachi said in his signature monotone.

"Ai-fe-ru (Eiffel)." Kisame was next to him.

"Za-mu-pa-no (Zampanò)." Sasori stumbled over the name again.

"Du-rei-ko (Draco)." Hidan jumped in cheerfully.

"Fo-re-su-tu (Forrest)." Kakuzu sounded rather bored; he was lying down on the ground, tail swishing from side to side lazily, eyes half closed.

"Mi-su-to-fe-ri-su (Mistoffelees)." White Zetsu, like Sasori, tripped over the name Jade had bestowed on him; Black Zetsu just hissed out a few threats against the girl for giving him such a complicated name.

"Safaia (Sapphire)." Deidara said his temporary name in the manner he was most used to saying its Japanese equivalent, rather than saying it the English way.

Silence reigned for all of five seconds before Zetsu, both of him, yelped as he was picked up and put back into the box they'd all been in before. One by one, Jade picked them all up; after a hissed command from Nagato, no one dared to try and fight her off.

"Sorry, kittens, but I'm going to have to go and buy you guys some cat milk, and a litter box, and maybe some soft cat food, and a cat bed…" She trailed off, muttering under her breath as she listed more things she would need. "Geez, this is going to cost a lot. You guys had better be worth this." She glared mockingly down at the kittens, a smile threatening to burst through, but whirled around when she heard knocking on the front door.

"Who is it?" She called. When there was no answer, she went to the door, slowly of course. The kittens would later realize that this was because few people ever visited her.

Kakuzu snorted. "Naïve civilian. Didn't even grab a knife."

He received a paw whap on the head, courtesy of Konan.

"I… what?" The kittens heard her confused voice. "I didn't realize they actually meant that they'd provide me with the money…"

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked at the note in her hand, glancing back and forth between it and the bundle of money that had been shoved into the gap between

_Jade! (again…)_

_Aw. Did you really think we'd just leave you alone like that? We know you can't buy all that stuff on your own! Well, I guess you could, but it would be rude for us to force you to spend your money like that._

The writing abruptly changed from a flowing cursive to a rounder print style, the last letter of the rounded writing trailing off the paper as if the pen had been wrenched out of the writer's hand; the printed handwriting was neatly crossed out.

_Would not, this is a pa_

It switched back. Jade raised an eyebrow in consternation.

_Ignore him, he's an idiot._

'Really?' Jade thought to herself. 'You'd think these people would have a bit more… I don't know, class?'

_We told him not to try and pull something like this, but he obviously didn't listen to us. In any case, here's the money for the basic supplies that you'll be needing. Good luck!_

_-PC* AGS __& AC_

"How did they know that I was leaving? I mean, it could just be a coincidence, and they just estimated when to come, but it's still weird. Maybe they're watching me or something…"

Paranoia is a funny thing. Jade gulped nervously as she looked down at the note and money in her hands. "Okay, look at this objectively. They haven't done anything violent or indicated that they mean me harm yet, and they actually _gave_ me money. If something more happens, I'll call the police, but it isn't necessary yet. It isn't necessary yet. It isn't necessary yet, Jade. Get a hold of yourself."

o.o.o.o.o

It's not paranoia if they're actually out to get you.

"But we're not out to get her! We're _helping_ her!" Phoenix protested as she watched the screens, typing away and pouting childishly again.

"As far as she's concerned, we're creepy and possibly hostile. We should have just left the money in the door and let her find it on her own." Quartz contested flatly.

"Bah. I'm not going to rewrite that scene. I already changed it over twice." She folded her arms and nodded decisively.

Agent Quartz just rolled his eyes and kept monitoring the screens. It took Phoenix about thirty seconds to break the silence.

"You wanna send in Jay to mock the Akatsuki now?"

…

…

"Sure."

o.o.o.o.o

"Bye kittens! I'll be back soon!" Jade rushed out of the house, coat flying, money in her pocket, list in her hand. The kittens looked at each other, a sense of doom coming over them.

"Why do I feel as if we're about to fall into some deep s***?"

"Because we're currently cosmic playthings, un."

o.o.o.o.o

**(1)** Yes, this is where you check a cat's gender. For dogs you look underneath and between the hind legs, for cats you look in the back and under the tail.

**(2)** That's the estimation given on TvTropes for if each explosive tag is equal to just one gram of TNT. That's one kiloton of TNT every second. The Little Boy drop over Hiroshima was fifteen kilotons of TNT (I'm only using this example because it's the best known). So Konan made a BIG bang. Yeah.

**(3)** I looked it up. Yes, di-mon is actually a Japanese word, and yes, it's actually spelt like that, hyphen and all. Whenever I chose a name, I made an attempt to see if there was a similar word in Japanese that it could be misconstrued as. I also figured that Hidan would know best about that sort of stuff, especially considering what I wrote in later.

**(4)** Safaia is Japanese for Sapphire. I completely forgot about that before I wrote this scene, so it ended up being a nice coincidence, like the di-mon situation.

o.o.o.o.o

A/N – Cthulhu. I named Nagato… Cthulhu. It feels like a part of me just… *shudder*

_Any_ways…

Average length chapter. I'd say that's pretty good, though I didn't expect to write an entire chapter just for the names. I'd also like to tell you guys that I update one story a week, on Fridays. If I'm not updating this, I'm probably updating one of my other stories, most likely Fly Free.

Review, people! It makes me happy, and if you review, I check out your user page and possibly take a look at your stories if any interest me. PS- anyone know why I got only one review for chapter five of Fly Free?

At any rate, did my interpretation of Hidan make anyone want to stop reading? I kind of think it makes sense that he knows more about religions and myths than the rest of Akatsuki, other than maybe Pein with his God Complex. What's your guys' opinion?

I have to get an answer for this one, though. Does the language barrier hurt the storyline? You know, the Akatsuki not knowing English?

Did the PC scenes annoy anyone overly much? Did you like meeting Agent Quartz? Did the constant scene changes make the scenes too confusing? Do my constant uses of "Take That, Me!" annoy or entertain you? The fact that my own OCs are bashing me?

Trivia- the one writing the notes is Agent Goldstone, while Agent Chimera was the one that wrote something without permission and got crossed out. You might be able to get some more insight into their personalities that way.

Lastly, did you like the names? Believe it or not, I actually wasn't expecting to have six pop culture references, one of which also counts as one of the four myth and gods names, and only two normal names. I guess I was a lot less careful about keeping them from being named after existing fictional, or not so fictional, characters.

I wasn't planning on making poor little Jade paranoid. It sort of just… happened.


	4. Strip Poker, Setting Up, and Mind Walks

A/N: WARNING- Extreme Mary-Sue traits pop up during the description of the powers and rules behind the Phoenix Corporation. I kid thee not. But they're technically the author's (aka – my) minions, and I only really use them as direct characters when I write parody fics, so it's all good. There's also more talk about classifying cats that you may not understand, like a cobby or a foreign, but it doesn't really matter all that much.

NOTE: Someone tell me if I got Zetsu right. I know Tobi speaks in third person singular, but does Zetsu speak in first person singular or plural when he's merged?

o.o.o.o.o

"So…" Kisame started. "What now?"

Nagato stared emotionlessly at him. "We wait and make ourselves at home for the time being. We don't have much of a choice in that manner. All we can do is make sure that we don't act out enough that the ones that sent us here get irritated enough to come and do anything."

Yahiko snickered. "You've definitely changed, Nagato. You used to be such a sensitive little brat, and now…"

"I'm glad you approve." Nagato deadpanned. Konan giggled lightly.

"Aw, f***." Hidan whined. "Now how am I supposed to sacrifice to Jashin-sama in a body like this?"

"You'll be human again eventually," Konan attempted to placate him.

"Yeah, but then Leader-sama's not gonna let me f***ing sacrifice anyone!" Hidan continued to complain.

"Don't worry, we worked something out with your revered Jashin. The dude said that he'd let it slide so long as you kept up your prayers." A voice called out from above them. Half the Akatsuki hissed, and they all sank into guarded stances that came naturally to their small bodies.

A purple cat, adult and thus larger than any of them, was there. A dark blue patch sprouted from above his right eye, looking more like a stripe since his fur was rather long. His body wasn't as stocky as a semi-cobby's, nor was it quite as lithe as an oriental cat's, but there was nonetheless something oddly sleek about him; the closest would be a foreign cat, but even that classification was oddly inaccurate. A cocky smirk graced his feline face as he looked down at them from the turn of the railing on the stairs, where it shortly became flat before turning and coming down again.

"What the f*** do you mean, you Jashin-d***ed heathen?" Hidan hissed.

The cat quirked an eyebrow, and then slowly slid down the rail languorously. "I'm sure you can guess; on a side note, I'm actually on pretty good terms with your dear Jashin, so I don't really find that insult all that, well, insulting. Back to my explanation. While Jashin may not be the only god that is involved in the control of your world, he is most definitely one of them, and Hidan is one of his most favored followers because of his extreme loyalty." Hidan preened as the larger cat eyed him with amusement before continuing with his exposition.

"We managed to talk to him before we sent Hidan here to make sure we didn't have to break any of the inter-dimensional guidelines that we have set up for circumstances like this. We didn't want to irritate him overly much, so even though we would have done this anyways, getting his permission to ban Hidan from killing anyone here helped us keep from irritating your members of the multiverse's theo-political scene. I mean, something this small doesn't really matter all that much, since the only people that really interact with one another across dimensional borders are our own corporation and the heads of the shinigami or their equivalent forces in the varying dimensions for various reasons that deal with the souls of the dead, but we're kind of friends with the guy, so irritating him is not on our to-do list." All the cats were staring at him dubiously now. He sighed, stretching a bit on the little flat part at the bottom of the stairwell.

"Dude, we brought, like, more than half of you back from the dead, sent you across dimensions, and I, personally, was the one that turned you into furry little felines. What makes you think we're incapable of talking with and to gods? I've even tagged along with Nightingale for tea with your dimension's shinigami a couple of times. Got involved in a strip poker game with them once, too. Stupid death people. They're way too good at gamb…" He trailed off as he saw the wide-eyed looks on the faces of the cats below him. He sweatdropped and muttered under his breath. "Right, no talking about that night. What happens in the underworld, _stays_ in the underworld. Or at least it does when it involves stuff like that."

o.o.o.o.o

Agent Quartz had passed off monitor duty to Agent Nightingale, who snorted into his coffee as he watched the proceedings, choking down laughter. "Oh, god! I forgot about that!"

"Yeah, I didn't realize that he was going to bring that up. He sort of just… did." Phoenix shrugged. "Do you think we're following up on what we were planning pretty well?"

Nightingale shrugged. "You mean mocking them? Yeah, we're doing pretty good. I'm pretty sure Chimera just traumatized them, though."

"Well, duh."

o.o.o.o.o

"You played **strip poker with…**" Zetsu's voices trailed off, a horrified feeling floating among the Akatsuki members.

"Yup." Several of them were now looking a little… sick. "In case you didn't know, the way he looks when he comes by your little mortal realm is just like that to be intimidating. He actually looks pretty normal when he's not trying to scare the c*** out of you 'puny little mortals' or whatever."

They continued to stare at him. The cat smirked down at them, before launching into a complete non sequitur. "Chimera."

"What?" Kakuzu, quite rationally, questioned.

The purple feline's smirk simply widened. "My name, at least within the corporation, is Agent Tiger's Eye, but that's too bothersome to pronounce all the way and too long to say comfortably, so they usually call me Agent Chimera instead. We all have codenames based off of jewels, but some of us don't use them because they sound weird, so we usually take our fictional-base names then instead. Mine is Chimera. If you want, though, you can call me Jay. That's what people usually call me when they're not being all official and whatnot. Plus, offering you that option messes with your heads _so_ much more."

And the stares still weren't gone. Deidara finally decided to speak up. "Why are you here, un?"

Chimera shrugged. "Meh. The boss asked if anyone wanted to come and mock you guys. I volunteered since I can actually understand you guys whether I'm a human or an animal and am the one that turned you into cats after Nightingale brought you back from the dead and Goldstone fixed up your bodies to prime condition in the first place."

"How? What kind of a Jutsu would do that?" Kisame threw in.

Jay snorted. "Really? I'm not human, dude. Haven't been since I was nominally eleven. Trust me when I say that what I used was _not_ chakra. In case you wanted to know, everyone in the Phoenix Corporation has their own influence and connection of sorts to something, and a spread from there. There's someone for each of the four elements for example—and yes, I said four. Phoenix-sama comes from a culture where lightning is generally not included as an element—and stuff like that. Most of us got a secondary form of some sort of mythical creature as well." They still looked confused, maybe more than before, but he continued without noticing.

"I was originally created with a connection to animals, being able to turn into any animal and converse in any tongue, animal or human. I was, as my cousin enjoys reminding me, a fr***in' portable zoo. Still am. From there, I honed my skills until to manipulate my body to the point where I could change any part of my body any amount for a perfect disguise, even switch genders, and to force such transformations onto other people. My secondary myth form should be pretty easy to figure out, but if you don't really feel up to it, just check out my codename for a second, and then take the time to feel like an idiot for not getting it earlier. Honestly, with what she's done to me, I feel like a total Gary Stu sometimes, though it's not nearly as bad as with some of the other. Compared to them, even though my powers are more complicated, they are in most situations much weaker." The Akatsuki were wondering at just what the members of this Phoenix Corporation were. Agent Chimera, as he was called and could become, grinned at them, taking in their shocked faces. "Well? How do ya like 'dem apples?"

He got up and stretched. "In any case, my little impromptu lecture is over, and our dear little Jade-chan will return soon. I don't really care what you do as cats, but we'll come by once in a while to check up on you, and once you return to human form, to keep you in check. Remember," He winked at them, and then turned and started walking towards a golden portal that had formed in the air in front of him, "We are _always_ watching."

He disappeared, and everyone waited a few seconds after the portal disappeared, not daring to speak. Then Tobi whimpered.

"Tobi is a good boy. He doesn't want to be atomized."

For once, most of them agreed with him.

o.o.o.o.o

"I'm back!" Jade called as she edged into the house, closing the door behind her with her foot. A bundle of newspapers were under one of her arms. "I got what I needed, but I'll need a few trips to get it all out of the car. Whoever it was that gave me that money definitely gave me enough to get you guys enough necessities, so my pockets aren't going to be empty because of you guys right off the bat. Too bad I needed to beg some old newspapers off the neighbors since I don't get them, huh, guys?"

She shoved a cat carrier into a closet, not even having taken off the stickers that proclaimed its brand and price. Turning around, she gave the kittens that were staring at her a small grin. "You guys hungry?" She rubbed her own tummy as if to enhance her words. Something that she'd done must have set them off, because she was soon listening to tiny caterwauling as the kittens surrounded her. She chuckled.

"Alright, kitties. I'll go and get the cat milk formula, and you can have that, okay?" She rubbed the head of the slightly hyperactive kitten that was trying to climb up her pant leg, Rusty, and pulled him off. She was out the door a second later, making a second trip to bring in more supplies.

o.o.o.o.o

"So she's feeding us?" Yahiko mused. "I wonder what?"

"Cat milk? Or a lab-created substitute?" Kakuzu added. "She better not be stupid and give us dairy milk, it's bad for cats."

"What the f*** do you know about cats?" Hidan stared at his missions' partner in obvious consternation.

Kakuzu yawned, tiny pink tongue lapping at the air. "Simple. Purebred cats can sell for a lot of money if they're in good condition."

"Miser." Kisame muttered, an amused grin on his face. Itachi gave the kitty approximation of a 'hn' noise next to him.

"Kakuzu-san! Tobi wants to know if cat milk tastes good!" The small orange and brown cat that was Tobi yowled.

"Considering we are currently kittens? Yes, it will probably be to our liking." Kakuzu told him. "Now go bother Deidara."

"Okay, Kakuzu-san! Deidara-sempai! Does Deidara-sempai want to play with Tobi?"

"No, un!"

Tobi tilted his head. "No, but un? So is Deidara-sempai saying yes or no?"

Deidara grit his little kitty teeth. "I don't want to play with you, un."

Tobi's ears drooped along with his whiskers. "Oh…"

"Kittie~s!" Jade's voice could be heard calling. They didn't understand what she'd said next, but apparently, ki-ti-su, ki-ten, ki-ti, and ki-ten-su were all ways for the girl to call for them as a collective or just to say cat or cats, based on what Nagato had told them, since Phoenix had apparently said to give them a heads up on that.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade smiled as the kittens ran over to her, lowering a few shallow plates to the ground and pouring in the heated cat milk that she'd made from the powder from the pet store. As they crowded around the plates, lapping up the extremely warm liquid—a newborn kitten would need to drink milk of approximately 101 degrees Fahrenheit, so a little cooler would be fine for these ones, which looked to be about five weeks old—and slowly reached a hand out and waited for one to come to her. Eventually, the smaller red cat wandered over to her, an almost bored look in his eyes.

"Hey, Zampanò." She said softly, stroking him. His eyes closed a bit further than his bored look had entailed, and his ears and whiskers relaxed as he began to purr; the other cats glanced up for a second, presumably surprised, but ignored the human and the cat and soon went back to their meal. She frowned as she pulled another hand through his fur. "Today's Thursday, so I probably shouldn't take too much time taking care of you tonight since I have school tomorrow and research to do for my EE, but I should at least brush your fur, considering how you all look a bit mussed, though not dirty. Cats don't really need to be bathed as often as dogs, but I want you guys to be clean, so I'll give you all one tomorrow, no matter how much you complain. Speaking of school, though, I got something that may help out with feedings."

Jade knew a lot about cats, or at least more than most people without pets did. When she was fourteen, she'd gone through a phase that had involved a great love of cats. She hadn't been obsessive, but she had bought one book that involved rather detailed instructions on caring for the felines, and included a comprehensive list of cat breeds. She'd glanced through it before going to the store to get supplies, and made sure to get everything she might need. Unfortunately for her, kittens of five weeks required about six feedings per day, so she'd needed to get a rather expensive automated feeding machine to take care of that for her while she'd be gone. There were probably cheaper ones out there, but this was the best compromise that she could have gotten at that particular store between price and quality. This was also about the time that they were weaned, so she'd gotten off lucky there, that they'd be able to eat dry food that was easily dispensed by the machine.

This was also about the time that most cats were litter-trained. Thank goodness she'd decided to get an automated tray too.

She put down Zampanò, and shooed him off to the other kittens as she walked over to the supplies she'd gotten in the two trips she'd made before settling to make the milk. She pulled out a gate and moved it around inside the hardwood-floored kitchen which she'd deemed the safest place concerning "accidents" that the kittens would inevitably make, and spread out some of the newspapers the neighbors had given her on the floor. She made sure to position the litter box in the corner in a place where she wouldn't mind having it even after the gate was removed, and put in the large basket that would make do as a bed until they got a bit bigger, as well as the blankets to make it more comfortable. She finally looked over to the cats. "I suppose it's time for grooming, kitties."

o.o.o.o.o

Several minutes earlier:

"What was that, Danna?" Deidara questioned. "You were _purring_, un."

Sasori glared at the blonde, laying his rather large ears flatter to his head. "It wasn't voluntary, brat. It was…"

"Instinct." Konan offered. Sasori nodded, relieved that someone had said it other than him.

Kisame yawned as he hunkered down a bit next to Itachi, who remained impassive. "I wouldn't be surprised if we all reacted like that in such a situation. Even Itachi would probably react like that, and he shows about as much emotion as a rock." Itachi 'hn'-ed in response, and Zetsu added in his little tidbit.

"We probably would too. **Of course we wouldn't. We'd bite her if she so much as tried.** Now, now, she's taking care of us, we wouldn't…" Everyone decided to just tune out the odd little kitten as they watched the girl set things up.

"I suppose a gate would make sense; small animals do have a tendency to be overly curious…" Yahiko mused as he watched Jade struggle to set it up.

"Most human adults don't. Then again, considering who we have, I wouldn't be surprised if she never grew suspicious solely due to overtly mature and human actions." Nagato stated as he watched Deidara and Tobi fight out of the corner of his eye.

"You seem to have gathered a certain appreciation for sarcasm since I last spoke to you or one of your paths." Itachi noted from his spot lying down on the floor.

Nagato almost snorted, but held it back. "I've always appreciated sarcasm; I just figured that it would go over certain members' heads and that they'd take my words literally when I didn't want them to. I didn't think it would be all that helpful concerning the organization."

"Would that apply to when I was alive, too? I distinctly remember you being rather emotionally… _soft_." Yahiko ribbed.

Nagato rolled his eyes. "Back when you were alive, I didn't have to deal with idiotic psychopaths. I had to deal with some psychopathic ninjas on the field, yes. I had to deal with some pretty stupid ninjas and civilians, too. But there was rarely anyone who was psychopathic, idiotic, and strong enough to actually be a danger because of the two traits. Up until recently, I was forced to deal with an organization that contained several that are such on a monumental scale. Even now, after my own death, I have to. The ability to persistently deadpan at their inanely idiotic actions was greatly appreciated."

"Right…" Yahiko snorted and turned back to see what Jade was doing. "Wait, is that a litter box? And does she really expect us to all sleep in that basket? I mean it's pretty big, but… Why is she picking up the cannibal like that?"

"His name is Zetsu." Konan informed him.

"You know, Konan, that's really not the issue right now."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade picked up the cat that she'd dubbed Mistoffelees and dragged the soft-bristled brush through his fur. He struggled at first, even trying to bite her, but eventually settled down. Towards the end, he'd even begun to purr. He seemed a bit put out when she put him down and moved on to the next shorthaired cat, Rusty, who bounded up excitedly as if he just couldn't _wait_ to be groomed.

He was purring almost instantly, and seemed to whimper in disappointment a bit when she put him down. The other shorthaired cats, namely: Zampanò, Eiffel, Demon, and Draco, all went by without a hitch, though Draco hissed a bit as she picked him up, but he allowed himself to be subjected to it like everyone else.

The longhaired cats were a bit more difficult to brush, though not due to their temperaments. It mainly just due to the fact that they were longhaired, which were breeds that were inevitably difficult to groom. Of course, the fact that two of them, Sapphire and Angel, seemed to absolutely _love_ being brushed, made it a bit easier on her, and even the rather disgruntled looking Forrest put up with her ministrations with minimal fuss. Still, it took the better part of an hour to brush all eleven cats, and then she could finally put them all into the small enclosure she'd created. After spending another half hour figuring out how to work both the food dispenser and the automated litter box, she was finally ready to go upstairs and actually do the work she was supposed to. "Bye, kittens! I need to go to work on some school stuff right now, but I'll come back to feed you after dinner!"

Her only hope right now regarding the kittens would that they would learn quickly when it came to the litter box.

o.o.o.o.o

Personally, Itachi found the whole debacle rather tiring. Unlike most of his compatriots, he'd been perfectly ready and willing to die, and had been for years. Nagato had accepted his death minutes before it had occurred, and the man, or rather, the kitten that was Yahiko had forced a suicide to save Konan, and Deidara had used a suicide jutsu to try and kill Sasuke. All of them had decided on their paths moments before they had gone down them, but Itachi had anticipated his for years. And now, here he was, alive again, and probably the only one in the group that didn't even care.

He hoped Sasuke wasn't too angry at him if the Phoenix Corporation brought him back as well.

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan was a jerk. He knew it; the Akatsuki knew it; _everyone_ knew it. He didn't rely on people, and people didn't rely on him unless necessary because someone, usually Hidan, ended up without a head because of his stupid comments. But since he was a kitten, he was more or less dependent on this civilian girl. And the civilian girl was actually taking rather good care of them, and she had at least some knowledge of various religions, even if they weren't Jashinism.

He was rather happy that Jashin's existence was proven, though. Of course, Hidan always knew that Jashin existed; he thought he even heard his God's voice speaking to him once in a while. _Now_, he could rub it in everyone's faces that Jashin _did_ exist, no matter what they said before about him being a false god or a figment of Hidan's imagination.

He also wasn't in a random hole created by some brat near Konoha anymore, either.

All things considered, Hidan was a pretty happy kitty right now.

o.o.o.o.o

Yahiko was an outsider to these people. The only ones he truly knew were Konan and Nagato, and even that was tempered by his years of death. Of course, he had received hazy memories of when Nagato had possessed his body after his death, especially clear during the incident that ended with Hanzo's death, but he had not interacted with them. It was like watching a one way video, only it involved all of the senses and had variable quality reception.

He would try to integrate himself into the group, certainly, but it would take time. It would take time and effort for him to feel like one of them, and for them to feel the same about him. It was a good thing that he had little else to do, then, other than pushing Nagato and Konan together.

He'd seen the potential for romance develop after his death, secondhand though the information was. Konan had taken care of Nagato after the Rinnegan user had been crippled from the waist down saving her, and had been his most loyal follower. He relied on her, and he trusted no one else as completely as he did her. Yahiko's death had probably been the only reason they hadn't done anything about it. Yahiko sacrificing himself, the ginger presumed, had sent Nagato a little off the crazy end, and both he and Konan had felt survivor's guilt from the ordeal. They may have even felt that becoming a couple would have been disrespectful to his dead soul or something equally ridiculous, despite the fact that he and Konan had ended things and gone back to being just friends several months before the disaster with Hanzo and Danzo.

Those b******s.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori felt uncomfortable. He wasn't used to having a flesh and blood body, having gone without one for about twenty years. To have one now was disconcerting, and he wasn't sure if he liked the development. Of course, he was alive again, which he supposed was nice, but he wasn't a puppet anymore. He wasn't eternal. He wasn't even a ninja. He was just… a helpless kitten in the care of a civilian.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that part.

o.o.o.o.o

Tobi was scared. It rarely happened that he would genuinely fear for his existence, but he was now. The simple matter was that he was not as powerful as these people, and it bugged him. They had simply explained it as having power over their existence because they'd been created for that purpose, and that the girl that created them had power simply through her imagination. To threaten _him_ of all people with atomization…

Bull. Complete bull. It just wasn't _fair_.

That Phoenix chick was such a b****.

o.o.o.o.o

Kakuzu really couldn't care less. He was alive again, even if he was a kitten. Sure, he had to deal with the idiots in the organization, but that was a small price to pay. At least, that's what he told himself to keep from flying off the handle when Hidan did something stupid again.

o.o.o.o.o

Konan was glad to be with her boys again. And she definitely thought of them as _her_ boys. When it came to people, they were the first two she'd ever trusted, and the only ones that she would trust with her entire being for as long as she lived. And it wasn't that she felt they belonged to her or anything, but they were the Ame trio. And now that they were finally all back together…

She smiled as she lay down in the basket between Nagato and Yahiko, reveling in the warmth. She was _d***_ happy.

o.o.o.o.o

Nagato felt much the same as Konan. He'd brought back the village of Konoha after killing them all, and had been brought back to life, albeit as a kitten. Sure, he didn't feel that he deserved it, but he'd shelve those thoughts for later. As it was, he was as pleased as a cat that got the cream.

o.o.o.o.o

Kisame was a bit conflicted. On the one hand, he was extremely happy that he got to see Itachi alive again. On the other, he was a cat, on top of which he was missing Samehada. His major problem right now was that Samehada, unlike most swords, was sentient, was _alive_, and needed to be fed chakra to survive. It wasn't like the other weapons in Akatsuki, like Hidan's scythe or Sasori's puppets. Samehada was aware and hungry, and she needed him.

Poor Samehada.

o.o.o.o.o

No one knows how Zetsu feels. He just did what Tobi told him, but Tobi was in idiot mode right now, so he wasn't giving out orders. Without orders, Zetsu just did what ever came to mind, which wasn't all that normal right now. Zetsu wasn't particularly normal; he may not have even been human. He, or possibly they, was a person, or people, that this particular author is not going to try and psychoanalyze right now because she doesn't have much of a grasp on his internal character.

Altogether, Zetsu was… unfathomable.

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara was ecstatic. So what if the amazing wonder that was his final art was negated and its importance degraded because he was brought back to life? So what if he had to deal with Tobi being even more hyper and just more in general ways? So what if he'd been turned into a kitten? He still got to be alive again! He got to see Sasori-no-danna again! He even found out that Tobi had actually survived his final art! No one would tell him how, but the swirly masked man somehow had, and even if Deidara had found him as annoying as gum in his hair, he'd still cared enough to hope that Tobi somehow wouldn't die after he blew himself up. But hey! Deidara was alive, Danna was here, and Tobi had somehow managed to survive.

Yeah, Deidara was thrilled, un.

o.o.o.o.o

PC Fun Fact: Agents Opal and Moonstone are both werewolves. Agent Opal was bitten when she was eleven, and Moonstone was bitten when he was six. They're also a couple, but that, oddly enough, had nothing to do with those occurrences.

A/N – And another chapter passes with almost no plot development. I really should have thought of something a bit better when I realize that I wasn't at four thousand words yet, instead of just looking into their current thoughts on the situation. Oh, well, you guys might like it. I'm also going to include fun facts about the members of the Phoenix Corporation from now on that you may enjoy; I may add in one about Jade every once in a while.

Anything that I mentioned regarding the care of cats here is true. The book that Jade is using is based off of one that I bought when I was twelve, in hopes of getting a cat—which I never did, but I'm keeping my hopes up—that is called The Complete Guide to Cat Breeds, by Viv Foster. It's very helpful and informative, with "A comprehensive visual directory of cat breeds and cat care." In case anyone cares, which you probably don't, my favorite breed is a Birman. They're very pretty.

EXCITING NEWS! The next chapter involves Jade figuring out who they are and where they're from! Or possibly the chapter after that, but it will most likely be the next chapter: Chapter Five. Also, I have a poll up, please go look at it and vote. I find it rather depressing that most people seem to like the story that I like least. Seriously, why do you people like Advisor? I don't. At least I can understand the attraction of Fly Free, but Advisor? No.


	5. The Fourth Wall is Infiltrated

**A/N – If you don't want to read a pair of scenes about the Phoenix Corporation and its members, then skip the first two scenes. Scenes are divided by chain breaks.**

**A chain break is the little '**o.o.o.o.o'** thing that I do to break up scenes.**

**Last note: This chapter does contain mentions of real YouTube videos. Please support the videos mentioned and visit them. I tried to choose videos that are of good enough quality that I could both use them for the story, and suggest them to anyone. Some of them generally do contain snaps of different anime, but I don't know all the ones used, and I still enjoy them.**

o.o.o.o.o

"Can I stab him?!" Agent Diamond sounded exceedingly happy and excited with that question.

"Stab whom?" Agent Chimera asked, not looking up from the eggplant he was chopping in the pair's kitchen. He was in charge of food due to Diamond's habit of eschewing everything except meat and sweets.

Diamond shrugged, smile on her face. "Any of them, really. Maybe… Hidan? Yeah, stabbing Hidan would be fun! I bet he bleeds a lot even when someone other than him stabs him! And he won't even die because of it! Can I, then?"

"No." He dumped the eggplant into the stew and flicked his head to move his bangs out of his eyes, ponytail jerking behind him.

"Aww, why not?" Diamond whined, swinging her legs back and forth from where she sat on the counter.

"Get off the counter. It's unsanitary, especially since I'm cooking." He still didn't look up from the potatoes he'd begun to peel, and waved a hand absentmindedly over the eggplants leftovers, causing them to vanish.

"You didn't answer my question." The Blood Mage pouted, quite opposed to what her fearful nickname and psychotic battle demeanor generally presented to people.

Chimera laid down the vegetable knife and turned to his partner. He looked her in the eye. "Why? You ask why? Do you remember what happened the last time we let you attack an immortal? And in this case, he's under Jashin's protection. We're not messing with that!"

"Oh, c'mon! I'm not going to suck him dry or anything. If I even do bite him, I won't drink more than, like, a single mouthful."

Chimera looked over at her, sadness in his eyes. "It's not that. It's just… We're still not sure how their chakra works. If enough of his battle personality is infused in his blood, how do you think it'll affect you? What if you end up how you did before we got you therapy after The Collapse?"

Diamond turned to him, small embers burning in her eyes. "I'm not going back to that. I may not be as over it as the rest of you, but I'm _fine_. You know that, Jay."

"Even him?"

"I'm with you, aren't I? You may not be my designated soul mate or whatever, but what we've got is better than anything that could have come of sweeter circumstances with him. We've been through heaven and h*** together, through more than anything I could have gone through with him, with anyone."

"You've changed, Sneaks. Do you really think he could handle you now?"

"Would he have had a choice? It's better this way. We've all changed, and I more than anyone. I'm not the boring little American snob that I was."

"You weren't that snobby." Chimera walked over behind her and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck.

"I was rich and immortal. I'm not going to deny being prideful and arrogant, because I was. Besides, you didn't deny the boring part."

"No, I didn't. You were kind of boring. Now you're just bordering on insanity, and I'm the Cloudcuckoolander's Minder. You're my little Manic Pixy Dream Girl."

Diamond chuckled and leaned back into his arms, her head only barely reaching high enough to lean against his shoulder.

"So can I stab him?"

"The last reason was that Phoenix said not to. So… no."

"Shoot."

o.o.o.o.o

Goldstone leant back in her chair, tapping a pen to her lips as she watched the movement on the screens. "They mentioned The Collapse, Boss."

Phoenix shrugged, "It just kind of happened that way. This was just supposed to set up the 'can I stab him?' joke, have a little heroic comedic sociopathy, but it just ended up being…"

"Mood Whiplash?"

"Exactly." Phoenix sighed into her hands. "Maybe this'll give the readers some depth into their personalities, and some clues about which series they're from."

"Is it really that big of a deal for you?"

"I don't know. Maybe." Phoenix lay her head down, planning out the next bit. "You guys aren't mad at me about what I did, right?"

Goldstone looked over at her boss and, after a second of staring at her, closed her eyes in exasperation. She opened her eyes after breathing deeply for a few seconds with her thumb and forefinger pinched around the bridge of her now. "You're still worried about that, then."

A helpless shrug was her only answer.

Goldstone shook her head. "Of course we aren't mad. A bit resentful, yes, but we've viewed everything from inside your head and from your perspective for several years. We can't help but understand it from your point of view, and we agree, even if we wish it wasn't necessary. And as much as wish it wasn't, we know that it was."

"Still…"

"You destroyed our world, made of Mary-Sues and coincidences, childish plots and unnecessary and unexplainable Dei Ex Machinae **(1)**. We all knew it had to happen."

"And to kill off everyone but you guys?"

"Could the others have survived without succumbing to insanity? As Diamond pointed out, even she came close to losing her mind."

Phoenix shook her head, somber. "That was my fault too. She was expecting to live for centuries at the least anyways, and so was the rest of her family. They rest of you knew that death would eventually come to the people you cared for. Losing them all despite her expectations that at least a few of them would survive indefinitely with her… it's my fault."

"The readers don't like reading you angst."

"I'm not angsting, I'm just… insecure?"

"You're afraid that your Original Characters and two that you borrowed and made your own will hate you." Goldstone deadpanned.

"…Okay, so maybe it's a bit stupid. Not my fault I react that way."

"Yes it is."

"You're nothing but a product of my imagination! I created you! How are you so insubordinate?"

Goldstone turned and grinned maliciously, hand on hip. "Baby, I was _born_ this way."

o.o.o.o.o

By the time Saturday rolled around, the kittens that Jade had taken in had settled into a sort of pattern. She was sure that kittens should take far longer than this to become acclimated to new homes, but brushed it off for the time being. Saturday, after all, was the time for anime—Wednesdays were for the manga.

She connected her laptop to the TV and got the remote keyboard before settling into the couch and going to the site that she always did for subbed episodes. Watching something that was fan-subbed or reading a scanlation _was_ borderline illegal, but she had bought other merchandise on occasion that supported the releases of just about everything anyways, so she didn't feel _too_ bad about it. So, she lined up tabs in the window, ready to watch everything that had come out in the past few weeks, from the least interesting to the most, and then whatever was left.

Shinigami, then ninja, then pirates, and the other little stuff would come later. So, Bleach it was.

Let the show… begin.

o.o.o.o.o

"I still don't get it." Kisame said after they'd seen yet more 'cool' fight scenes from Ichigo, and finished the discussion that was eventually just stopped by Itachi pointing out that Jade probably understood the dialogue because, see, there were words at the bottom of the page. "What was the point of all that?"

"Maybe we should just treat it as a story and let it go?" Sasori suggested. "It's not like it really matters to us."

"It's still confusing." Kisame insisted. The kittens all ignored the ending credits as they watched Jade play with an odd, spinning necklace with an hourglass in it while fiddling with the portable keyboard to minimize the video.

What they saw next was what finally managed to capture their attention. The picture on the screen was that of a smiling, whiskered, blonde boy with a Konoha hitai-ate.

"That's the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki." Kisame stated outright, his tail swishing back and forth across the floor in agitation.

"Uzumaki Naruto." The soft murmur came from Nagato, eyes narrowed slightly.

Jade skipped through the opening and went straight on to the show, a small frown on her face during most of it. The kittens made small talk, most of it directed at Itachi.

"Your brother really was a bit of an idiot about some things." Kisame commented to Itachi.

"Kisame, please be quiet."

"The kid's above average for an Academy student there, but really, did he seriously think he could take you down that soon?"

"Hidan, shut up."

There were several seconds of silence, and then…

"Wow, brother complex much?"

"Deidara, if you say one more thing, I will be making an example out of you to everyone here. All of you will stay quiet on the subject of my brother and his infernal superiority inferiority complex, or suffer my wrath once we return to human form. Are we clear?"

There was no answer. It took several moments until Kakuzu finally took the initiative to ask Itachi another question.

"Were all Konoha-nin of that age really that shrill and annoying sounding?"

"Shut. Up. _Now._"

Unfortunately for Itachi, they didn't. While the questions were carefully kept from straying near the subject of Sasuke again, they were also geared towards Itachi incessantly, and oftentimes very annoying. It finally ended when the show with the pirates came on. Then, they began ribbing Kisame.

Example: "Hey look fish-face, relatives."

"Not funny, Hidan. Despite my quirks, I'm still human. These guys have explicitly stated that they are not, and that they hate humans."

Of course, this kind of bickering quickly died off when they watched closer and saw the story unfold. The slavery of the little girl and the pain that these 'Tenryubito' put her through, the obvious racism and corruption that was apparent in the society that was portrayed, and even the fight scenes and how a _children's show_ actually portrayed pirates, who were generally considered evil on the level of missing-nin, as more sympathetic than the actual law enforcement.

"This is sick." Sasori commented. "At least we're honest about being as morally corrupt as we are. We're criminals, after all. But these 'Marines' are trying to pass themselves off as righteous? It's disgusting."

"Why are you so indignant about this?" Konan asked, curious.

Sasori shrugged his little kitten shoulders. "I left my village because of my desire to create human puppets. Even I realized that what I was doing was not particularly morally upright, but I acknowledged it, at the least. I became a missing-nin, and admitted to myself and to the elemental countries that I was, by traditional societal values, evil, or at the very least had a very skewed sense of judgment for such." He would have sneered had he been human. "However, when a government claims to be dispensing of evil, and then goes ahead and allows slavery, or anything that they claim to be against, just because some upper-class _twits_ tell them too, just to appease some morons with blue blood, and the members in all stages of it still claim that they are doing right by the world? Then they are far, _far_ worse than those of us who at least admit that we are in the wrong."

There was silence among the cats, as Jade began to fiddle with the controls, pulling up something about detectives. Most of them, at least, understood where Sasori was coming from. They were monsters, these members of Akatsuki, but at least they admitted to being such. Monsters that were in the government were much more reprehensible than those outside it.

Nagato, while acting as Pein, had managed to console himself by reminding himself that he'd at least done right by Amegakure, which was all he'd been concerned about as a child. Doing things like killing off all of Hanzo's family members may have been overkill, but at least it wasn't hypocritical. At least when he did what he did, he was convinced that he was doing what was best for the world.

Konan noticed his thoughts and nudged Yahiko, pointing out Nagato's melancholy form. The two kittens, orange and blue, went over and sat down on either side of him, offering silent support.

A loud noise echoed from the television, prompting a giggle from Jade and confusion from the kittens. Something on there was emitting smoke, but none of the Akatsuki recognized it for what it was.

o.o.o.o.o

You may be wondering why we haven't heard anything from the masked idiot or the Venus Fly Trap.

"How did you even manage to do this? **How did you get them angry enough to tie you up when they don't even have opposable thumbs?**" Zetsu actually sounded perplexed.

"Tobi doesn't know! Please help Tobi, Zetsu-san! Tobi was a good boy! Good boys don't get tied up!" Tobi struggled against his restraints, mewling pitifully.

"Tobi. Can we talk to the real you?" Zetsu asked.

Tobi shook his head, still struggling against the yarn. "Tobi has to be a good boy. Remember Zetsu-san? If Tobi is a bad boy, Phoenix-chan will get angry and atomize Tobi!"

Zetsu blinked. "**You were serious about that**?"

"Of course he was."

Tobi stilled, and Zetsu turned around to see a regal-looking golden brown cat, a golden stripe running across her face, head, and neck.

"Who are you?" Zetsu asked, taking a step back to crouch down a bit, as if ready to pounce.

"Oh! Oh! Tobi knows girl-chan! Girl-chan is Goldstone-chan! She works for Phoenix-chan!"

"You can stop talking like that while I'm here, since Zetsu's the only one around. I find your method of speaking while in your 'good boy' persona to be highly irritating."

"So does that mean Tobi can stop talking like an idiot?" His voice was right on the edge of spilling over to his evil self.

"For the time being, yes." Goldstone's own voice was clipped and controlled, void of emotions other than some small amount of disdainful amusement.

"Finally." Tobi's voice, despite being that of a kitten, was deeper now, wearier. "That was trying me like you wouldn't believe."

"I've been in similar situations. You may be surprised."

"Would you mind getting me down?" Tobi asked. "There may be fur to dampen it, but it still chafes."

"_Diffindo_." Goldstone intoned, rather bored. The ropes were cleanly slashed through and fell away. "Quite honestly, you are one of my least favorite characters. While you were playing the idiot originally, I suppose you were amusing, at the least, but eventually you began to get on my nerves when it was revealed that you were only putting up a façade."

"Aw, Goldstone-chan is being mean…" Tobi said mockingly, still in his deep voice. Seconds later, the muscles in his neck were constricting, and he found it hard to breath. Goldstone hadn't even move other than to stare at him.

"Consider this a warning. I am not allowed to kill you permanently, but a temporary death is simple, especially for one of my skill. Killing you would be laughably simple. My powers, at least the base ones, reside in the realm of bodily control. If something has animal cells, I can control those cells. It began as healing. Learning to reverse it was easy. A heart attack, a brain tumor, a ruptured artery… all are simple attacks for me, especially when you are trapped in the body of a kitten, incapable of fighting back.

"Mocking me is acceptable from people I like. I can even stand a bit of teasing from the people I don't. What you did just then I consider acceptable, for now, but if you try to go at all past that, I will not hesitate to kill you off, and bring you back. I can make it exceedingly painful if I so choose to.

"This was just an example of my power, an example you would do well to heed."

The pressure on Tobi's throat disappeared and he began to wheeze as he could breathe again.

"**Why did you come, Agent?"** Black Zetsu asked, tail swishing along the ground.

She stared at him impassively. "I'm just here to tell Tobi that, in cases where you two are the only ones in a room, you can act as you do normally, not as a… 'Good Boy.'"

"How kind of you." Tobi deadpanned, assuming that this, at least, would be acceptable. He guessed accurately.

"We are, when we choose to be. You, on the other hand, seem to find the concept of kindness rather hard to take seriously." A smirk was in her voice.

"Are you leaving soon? **The others will probably come looking for us.**"

"Yes, I'm leaving now." She stood up, and batted at the air in front of her. A purple disc appeared where her paw had been, and Tobi thought he saw some purple threads glinting in the air almost invisibly between the portal and the left side of her face. "Take care, boys. Once you start changing back to human, your visitors will become far less benign in nature and far more eccentric. Hopefully, I can convince Phoenix to send in Nightingale first. He's generally rather laid-back, though I have a feeling that she's going to send in Opal. She wouldn't be too bad…"

By the end, she was speaking more to herself than to Tobi and Zetsu. She disappeared through the portal and it closed up behind her. Zetsu spoke up after several seconds.

"Did you notice her eye, Tobi?"

"Hn." Tobi grunted. "There was something odd about it, but it wasn't a doujutsu. One of her pupils seemed quicker to change than the other, with smoother movements."

"**You noticed all that in just a few minutes?**"

"It wasn't much. It still doesn't tell us anything." Tobi turned his head back to his shoulder blades and began to groom himself. "True, it could have been a transplanted doujutsu, but something tells me that isn't it, not in the least because they outright stated that they aren't ninja."

"We should go see what the others are doing." White Zetsu commented, before his tone turned almost teasing. "And you probably want to play with your dear sempai again."

Tobi shot the black and white tabby a baleful look. "Deidara is barely a fraction of my age. Don't insinuate something like that again. I'm not Orochimaru."

Zetsu nodded and wandered away towards the room that the rest of the Akatsuki was in, leaving Tobi behind. One thought occurred to him.

_You may have denied romantic or sexual attraction, Tobi, but you never denied caring for him whatsoever. Maybe there's more left to your heart than a shriveled husk after all._

o.o.o.o.o

Jade had gotten bored and started watching YouTube videos, upon which Itachi had, in kittenish curiosity, found out something that he considered very interesting and amusing.

The space bar made the video pause.

Now, to a modern person, this little gimmick would be interesting for about half a second before being filed away in the back of the head to use when necessary. However, the ninja came from a world where technology was of a noticeably lower quality. Something this simple was bound to be interesting, and besides, the sheer irritation Itachi caused to the others was definitely worth it.

Jade just watched him in amusement, chuckling once in a while as one of the kittens on the floor hissed in annoyance.

Click. Pause. Click. "I will become—" Click. Pause. Click. "THE KING OF PIRATES!"

And so on it went. After about fifteen entire minutes of watching the kittens—during which she'd gotten herself a drink and an energy bar—Jade finally took back the commandeered keyboard and sat down, Itachi in her lap.

o.o.o.o.o

"Well, Hades, what do you think we should watch next?" Jade asked him, not expecting an answer. She spoke to him, just like she spoke to her friend's dog or her stuffed animals; for the sake of talking, not for a reason.

"How about… World of Conflicts." She chose a video, and settled in to watch it. It was only a few minutes long, but she got goose bumps whenever she saw it.

The kittens simply watched along, mewling among themselves as they tracked the events on the screen. They all twitched uncomfortably once or twice, but Hades didn't bother to try and pause the video again. It was odd since he'd done it so many times earlier, but Jade didn't pay it any attention, moving straight on to a link to another of _LooseControiPL_'s AMV's, Broken Angel. As the video began, the kittens mewled among themselves again, and then Hades paused the video, right where there was four scenes of Itachi poking Sasuke's forehead overlaying each other.

"Hades," Jade complained, reaching to pull him off the keyboard. He swiped at her hand, leaving light scratch marks. "Hey!"

She picked him up and stared him straight in the eyes, "Bad Kitty. Don't scratch."

He turned his head over to the TV, staring intently. Jade frowned and brought him closer to the screen. "What're you so worked up about?" She shifted her hold on him so that he sat on her open palms.

Hades poked his nose at the picture of Itachi, and then at his own chest, and repeated several times. Jade was at a loss.

"Er… I really don't understand what you're trying to tell me…"

He kept staring at her and after waiting a few more moments, let out a frustrated mewl and began to swipe his tail at his picture before swatting himself on the nose with it. Jade still didn't get it.

"Uh, let's just keep watching."

Hades' head, tail, and ears just drooped as he watched Jade turn back to her keyboard.

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara groaned. "How did she not get that?"

Kakuzu snorted. "Our intelligence only appears a little bit above what is average for a cat because we can't directly answer her questions, since we don't understand the language. The best we've been able to do in that respect is what little Hidan understood because he studied some of that 'Lagin' language or whatever."

"It's called Latin, you f***in' miser."

Kakuzu ignored him.

"So what do we do now?"

"Pray for the intelligence of waffles to take over humanity, and call it good?"

The Akatsuki spun around to find the source of the unknown voice, which clearly hadn't come from the TV, but couldn't see anyone. Jade didn't seem to hear anything at all. Deidara finally asked the question everyone wanted to ask. "Who are you, un?"

"Some like to call me Ghost's minion, others call me Gabby, but the point is that I like afflicting confusion upon others…. Continue with your conversation." *Sits in the corner smiling mischievously*

The thoughts she had regarding her own acts were echoed in their heads in a different tone than her spoken words.

"What are you attempting to do with your intrusion?" Nagato questioned aloud.

*Screams in the background * "I can hear that!"

"Oh, for the love of—boss, did you let her in?" The voice was vaguely familiar to the Ame trio and Zetsu—Tobi had not yet returned to them—as one they had heard from…

"Goldstone-san, what is going on?" Konan mewled out, hoping that she'd caught the girl's attention.

"Sorry, sorry!" Her voice was panicked. "The boss let a friend of hers read the story before posting it, and the friend decided to write some lines in, expecting it to be erased; Phoenix decided to leave it in for kicks, but that means we're experiencing some technical difficulties as a result. Gab's off of here now, but I'll need another minute or two to fix up the fourth wall since she's broken it."

There was silence for a few minutes, and then the voice called over again. "Alright, I'm setting it up again. I'm sorry about this, but there may be some side effects for a few of you."

Dread settled in several stomachs, though only Kakuzu questioned it aloud. "What kinds of side effects?"

They heard a stressed noise coming from the girl. "Phoenix-sama says that a few of you may end up with the ability to break the fourth wall permanently. You've already got medium awareness, but…" The sound of air hissing between teeth was heard. "We of the Phoenix's choice are the only ones that should be able to break the fourth wall in this setting. _This_, though… _this_ is unprecedented. We should be able to isolate it to minor incidents that are plot related, but that may take a few chapters to regulate."

A few random beeps were heard. "Okay, the barrier is going back up in three, two, one, _**now**_."

A shimmering noise passed through their heads and then…

"S***, I can still hear her." Hidan cursed. "She wants to know if there was anyone else permanently affected."

The kittens all shook their heads, and then loud caterwauling was heard. "AH! THERE'S VOICES IN TOBI'S HEAD!"

Hidan's head fell. "Great. Stuck sharing in this insanity with the f***in' idiot."

o.o.o.o.o

"Why?! Why did we keep that? No, wait, we didn't want to keep it. So, then, why did YOU keep it? Huh? Can you tell me why? It's just fuel for the flames, you know! Tell me, you got a reason?" Goldstone was, for one of very few times, losing her temper.

Phoenix shrugged as she watched her subordinate rant. "I was planning on giving someone fourth wall immunity anyway. MKL suggested who, and Gabby just… shoved her way in while I was delivering something for a teacher. I decided to leave it in as a way to get it done. Sure, it's the kind of random and non sequitor humor that we normally eschew, but I'll let it go this once. It's a parody after all; we need to get it in there somehow."

Goldstone folded her arms and glared. "It drove the story off the rails. We had to rebuild the fourth wall, wasting precious resources, and we had to _slow down time for several minutes to keep the story from falling off the plot guidelines!_" She hissed the end. "We've barely got a screen up against Gabby now! Keep her away from your files, woman!"

Phoenix laughed softly. "I will; I will. Calm down, sweetie. You're getting all hyped up over nothing. It's just a big-lipped alligator moment, nothing to worry about."

Goldstone seethed, whirling around to continue on damage control. "We're behind schedule now. We were supposed to have Jade figure it out by the time we reached four thousand words. What do we do now?"

Phoenix thought for a few seconds, and then shrugged. "_RyuuNoGin_'s Akatsuki Triple Baka?"

Goldstone just stared at her for a few seconds before groaning softly. "I'll call in Opal for the subliminal messaging."

"And for the win."

"Yes, that too."

"Don't forget to call in Jay so he can turn them into slightly more clichéd kittens and enable de-transformation."

"I'll get Chimera, don't worry."

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan's ears lay flat against his head. "Ow, that hurts. They're f***in' _loud_." He whimpered a bit.

Konan wandered over to him and started washing him down. "There, there, it's not that bad."

"Tobi's head hurts too…" The whimper was largely ignored for a few seconds, and then Deidara sighed and went over to sit next to him. He refused to act motherly like Konan, though.

"What is going on up there?" Kisame's incredulous voice broke them all out of it. There was music coming from the screen, but it was much happier than any of the videos they'd watched up 'til then, and much higher pitched.

And Tobi, Konan, and Deidara were all on the screen, acting extremely out of character.

"Eh?! Tobi would never hit Konan-nee-san on the head with a giant paperclip!"

"I can't actually sing that high. Nor would I sing about something so… lazy." Konan shook her head, fur swishing.

Nothing was heard from Deidara, and everyone turned to look at him. He noticed them staring and turned away from the video. "What?"

"You're not going to get angry that they make you sound, act, and look like a girl?" Yahiko enquired.

Deidara blinked at them. "Why would I? I never have before. Besides, unlike Konan, I actually _can_ sing like that."

They continued to stare at him. The video ended, and Jade reset it to play again. This time, Itachi took the initiative and jumped up into her lap a few seconds in, pausing it again. He hissed to the three that had been mentioned, and they assembled under the TV in accordance the beginning scene.

Jade stared at them, an increasingly incredulous look on her face.

o.o.o.o.o

Now, Jade wasn't normally a superstitious person, or one that believed in the magical or supernatural. She loved reading about it or watching it, but overall she was a very level-headed and grounded person. So, when the kittens, one by one, began to align themselves with Akatsuki characters and actually _fit_ the images they were trying to convey, she was understandably shocked and doubtful.

"That's… that's impossible. It _can't_ be true. You guys just… just… you can't actually be the Akatsuki!"

The screen flashed for a few seconds, and a smooth and controlled voice not unlike GLaDOS, spoke. "Please wait several moments."

A pale blonde girl appeared on the right side of the screen, tugging something in. You could only see the right side of her face, which was very beautiful. The screen zoomed out as she tugged a large black mass three times her height and many times wider into the middle of the screen, and electricity seemed to taint the air in the room. When she brought the mass right into the middle, she pulled the black cloth sheath off, and towering letters showed up, with accompanying fanfare and glorious singing.

**YOU WIN!**

Jade gaped, and the girl finally turned towards the screen, only to jump straight out of it in a burst of electricity and land right in the middle of the living room. The left side of her face, previously hidden because of how she'd been turned, was revealed to have thin, ugly scars running down to her collarbone, where they suddenly grew wide and then disappeared altogether. If it weren't for the scars the girl's beauty would have been inhuman—which it was, but they needn't have known that—but as it was, she was only barely above attractive. That wasn't what caught Jade's attention, though. Of course, like most people, she immediately asked about the more in-her-face problem.

"How did you just jump out of my computer screen?"

The girl frowned. "Well, at least you asked about how instead of just asking if I did. That's a step better than normal. The real question is: why did I come?"

Jade stared at her dumbly for a few seconds before crossing her arms. "Why, then?"

"Shouldn't you introduce yourself and ask my name first?"

Jade frowned slightly. "Hello, my name is Jade Juarez. What's yours?"

"That wasn't so hard, now was it? I call myself Agent Opal of the Phoenix's Choice. I have also been called the Lightning Queen and Wolf Princess." The girl then grinned and waved an arm at the screen where the words still resided. "I came because you won, of course! You were created as an OC for a parody fanfiction of common Akatsuki!kitten stories, and you won access to possibly undesirable knowledge by figuring it out without having them turn back to themselves right in front of your face!"

Jade continued to stare, fear crossing into her eyes. Opal ignored her and continued to talk. "Of course, we set them so that they couldn't transform back until you'd figured it out and used whatever method each one was aligned to, but they don't even know English, so that makes your job even harder than most girls'. Anyway, you even got Yahiko thrown into the mix, isn't that great?!"

Jade kept staring at her for a few moments before fainting dead away. Opal frowned, before muttering in French.

"I didn't even get to show her my awesome lightning and mind tricks."

o.o.o.o.o

PC Fun Fact: Agent Diamond and Agent Opal, frequently referred to as the PC's 'pretty girls,' are the only two members that weren't born fully human. Agent Moonstone is the only other one that wasn't completely human at the time of his transference to his 'powered' state as a PC operative.

Footnote 1 – As far as I'm aware, Dei Ex Machinae is the plural of Deus Ex Machina.

**A/N: A difficult chapter to write, but I think Gabby's contribution actually helped. Sorry about that bit, by the way. Hopefully the reasons discussed are understandable. But hey! Early update, and it's extra-long, too!**

**Did it work out alright? Did the video, Portal, and Lady Gaga references annoy you? Did I do alright in choosing good episodes (they're from different weeks because some fan translations take longer than others)? Were the PC scenes too overbearing? CAN YOU GUESS WHO AGENT DIAMOND IS YET?**

**A user referred to as MKL is mentioned. This is ****MegaKiraraLover****. She has an amazing HP/Naruto crossover where Harry is Jashin, and I love it. I let her choose which characters are allowed to break through the fourth wall for a role she let me play for her story (choosing whether Konan died or not). Check it out; it's very good.**

**That's all for now, folks!**


	6. Where Jade is Not a Fangirl

**A/N: Just so you know, I'm going to be treating Jade's reactions as realistically as I can imagine someone reacting in an unbelievable situation like this. Psychological shock is treated as a genuine possibility. She requests proof of identities and has trouble believing things. She is **_**not**_** fangirling. She is going to panic a few times. She's going to act the way I hope I could in a situation that unbelievable.**

o.o.o.o.o

There were eleven kittens, two overpowered humanoids, and one human in Jade's living room.

Chimera was lying on his back on the floor, purple ponytail somewhat splayed out. He had Hidan on his chest and was playing with his paws. Hidan seemed, at best, somewhat bemused, but he put up with it since Chimera was also giving him advice on how to deal with the fourth wall powers he'd gotten.

Opal was sitting cross-legged next to Jade's head where she lay on the sofa, still not awake, with her chin resting on her hand, which in turn rested on her knee. Her other hand was busy petting Zetsu, thumbing over her eye. She murmured in Japanese, grinning slightly. "You guys are pretty lucky that I can read minds on default."

The kittens simply stared at her. Considering what they'd seen her do, it wasn't really all that surprising.

"Mmnrg…" Jade made a small noise as she shifted, slowly waking up. Opal and Chimera glanced at each other, before Opal stood up and leant down over Jade, making sure that their eyes were only inches apart, but ready to move at a moment's notice.

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty!" Opal crooned somewhat creepily, smirking at Jade. She backed away just fast enough to avoid a painful collision of foreheads.

"You- but- Akatsuki- the TV-!" Jade stuttered, her eyes wide and frightened. Opal walked over to her, face calm and kind, and put her hands on Jade's shoulders.

"Breathe. In, out. In, out." She told Jade. The girl followed the orders, breathing slowly until she'd calmed down again.

"Who are you really?" Jade asked, voice still trembling slightly. She glanced down at where Chimera still lay on the floor, entrenched in a staring contest with Hidan.

"You read fanfiction." Opal said, and it wasn't a question. She sat down on the counter, long legs swinging back and forth. "You've read Impossible, by phoenixyfriend, right? The one where she calls herself Phoenix in regards to most everyone else?"

Jade frowned, "I… think so? Can you be a bit more specific?"

"First chapter has Roronoa Zoro in a staring contest with a Basilisk during Harry Potter's second year."

Jade's eyes widened. "Yeah, I remember that one now! I think I've got her on author alert, but it's been glitching a bit. I know she hasn't updated that one specifically, but ffnet keeps sending me messy emails with links that go to a story that doesn't exist. There isn't even a title included, or a synopsis or anything. All I've got is that it's categorized as a Naruto parody and humor fic."

"That's because you're in that one." Opal said, her smile a bit fixed. _Okay, shouldn't have skimped on that. I guess that having blank emails come worked out better than having it completely erased from this continuum in its entirety._

Jade stared. "What."

"You know how in most kitten fics, a character at least once says, 'It's just like in those fanfictions!' or something like that?" Chimera piped up from the ground.

Jade nodded slowly.

"Yeah, this isn't just like a fanfiction. You are literally _in_ a fanfiction." Opal said bluntly. "We're Phoenix Corporation Agents, like Diamond, Goldstone, and Ruby in Impossible. Sorry to tell it to you like this, but it's true."

Jade simply stared at her, eyes blank. Chimera finally stood up and came to stand next to Opal, looking at Jade worriedly. "Do you think she's gone into shock?"

Opal bit her lip and stared at Jade for a few seconds before shaking her head. "No, she'll be fine soon. She's just taking it slowly."

"I'm glad you're in on this one." Chimera murmured, putting a hand on his cousin's shoulder. "It's good to have a mind reader when there's an actual chance of someone going into psychological shock due to sudden informational influx."

Jade blinked slowly before coming back to herself. "O-okay. Can you prove it?"

Opal nodded slowly. "Close your eyes; it's less of a shock that way."

Jade did so hesitantly, and then gasped. "What is that?"

Opal grinned cheerfully. "My original power lay in the mind. Sensing other's thoughts and manipulating them if I wished, the base being control of senses. What you're hearing right now is the sounds of an elf choir from Du Weldenvarden, from the Inheritance Cycle. Now…"

Jade opened her eyes, not really seeing anything, or rather, seeing something other than what was there.

"_That's_ lunch in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. You could try reaching out and touching the food, it'll feel like you're really holding it. If you tried eating it, I could make it taste like the most wonderful thing in the world." Behind Opal, Chimera was translating everything into Japanese for the Akatsuki, adding notes for things that they didn't have experience with.

"N-no, I'm good." Jade said, and blinked as she was returned to her living room. She looked at Chimera.

"And you, Agent…?"

"Agent Chimera, charmed, I'm sure." He swept his fedora—solely there so that he could look, by his own definitions, cool—off his head and created a bow so elaborate that it made several of the audience, Jade included, laugh softly as intended. Opal just rolled her eyes, though a smile played on her lips.

"As for my proof…" He winked at her, and then gestured grandly to everyone around him. "If I may have a little room?"

He fell forward, growing as he did so. His head split in two, one side growing horns and shorter hair all over, while on the other, sharp teeth dominated and his ponytail became a large, midnight blue ruff around his neck. Fur grew over almost all of his body, the same purple color as most of his hair, and his hands became paws as his feet became hoofs. He grew a scaly midnight blue tail that split and became a small head at the end, a snake that began to hiss and spit menacingly. His lion head roared, and his goat head simply tossed up and down, careful not to accidentally stab the lion head in the chin. Agent Chimera had become his name.

"Is this enough to convince you?" His voice, when he spoke, was deep and gravelly, coming from the lion head.

Jade nodded, whimpering slightly in fear with her eyes wide. She was pressed up against the wall in fear, and most of the kittens were near her, some glaring at Chimera.

"Well, that's great!" The goat head said brightly, raspy voice sounding happy.

"Indeed." The snake head agreed. It did not sound sibilant and breathy as one would expect, but deep and sensual, the kind that made girls blush when directed at them from a handsome man. Too bad this was a snake-shaped tail instead.

The Chimera stood up on its hind legs, already shrinking in order to avoid hitting the ceiling. He quickly became human again. He slung an arm around Opal's shoulders, smiling to try and keep Jade calm.

"We two are actually the third in command in the Corporation. Phoenix-sama is first, and Goldstone is second. Nominally, she's the vice-president of the corporation, the de facto mission leader and captain of any group she leads, and our head medic as well, but all that really means is that she's in charge when Phoenix isn't, and she's one of the best healers in fiction. I'm pretty sure it's justified, though, since she's an overpowered OC made expressly for the purpose of fulfilling the author's wishes."

Jade nodded again. "Ooookay then. So I'm an original character created by an author named phoenixyfriend that inserted herself only on my world's internet, but does not exist here physically?"

Opal nodded. "I took care of that bit. We needed you to be able to recognize the name. We can come here and do stuff, but the closest that Phoenix herself can come is as a hologram of sorts. Last time we tried that was chapter four of Impossible,"

"The thing with Aizen," Jade interrupted. "Ah, I'm sorry. Please continue."

Opal did so with a smirk on her face. "And you can see how well that turned out. Impossible's been stalled for months now, and that was just Phoenix as a hologram via Nightingale's powers for the light and Quartz's for the sound. She didn't even physically interact. Best we can do now without stalling out if we want her to meet people directly is draw them or their minds into a pseudo-universe of our own, generally shrouded in mist for the sake of seeming mysterious, and project her into there. Trying to get Phoenix to interact directly breaks physical laws and is, in general, avoided whenever possible."

"Okay," Jade said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I think I've got it. So, why are you two here, then?"

"I'll handle this one." Chimera volunteered. "You see, the two of us each have powers that are needed to implement changes on the situation. Opal… Opal's here more for the sake of mental manipulation in regards to the Akatsuki themselves. She'll be using something outside of her normal repertoire, but the end result is that they'll be able to learn English a shade faster than normal." He stopped when he caught the look on her face, and then grinned.

"Yeah, they only speak Japanese. Well, Hidan knows a bit of some old languages like Latin and Ancient Greek that he used for research purposes, but that's about as close as it gets. I'm here to enable transformation."

The look on the younger girl's face prompted him to continue. "I'm here to prime them for transformation back to human form, basically. There'll be different catalysts for each one, but there will be something. We can't tell you what, though. I'm also here to alter their appearances a bit so that they're closer to what is generally considered kitty canon in most kitten fics."

"Don't forget the weapons." Opal called out.

"Oh yeah," Chimera reached into his cloak, pulling out a bag. For a demonstration, he stuck his arm in up the shoulder, even though it barely looked big enough to hold a few bottles of water. "This bag is pretty much bottomless. There are scrolls inside that are labeled in both English and Japanese. They only respond to the chakra of the ones that the weapons inside belong to. Oh, and Samehada's in stasis, so she'll be fine when she gets out." He repeated the line in Japanese to Kisame at his side. The blue kitten visibly relaxed.

"You've read Ranma ½, right?" Opal questioned.

Jade nodded. "Yes. Let me guess. You're modifying them to react to water as if they had Shampoo's Jusenkyo curse?"

Opal smiled. "Exactly. Would you like to watch Chimera as he unlocks their abilities and moves them to kitty canon?"

"Erm… sure?" Jade followed her over to Chimera, who smiled and began to work.

He first picked up Kisame—_Eiffel_, Jade thought to herself—and faded the stripes until he was almost uniformly blue. The gill markings below his eyes remained, and a dark blue ruff crossed his head where his hair usually was. A simpler change than some, certainly, though definitely a larger change than others. A small poke near the heart, they told Jade, was necessary for Chimera's method of releasing their chakra from the locks that it had been under.

Sasori and Hidan came next, but neither changed much. Their chakra was released, but that was all that was visible. Hidan was told that his immortality was back in full force now, but that he shouldn't try to test it because it would make things hard to fix.

Itachi didn't outwardly changed much either, but after releasing Itachi's chakra, Chimera had taken the kitten head into his hands for several seconds. After doing so, Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan spun to life, and he blinked in surprise, looking up at Chimera.

"Yeah, it's more of an Eternal now. Remember, we've got full control of just about everything concerning the stories under our control. The long-term ones that we involve ourselves in directly are also far more idealistic than the ones that we don't involve ourselves in. If we can make things better in this one, we'll go ahead and do it. So you get your health and vision back. Congrats."

Kakuzu had come next. His tabby patterning had, for the most part, faded, but dark bars had appeared in the places where he'd had stitch marks. After his chakra was released, he'd allowed himself to be manhandled for a few seconds and after that waved a few of his threads about from small slits that had appeared in the barring.

The Ame trio was all done as a group, putting smiles on the faces of the present entities that were currently humanoid. Yahiko didn't change, though Chimera admitted aloud that he was tempted to give him markings akin to piercings. Hearing this, Yahiko and a few others sniggered, though Nagato flinched slightly. Konan stayed similar to how she'd been, though the splotch above her right eye changed until it was recognizable as a flower. Nagato regained his Rinnegan, which he flashed on and off several times until he was satisfied that it worked.

Deidara finally managed to break free of Tobi and rushed up to Chimera, bouncing up and down. The dark line around his eye that signified the eyeliner he always wore didn't interest him, though. It was the seams that opened up on his chest and forepaws that drew his interest. Soon enough, he was dancing around happily, crowing about how he had his mouths back, about how he could breathe easy again. No one was really feeling outspoken enough to ask if he just meant it as the saying or if he meant it literally.

Tobi came next, and his change was one of the largest. All the orange on his body coalesced onto his face, forming the familiar swirl pattern. The brown that was left darkened until it was a coal black, and Zetsu later saw him activating his Sharingan in secret, mentioning to the plant man that he was told to not use it unless necessary.

Zetsu was last, and his change was the largest. The green moved up to his head and formed a large ruff around his shoulders. The black and white solidified on either side of his body as it was normally. He sank into the floor and reappeared a meter or so away as a test immediately after his chakra was unsealed. A quick warning from Agent Chimera made him sure not to try and run off.

Chimera sat back on his heels and looked up at the girls, grinning. "Well, Jade? You in?"

Jade stared at them before nodding slowly. "So long as it doesn't interfere with my exams… sure."

Chimera grinned, a flash of golden brown crossing his blue, nearly black eyes before fading. Opal stood next to him, and electric blue crossed her own eyes, which were normally a pale and rather foggy blue. They wore matching Cheshire Cat Grins, and Jade felt rather uncomfortable seeing them.

They spoke in tandem.

"_Excellent_."

o.o.o.o.o

"There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was…" Phoenix quoted and turned to look at Diamond, who was tied to a chair with steel ropes. The agent grinned anxiously.

"One of the most destructive beings ever created?"

"I was going to say 'horrid,' but yours works much better." Phoenix snorted. "Why did you feel the need to do what you did?"

Diamond shrugged. "I needed a bloodbath, so I went and got one. Can I go rob a blood bank?"

"No."

"Can I tell Jade how to make Hidan human again and then suck out all his blood?"

"No."

"Can I have a dental plan?"

"You already have one."

"Can I have my girlfriend back?" A male voice called out as the door opened and Chimera walked in. He hung up some keys on the wall. "I rather miss her."

"Love you too!" Diamond chirped. At only four foot eleven—just under a hundred and fifty centimeters—she was the shortest member of the Phoenix Corporation. Of course, she took advantage of her diminutive height by trying to use it to make herself as cute as possible. It usually worked.

"Did you check on that hole that Gabby made on your way back?"

Opal nodded, dropping her bag on the chair at her desk. "Yeah. The window and screen that we put in are holding up fine. Why did we use Hidan and Tobi, again?"

Phoenix shrugged. "It was a side effect of preexisting powers. Tobi had already been hopping in and out of the blank dimension in that universe, and Hidan has inter-planar telepathy with Jashin already set as a precedent. None of the others have that, so when MKL suggested it, I saw the justifications, though she only provided Hidan's, and decided on Tobi's from there."

Opal nodded. "I guess that makes sense. Any plans from here?"

Phoenix shook her head. "Not really, no. I'll have Jade decide on her method for interacting with the Akatsuki from here on out, but that'll be it for the chapter. Did you leave those language books?"

Chimera looked up from where he was untying Diamond. "Yeah. We left those school books for Japanese to English for the Akatsuki, and a 'For Dummy's' book for Jade."

"Right. This is where it gets fun."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade stared at her—now much weirder—kittens, which were looking at her expectantly. The one that she could identify as Hidan, because no one else in Akatsuki had such pale hair, other than Nagato just prior to death, was actually looking at the language books instead, but she dismissed it out of hand.

So, the best she could do for now would probably be Google Translate. Great.

o.o.o.o.o

PC Fun Fact: When I originally wrote the elemental quad, they were all female. Now, Ruby (fire and heat) and Sapphire (water and ice) are still female, but Quartz (air and plasma) and Silk (earth, metal, and anything that falls under such similar qualifications) are now male because there were too many girls in the PC. All four were originally based off of four girls I knew but no longer keep in touch with.

**A/N: This is the third story that I'm updating today. Be glad, puny humans. Be glad.**

**So, did Jade seem realistic? Did the PC scene at the end grate on your nerves?**

**EXPLANATION! PLEASE READ! The PC operates from a base. There is a control room and all that. From said room, hallways branch off. At a certain point, doors appear, and each one represents a story. The basic premise is this: there is a door in the fourth wall, and the agents have the keys. Anyone else just breaks it. The control room exists between the reader and the story, almost as if it were the fourth wall itself. The control room is like the entrance hall of the building, and each story is in a room that branches off from there. My profile page is like a map, but not really. Does this metaphor still make sense?**


	7. Headaches

**A/N – This chapter will mention two different fanfic authors. I mean no insult to either, and consider them both to be at least acquaintances, at most genuine online friends. Oh, and various tropes are always underlined when referenced directly AS A TROPE, e.g. ****People Sit on Chairs****. Oh, and I actually did just press the random button.**

o.o.o.o.o

Trapped.

It was the perfect word to describe their situation, really. Jade was doing this because, guess what? She's the main character! At least, she was officially. And the Akatsuki didn't have a choice whatsoever. Everything they did was being watched, monitored, by the Phoenix Corporation. The feelings among the Akatsuki in concern to the corporation, and the agents they'd thus far met in particular, were a mixed bag, of course. The feelings became far more mixed upon the introduction of the girl with the flaming head, but that is a story for a later chapter.

"Chapter? Tobi thought the term was episode."

"No, idiot. Episode is for TV. It's really not that hard to get."

"Oh… Hidan-sempai, you're really good at this 'English' language!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Go bother Deidara or something. I've got another headache from this stupid fourth wall s***."

"Okay! Deidara-sempai~!" Tobi ran off.

_I'm sorry, Hidan. This probably wasn't the best idea, but it does open up so many possibilities… You're not too mad, are you, sugar? You've got a better mental connection to Jashin now, right? Does that…_

Hidan groaned into his paws. "Can you please not talk in italics? I know it's better for the readers' understanding or some dumb-as-s*** excuse like that, but it _hurts_. Like _h***_."

Sorry, dear.

"Why are you using those… cutesy names?"

You mean when I call you sugar, and dear, and sweetie and all that? Meh. Just something I do when using electronic communications. And since I'm typing my conversation with you…

"Right." He snorted, laying his head down on his paws.

I think it happened when I watched the Ranma ½ dub. Ukyo had a tendency to call everyone sugar, and then I did it once or twice as a joke or because it fit the situation, and eventually it just kinda found its way into my regular online talk.

"Can you stop?"

Well… yes. I just prefer talking this way. Sorry, sweetie, but it's not gonna stop anytime soon. If it's any consolation, I've got Opal working on programming the barrier so that it stops being such a hassle.

"Not much of a consolation, b****. You openly admitted that you like mocking us."

True, but at least I haven't gone the MA route. I'm just mildly teasing you. And it's _just_ me.

"… Do I even f***in' want to know what that means?"

MaliceArchangela, the author of Quiet on the Golf Course and Quiet on the Campus. She taunts her characters far more than I do, and she lets reviewers send in messages and instructions. Then they have no choice but to follow the 'requests' of the reviewer in question.

"She sounds like a b****." Hidan deadpanned.

To the characters? Sure. To the reviewers? Sweetest girl on the planet. She's really quite friendly. I might just take the MKL route, though.

"Which is?" Hidan asked. "And why aren't you making Tobi take part in this… discussion?"

Did Jashin tell you about the Madara thing?

"Yeah…" Hidan nodded.

That's why. And the MKL route would be to take inspiration from a friend of mine, MegaKiraraLover, and simply pluck you all out from there every couple of chapters, stick you in a random room somewhere, and send you envelopes with reviews, without actually forcing you to do anything.

"Why are you advertising these people?"

I'm not _advertising_ them, per se. I'm just covering all my bases and giving credit where credit is due in the case that I may or may not emulate one or more examples of fellow fanfiction writers that I admire.

…

Yeah…

"What are you waiti—?"

**ACTIVATE '****IDIOSYNCRATIC WIPE****' FEATURING '****CRYSTAL DRAGON JESUS****' FOR 'SCENE CHANGE'**

o.o.o.o.o

Agent Emerald leaned back in his chair, playing with his tie. "Well, that was odd."

"Shaddup." Phoenix ordered, sitting down next to him. She bent forward over the table and crossed her arms. She sighed, and a second later, her head was buried in her right elbow.

Emerald shrugged. "Well, you _were_ having writer's block. Pushing through it instead of waiting for inspiration may not have been the best move. Think clicking TvTropes' random button might help out?"

"I don't know. Last time I did that, it didn't help much. I mean, I ended up on No Transhumanism Allowed, for crying out loud! What am I supposed to do with that? Spend an entire chapter talking about whether Sasori and Orochimaru could be considered an inversion since they might count as Transhuman, despite existing in a world where such things are not supposed to be common?"

"You could." Emerald smirked. "Or you could just press the button again."

"Oh, please. I'm already on the way to alienating readers by referencing them so much." Phoenix scoffed, and then went very, _very_ still. "Hey, TvTropes is fun and all, but…"

Emerald paled, though it didn't show very well due to his dark skin tone. "TvTropes Will Ruin Your Life, c***. We've probably just sent a couple poor souls down a road they can't come back from."

Phoenix let a melodramatic tear trail down her face in typical fanfiction Sue fashion. "They shall be missed…"

"You gonna press the button?"

"Yeah, yeah… Sleeves Are For Wimps."

"Inapplicable. They're cats, sleeves aren't an option, and they can't currently do much." Emerald commented, glancing at his own sleeves. "Though we could probably make some sort of comment on my outfit, just for the h*** of it. Long-sleeved white button-down, grey vest with a pocket hanky, green tie, even my lovely emerald earing…" He stopped as Phoenix cut him off, and leaned back in his chair with an amused and vaguely exasperated smile on his face.

"Next: Career Resurrection. Well, they'll be ninjas again eventually, but I can't exactly use it in this chapter. Besides, it's not like they're suffering from circumstances that apply; they're return is more or less guaranteed, and we told them that. Besides, it's not like they're Hollywood starlets or something, and this trope only applies to celebrities. Hm, next… think we could use Bilingual Backfire?"

"No, but you should probably start on the language issues anyway." He looked at her a bit more closely. "You're making that weird face again. What's wrong?"

"I was kinda hoping Dhampyr would pop up."

"Because of…"

"Yeah, maybe it would help them figure it out. Oh well, we managed to stick it into the conversation. Hopefully it'll be enough. I can't think of many more hints that keep those two suitably vague but not completely opaque."

"Heh, rhyme. Anything else come up?"

"Erm… Not Himself, which I think I _might_ be able to work in, though probably not, and…"

"What?"

"Oh, this is so cool. Such a contrived coincidence, and yet I actually didn't do it on purpose."

"Seriously, tell me."

"Was Once A Man." Phoenix broke down into giggles. Emerald quickly followed with his own deep chuckles. Phoenix picked herself up. "I mean, I can't exactly label them under that trope completely, since their just kittens, and not monsters, but…"

"Still funny."

"Yes, yes. Let's just see if I can make it to four thousand before the night is out."

"Aye, aye, captain."

o.o.o.o.o

Konan looked over to where Hidan sat in the corner, head on his paws and a miserable expression on his little kitten face. Not to mention the pathetic yet cute body language. She padded over.

"Is something wrong, Hidan?" She questioned him.

"Headache." His answer was curt and low. Great.

"What happened?"

Hidan groaned. "They're loud. According to our darling 'authoress,' everything she hears and even _thinks_ about incorporating into the story gets shoved into my head while she's writing the chapter. Which means it's f***in' _compressed_. And all the music hurts too."

"What kind of music?" Konan asked, hoping to get his mind off of it. It wasn't like she could give him some painkillers, after all.

"Weird music. There's plenty of normal stuff, but then every few minutes she puts on smooth jazz or some hundred and fifty year old Celtic song or lullabies about revenge and killing or something. And then there was the tomato thing…"

Konan tilted her head. "Tomato thing?"

"Apparently, 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes' is a movie, and the theme song repeats the title in an appropriately dramatic tone." Hidan's words were said in a tone that labeled everything he said as something he was genuinely quite tired with, and that his head was getting too full. However, the way he spoke also indicated that Konan had started to get his mind off of what the Fourth Wall was doing to his head. Though the lack of egregious—

o.o.o.o.o

"Please tell me I used that correctly." Phoenix clasped her hands. "The word is its own _trope_, for Pete's sake."

Emerald glanced over at her. "Chocolate and crème banana?"

"Don't mind if I do."

o.o.o.o.o

-swearing was rather worrying. Of course, the unnecessary swears were often a source of both amusement and irritation to the various Akatsuki members, but that wasn't the point right now. The point was that Hidan, a classic example of Sir Swears-a-Lot, at least in the context of this particular fic, wasn't swearing very much right now. And that was Bad.

Yes, the capital 'B' was necessary. Deal with it.

"What the h*** is this s***?"

Never mind. Konan felt the urge to sweatdrop. "What's wrong now?"

A look of dawning horror came onto Hidan's face. "I don't – that shouldn't – _hah_?"

Konan waited a few more seconds, then prodded him with her paw. "Hidan?"

A mumbled whisper came from him. Konan tilted her head to the side. "What?"

"…Caramelldansen…"

Well, that told her absolutely nothing.

o.o.o.o.o

"But it told the readers a lot." Phoenix commented, taking a sip of water. Emerald shrugged his shoulders next to her.

"Not all that funny. You sure you're okay writing this? You haven't slept much recently, and I'm pretty sure that it's affecting your sense of humor."

Phoenix frowned. "No duh. Of course it is. But I'm going to get to at least two thousand words tonight, if it's the last thing I do."

"I thought you said four thousand." Emerald commented lightly, smirking a little. Phoenix shot him a dirty look in return.

"Yeah, and it's currently three in the morning here. I'll be lucky to fill just the two thousand. Besides, you work for me. Who gave you permission to snark like…"

Emerald raised an eyebrow. "Does this count as Self Depreciation? I mean, we're not you, but since we're figments of your mindscape, and we constantly tease you, I think…"

"Shut up, Emerald."

"Shutting."

o.o.o.o.o

Tobi, though he didn't show it, was suffering from headaches just as bad as Hidan's. The only difference was that he used the oh-so-wonderful hobby that was annoying his irritable Deidara-sempai as a distraction. As a plus, Deidara was always with Sasori, so annoying the young blonde generally involved annoying the puppet-master as well.

How wonderful for you, Tobi.

"Tobi's a good boy! Tobi just wants to play with Deidara-sempai." The 'good boy' just mentioned was currently batting a ball of yarn around, trying to get Deidara, as well as anyone else, to join in. Jade was trying to ignore them at her desk, focusing on the conjugation of irregular French verbs in the future tense. She wasn't succeeding very well at ignoring them, if you were wondering.

"Go away, un! I'm trying to sleep!" Deidara hissed from his position on top of a large, furry blue pillow. Sasori was lying on a similar, yellow pillow next to him, trying to ignore the both of them.

"But Tobi wants to play."

A loud bang came from Jade's direction, and they all turned to see her more or less seething, hand still where she'd slammed her pen down. She got up, and turned towards them, eyes unseen due to shadow. An improbable wind passed through, causing strands of her hair to float about her and cross her face in an intimidating manner. She stalked forward, ignoring the lightning that was suddenly crashing down around her, indoors no less. She lifted a hand, pointing at the door, and raised her head, just as the lightning crashed down perfectly once more to illuminate her face, and the light remained, allowing them to truly drink in her now demonic appearance.

"_Out_."

At the sound of the hiss, all three cats fled. Jade herself wasn't all that scary, but if the Agents were collaborating to cause a scene like that just for the fun of it, then the Akatsuki members didn't want to anger her again, because that would mean 'godly' intervention.

Jade blinked and looked around her meteorologically normal room, and then stared at the door again. "All I did was ask them to leave so I could study. Why did they act like they were being chased by the hounds of h***?"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N – Short. Filler-ish. Stupid. Unfunny. But I had to give you guys something, right?**

… **I'm such an epic failure right now.**


	8. Fishy Friends

**A/N: If you notice me switching between perfect and pluperfect tenses during this… I'm a little confused too. I'm still not sure if I got it all right, but whatever.**

**o.o.o.o.o**

It's not a Story Breaker Power.

It's a Story _Maker_ Power.

The mantra of the Phoenix Corporation, whenever they start thinking that they are Mary Sues. It is a simple distinction, to them. Yes, they have powers to the height that no character should ever have, but they, as people, aren't there to be effected by the plot. They are not there to fix the plot. They are not there to drive the plot further than it has been driven thus far. They are there to _create_ it.

They work directly for the author. Their position is one that is uncommon. If they didn't have their powers, they would be unable to do their jobs, and would be lost to obscurity.

A Story Breaker Power is a power that could be used to easily fix the plot. It is the bane of many an overzealous writer. It can cause backlash in almost any genre. But when that same power is put in the hands of those that do not wish to resolve the plot, but to _create it_…

That is when anything is allowed.

o.o.o.o.o

"Don't touch it."

That was one rule that was repeated all the time in Jade's house. For various objects, for various reasons, but it was always hanging over everyone's heads.

"Don't touch that."

Sometimes she just said it as an afterthought, though not everyone really understood it the first couple of times. Sometimes she said it sharply, smacking them on the nose with a newspaper, demeaning as it was. And, only twice, she had screamed it, snatching the item away the second Tobi had almost batted the first thing with his paw.

"Don't _ever_ touch this."

Did they know what it was? Not really. Hidan seemed to have something of an idea, but he wasn't exactly sharing. Of course, he claimed that the reason he knew was Jashin-sama, so nobody paid all that much attention to him anyway. All he even really said anyway was Jade had a very good reason for telling them not to touch the… whatever it was.

After a while, they simply stayed away from anything that they hadn't been given explicit permission to touch. They stayed away from entire _rooms_ sometimes. Quite frankly, Jade was very protective of what she had. More importantly, she seemed to think that having S-rank criminals in the house was like having a ticking time-bomb ready to go off at any moment to destroy everything she had, Deidara notwithstanding.

Some of the members were a little ashamed to admit that this wasn't too far off the mark.

The computer was one of the two things that she kept everyone away from, and the one that they at least somewhat recognized. It was more advanced than the ones they had, and Jade had quickly pushed Yahiko from the table as he'd attempted to press a button or three. The glare when anyone got near it after that was enough to keep them from trying again, if only to avoid irritation in general.

At some point, Jade had begun to use said computer in an attempt to actually communicate with the Akatsuki members. The grammar it spat out was terrible, but it generally worked well enough for them to at least be able to answer yes or no questions.

Then Hidan had tried to write back.

It was difficult, certainly. At first, he had just tried to write out what he was trying to say by weaving around on the floor, but that was slow and cumbersome. He had tried putting a crayon in his mouth and couldn't write something that was even vaguely recognizable as a letter. Jade was extremely reluctant to let him near her laptop, so they had settled for using the wireless keyboard and TV computer.

Hidan was, to everyone's surprise but his own, the fastest at learning the language. He couldn't speak fluently yet—it had, after all, been only a week since they'd been… reintroduced, for lack of a better term, to Jade—but he was surprisingly quick at learning. Itachi and, for some _odd_ reason, Tobi—his proficiency was attributed to the fourth wall mess by the ignorant, and to his Sharingan by the rest—were second to him in terms of fluency, but they were still worse off than he was, to a surprising degree.

She had typed in, "I have a classmate coming over tomorrow for a study date, so I'll be calling you by the names I gave you. If she does recognize you, I'm really not all that sure about what to do, other than call the Phoenix Corporation and ask their advice."

"**Watashi wa shiken-bi no tame ni ashita o kaishite okura reru kurasumēto o motte irunode, watashi wa anata o ataeta na de yobu yō ni narimasu. Kanojo wa anata o ninshiki shinai baai wa, watashi ga jissai ni Fenikkusu kabushikigaisha o yobidashite, sorera no jogen o motomeru igai ni, nani o subeki ka ni tsuite no subete no koto wa yokuwakaranai**." That is what the computer read out loud.

_Since I already have a__classmate__that is sent__through a__test__for the day__tomorrow__, I will __now__call on the__name__you__gave__. __If she__does not recognize you__, other than a__ctually calling the Phoenix Co., Ltd. I__, __seek the advice of those__, it's all about __I do not know what to do well_. That is what it meant to the Akatsuki.

Not particularly good.

The study date with the classmate came and went without incident. The day after, Saturday, was once again Jade's day to watch anime.

o.o.o.o.o

"Hey, that rhymed!" Agent Diamond clapped her hands together cheerily in her chair in front of the monitors. "Or, at least, there was assonance, right?"

Phoenix smiled down at her and rubbed the shorter girl's head. "Sure."

The short redhead glared up at her boss. "Don't patronize me. And take that descriptor out of that sentence. I'm _not_ short! I'm fun-size!"

"Sure you are."

"Stop treating me like a child, d***it!"

o.o.o.o.o

She had turned on the computer, settled in, and watched Bleach, then One Piece, and had then unceremoniously kicked the Akatsuki out of the room when she turned on Naruto.

Their pride may have chafed, but their curiosity had _stung_. They were pretty sure they knew why she hadn't been keen on letting them see. That part was relatively easy to understand. That didn't mean they had to like it, though.

Hidan kept making seemingly innocuous comments that made many members start wondering if he really _did_ know more than he'd been told. It was troubling, to several members, that getting kicked out like that wasn't the main excitement of the day.

The main excitement was that Jade had decided that Saturday would be _bath day_ for all the kittens. She had made sure, with each and every one of them, to drop them into the inches-deep water facing _away_ from her, ready to shield her eyes if necessary. Jade was perfectly aware of what kind of precautions she ought to take. The majority of the kitten fics she'd looked up involved water being the reversal technique, so she wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out that at least one of them had that particular 'cure.'

All in all, lovely readers, you should not be surprised that Jade had not been startled in the least when Kisame returned to being his normal 6' 4" self, as hurriedly as she may have clapped a hand over her eyes and backed out of the rather small bathroom. She had shut the door behind her, took a deep breath at the final confirmation that she had received of the Akatsuki's presence in the return of the Kiri nukenin, and rushed to get him a towel to wear until she could…

"I don't think any of my brother's clothes will fit you. You're a lot taller than he is."

Kisame had stared at her for a couple seconds, and then tilted his head ever so slightly to the side. "What?"

Jade had resisted the urge to facepalm. Right, Kisame was one of the Akatsuki members that weren't learning English quite as quickly.

"Google it is, then."

o.o.o.o.o

"That wasn't funny enough."

"Diamond, sweetie, please shut up."

"I'm serious. And I'm not gonna make any Sirius jokes, either. That's Jay's job, anyway. What I mean is that it needs more cowbell. Or, like, a llama."

Phoenix stared at the girl. "A llama."

"No, you're right. It needs a… a giraffe!"

Phoenix crossed her arms across her chest as Diamond continued to rant. She raised an eyebrow and smirked as the babble grew more and more outlandish.

"…and then I would jump out of the cake, still covered in the feathers and Butterbeer caps and blue glitter, and yell 'Argh! Me parrot's been a'walkin' through the nightclubs in the jungles of Myanmar!' and then a swarm of kaleidoscope parrots with cutlasses and Fr***in' Laser Beams coming _out of their eyes_…"

Phoenix surreptitiously pressed a button on the control panel, not once taking her eyes off of her tiny subordinate.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade had heard a bell ring in the middle of trying to figure out what to do with Kisame. When she'd gotten to the front door, she'd quickly come to realize that she really _couldn't_ hide anything from the Phoenix Corporation if they wanted to know.

_This might come in handy._

_You're welcome,_

_-The Phoenix Corporation_

She'd quickly brought the box inside and opened it, finding the answer to her most recent problem inside.

She'd chuckled mockingly to herself, and thrown the clothes Kisame, directing him back to the bathroom for the time being. A letter had popped into being in front of her.

"Is that a Howler? Why is she—?"

"_**HELLO, JADE. JUST THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT AFTER THE FIRST TRANSFORMATION, THE CLOTHES WILL GO WITH THEM. WE JUST MADE IT SO THAT THEY WERE NAKED THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE IT'S FUNNIER THAT WAY. CIAO."**_

The letter had torn itself up as Jade stared at it with the most deadpan expression she could possibly muster. Were they mocking her?

A tiny slip of paper had appeared in front of her, floating. It had only one word on it.

_Yes_.

Jade had glared at the paper as it burned to bits. But all in all, that was what had led her to what her situation now, which, of course, was:

"Check." Kisame said after moving his queen three spaces to the left.

Apparently, Kisame liked chess. Go figure.

Jade had spent the first couple minutes after the blue man finally got into his clothes, eschewing the heavy Akatsuki cloak, simply staring at Kisame with an unreadable look on her face. The man eventually started fidgeting because of her near unblinking look.

"Er… can stop?" Kisame sounded about as uncertain as a man in his thirties could, considering he was talking to a girl that was about half his age. Of course, the majority of this was because he knew next to no English, having only been learning said language for a week. A week that he had spent as a kitten. Really, the only reason that he had been able to say what he had at all was because of the language learning enhancements that had been put in place by Agent Opal.

Jade had raised an eyebrow, and then simply pointed to the kitten pen and walked off. Kisame had blinked, and muttered—in Japanese of course—something along the lines of, "Finally human again and I'm sent right back into the kitten pen."

With little else to do, he had gone over to the kitten pen as he'd been told—never mind that said order had come from a civilian teenager—and picked up one of the language books, and Itachi as well. He soon went over to Jade's couch and opened the book on his lap, opting to place Itachi on the armrest next to him and pet the little black kitten nice and steady as he tried to keep up with the language that he wasn't having the best of times with. Quite frankly, he was just very ill-equipped to deal with something like this compared to the others. It was all well and good for the doujutsu users, considering the powers behind the Sharingan and the Rinnegan; Konan had her paper jutsu, which, for reasons unknown, allowed her to internalize the information far more quickly than the others—Kisame had thought he'd heard something about constant paperwork—could normally; Sasori had been lauded as a genius even as a child, so it was no surprise that he was quick on the uptake. Kakuzu, Deidara, and Zetsu were all having trouble with it as well, but Kisame still felt that he'd gotten the short end of the stick in this particular situation.

Oh well. At least he got to keep Itachi as a kitten on his shoulder. Sure, cats ate fish, and thus wouldn't mind eating shark, but Itachi was just so cute like this! Really, they were all adorable now that he was normally sized again. So tiny and cute!

After Kisame had been 'studying' for about an hour, the cats all heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Jade came into the room, barely glanced at Kisame, and set about getting her dinner ready. When the kittens had slowly approached to remind her that they needed food as well, she had simply pointed at Kisame and said, "Make him do it."

After Kisame did his part of the work and shared in the human dinner that Jade had made, he'd found her bringing out the chess board and pieces.

He hadn't recognized them.

Jade had spent approximately six and a half minutes trying to pantomime the rules to him before the Phoenix Corporation apparently took pity on the girl, and dropped a Japanese book explaining the game into the room. And so, the games had begun.

o.o.o.o.o

When they finally finished playing and Jade cited an early morning practice session as her reason to go to bed early—for what, they didn't know—Kisame found himself being dragged over to the kitchen sink, and quickly realized that it was because the sink apparently had a sprayer thingy, as Hidan referred to it. Said 'sprayer thingy' was quickly employed to turn Kisame back into a kitten.

He was confused, but quickly realized, as did the others, that the reason he was being returned to this form was because…

"—she obviously doesn't want to deal with the consequences of having multiple people in her house as opposed to multiple kittens." Kakuzu spelt out the obvious for everyone who hadn't realized it yet. "People take more money to feed and more space to care for than cats. It's as simple as that. She doesn't want to make that much food, and she doesn't have enough space to give us all sleeping quarters as humans. Moreover, she has expressed concern over how much she would like to keep our existence here a secret, a secret which is more likely to _stay_ secret if we do not go about as our… _canonical_ selves."

There was a slight sneer in his voice, but the rest of Akatsuki ignored it.

"Understandable, yes, but undoubtedly irritating." Nagato said, resting with his head on his paws. Konan was laying perpendicular to him, her head on his back. Yahiko was a few inches away, lying on his back and pawing at the air.

Interesting man, that one.

A portal suddenly opened above them, and a boy with hair that pale blonde with the odd black stripe here or there dropped out of it. Fortunately, he didn't step on anyone when he landed. Unfortunately, he immediately picked up Tobi, squeezing him just enough to force out a squeal, and put them nose to nose.

"_You_." The word was said with great loathing, and the sardonic smile on the boy's face and the look in his gray eyes was slightly manic. "_You're_ the reason the boss has been so crazy for the past few days!"

Tobi just squeaked again, shaking. _What the h***?_

"Who broke the Fourth Wall again? There Was a Door, you know! I mean, seriously! I'm… Uh… Nightingale? Put the kitten down. I know Phoenix being irritated and anxious puts us all on edge, but this is a bit overboard. I… I have to admit that I haven't seen you like this very often. You're supposed to be one of the calm ones, laidback and s***. Why are you so…?" Agent Chimera, for that is who it was, trailed off as he stared at his fellow Agent.

"Chimera." Nightingale dropped Tobi, ignoring the five foot drop the kitten underwent, and turned to his friend. "You remember my realms of influence, correct?"

Chimera nodded, confused. "Of course. Darkness and Light and everything associated with them as your base. Death and dead souls as your spread. Why does this matter?"

Nightingale nodded with a close-eyed smile on his face, ignoring Jade as she walked into her kitchen to see what all the commotion was about. Frankly, he looked a bit like a certain 3rd division former shinigami taicho… but that's beside the point, isn't it?

"What are you doing in-?"

"Exactly." Nightingale answered Chimera, cutting Jade off. "The dead. And what happens when our lovely Lady Phoenix is confused about the live-or-dead status of a character that is important to a plot?"

Agent Chimera paled. "…Aw, h***."

Agent Nightingale nodded, and turned cheerily to Tobi. "And _you_ are the little [BLEEP] that released that info. So now…"

"You're not doing anything." Chimera caught his arm. "Besides, you should be angry at Kishi, not Tobi. Go back to HQ, get Goldstone or Opal to fix up your migraine, and… just don't kill him." He nudged Agent Nightingale to the still open portal. "Go on, get."

Nightingale glared at Tobi one last time before leaving through the portal. Agent Chimera turned back towards the kittens and smiled apologetically. "Sorry about that. He really is one of the more laidback members, but considering what happened in Chapter 597, I'm not surprised he flipped out."

"Ehem." A cough came from behind as Jade interrupted. "As interesting as hearing you speak Japanese to a bunch of criminals-turned-cats is, I would really like to know why you're in my house, and who the crazy boy was." She folded her arms across her chest, the very picture of severity and impatience.

"Ah, right." Agent Chimera scratched the back of his head. "Do you mind spoilers a couple months in advance? Like, late August? Chapter 597? No? Okay, good. Er, let's go to a different room. I can probably set up a nice _muffliato_ to keep them from hearing and they can't read our lips if they can't see us, so…"

Jade nodded, and turned to leave. "Follow me. Akatsuki? Stay."

Chimera couldn't quite hold back his snort of laughter at that.

o.o.o.o.o

"Kannabi Bridge." Jade rubbed her temples. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

Agent Chimera glanced up at the ceiling… or simply up at the last line. "That should have been underlined and capitalized."

Jade blinked in surprise. "What?"

Chimera shook his head. "Never mind. It was dialogue from a character without fourth wall 'powers' so I guess it's okay. Quite frankly, Kishimoto is…"

Jade nodded. "Trolling?"

"Exactly. I mean, we're really only a few months ahead of you, at least, right now, so you can agree with us on most of this. It's really just annoying to us because it gives us migraines when canon starts twisting around itself in ways that don't quite make sense."

"Like Sasuke surviving Deidara's blast?" Jade questioned.

"Erm… not quite. That's indirectly Shikamaru's fault. And the Sage of the Six Paths, I guess…" Chimera trailed off and glanced at the look on Jade's face. "In Phoenix's stories, not canon. Just… just track Gender Confusion, the other really weird story that she has up. It should explain. Eventually. If she gets that far."

Jade shook her head. "Right. I've got to get up early for practice tomorrow, so could you please leave?"

"Sure." Chimera stood up and dusted off his suit, trench coat, and even his fedora. He pulled out a pair of sunglasses to complete the look. "Oh, and by the way…"

He was halfway out the portal when he glanced back at the Phoenix Corporation's victim.

"Nice PJs."

o.o.o.o.o

PC Fun Fact: There are two today, since I didn't give you any before.

1. Agent Emerald and Agent Moonstone are fraternal twins. Meanwhile, Goldstone is Chimera's second cousin on his dad's side, while Opal is his first cousin on his mom's.

2. All the Agents have a colored portion of their hair. It's just more noticeable on some than on others.

**A/N: I'm leaving it there for today. I think you can see how I reacted to the Kannabi Bridge news. And I didn't even give out genuine spoilers! I just hinted at them to show part of what was going on. I'm excited about Tobi's news… but Naruto was just such an idiot about it that it took up half the chapter.**

**Do any of you read TvTropes?**

**Do any of you think I might eventually be good enough to get a rec on there? Not necessarily this story, mind you.**

**A tropes **_**page**_**?**

**Arrivederci,**

**Phoenix**


	9. Five at a Time, Colds, Chicken Bones

**A/N: Yes, I really am sick right now, at the beginning of the writing of this chapter. There's a cold going around my school, and I caught it. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my nose hurts, and I feel like I'm about to collapse.**

**Just so you know and I avoid causing confusion, I'm happy about the 599 revelations. Well… not so much happy as intrigued, but you get my drift. I'm not angry about it, and I'm a mite bit giddy at what I can do with this information and what'll come out soon, too. I'm neither enraged nor elated, but my minions are a different story…**

**PS – I really do adore clipboards. They're awesome.**

o.o.o.o.o

"He decided to take over the world _because he got friend-zoned!_" Chimera was laughing his head off. "Kill the Hypotenuse? Revenge Before Reason? Disproportionate Retribution? Why not use them all? Let's have a party! Holy _s***_, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a while."

"I'm fairly certain that the story behind his instance of Jumping Off the Slippery Slope is a bit more complicated than that." Agent Goldstone quipped. Then she smirked. "Of course, what I'm waiting for is news on Black Zetsu. I'd like to believe that he is the true villain, if only for the twist."

"Knowing Kishi…" Agent Chimera grinned. "We've already gone from Orochimaru, to Pain, to Tobi, to Tobi _and_ Kabuto, and now Orochimaru's alive again… I really want it to be Zetsu too, though."

"I just want to kill the jacka** that's messed up all my schematics." Moonstone growled. "Kamui is not a _toy_ for him to use on a whim. Time-space is fragile enough in the Ninja Dimension already; we're just lucky it goes to a blank dimension instead of one of the planes."

"And he's been messing with the dead-realms. The _dead-realms_." Nightingale hissed. He and Moonstone had been suffering the worst from the recent revelations. "That info has ruined so many things that I'll be playing catch-up on paperwork for weeks. The least we should be allowed to do is rough him up a little."

"I don't care." Phoenix said, folding her arms. "Obito or not, you're not going to go beat up Tobi. Not yet, anyway."

"But why?" Diamond whined, pouting.

"You," Phoenix pointed at her, "Are not allowed at Jade's place until things are completely stabilized in the Ninja Dimension with the Juubi fiasco, which is a job that belongs to you and Moonstone in conjunction with the three gods there. Finish up, and we'll talk about it."

"As for the rest of you," She gestured to Nightingale, Opal, Moonstone, Emerald, Silk, and Ruby one by one. "We're not doing anything, _anything_, until Kishimoto gives out some more info. Until Kishimoto explains what happened in full detail, we will withhold judgment."

A couple of glares were sent her way, but they all followed orders, not that they had much of a choice anyways. Phoenix dismissed them, and they all headed out.

"Nightingale, Chimera, and Goldstone. I'd like for you three to stay behind." Phoenix called as her agents filed out of what functioned as a meeting room, suitable to an Omniscient Council of Vagueness. I mean, not that that's what they _were_ or anything…

"What?" Nightingale was rather irritated, and so he snapped. Oh well, that's too bad for him. It's a pity, really. He's such a nice boy, normally.

"I'm thinking three more chapters to the next batch, and two more after that for the incident. It's subject to change, of course, but that's my plan for now. We're letting five of the Akatsuki cure up in this one, probably."

"Why tell us this?" Goldstone questioned, one eye flashing and the other twitching.

Phoenix shrugged. "It's half of what this story is about. An author changes their minds all the time. The way this story is set up allows for us to show the readers just how my mind works in deciding the course of the story. Plus, I kind of figured that you might want a heads up about bringing in the next batch."

Chimera shrugged. "You're not getting any complaints from me. I like playing around with people's bodily compositions."

"You sound like Orochimaru. Feeling a little perverted yet?" Nightingale teased, smirk on his face.

Chimera turned green. No, really, like the Hulk or something. "Urgh, that's disgusting, dude."

Phoenix giggled, the sound having a surprisingly malicious and frightening air in the dark room. "And that's why we'll never introduce Orochimaru to either Kurotsuchi Mayuri or Szayel Aporro Granz. Alright, just be ready."

"Yes, ma'am." They fired off sarcastic salutes, and filed out.

Phoenix sneezed.

_I hate being sick_.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade glanced outside the window on Tuesday afternoon. "That's a pretty powerful storm."

Hidan hopped over to the keyboard.

'Phoenix is sick.'

Jade blinked, and then looked outside again. "Well, I guess that explains some things. I hope it doesn't cause a flash flood. Though if she's sick, it'll probably last a few more days anyway, and I might not have school even _if_ there's no flooding. Maybe it'll even snow."

She took her bag off her shoulder and set it on the ground, pulling out a textbook and some loose-leaf paper. Pulling up YouTube on the computer TV, she began on the first song on her playlist…

And blinked in surprise as two kittens spontaneously became human in a puff of smoke during the sixth song. She quickly spun away before the smoke disappeared, saying quite loudly, "Bathroom, towels, now."

There was no question of who had been changed, not with this song, and not with the flashes of color she'd caught at head level.

She heard footsteps as they followed her instructions—probably more out of a sense of decency than any respect for her—and went to get the boxes of clothes that she knew would be on the front step.

"I've got clothes." She called out as she pulled the two boxes in, turning. She looked at Nagato and Yahiko, standing there with just towels around their waists. Yahiko was biting his lip and trying not to laugh, while Nagato looked irritated.

"Here." Jade handed them the boxes, and walked back to her computer, humming along to the song softly with an amused smirk on her face.

"_Pain, without love,  
Pain, I can't get enough,  
Pain, I like it rough,  
'Cause I'd rather feel Pain than nothing at a~a~all."_

o.o.o.o.o

Jade ignored them for the most part, working on some integrals—nasty things, those. They'll eat your nose off, if you aren't careful—as they sat on her couch, playing with Konan.

At first, Yahiko had tossed her up and down a bit and pretended to make her fly. Nagato had then taken her, scolded Yahiko, sat down on the couch, and pet her as she lay in his lap. Yahiko smirked at the two, especially once Konan began to purr only a few seconds in. Around five in the afternoon, he sat on the floor with the other kittens, playing around with them one by one. He seemed to find particular enjoyment in playing with Tobi and Deidara, and eventually began brushing Deidara, claiming that the long fur was getting tangled, which it unfortunately was, as Jade was none too diligent about brushing the cats after Kisame had switched back, delegating the duty to him without his understanding.

Jade found it easy to ignore the two since she didn't understand a word of what they were saying, since it was all in Japanese.

"Ne, Nagato, come down here." Yahiko patted the ground next to him. "It's relaxing."

Nagato rolled his eyes. "Excuse me for sitting on a couch like an adult as opposed to on the floor like a child or _remarkably_ lazy teenager."

"Konan…" Yahiko said in a sing-song manner. "Please, can you get Nagato down here with me?"

Nagato glanced down into his lap to see Konan giving him a kitten's version of the puppy-dog eyes.

"…Fine." He muttered, sitting down on the floor. Konan made a small sound that he equated to laughter.

Yahiko smirked at them, plan forming in his head. He inched over…

"Whatever it is that you're planning, the answer is no." Nagato quickly and emotionlessly denied his best friend's plans.

Yahiko stared for a few seconds, and then quickly stole Konan, pushed Nagato onto his back so that he was lying flat on the floor, and put Konan on his chest. The whole process took less than half a second.

Jade was looking at them now, waiting for whatever was going on to either finish up or show enough signs of continuing that she'd personally have to ask them to quiet down so that she could work.

She kind of wanted a camera on hand right now though. The scene she was looking at was quite cute, though it was a pity that she couldn't understand what they were saying.

"Yahiko…" Nagato groaned in defeat. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you two currently look absolutely adorable." Yahiko answered promptly. "I want a picture of this."

Nagato rolled his eyes, but all he did was cross his legs and start petting Konan, who seemed to find the entire situation quite amusing.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up." Nagato groused, smile still on his face.

*_FLASH*_

A camera was being held in the hands of girl that was sitting on the back of Jade's couch, the look on her face innocently blank.

"Another Agent, I presume." Jade said quietly. "What are you?"

"What?" The girl questioned, tilting her head to the side. Her hair was dark brown and in a rather sleek cut somewhat similar to that of Tendo Nabiki. There was a deep blue stripe on the middle of the right side. A choker with a dark blue gem adorned her neck. "Do you not mean who?"

Jade raised an eyebrow. "I meant to ask what element or similar 'base,' as they so eloquently put it, you embodied."

The girl smiled. "I am Agent Sapphire, and my base is water. I won't tell you my spread."

"I suppose that's the best I'll get." Jade gestured to the camera. "Should I make any assumptions as to the purpose of your presence, or will you tell me yourself?"

Sapphire dipped her head slightly. "You, Yahiko, and Phoenix all expressed interest in acquiring photos of the current scenario. I was sent to take the picture, as opposed to one of my currently rather homicidal coworkers."

Jade blinked. "Homicidal?"

"Approximately half the agents are currently feeling homicidal urges in concerns to Tobi. Chapter 599 confirmed the final third of the ToMaTo theory." Sapphire explained.

Jade took a few seconds to figure it out, but then smirked humorlessly. "So it really was him. Wonder how he survived the rocks."

"Yes… Well, I should be getting back promptly." Sapphire pulled out a small device and pressed several buttons, forming a portal that, if you looked closely enough, had a far-away door that had the words 'Fourth Wall Door' written on it in large gold font.

Sapphire glanced back before she headed out, and looked straight at Tobi, saying a rather simple phrase in Japanese:

"_Either tell them nothing, or burn._"

o.o.o.o.o

Back at the base, Phoenix stared at her subordinate in mild disapproval. "That was a little harsh and melodramatic. It could also be rather easily misinterpreted."

"It was dramatic." Sapphire countered. "And sure to amuse the readers."

Phoenix nodded. "True. And I suppose that I am the one that wrote it…"

"That, my lovely boss, is why we all find it rather annoying when you disapprove of our actions." Goldstone pointed out from the corner, tapping a pencil on her clipboard.

Clipboards are awesome. They are even more awesome than potato chips and Ominous Latin Chanting. Do not question the coolness factor of a clipboard.

"But you do weird stuff in my head without permission, so I have to disapprove of it sometimes." Phoenix pouted, pretending to be put out.

"At least we don't have s-"

"Shut up." Phoenix's face was stony. "You don't do it now, and you shan't in the future. Don't even try to put that thought into my head again. I can't imagine you doing anything of the sort, and I do not wish to. Cease your rambling."

Goldstone stared at her with half-lidded eyes, and then let loose a small bark of laughter. "You've gone into _that_ mode again, Phoenix-sama. You're going to start using Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness soon if you're not careful. You do it plenty enough times in the reviews that you write."

"Hush." Phoenix admonished, and then turned back to the screens. "The most amusing of circumstances shall soon arise."

Goldstone rolled her eyes at the malicious smirk that crossed her boss's face. "Yes, yes. Let's watch."

Sapphire simply sat in the corner with a bar of white chocolate, enjoying the show with the smallest of smiles on her face, near emotionless.

o.o.o.o.o

Five-thirty rolled around, and Nagato was still lying on the floor with Konan on his chest. This proved to be rather problematic several seconds into the 23rd song on Jade's playlist.

Which promptly caused Konan to return to human form.

Naked.

On top of Nagato.

More or less straddling him.

…

Well…

Awkward…

Jade stared for a few seconds, and silence reigned throughout the house. Nagato and Konan's faces steadily turned redder as they stared at each other. Nagato studiously kept his eyes trained on Konan's face and not going any lower to the rather large mounds pressing into his chest.

The silence was broken as Yahiko began to laugh, which soon turned to loud guffaws, most of the kittens following along with small snickers of their own. Jade simply bit her lip to keep from laughing herself. Konan finally gathered her wits about her enough to leave with a puff of smoke as the only remainder, and Nagato…

Still wasn't moving.

"I'll… go help Konan." Jade stood and walked out, going straight to the front door and getting the box that she knew would be there. There was a note on top.

_Sorry. We couldn't resist._

_-PC*_

Jade rolled her eyes and picked up the box. When she got upstairs, she found Konan wrapped in a towel in the middle of her room, face still flushed in embarrassment.

"Was that shunshin?" Jade asked, hoping to distract Konan from the current situation.

"Ano… yes." Konan nodded, flush receding slightly.

Jade knelt down to open the box, but blinked in surprise as it flew open. She glanced up at Konan, who simply shrugged slightly, hand still lifted up.

"Right. Paper angel, cardboard is paper based, etc." Jade muttered wryly, smirking slightly. She shrugged and stood back up with the box, holding it out to the blue-haired woman. "You can get this yourself."

Konan took the box, still not understanding the song that played out behind her when Jade walked away.

"_I'm so lonely,  
Broken Angel;  
I'm so lonely,  
Listen to my heart._"

Jade tilted her head slightly as she walked away. "Rather sad, but… quite fitting, really."

o.o.o.o.o

When Konan came back down and sat next to Nagato, she immediately set to pointedly ignoring Yahiko's looks and sniggers, and pointedly not looking Nagato in the eye.

"Please keep quiet from now on. As deliciously awkward as the situation is, please don't start teasing each other again."

After a couple of seconds, Jade sighed and brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "How many of you actually understood everything I said?"

Hidan meowed. No one else did.

"That's… okay, let me put it this way. I find this funny. The thing with Konan and Nagato just now? Very funny. As much as I'd enjoy hearing you make fun of each other, I need to work."

Hidan made a few muffled sounds and a few others put in a few comments as well. Nagato whispered some things to Yahiko and Konan, knowing the language best out of the three; he did shoot Jade a dirty look in the middle, but as there was no chakra or killing intent behind it, she wasn't particularly affected by it.

Yahiko kept snickering.

Jade pointed to the sink. "You want me to turn you into a kitten again?"

He stopped laughing, but the smirk stayed on his face.

"Good."

o.o.o.o.o

Three hours later, two more switched back.

Jade, understandably, was quick to cover her eyes again. That was really a bit of a problem, because it caused some blood to drip into her left eye.

"S***!" She cursed. "Of all the things, of all the times, of all—"

Hidan and Zetsu simply left the room to get towels the same way Nagato and Yahiko had. Hidan popped his head back into the room, smirk on his face.

"Oh, Jade?"

She looked over at him, eyes ready to snap shut should something dislikable show itself.

"Your blood is _good_."

She flipped him off with the very finger that had seconds earlier wept the blood that let him change back upon consumption.

He laughed.

o.o.o.o.o

Phoenix giggled. "Oh my, guess what that means!"

Goldstone rolled her eyes. "Deidara is next. But not in this chapter."

Phoenix nodded with a grin on her face. "Exactly. And he's got one of the weirdest cures possible!"

Chimera glanced up from the screens in front of him. "Are we plastic bagging him?"

Making a face, Phoenix answered in a tone of voice that indicated _just_ what she thought of her subordinate's intellect at this time. "Of course. I mean, _ew!_ Doing it without would just be…"

"Gross?" Chimera offered.

"Exactly."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade grit her teeth as she put antibacterial ointment on the cut on her finger. She really should have been more careful as she'd cut the stupid cabbage, but she hadn't, and look where that got her.

"Can have some more?"

Jade turned to look at Hidan, standing shirtless against the doorframe, Zetsu behind him in his Akatsuki cloak.

Zetsu quickly went over to the kittens, sat on the floor, picked up Tobi, and placed the odd kitten into his lap. Then he started petting, and Tobi started purring.

Jade gave Hidan an unimpressed look. "No. You got enough of a taste of blood to fix yourself—"

Fix himself? Self-castration? Neutering?

"Neutering?" He asked, smirk on his face.

Jade stared at him and then thought on what she'd said and made a small groan of aggravation. "Yes, Hidan, I'm going to take you all to the vet to get you fixed."

She sighed and sort of laughed. "The sad part is that I actually wondered about whether I'd need to get that done before I remembered that I'd been planning on selling you guys to breeders."

Hidan snorted at that.

"Anyways, no blood for you. And, put on a shirt."

Hidan glared at her. "No."

"Hidan. Put. On. A. Shirt."

"I want not to."

Jade winced at the poor grammar. _Well, at least it's better than what Kisame could say._

"Hidan. Shatsuwokiru. Imasugu. Sō shinai baai, ore wa bappon-tekina taisaku o toru koto o yoginaku sa remasu." Nagato called, looking straight at him.

Hidan tried to take him in a small staring contest, but eventually left to put a shirt on, cursing fluently all the way. We really do mean fluently, you see. He could curse much better than he could speak normal English.

Jade blinked in surprise. "Okay, first of all: thank you, Nagato. Second of all: where the h*** did he learn all of that? I know I didn't teach him."

"Jashin-sama and Agent Diamond." Hidan was already back, wearing a standard black shinobi shirt with a little too much mesh and a little too little cloth. Jade jumped a little in shock, and then closed her eyes in annoyance and raised a hand as if to forestall any arguments.

"Third of all: you shinobi are all too fast. I'm going to sleep. You guys get to spend the rest of the night as humans if you want, but you don't get to eat any of my food, and you better be kittens again by the time I get up to go to school." Jade walked off, muttering slightly under her breath in annoyance. Seriously, who moved that quickly?

Nagato raised an eyebrow at Hidan and asked the question on everyone's minds after his last comment.

"How long have you been in contact with those two, then?"

Hidan grinned. "Years. Let's just say that I know a s***-ton more about how our f***ing dimension works than any of you do, and I have for a really f***ing long time."

Nagato blinked. Oh. Well…

"That would have been nice to know before." Konan said, frowning slightly.

"Would you have believed a f***ing word I said?" Hidan asked.

No. No they would not have.

"Why Diamond?" Yahiko asked, lounging back on the sofa with his feet on an ottoman.

Hidan smirked. "That's 'cause she's drinking buddies with Jashin-sama."

Ghostly laughter echoed through the room, showing them just what the corporation thought of them and their stunned silence.

o.o.o.o.o

The next morning, Jade was staring outside the window at her neighbor's yard, listening to the TV as it told her that the schools in her district had the day off because of the unprecedented snow. Across the street, a tree in her neighbor's yard had been cleaved right in half by the weight of the cold white fluff.

"Let me guess, empathic environment for some random event in the authoress' life again?" Jade asked, assuming that one of the agents of the Phoenix Corporation would show up and tell her what was going on.

"Precisely."

Jade turned around to see a boy, possibly a man, who was standing several feet behind her in a semi-respectful position. His hair was brown and bushy, pulled down into a low ponytail, and had a grey stripe running through it on the left side. His face was blank of emotion, and he had a pair of black glasses that seemed to hide his eyes in what we may call traditional manga style, and TvTropes would call Scary Shiny Glasses and Stoic Spectacles.

He held out a hand. "I am Agent Quartz of the Phoenix Corporation. My base is air and all gasses incorporated into it. I am quite pleased to meet you."

Jade raised an eyebrow, but shook his hand anyways. "I'll just assume that you already know who I am and that you're not one of the homicidal ones that I was warned about."

"That would be accurate." Quartz nodded.

"So what broke my neighbor's tree?" Jade asked, gesturing out the window. "And thus, the snow as well, of course."

"Lady Phoenix gagged and nearly choked on a rather small chicken bone during lunch." Quartz answered, not changing expression in the slightest.

Jade stared at him for a few seconds, and then threw her head back and laughed. Several of the kittens joined in.

o.o.o.o.o

"Well, I don't think it's funny." Phoenix huffed and leaned back in her chair.

"Give it up, boss." Chimera rolled his eyes. "You think it's hilarious."

"Well, _yeah_." Phoenix complained, "But it's painful! It hurt when it happened, and now the scratches are making my throat feel even worse than before! It already hurt enough 'cause of the stupid cold!"

"Hypocrite."

"Need I remind you of the ostriches on the train?"

"Oh, come on! That was _so_ not my fault!"

o.o.o.o.o

"Are you serious?" Jade asked, actually wiping tears from her eyes. "The chick that's been messing with our lives actually did that?"

Quartz reached up and adjusted his glasses. "Be glad, at the least, that it was not a pretzel."

The kittens had no idea what was going on at this point. Jade took a few seconds to get it, and then snickered for about half a second.

"You know, I didn't take you as the type to make jokes."

"You did not take me at all." Quartz replied. His facial expression still hadn't changed. His tone had changed a little, but it wasn't much at all.

"You're making me think of Ulquiorra." Jade mentioned flippantly, walking around the island in her kitchen to get to the popcorn so that she could spend this surprising off-day relaxing.

"You are not the first to inform me of that fact. As it is, I am afraid that I must be going. We intend to post the chapter earlier than normal this week, as the progress of the chapter would be… augmented if we were to wait for the posting of chapter 600. Good day, and good bye."

He seemed to simply vanish, siphoned into a portal that had appeared. Jade stared for a few seconds before walking off, shaking her head with a sardonic and rather amused smile on her face.

"I'm going to go completely crazy soon, aren't I?"

o.o.o.o.o

PC: Before their ascension to become Agents, the smartest member was, surprisingly, Diamond. These days, she's still one of the smartest members, but she prefers acting like a ditz because it's fun.

**A/N: Read it and weep. Or, preferably, review instead of weep. As with all my stories, the fiftieth reviewer will get the omake of their choice, within reason of course.**

**And the chicken bone thing really did happen. It hurt. A lot.**

**The Japanese that Nagato says translates to:  
"Hidan. Put on a shirt. Now. If you do not, I will be forced to take drastic measures."**

**The songs are:**

**Pain****, by Three Days Grace (I chose this because **_**I find it kind of funny**_**)**

**And**

**Broken Angel****, by ARASH, Feat. Helena (I chose this because **_**I find it kind of sad**_**)**

**I'd suggest looking up the Broken Angel AMV by **_**loosecontroi**_**. It's quite good.**

**Ja ne!**


	10. The Oven and the Shot

**A/N: Am I really one of the only people that isn't all that angry or happy about the recent manga chapters? I mean, I'm just excited to see what I can do with the info, but that happens with EVERY chapter…**

**o.o.o.o.o**

"_You sold your soul to IB when you turned your Extended Essay in."_

_-Er… someone. I think it's from my IB Director. She's also an Assistant Principal, though._

o.o.o.o.o

"Stay down!" Jade hissed, pushing Sasori and Deidara down into her backpack.

You may be wondering what is going on. You are wondering about something very pertinent and…

Okay, you know what? My minions did this. This is a parody of Akatsuki Kitten Fics, and that means that bringing at least one of the kittens to school at least once is necessary. This is Anvilicious without even being an anvil. We made them do this. They had no choice.

"Those little b******s…" Jade muttered, putting her hand over the opening in her backpack.

I'm not really sure if she's angry at us, the kittens, or people she's actually in school with, but she's obviously not happy.

Wait. Fourth Wall.

Oh right… I'm not supposed to be talking.

"Oh, h***…" Jade groaned as a teacher approached her. "Yes, sir?"

"Are those kittens in your bag?" He asked.

Jade winced. "Maybe?"

"Ms. Juarez, I'm sure that you are aware of the school regulations concerning…" He kept on talking, while Jade started panicking.

_Well, if Phoenix's head works the way I expect it to…_ She mustered up a little courage and hoped for the best as she waved a hand in front of the teacher's face. "These are not the droids you are looking for."

She really shouldn't have been so surprised that it worked.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade sat back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling. "I blame you for this."

Words scrawled across the ceiling in burning red. Each time this had happened, the words had disappeared as soon as Jade was done reading them. She'd had several such 'conversations' by now.

_You have every right to._

"Kids at school kept asking to see the rest of them. I don't want to get the Akatsuki involved in _anything_ outside my house."

_You shouldn't._

"You're going to keep on doing it anyways, aren't you?"

_Most definitely, my dear._

"I hate you right now."

_Oh… Hate is such a strong word. Perhaps… resent?_

"F*** you, Phoenix."

_Sorry, I know you'd love too, but I'd rather not_.

Jade groaned.

o.o.o.o.o

"What else can we put in…?" Phoenix mused. "Any ideas?"

"Shouldn't we just let them start changing back a bit more and toss in the next batch?" Moonstone asked. "I mean, there's really no driving plot unless we do."

Phoenix sighed. "You're right. I can't really think of anything else to put in unless I do that. We're not planning romances; pulling off one of those ridiculous Walmart visits would annoy _me_, oh, and probably the readers too; the 'crazy' humor that's in most fics is something we want to avoid; parties are a big no-no…"

She rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, I guess we'll bring back Deidara, then."

She pressed a button. Well, really, she pointed at the button and thought about pressing it down so it _would_ go down, since she can't actually touch anything as this is technically her/my mindscape and I'm just a virtual existence, and…

I'll just stop talking now. This seems to be a recurring theme this chapter.

o.o.o.o.o

"For the love of Jashin, shut up!" Hidan yelled slamming his hands down on the table where he was writing… something… and glared at Deidara, who was yowling because Tobi had pushed him off of the stairs.

Hidan was getting rather irritated. Thus, when the idea was planted in to his head—whether this was the fault of Jashin, Agent Diamond, or the Phoenix Corporation in total is still up for debate—he just went along with it.

What did he do, you ask?

Well, it's simple.

He tossed Deidara into the oven and closed the door.

…

Yeah…

Now, now, calm down. The oven was electric, so no worries of gassing the poor blond. It hadn't been turned on in several days, so Deidara didn't get burned. Then again, being thrown into a stove would be embarrassing for anyone.

The door to the oven opened a second later, making the way for Deidara to come tumbling out, human. He was cursing loudly, for four reasons.

One, he was still angry at Tobi.

Two, he had just been shoved into an oven.

Three, he had just come tumbling _out_ of said oven, and…

Four, he was in a big plastic bag, and quickly running out of air.

Hidan stared for a couple seconds, and then quickly grabbed a knife and sliced through the plastic.

"The h***?" Hidan turned around to see Jade standing in the doorway. She seemed rather… jaded.

o.o.o.o.o

"That was pathetic." Chimera noted. "A Worldwide Punomenon? As if."

"No duh." Phoenix commented. "Who do you think just wrote your lines?"

"YOU." Chimera stared right at her. "Why do you think none of us ever bother asking Who Writes This C***?"

"That was a fail."

"Oh, for the love of…" Agent Chimera glared at his boss. "No. Just… just no. You are going to stop talking and get back to writing the actual story. Throw _that_ scene in if you need something to work on. Stop being a moron and _work_."

Phoenix stared at him in surprise. "But… I'm _your_ boss. _I'm_ supposed to give _you_ orders, not the other way around."

"_Work_."

"Alright, geez…"

o.o.o.o.o

Jade held a hand up to her face. She wasn't quite palming her face, but she was rubbing it in irritation.

"Okay, first of all, what was the 'cure' this time?" Though she wasn't looking at him, it was obvious that she was asking Hidan. Of course she wasn't really looking at anything since Deidara was naked on her kitchen floor, but that's beside the point.

"Oven." Hidan pointed at the open oven.

"The… oven." Jade looked at him as you would at a crazy person. "You put him in the oven." She took a deep breath to steady herself. "_Why_, exactly, did you put him in the _oven_, of all places?"

"Fourth wall voices." He pointed at the ceiling.

Jade groaned. "That really shouldn't be a valid response, and yet I have to accept it. I don't even understand why it's this, but I'll leave it for now. Now, second, why is he in a bag?"

Do you _want_ a naked guy where you put your food? Think of what could have been touching the places where you usually bake!

Hidan glanced at the ceiling, and then back down at Jade. "They think you would not like a naked man in your oven."

Yes, his English _has_ been getting better, thank you.

o.o.o.o.o

"Why would _you_ thank them? And you're really abusing the italics, and the ellipses too."

"I know. Shut up. I'm having a panic attack."

"…Why?"

"I blame IB World Authors. Stupid Socratic Seminar tickets."

"Alliteration. Well, technically susurrus." Chimera pointed out, smirking.

"Shut up!"

o.o.o.o.o

Jade stared at him for a few seconds, a disgusted look slowly creeping across her face. She took a small breath, and…

"Oh, ew, ew, _ew, ew, ew!_" She squealed. Well, that's a side of her that we haven't really seen. "Please tell me you didn't get him out of the bag until after he'd come out of the oven!"

That sounds almost like coming out of the closet.

"Of course not. He just fall out." Hidan waved away her worries with somewhat stilted English, though it's still better than anyone elses.

"Just… just go get a towel, Deidara." Jade covered her eyes again and waited until Deidara was gone. She looked at Hidan. "Why wasn't he talking at all?"

Hidan shrugged. "It looks like the cursing irritated Phoenix so she made him quiet."

"And yours doesn't?"

"I am me. Deidara is not."

o.o.o.o.o

Two nights later, Thursday evening:

Jade woke up with a start as something clattered down on the ground floor, followed by hushed cursing, and after a minute to get her bearings, realized several things.

Fact one: She'd turned them all back to kittens last night.

Fact two: She didn't recognize the voice.

Fact three: The voice had an American accent.

Corollary one: It wasn't one of the kittens.

Corollary two: It wasn't her brother come home from college for a surprise visit.

Conclusion: Whoever it was, they weren't supposed to be here.

She reached under her bed and got something that she kept there for emergencies like this.

She crept out, hissing in a breath extremely quietly as she felt something brush against her ankles. She glanced down to see a very ghostly light patch with two glowing pink circles. It must be Hidan, then. She glanced further back to see more coming after her, and assured herself that none of them, as ninjas, would make a noise. She continued out into the hall, weapon pointing at the ground and held in both hands.

She reached the landing and looked over the edge of the railing. She raised her weapon and yelled.

"FREEZE!"

The robber, by all accounts, did _not_ freeze, and instead turned around and shot at her. She dropped to the ground, knowing that at this point the floor was enough to keep her safe.

"Gah! F***!" The robber yelled, and given the yowling, it seemed that one of the cats had gotten to him.

She looked over the edge again, noting quickly that Hidan was the one that had attacked. She understood the reasoning: if she hit Hidan instead of the robber by accident, she wouldn't have to deal with a dead or dying kitten.

And so she shot her own gun.

Now, if you've been paying close attention, Jade's Gun Nut tendencies have been hinted at several times. She also knows several things, like this:

If you have to shoot at a person, shoot for the torso, the largest mass. Don't go for the shoulder, because you'll probably miss anyway. Shoot using both hands, and don't shoot gangster style.

Even with her relatively good aim—really, those early-morning practices were for something, you know—she hit the man's collarbone. The man made a noise of pain and reached up to touch the wound, dropping his own gun and ignoring Hidan on the floor again. Jade fairly flew down the stairs, and Pistol-Whipped him on the back of the neck with her pistol's barrel.

Keep this in mind, dear readers: using the barrel of a gun is just as possible as using the butt of the gun when it comes to pistol-whipping. Those little metal cylinders are designed to hold explosions; they can handle a little sudden outside pressure.

The man dropped unconscious to the ground. Jade ripped her sweatshirt off—what? May in Colorado can get cold enough for it to snow—and put it on the man's bullet wound.

"Kisame, Kakuzu. You two are heaviest, so sit on the shirt to put pressure on the wound while I call 911."

They did, and she called. She explained the situation succinctly, requesting both paramedics and police.

o.o.o.o.o

"Alright, miss. We'll call you about the court date soon in case you need to act as witness. " The policeman finally left, and she was given the all-clear from the others to clean up the mess that had been made.

Jade sat down on the bottom step and groaned. Yeah, she'd probably be able to get out of going to school tomorrow, today at this point, but…

"Nasty, huh?"

Jade turned around to see a young woman with honey-blond hair standing on the landing. The girl was dressed in various shades of red, orange, and yellow. The jacket alone enveloped it all, as it was one of those shimmery kinds that changed color depending on what angle it was at.

The girl came down and sat on the step beside Jade. She held out a hand. "I'm Ruby. I'm also Dragon, but we'll just use the jewel codes for now. I'm basically just fire and heat. Got some plasma control too, but I'm not getting more specific than that."

Jade sighed and held a hand out to Ruby. "I'm Jade Juarez. Should I assume that this mess was all Phoenix's fault?"

Ruby grinned. "You could. First, though…" She waved a wand, and then suddenly the blood splatters were gone, and the holes were missing.

"There. Isn't that much nicer?"

Jade looked at her. "You… never mind. I'm too tired to care right now."

"Come on. Tell me." Ruby poked Jade, smirk on her face.

"Fine. With every word that comes out of your mouth, I feel like I'm being mocked by someone that can't be bothered to think of me as more than a footnote in an encyclopedia for louses."

"Well, that's specific. Anyway, I'm just here to tell you that you won't have to worry about the court case. We're going to take care of that. You just worry about your exams."

She stood up, and a fiery portal opened from something in her watch. "See ya."

Jade sighed and dropped her head back into her hands. "I'm… going to bed. Someone clean up Hidan; I'm too tired to do jacks*** right now."

She went back upstairs and collapsed into bed as the sun peeked over the horizon.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Short? Yes. Early? Absolutely.**

**Yay! One mystery has been solved!**

**Does anyone think that I've become more of a ****Butt Monkey**** than any of the other characters?**

**Do you guys want omake about what the PC Agents do when they're not in on this little project? Review and tell me!**

**Also: one of my reviewers suggested that, since I like TvTropes so much, I should just ask you guys if you could rec me or make a page for this. So… would you? Please? It's my birthday in, like, three weeks.**

**Oh, and someone requested breed designations, so here:**

Tiffany – Itachi

Burmilla – Deidara (just with longer hair)

Turkish Angora – Konan,

Ocicat – Kisame

Abyssinian– Sasori

Turkish Van– Nagato

American Shorthair – Zetsu, Hidan

European Shorthair –Yahiko (red tabby)

British Spotted Shorthair – Tobi

Norwegian Forest Cat – Kakuzu

**Of course, this is ignoring color, and in some cases pattern. But you get shape, and coat type, so that should be cool for you.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix.**


	11. Why Sasori isn't Stoic Anymore

**A/N: When I first wrote this chapter, I did not expect myself to turn Sasori into such a jerk. Then again, he's kind of a jerk in canon, so I suppose it isn't so bad…**

o.o.o.o.o

"What the _h***_ are you so happy about?" Chimera stared at his boss, who had a rare giddy smile on her face.

Happiness was not rare. Complacency was not rare. Giddiness… was a different matter.

"Okay, so you know how I've said a couple times that there's really only a few good Akatsuki-kitten fics out there?" Phoenix questioned him, leaning in close.

"Yes. Now, please stop smiling like that. It's really creepy." Chimera walked a few paces away.

"That's because I'm trying to be. No, the point is, do you remember which two always come to mind?" Phoenix followed him around the table.

"Yes. Consider Yourselves Kitties, by DaniZaraki, which is probably the longest kitten fic in any fandom, even if the kitten effect wore off fairly quickly, and An Angel, A Devil, and the Akatsuki, by blackcatgirl, which is one of the oddest but best written." Chimera answered promptly. The Agents were supposed to know Phoenix's opinions on most things.

"Exactly. And there's good news from both!" Phoenix whirled around the room a little. "DaniZaraki just finished her trilogy, which is—"

"If you say 'an inspiration to us all,' I'm going to take three chapters off." Chimera cut in, arms crossed.

"I wasn't going to, but sure." Phoenix waved her hand dismissively. "The major point is, I was bored and decided to see what would happen if I searched for my story title on Google. Turns out, it's on blackcatgirl's Favorites List!"

"Okay, I have to admit that I don't see where you're going with this. You usually don't care about favorites or alerts on your stories, just reviews." Chimera pointed out.

"Bah! That's not the point here! She's a _really_ good writer, especially so since we're talking about kitten-fics here. Moreover, she's one of those people that has a really short favorites list, which means that she's picky and has high standards." Phoenix explained, apparently thinking that what she was saying would explain everything.

"So, it means your story is good? It's an ego thing?" Chimera guessed.

"Eh, it sort of is, but not completely. A large part of it is that I'm getting exposure, in a really indirect manner. She is the best kitten-fic writer I've come across so far, so this is good for me. Very good."

"You're just taking up space at this point." Agent Chimera seemed to be the voice of reason right then.

"…Huh?" Phoenix did not.

"People have been complaining about too many Corporation scenes."

"Oh yeah, that. We've got a new rule, by the way." Phoenix said offhand.

Chimera blinked. "If this is like the thing with the dead bunnies…"

"No! No. No…" Phoenix trailed off, and then shook her head to return to her senses. "Anyway, from now on, the word count of scenes involving Jade and the Akatsuki need to exceed the word count of scenes that are solely oriented around the Phoenix Corporation."

"Well, at least that makes more sense than the bunny thing." Chimera mumbled.

"My inspiration came back too." She giggled. This was not a good thing. "It apparently took a vacation for a couple of weeks, but it came back a few days ago, and I remembered a few scenes that I completely forgot about last time I was writing."

"Great. Now, if we could move on?"

"But of course!"

o.o.o.o.o

"I hate you all."

What a wonderful way to start a scene that is.

Jade was staring around at the kittens and humans in her living room, arms crossed and frown on her face.

It was seven in the morning. It was the day after the burglar incident. It was _too d*** early_ for Jade to be awake.

"What possessed you to wake me up? I'm not a ninja, so last night was really d*** stressful for me. I want to sleep and try to forget that it ever even happened. So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, _shut the h*** up_." She spun on her heel and stalked her way back up the stairs. She had been too angry to even pay attention to Tobi and Sasori, who were both human again.

There was silence for a few seconds, and then four voices, all currently human, said the same thing.

"It's all Tobi's fault."

Tobi, now tied up and gagged on the ground by his compatriots, let out a muffled protest that went ignored by everyone except Zetsu, who just swatted his mask.

Nagato palmed his face and then pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation.

Yahiko just laughed.

o.o.o.o.o

You may be a little confused. That would be a very good thing, because if you weren't, you'd probably be psychic, which is a bad thing. At least, We think it is. Yes, We is supposed to be capitalized. No, you may not know why.

It all started when Agent Emerald dropped by for a visit, albeit a relatively short one, at around six in the morning. His first act was to douse them all in hot water, allowing those that had thus far regained their human forms to do so again. They were already all awake, not having fallen asleep after the burglar incident as Jade had.

He'd smiled at them all for a few seconds, and then walked up to Konan, took her hand, bowed and kissed it. Paired with his semi-formal outfit, especially the vest and hanging gold chain, he looked quite the turn-of-the-century gentleman; he may have possibly been a Victorian era chap as well. "It is a pleasure to meet you, milady."

Konan had raised an eyebrow, but that had quickly changed to rolling her eyes as Nagato and Yahiko came up protectively behind her. "I'm S-rank, boys. I can take care of myself. Besides he's just being a gentleman, which is more than can be said from most of the Agents that have visited us so far."

"Oh, absolutely." Emerald agreed, running a hand through his hair with a grin. "You can be sure that I have not a single ignoble intention towards your lovely kunoichi friend, here."

"Oh, really?" Yahiko questioned with a similar grin on his face. "And how can we be sure that you aren't planning on stealing away our darling Konan to a castle on top of a hill for a lavish wedding?"

Emerald had just kept on smiling, not missing a beat. "Oh, I'm a hundred percent gay. I have no romantic or sexual interest in women at all, so you can be sure that I have no such interest in Konan-chan here."

He clapped 'Konan-chan' on the shoulder, pulling her towards him in a one-armed hug. "Besides, having a relationship with someone outside the Phoenix Corporation is simply a very bad idea for any of us. We'd really prefer not to do so because of the consequences."

The air in the room had become rather awkward. Honestly, none of them had ever met someone so open and yet so hidden about his sexuality. Emerald obviously had no problem talking about it, but compared to the other Phoenix Corporation Agents they'd seen, his outfit wasn't all that odd. That may have been why his outfit didn't really scream 'flaming homosexual,' but even without that, his outfit wasn't all that… well, it wasn't all that gay.

He was normal, and yet made no attempts to hide the fact that he wasn't straight. They hadn't met anyone like that.

Readers, let me take a moment to tell you something. Agent Emerald is what you might call the Straight Gay. He may have elements of an Agent Peacock, but all it really means is that he's a snazzy dresser, and little else. He's gay, and that's it. He's not camp. At all.

"In any case," He let go of Konan and reached into the pocket that the gold chain led too, but he didn't grab his pocket watch. Instead, he pulled out a very small leather bag. Emerald pinched the edges of bag and _pulled_. It grew wider and wider in his grip, until he suddenly had a very large bag in his hands. It appeared to be empty, but he reached in and pulled out…

A paint bucket filled with sawdust.

One thought was flowing through their heads as he put it down on the ground.

_What the f***/ h***?_

Just for the record, it was one of those very large paint buckets. It was one of the large white plastic ones that you can get at Home Depot and other hardware stores.

"This sawdust is magical." Emerald stated grandly, ignoring the odd stares he was getting. "It's sawdust from a magical tree in Scotland."

"It's sawdust in a f***in' paint bucket." Hidan deadpanned.

"Ah, but it's not just any sawdust. It's _magical_ sawdust."

"**What's so magical about it?"** Zetsu asked. Well, he would be interested, wouldn't he?

"Well, first off, it's from a completely different universe and dimension." His smile grew wider as he continued. "Also, the tree is called the Whomping Willow and tries to smash anyone that comes near it to bits." The fact that Emerald continued smiling as he said this may have said a little something about just what his abilities were.

"That sounds wonderful…" Zetsu muttered, staring at the sawdust. Sasori padded closer, hopping up onto a nearby chair to get a better look at the so-called magical sawdust.

"I know, right?" Emerald grinned. "Truly, you are a man after my own heart."

"**What the h*** makes you say that?**" Zetsu asked, looking at him in confusion.

"Oh? Didn't you bother wondering why I was called Agent Emerald, of all things? For shame." He scolded them, and then raised an arm above the bucket. Small swirls of the sawdust began to float up, and a vine snuck out through the sleeve of his shirt.

"Plants and trees, dead or alive, are my forte. They make fairly good spies, too, as I'm sure you know, and considering that most large life forms on the planet are plants, as opposed to animals, well…" He chuckled. "It's a fair bit more useful than most people assume."

The vine disappeared back up his sleeve. The sawdust fell back into the bucket. Agent Emerald grinned.

"Goodbye, my little shinobi friends. It's been nice seeing you." He reached up to his watch, fiddling around for a second, and a green portal was projected out several seconds later. He hopped through it, sending them one last wave and grin before it closed up behind him.

There was silence for several seconds, which was broken by Deidara.

"So… does anyone get what we're supposed to do with a bucket of supposedly magical sawdust, un?"

"Maybe it's one of the cures." Konan suggested, coming closer to the bucket. It really did look like just normal sawdust, albeit a little darker than normal.

"Who would have something to do with sawdust that hasn't already been turned?" Yahiko asked. "I mean, there's Itachi, Kakuzu, Tobi, Sasori… oh…"

All of heads turned towards the small red kitten, still sitting on the chair by the bucket. The fact that, even as an adorable kitten, he could still give them a look that plainly said '_You're all complete idiots and I hope you never have children so that your substandard genes have no chance to spread and infect the rest of the world's populace'_ was rather telling of his personality.

The look said almost as much as an Uchiha's hn. Very expressive.

"Okay, Sasori it is!" Yahiko said with an affected cheer.

Sasori hissed at him and unsheathed his claws. It did nothing to stop Yahiko from picking him up and…

"What do we do now? Do we dunk him in or dump it all on him?"

"Do you want to be the one cleaning up the f***in' mess?" Hidan asked with a snort.

"Eh… no. Dunking him in it is, then." Yahiko proceeded to do just that, and stumbled back at the sudden burst of smoke. "It worked!"

"Why are you so happy?" Nagato questioned him, pulling him away from the smoke. "You've been like this for weeks. It's unbearable."

"Oh really?" Yahiko turned with a disgusting and confident grin. "My happiness about being alive is too much for you, _friend_?"

"Don't do the Jiraiya grin!" Konan hissed at him, smacking his shoulder.

Right. Just like old times.

"Great, now where do I get some clothes?" A remarkably bored voice said from within the nearly disappeared smoke cloud. The fact that he was bored even in this situation is something to be admired.

"I'm pretty sure you should put a towel on first, danna, un." Deidara called out.

"Henge." Sasori said, raising an eyebrow as the folds of the cloak 'settled' around him. "You were saying?"

The other Akatsuki stared for a few seconds, and it was Hidan who voiced their thoughts. "Why the h*** didn't we think of that?"

"Because you're all idiots." Sasori said with his arms crossed. "Now, where can I actually get some clothing?"

"Well…" Konan hedged, "Jade usually gets it from the front porch for us, but I'm not sure how about how her neighbors would react to someone unfamiliar showing up, especially after what happened last night."

"So you just—"

"Henge, I know." Konan glared at the redhead. "I'm not as thick as you seem to think I am."

She stalked off.

"That was a bad move, Sasori-kun." Yahiko crooned, grinning in a very creepy manner as he came closer to the scorpion boy.

"Stop that." Nagato ordered. Sure, it was a reversal of their roles as children, but no one really cared at this point. Nagato was in charge now, and that was it. Yahiko seemed to have stopped caring.

"Alright, alright." Yahiko placated him, drawing away from Sasori. Sasori just raised an eyebrow.

"Here." Konan had swept back into the room, tossing Sasori the box with his clothing. He caught it, muttering a sarcastic 'thank you' as he left the room to actually put his clothing on.

"So, is anyone else wondering which of you b******s is going to have to help puppet-boy learn how to do human stuff again?" Hidan asked, lounging on the couch.

All heads turned to Deidara, who gave them a deadpan look, annoyed. "Danna hasn't forgotten how to do human stuff, you know, un."

"Oh?" Hidan grinned and leaned in closer, a teasingly lecherous look on his face. "And how would you know that?"

Deidara was spared the need to reply when an angry tomcat started hissing and scratching the Jashinist's face off.

"I forgot how bad Kakuzu's temper is, un." Deidara noted, tilting his head to the side.

"Enough." Nagato said, giving them a small glare, made all the worse by his Rinnegan. "I'm fairly certain that Jade is asleep, and as the owner of her house, her wishes are to be respected."

"Okay… hey, does anyone want some coffee, un?" Deidara got up and headed toward the kitchen.

"I'll take some." Kisame said.

"Some here." Konan called out.

"No thanks." Yahiko denied it, as did Nagato. Hidan was, for some reason, asleep on the couch again. Contrary to what people seemed to think, Hidan was an extraordinarily neat sleeper, though his snores where moderately loud. He seemed dead to the world when he slept, really. He barely moved, other than breathing.

That was the reason why enemy ninja thought it would be a good idea to ambush him while he was asleep. Just because he slept like the dead didn't mean that he was a deep sleeper. Very few ninja were, and any that did fall into that category didn't last very long in the field.

"I suppose I could… try it." Sasori was back in the room again. He was frowning towards the kitchen. "I can't say whether I remember whether I liked it or not, but trying it couldn't hurt."

"So…" Deidara went quiet for a moment. "I'll make seven cups, enough for everyone, plus three people having seconds, un."

"Great." Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Now, now, don't be a b****." Yahiko grinned and slung an arm around Sasori's shoulders. He waved a hand in front of him. "There's an entire _world_ out there to explore."

"You disgust me. Get off."

"What is wrong with you?" Konan asked, her eyes narrowed in distaste. "Your attitude's been even worse than usual this morning, and even normally you're rather… b****y."

"Maybe it's the teen hormones that he suddenly has to deal with all over again, un." Deidara said, walking back into the room with a smirk. "After all, Danna _is_ still a virgin."

Silence reigned throughout the living room as they all stared at Deidara and Sasori glared.

"Deidara? Um… just how do you know that?" Kisame asked.

Zetsu was playing around with the sawdust.

"He told me once. I was getting ready for a date with a girl in a town we'd stopped at, and asked him about what to do since he's so much older than me that I figured that he'd know."

A few small sniggers broke out. Konan chuckled, hand to her mouth, "Well, I suppose that a sudden influx of hormones that you've never had to deal with before might suddenly send you into a bit of an emotional whirlwind. After all," A smirk crossed her face, causing Sasori to glare at her a little more than before, "It happens to every young _girl_ as she gets acquainted with Mother Nature's monthly gift."

She elegantly brushed out of the room, heading towards where she knew Deidara had left the coffee pot that would soon be ringing. She left behind sounds of laughter and a very irritated Sasori.

o.o.o.o.o

Now, there have been no troubles up to this point, correct? Exactly, and yet the final result still somehow happened. Well, you see, dear readers, it happened a little like this…

Sasori took a sip of the coffee and found it a little too bitter for his taste. He obviously didn't show it on his face, but Deidara could somehow still tell.

"You could try putting some sugar in, un." The blonde had suggested it, and it seemed reasonable enough, so Sasori decided to go ahead and try the coffee with a little sugar.

Here, you see, is where, to put it in a certain colloquial vernacular, it all went to h***.

I appear to be saying 'you see' a lot. My apologies.

In any case, Tobi was still in idiot mode. That meant that Tobi had a constant craving for sugar. Ergo, when Sasori opened up the sugar bowl, Tobi came right for it.

Tobi jumped into the sugar bowl.

Tobi got caught in mouth of the sugar bowl.

Tobi and the sugar bowl fell to the ground with a crash.

No one bothered to catch him.

Tobi accidentally got enough sugar into his mouth to return to being human halfway through his fall.

One of Tobi's flailing legs caught Sasori in the gut.

Sasori, of course, got even more irritated than he had been, and attacked Tobi.

"Why does he have his mask but nothing else on, un?" Deidara asked thirty seconds into watching the two grown men that had been his partners race around the room, one of them livid and the other one naked. He was leaning against the counter, sipping his coffee.

"Blame Phoenix?" Hidan suggested, taking a bit out of a corn dog he'd found in the fridge and heated up. Breakfast food or not, he was eating it.

"True. I wonder if—HEY, WATCH IT, UN!" Tobi had just bumped into him, spilling the very hot beverage all over both him and Hidan. The pyromaniac and the priest only glanced at each other for a second before they leapt after Tobi.

Somehow, at some point, someone had put clothes on Tobi.

Somehow, at some point, Sasori had managed to regain control over himself.

Somehow, at some point, Kisame had gotten ahold of some rope.

They all tied up Tobi.

Somehow, at some point, Jade had come down without them realizing it.

And she.

Was.

P***ed.

And that is how we got to the situation described above.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I wrote this all in one day, plus a one-shot that I posted separately. I feel happy. Now all I have left is the omake. I may post another chapter later this week if I feel like it.**

**And now, it's time for the omake prize. If you didn't know already, I give an omake request (within reason) to whoever gets every fiftieth review. This time, it was ****Autumn-is-beautiful****, who requested:**

A listen-in on one of the conversations between Hidan and Jashin, where his god is trying to explain our world to him.

**Due to how I write this particular story, Diamond eventually got tossed into the mix as we were discussing it as well.**

_**If**_** you don't understand what's going on in certain cases, relax. Sometime in the near future (in the next few chapters, anyway), the theo-political scene of the Naruto-verse will be explained, probably in detail. Some of you will already know it, if you track GC as well.**

**It got a little out of hand with Jashin and Diamond, but that's because I really couldn't think of what to write for Jashin explaining things about the world to Hidan that he doesn't already know.**

**As far as I'm concerned, the following omake is considered part of this story's canon. Enjoy.**

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan lay in the basket, stock-still. Still as a rock. Still as the-opposite-of-Naruto. Still as Itachi.

Point is, he was really still, and he was praying.

It was the night after Jade had taken them in and named them.

There was a sort of… _chink_ sound. Well, it was sort of a _whump_ feeling too, but that's beside the point. The point is, after all, that Hidan had managed to set up a connection to Jashin.

Yes, he had managed to set up a connection to his beloved god.

_Jashin-sama?_

_**Yes?**_ The voice sounded like the owner was wincing. Probably because they were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or maybe just because there was a demon clamping her very sharp teeth down on said owner's arm. _**Can I call you back later? I kind of have to deal with something really, really important now.**_

_Uh… okay?_

_**Great.**_ The 'connection' fizzled out.

Hidan sighed and made himself comfortable enough so that he'd be able to 'receive the call' later.

_I really hope that wasn't another f***in' rebellion._

o.o.o.o.o

It was three days later that Jashin finally got back to him.

_**I'm back!**_ The voice jolted Hidan awake, but it didn't irritate him as any other voice would have.

_Jashin-sama!_ Yes, he was that happy.

_**Okay, first thing's first. Don't get too p***ed off about what I'm going to tell you.**_

Hidan blinked, but acquiesced. _Okay? Jashin-sama, what's going on?_

_**Remember when I told you about that drinking buddy of mine, Diamond? And how we're pretty much best friends now, since she's one of the only people I get to even see? I think I might've introduced you to her once or twice…**_

_Yes?_ Hidan was getting a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could see where this was heading, he just really hoped that he wasn't right.

_**Yeah, your current situation is her boss's fault. On the upside, we're getting some help with the barrier, which is a pretty good payoff for a couple of months of humiliation on your part, in my opinion.**_

Hidan got the feeling that his god was giving him the thumbs up, and possibly having a little too much fun with the situation.

_Right… is there anything else I need to know?_

_**Stay away from any electronic devices unless you know what they do, and if you do know and they're meant for media, don't touch them.**_

_Why?_

**Yaoi, of course!** It was a new voice, a girl's voice.

A cute, but terrifying voice.

_**Hello Diamond.**_ Jashin said resignedly. Hidan was in a little bit of horror.

**Hey, Shin-chan!** The girl, apparently Diamond, said. **We have two months to tear that thing down, and we'll have your dimension on energy intravenous blah-bi-ti-blahs 'til then!**

_**Intravenous blah-bi-ti-blahs?**_ He asked.

Hidan, if you were wondering, is having a bit of a mental meltdown. We'll skip over the rest of Jashin and Diamond's bickering to bring you to the part where they have some fun telling Hidan about what to do and what not to do.

**Never go to Wyoming. It's nothing but corn, as far as the eye can see.** She advised sagely.

_**Hidan, there's nothing wrong with Wyoming. Ignore her, she's insane.**_

**Am not! The voices in my head told me so!**

_**Stop talking, or you'll traumatize him. Again. Honestly, Di, you're really pushing this past the bounds of humor. Especially after what happened with the buffalo—**_

**Oh, come on. The alfalfa thing was totally not my fault!**

_Erm, Jashin-sama?_

_**Yes, Hidan? After all, you're far more important than the lazy, insane, moron that's talking to me on the other side.**_

**Watch it, Shin-chan!**

_**Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Hidan, you were saying?**_

…_Am I going to survive this with my sanity intact?_

…

…

…

_**That is a very good question. It is one that I, unfortunately, do not—**_

**Oh, if the situation doesn't drive you insane, I will.** Diamond assured him, a giggle in her voice.

_**Leave. Now. Out of my dimension, or at least my plane.**_

There was silence.

_Jashin-sama?_

_**She's gone. Now, about the cars, you'll want to stay away from them until someone with experience actually thinks you're responsible enough to put behind a wheel, which may take a while…**_


	12. School is Mine

**A/N: I MADE A TROPES PAGE FOR THIS! Go check it out, please. I spent at least five hours making it and a fair bit longer editing it. So please, go check it out, and maybe add some stuff here and there if you think I missed something. The only major problem I've run into is the YMMV labels, because a bunch of them should probably stay there since they're discussed or referenced as opposed to actually being use right out.**

o.o.o.o.o

Jade stared at the paper in her hands, fuming.

_They have got to be kidding me._

You may be wondering what was on the paper. Here is your answer:

_Jade!_

_Hello, dear. We see you've been having some fun, what with Sasori and Tobi finally turning back. Yes, yes, we're wonderful, we know._

Jade really had to wonder at who had written this.

_In any case, this is a parody, so there are certain things that simply must be done. In kitten-fics, and even Akatsuki-come-to-the-real-world fics in general, there is often a scene, or even several chapters, in which a member, or members, come to school with the OC._

_No Henge allowed. No one can recognize them for who they are. You need a good cover story. Those are the regulations._

_The PC_

Jade gnashed her teeth. _How_ was she supposed to do something this ridiculous? Who was she even supposed to bring? There were all of two, maybe three, characters that could pass for school-age, and one or two of them would probably just refuse on principle, while the other was dangerously unstable.

So, she couldn't ask Sasori, and that meant she'd have to talk to Deidara. She needed to find a way to get Deidara to spend a day at her school tomorrow.

There went the rest of her Sunday.

o.o.o.o.o

"Hidan, translate this for the rest of them." Jade walked into her living room, currently filled with kittens. She tossed the paper so that it landed directly in front of the little silver kitten.

Hidan gave her a look, but he went over to the paper and began mewling out a translation anyway. When he was done, he looked back up at her with mirth in his eyes.

"Since I doubt Sasori will be willing to do it, and Itachi probably can't pass for a teenager anymore, I'm pretty sure we'll have to get Deidara to go for this." She sat down on an armchair, leaning forward to put her elbows on her knees and rest her head on her hands.

"Mrow." A few of the kittens were currently gathered underneath the area by the kitchen sink. Jade glared a little, not wanting to get up.

She sighed and went to get them back to normal anyway.

Several minutes later, only two of the shinobi were still kittens: Itachi and Kakuzu.

"I want to do it." Deidara was grinning widely.

"Oh, really? You can disguise yourself without a henge, well enough to keep anyone from even comparing you to who you actually are?" Jade looked at him through half-lidded eyes. It was a bit of a risky question, but she reasoned that with Henge, many shinobi wouldn't bother learning how to infiltrate without it, especially those that dealt almost exclusively with combat, like Deidara did.

"Yes. I…" He trailed off, trying to figure out how to say something, an eventually turned to the others, rattling something off. Hidan stared for a few seconds before laughing, and Yahiko began to chuckle as well. The rest of them had expressions that ranged from disturbed to amused to irritated.

"Er…" Hidan glanced around, realizing that no one else was going to bother explaining what Deidara had suggested.

"That video, with the, uh…" He glanced at the ceiling for help.

It's a Vocaloid.

"Ah, the Vocaloids. There is a girl with yellow hair. Her name…"

Akita Neru. The next thing you want to say, and I know what you're planning, is Cosplay.

"Her name is Akita Neru. He says that if he Cosplays as a person from another… story?"

From a different fandom, dear.

"From a different fandom, especially if as a girl, he will not be…"

Recognized.

"He will not be recognized."

Deidara seemed to have a little trouble following along with what Hidan was saying, but it wasn't too bad. Jade just stared at them, head moving back and forth between the two.

"Are you serious?" Jade looked back and forth between them. "You're kidding right?"

"No. It is… uh…" he thought for a few seconds. "Just Crazy Enough To Work, yes?"

Jade pinched the bridge of her nose for a couple seconds, breathing deeply enough to calm down a little. "Okay, okay. This… _could_ work, but what story would we use?"

"Eh… looking to… transfer?" Hidan glanced up and nodded as confirmation was sent down to him. "Is a… possibility."

"So 'she' is looking to transfer schools to somewhere in the US for whatever reason, and my school is a possibility so she's taking a day to… tour? What do we tell the teachers? They _are_ going to ask for papers."

A meowing noise came from her feet and she looked down to see Itachi. Her faced lacked any amusement. "Let me guess, you ride around on Deidara's shoulder or something and pull some Jedi Mind Tricks?"

He nodded. Everyone ignored Deidara as he shot Itachi a look full of disgust.

Jade sighed and cradled her head in her hands. "I can't believe I'm actually agreeing to this."

"Yes!" Deidara said, rather happy.

The doorbell rang, and when Jade checked, there was a box on the step.

It had an Akita Neru cosplay outfit inside.

_- Color contacts included._

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara's English had rapidly improved that night as Jade coached him, adding in some information about Vocaloids that he would do well to remember if he was going to be cosplaying. It was quick enough that Jade would have been surprised if Agent Opal had had a hand in it.

The next day, Jade walked through school irritably with a bubbly blonde bimbo at her side. Said blonde had a small, sleek black kitten riding on her left shoulder; the kitten seemed to have more pride than the girl.

A couple of people had recognized the Cosplay outfit and struck up conversation about it. Deidara still had trouble with English—Hidan was the best, to the everlasting consternation of many of the Akatsuki—but that could be written off by being a foreign student moving to the US because of her father's job. They used a fake name, of course, but it wasn't all that important.

Jade frequently found herself looking at the kitten as people, especially teachers, walked by the two. Deidara sat in on Jade's classes, paying attention only peripherally, with a little more focus on people-watching than anything else. He even, for reasons unknown, pointed out a mistake that Jade made while integrating a trigonometric function during HL Math. Jade suspected that he just felt like showing off, and the innocent look on his face only served to make her more suspicious.

"C'mon." Jade sighed at the end of the day. "Let's go before you actually _do_ cause trouble."

"Goodbye!" Deidara called, smiling and waving at the people he'd met. He got into Jade's car, and seconds later there was no longer a giggly girl, but a p***ed off shinobi.

"Uchiha." He spat the name, and Itachi jumped off of his head with what looked like a roll of the eyes.

"No fighting in my car." Jade told them, putting the car in reverse and backing smoothly out of her space.

Jade could drive well. She wasn't a stunt driver or similar by any standards, but for a seventeen-year-old, she was rather good.

"Yeah, yeah."

"What happened to the verbal tic?" Jade asked, coming to a stop at a red light.

"…What?"

"You always add 'un' to the end of your sentences. What happened to that?"

"…" Deidara seemed to be looking for words, but eventually gave up. "We can talk after. Hidan translates, un."

Jade nodded, glancing out of the corner of her eye. Deidara was looking out the window.

"Is this faster?" She asked him as she cruised down road.

"Hm?" Deidara looked over at her.

"Is this faster than when you run? I haven't seen a one of you shinobi run yet." Jade clarified.

Deidara looked out a window, gauging the speed. "Yes… but not fast like my birds, un."

He grinned over, and Jade nodded with a smile on her face. "If you can find a way to hide one of your birds, genjutsu or otherwise, you're taking me out flying. I want to see what it's like."

It took him about fifteen seconds to process and translate what she said, but when he had, he sent her a brilliant smile. "Yes!"

o.o.o.o.o

"Ship Tease?" Silk leaned back in his seat, tapping a pen against his lips.

"No." Phoenix shook her head. "Just friendship."

"With benefits?"

Phoenix made a face. "A hook-up later on at most, and not past second base. It's just… we don't want any romance in this thing. I mean, we'll have _some_ shipping, but nothing involving an OC. Involving an OC in a pairing would be tantamount to shooting myself in the foot."

"Is that a trope?" Silk glanced over at her. His outfit was similar to his name: a silk suit. He's a snazzy dresser, fo' reals.

And I will never say something that stupid again. Stab me if I do.

"Shooting yourself in the foot? Maybe…"

"WE'RE DONE! WE'RE FINALLY DONE GETTING RID OF THAT GODD*** BARRIER!" A tiny redhead barreled in. If you haven't realized yet, I like writing about how short Diamond is. It irritates her quite a lot.

"I'm not _short_, d***it!" Diamond glared at Phoenix.

See? It's ever so amusing.

"F*** you. Do I get to go visit now? Please? Please, please, please, please, please~?" Diamond begged.

"Maybe in the next chapter." Phoenix waved her off.

"B****!" Diamond stalked off.

"What's got her panties in a twist?" Silk asked, looking over at Phoenix.

"She probably just wants to mess with Hidan a little. Oh, I checked about shooting yourself in the foot."

"And?"

"Not a trope. Sadly." She leaned back in her chair, looking at the ceiling. "I know there was at least one other thing I had planned, but I can't remember it."

"A party?" Silk suggested.

"No… that would work, except I don't think Jade's really the type to have a party, and having one without all of them being human could be problematic and awkward…" Phoenix paused. "I guess we could just go off of that and turn Kakuzu back. What do you think?"

Silk shrugged. "Go for it. It's not like anything I have to say will actually effect your choice, since you're the one writing this anyway."

"True. I think I'll turn it into an anticlimax."

There was silence for a few seconds, and then Silk snorted.

"I don't even exist and I'm arguing with you. You're the one writing the argument. I'm contemplating my own existence because I know I'm not real but you've written me to believe that I am. We of the fictional Phoenix Corporation run other fictional universes, but nominally live in the back of your head, and yet you are neither schizophrenic nor do you have DID. Then you write me with lines like this, and the situation just gets even more complicated from there." He leaned back in his chair, smirk on his face. "Man, this story is Mind Screw for you."

"I know. It's so much fun."

"And there's going to be so much weird pseudo-philosophy about Fate and how much of it you actually bother to try and control when Neji shows up that it's going to make your head spin."

"I can't wait."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked down at Kakuzu, frowning. "You and Itachi are the last ones left. I can't really think of anything for Itachi, but…"

She looked down at the large cat by her feet. "Let's just try a few things. Something is bound to work eventually if we're even trying anything in the first place."

She first tried taking the bucket that had held the sawdust—now empty—and filling it with the spare small bills that had accumulated in it and dunking him. It didn't work, and she'd had to remind him not to take any of the money.

It only just occurred to me that I never bothered telling you about the morning ritual involving Jade and Kakuzu. Well, my oh-so-darling readers, I shall tell you now.

Every morning, Jade would try and take the small wad of bills from beneath Kakuzu's head, where it lay peacefully. Every morning, he would hiss and swipe at her hand, protecting the money. Every morning, he would eventually give up, sometimes because of Pein, sometimes on his own, and reluctantly let Jade take the money that would be used for their own well-being.

He grumbled and moped rather a lot in the mornings.

She tried the music next. It'd worked for the Ame trio, so logic suggested a song might work for other as well. It was just her luck that the second song she tried would work.

She first tried ABBA's 'Money, Money, Money,' but it didn't work. She wasn't all to surprised, barely having believed that a song would be the thing to work at all, thinking that the Phoenix Corporation would be too entertained with their exasperation to bother letting it work.

So when "Mine, Mine, Mine," a Disney song of all things, _did_ work, she was a little surprised at the poof of smoke.

"Towel, now. I'll get the clothing, just go." Her eyes were, as always, covered by her hand; she hadn't actually seen any of the male Akatsuki naked yet, which she considered a good thing. Konan had been… a special situation, but all things considered, it had been for Rule Of Funny, what with the situation she'd returned in.

So Kakuzu was back. Great.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Hah! Two chapters in one week! I'm on fire!**

**No, not literally. If I was, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?**

**Once again, please go check out the tropes page I made for this. Maybe rec it on the Naruto Alt Fic/Crack Fic recs page, but at least check out the tropes page.**

**Next Chapter: Diamond finally gets to meet the Akatsuki, and she brings along a guest. I'm sure you can guess who.**

**Also, you guys said you wanted to see what the PC did when they were working on something other than this story. What follows is a rather long omake I wrote a while ago.**

**WARNING: Numerous song lyrics. They're in italics, and you can skip them if you'd like. They're more like background music than anything else unless Diamond is actually singing along.**

**The following takes place in the Harry Potter 'verse.**

o.o.o.o.o

It was a frequent problem. It was a problem that they'd grown used to dealing with in only a few minutes and erasing memories so that no one remembered what had happened. No one but they knew that it had even happened.

The problem itself was, of course, the Fourth Wall Holes. With the PC at the center and hallways branching off to go to various other stories, there was a literal Fourth Wall present for each story that had been written, as well as to a base dimension and universe for every known canon-line. Oftentimes, data, generally auditory or visual, would leak through rifts that they called Fourth Wall Holes, because the fourth wall was where the rifts most often occurred.

Agent Diamond decided that erasing memories made the entire thing boring, and so went and pretty much stopped doing it whenever she was sent to fix a breach; she also made as much of a mess and confused as many people as possible whenever she did.

The results were… interesting.

o.o.o.o.o

It was the Battle of Hogwarts.

It was the Caramelldansen, English version.

It was… really confusing.

"_Dance to the beat,  
wave your hands together,  
Come feel the heat,  
Forever and forever."_

The fighting had paused, and even the rogue fighters, like the Acromantula, had tried to find the source of the music. It occurred to many people that it may have just been a diversionary tactic, but it wasn't the sort of thing that Voldemort did, and everyone on the 'Light' side had seemed too surprised to take advantage of it. And then came The Voice.

**Audio Breach in Sector 14A. Audio Breach in Sector 14A. Is there an agent available to do repairs?**

"I'll get it!" It was a peppy voice, this second one.

**Opening portal to Sector 14A. Location: Hogwarts. Time: May 2****nd****, 1998, 3:41:29. Sending Agent Diamond. Please remember to use the door this time.**

"Thanks, Opal!"

A red circle came into being, glowing, in the middle of the great hall, forming a vertical portal at waist height. A blur of red and black came shooting out and tumbled across the floor for a few meters. Then it popped up and was revealed to be a girl.

This girl was very short. She also had curly red hair past her waist and a rather revealing outfit showing off large… assets, but it wasn't all that distracting. What was distracting was the gleaming red whip that split an Acromantula in half almost before it attacked.

"No." She wagged her finger at it, pout on her face. "Bad spider. You don't attack PC operatives."

She glanced around, noting the blank looks on the faces of the people around her. She pouted again. "Aw, I forgot this wasn't a manga. I wanted to see some facefaults."

The whip had somehow disappeared. The music was still playing.

Diamond shrugged, and bounced on her toes a bit, right in time to the music. "Well, whatever. I gotta do some work now, so try not to get involved. I can't guarantee that you'll li~ve!" She gave a wink and wagged her finger at her audience again.

And then she stabbed her right hand through the opposite forearm.

Well. That was unexpected.

She hummed along to the music as she waved her arms around, the blood reacting as though gravity wasn't a factor. The self-inflicted gash healed up in seconds after she removed her hand, and her arms seemed to direct her blood into a floating circle in the sky, and then a web. Symbols showed up, and Diamond stared up at it, seeing something that no one else could understand.

"Huh. Alright, I'll have to set up a Blue Station. Please stand back, little people."

A snort came from her right, but she ignored it.

She scattered a few odd devices into the air, and they arranged themselves into a _very_ large rectangle in the sky. Said rectangle began to glow in a technologic-looking blue, and then there was suddenly space behind it…

Along with numerous wires, piping, ventilation ducts, circuit breakers, computers, and much, much more, with no discernable end. All of it glowed, made of the same blue panels as the original.

Diamond clapped her hands together and dove in, playing with wires. "Give me a couple minutes!"

Thirty seconds later:

BOOM!

The girl was sent flying out of her… whatever it was, and smashed clear through a wall. The music, instead of going away, changed to a different song.

"_Boys and girls of every age,  
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?  
Come with us and you will see,  
This our Town of Halloween."_

"Oh, come on!" The girl was up again, pouting, and looked no worse for the wear. "I can't believe it! Opal, The Database Hates Me! It usually loves me! Why, Opal, why?"

_**Because you were being an idiot. Get back to work.**_

"Fine." She sighed and went back to the Blue Station.

"What is that?" A voice finally broke through the music and relative silence that had been there since Diamond's arrival. Of course, the speaker was Hermione.

Diamond shrugged, stripping a wire of its coating. "A Blue Station. We use them when dimensional coding goes up the wazoo, so to speak."

"Dimensional… coding?"

The music changed again.

"_Come little children,  
I'll show thee the way,  
Into a land of enchantment._

_Come little children,  
The time's come to play,  
Here in my Garden of Shadows."_

"Yep." Diamond looked at the wire and then turned over to one of the computers and began typing. "We're pretty much responsible for keeping this dimension and a couple others from collapsing and a ton of other things. Including other universes. Pretty much everything in this reality is under our control and guidance, actually."

"What?!"

"The world is our plaything!" Diamond said cheerily. "Now hold this."

She shoved a writhing mass of living steel cables into Hermione's arms.

"Now, let's try—"

"Avada Kedavra!" The desperate shout when a Death Eater finally pulled up the courage to attack her was loud enough to draw attention. The spell headed for Agent Diamond… and bounced of her forehead.

She caught it on the rebound.

"The f***, dude?" She turned to her attacker, waving the Avada stick like a demented Disney wand. "I'm trying to work on some s***, here. H***, I even kept myself from cursing, a**hole!"

The music changed again.

"_This place about to blow,  
oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh!"_

"I mean, seriously? You f***ers are lucky I'm even doing this c***. Shut the h*** up before I call up an e**in' demon horde on your a**es, you little w****s. I'm Agent Diamond of the Phoenix Corporation, b****es!" She ranted. Oh, she ranted.

Then she got distracted. "You know, this is really rather pretty. It actually does look a bit like one of those Disney wands that they always use during commercial breaks and…"

She was bouncing to the music again, though only barely. Then she tasted the Avada stick.

She smacked her lips as witches, wizards, and other magical beings stared on in undisguised horror.

"Kinda… sour tasting. Like a lemon."

"_Well my first kiss went a little like this,  
*smooch* and twist,  
*smooch* *smooch* and twist."_

"Avada Kedavra!" Several different spells were heading towards her now.

"You guys really don't know when to quit, do you?"

She grabbed the spells out of the air and crushed them in her hand. She then threw a hand towards her attackers, in a fist. She grinned, and spread her hand, fingers wide.

"Oops."

The Death Eaters were torn apart as every drop of blood in their body was sent in every direction.

"I could have just given you heart attacks like I was gonna do to the first guy that attacked me, but you f***ers were really too dumb to live." She giggled, drawing looks of horror from the nearby people. "Ah, well, I've got work to do."

Hermione was frozen next to the girl, mouth gaping and eyes wide.

"_I love the feel of grain,  
The screams of a man in pain,  
Blood coming down like rain,  
Showering me!_

"_That everlasting thrill,  
During the final kill,  
Body dumped in a landfill,  
Got off scott-free."_

"D*** it. I can't believe this. Of all the…" Diamond cursed, no longer fooling around with wires. Now, she was just standing in front of a computer, one hand on her hip, the other tangled angrily in her hair.

"Aw, h***. I'm gonna hafta call in Moonstone for this f***-up." She pulled out a radio from… no one really wanted to know where.

Really, it was just hammerspace.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest.

o.o.o.o.o

**Songs used:**

**Caramelldansen, English Version  
This Is Halloween  
Come Little Children  
Blow  
My First Kiss  
I don't know, but it's the song from the Ferrets video on Youtube, by SecretAgentBob**


	13. Demonic Noises

**A/N: This chapter is a birthday present to myself. My birthday's on Monday, so please be a dear and review. The main reason I'm doing this is because, with this chapter, I'll be capping fifty thousand words, and that's a pretty big milestone. I'm not sure why my review count suddenly just dropped this week, but it did and I'm more than a little confused.**

**Also, trope this. Please.**

o.o.o.o.o

Diamond, you may have noticed, has been getting a lot of characterization compared to the other corporation members. There is a very good reason behind that:

She's closer to the Naruto 'verse than any of the others.

This is due to a friendship with Jashin.

A friendship that came about due to very odd circumstances.

All will be explained forthwith.

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan woke up in kitten form, hearing a strange 'ping' noise in his head, accompanied by a strange buzzing feeling.

He looked around, realizing that it was approximately six in the morning, despite the fact that it was a Saturday, five days after Deidara's Cosplay debacle.

Yeah, seeing him sing along to the actual Vocaloid songs was disturbing. Of course, that's probably what the blond had been aiming to do in the first place, but still.

"The h***?" He yawned, and got up and stretched. Stretching as a cat was awkward and all, but… meh.

A voice shoved its way into his mind.

_**Hidan, I only have a few moments. The barrier is down. Diamond is dragging me through the PC headquarters, and I'll probably be in your host's living room in about five minutes. Don't tell anyone who I am, and don't freak out when you see Diamond.**_

_Why would I…?_

_**Sorry, that must be a different… never mind, classified. Point is, don't freak out, and don't tell anyone. Try to stay in kitten form 'til after I get there. I've gotta go.**_

The voice was then gone. Hidan was still for a few seconds, and then snuck out of the room, threw his head back, and laughed, long and loud.

It was odd, to hear such dark laughter from a kitten. So very, very odd.

Oh, this was going to be _good_.

o.o.o.o.o

A blood red portal opened in Jade's living room. Two people stepped out in complete silence, one relatively tall, and the other remarkably short.

"Stop commenting on that!" The tiny redhead hissed.

But it's so much fun!

Diamond grumbled and turned away. The portal behind her closed up.

I suppose I should give you a little physical description. It's only fair, since Diamond comes as close to being a Mary Sue as anyone in this story, so I believe I need to outline what she looks like upon her first appearance, if only to Lampshade the quality.

Costume Porn ahoy.

The clothing she was wearing was almost all black leather, to near Fetish-Fuel levels. She was wearing a tight shirt, one that had a high collar and relatively long sleeves, yet bared her midriff. Of her arms, you could only see her elbows and fingers, for her gloves covered everything between them. She wore a short skirt, with a loose metal chain acting as a 'belt.' Her high-heeled boots came up to just below her knees. Her hair was held away from her face with a black headband, leaving only a single bronze-red curl to fall forward.

All you could see of her skin was her fingers, elbows, knees, midriff, and from halfway up her neck skywards. So much less than normal, and yet she would have made any man's heart beat in desire upon the sight of her. Unfortunately, with the mischievously delighted grin she was wearing, they were more likely to beat in fear instead.

Diamond was quite beautiful, I should add. Pale, alabaster skin offset her chocolate eyes, contrasting nicely with her bright red hair and bloody red lips. Short, perhaps, but very well-endowed, and what could be seen of her body was very well-toned indeed. Pouty lips and a shapely nose were perfectly placed on her smooth-as-fine-china face. She almost seemed to glow, but none of this really mattered to most people.

It didn't really matter at the times when she took it upon herself to laugh maniacally and make the world a little more interesting.

(She may have mailed a live bobcat to someone as opposed to an office chair via Ebay once or twice, but that is a story for another time.)

(She has an odd black hat shaped rather like a boater in the back of her closet.)

Beauty means nothing when the mind is, no longer broken, but healed in a slightly faulty manner. Beauty matters not when the one in question only requests entertainment, and finds it in the oddest of things.

I'm sure you're tired of hearing about our dear Diamond. I'm tired of writing about her. So, I'll move onto our other visitor.

He was about five feet, ten inches tall. He had blue hair, a pale but lively blue. His eyes were light green, a color near lime; they were what TvTropes and many others would refer to as Tsurime Eyes, as redundant as the second word may be. He wore khaki shorts and an open red and orange floral Hawaiian shirt, under which he wore a sleeveless white shirt. A keychain in the shape of a surfboard hung from one of his belt loops. He had on sandals, and his skin was tanned and smooth. There was an exasperated smirk on his face as he watched his current companion glare at the ceiling, and rubbed his wrist on the red fingerprints left from her grip.

There was also a pendant hanging around his neck, of a triangle within a circle.

You have probably guessed by this point, but this is Jashin.

…

…

… Yeah, Jashin's a surfer.

Surf's up, dude.

…

Personally, I prefer skiing. I'm not particularly fond of the water.

…

Let's move on now.

Seconds after they stepped out, a silver blur shot across the floor and jumped directly at Jashin's chest, latching on with small claws.

"Hidan!" Jashin's voice was hushed, but he was clearly happy to see his favorite priest.

"You can talk normally, you know." Diamond butted in. "I've got an illusion up. No one's gonna hear anything."

"Got it, got it." Jashin waved her off, and then tossed himself down on the couch. He crossed his legs and plopped Hidan down on his lap, starting to pet him.

"This is pretty calming." Jashin noted, continuing with the petting. Hidan, currently in worship mode, was calm and had his eyes closed and ears relaxed backwards.

"It's not like you've never done something like this before." Diamond dropped herself into the seat next to him, hands behind her head and legs splayed haphazardly in front of her. She looked over and grinned.

"Not recently in this aspect." Jashin pointed out. "In the last couple hundred years, I've only gotten memories of doing it when I've done a merge with the hive mind."

Diamond laughed. "Ah, I love the fact that there's, like, a dozen of you, and you really are technically all the same person, just different avatars. "

"Oh, exposition?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"You know it, b****." She grinned wider and dropped her head down across the back of the couch, looking behind her and out the window. "That cloud kinda looks like a porcupine."

"Mm…" Jashin hummed his agreement, catching a glance of it on the reflection from a photo frame by the TV. The three of them sat in silence like that for an hour and a half or so.

"They'll be waking up in a few minutes." Diamond noted as she looked over at the kitchen, checking on the barely moving lumps of fur that were the Akatsuki.

"I guess it's about time." Jashin glanced down at his chest, and sighed. He took his necklace off and tucked it into his pocket. "I guess I should hide this if I'm going to surprise them about my identity."

"True. I took the illusion down just now."

"Great, that'll—what are you doing?" He shouted the last bit, as Diamond picked Hidan up in one hand and tossed him the two dozen feet or so to the basket.

He landed with a yowl, and Diamond could have sworn that he was cussing her out. His landing had disturbed the others in the bed, raising a racket of hisses and squalls.

"Hey, kittens. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!" Diamond yelled, and she heard Jashin smack his forehead beside her.

"Oh, look, they're angry at me. Look, Shin-chan, look!" She pointed excitedly at the kittens, bouncing up and down on the couch like a hyperactive five-year-old.

"Don't call me Shin-chan. It's annoying and evokes images of _that_ child."

"True, true. I'm still gonna call you Shin-chan, though."

A bunch of hissing brought their attention down to a small herd of kittens at their feet.

Diamond quirked her head. "We have really got to stop forgetting our surroundings when we start arguing."

"You're an idiot."

"Am not!" She pouted melodramatically, and turned away.

Jashin raised an eyebrow at her, and then turned back to the kittens. He pulled a scroll out of his pocket and unsealed a steaming kettle that had an odd series of what looked like Kanji but wasn't on the side.

It was actually some Chinese characters that said Jusenkyo, but they couldn't have known that.

He somehow got the water to go on every kitten barring Itachi and drop anywhere on the floor. Seconds later, there were ten S-rank nukenin standing tall (… -ish, in Deidara and Sasori's cases) and staring at them. Agent Diamond stood up and came to stand next to Jashin, smiling kindly at them.

When Diamond smiles kindly at you, you run. It's never a good thing.

"More agents, I presume?" Konan asked drily.

"Hello, pretty girl-chan!" Tobi tried to tackle-hug Diamond, but his mask smacked into an arm.

Diamond put her arms up in front of her in an X, but otherwise didn't move. To Tobi, it had felt like he had smacked face-first into a brick wall, one with strengthening seals on it. Like hitting a wall of… diamond…

Oh, so that's what inspired her name.

"You knew that already." Diamond glared at the ceiling.

Tobi didn't.

"…Okay, I'll take it." Diamond shrugged. She looked over the Akatsuki, taking in the looks of suspicion and disbelief.

Hidan was leaning against the wall, watching with a smirk, though the look soured a little when he finally looked at Diamond and noticed that she was watching him. She grinned at him, and then giggled in a way that promised pain and suffering to anyone who denied her entertainment.

"Hello~, Hidan-ku~n." She crooned, leaning forward from where she was. He flinched a little, but it was hardly noticeable.

"Ahem." Nagato cleared his throat to get the attention of the people around him. "Would you be willing to answer Konan's question?"

"Yes, we would." Diamond grinned. There was silence for a few seconds as her rather bad joke filtered through, and frustration hit. Jashin palmed his face.

"I apologize for… her. In any case," He smirked. "Your answer is both yes and no."

Several mouths opened, ready to ask just what he meant, but he cut them off. "Yes," he pointed at Diamond, "and no." He pointed to himself.

"Then who are you?" Kakuzu asked irritably.

At their feet, Itachi was staring at Jashin in sheer disbelief. He'd already figured it out, but that wasn't all that surprising, considering the fact that he was a genius of the highest caliber.

Tobi was wondering why there was suddenly buzzing in his head when he was sure that there should be words coming through.

Hidan was leaning against the wall unnoticed, trying to stifle laughter. He was rather red in the face at this point.

Diamond grinned. "Aw, look, Shin-chan. They can't figure it out!"

"Stop calling me Shin-chan." He rolled his eyes. "I mean, really, what info do they have to go off of in the first place?"

"You're with me; I'm calling you Shin-chan; Hidan looks like he's about to explode from holding in laughter." She pointed at the albino that finally cracked and collapsed to the ground, howling with mirth. Diamond grinned and turned to look up at Jashin, who just rolled his eyes, grabbed her head, and turned her to face front again.

It took three seconds for Jade to come down from her room.

"What the h*** are you guys… Oh, great. More agents." She looked at them resignedly. "Alright, then, who am I dealing with this time?"

"Hey! I'm Diamond, and this is… well, he's not an Agent, and you guys have to guess who he is!" She leaned forward, one hand to her mouth as if hiding what she was saying as she stage-whispered. "I just call him Shin-chan. Oh, and I've put an illusion around your head to translate everything from Japanese automatically until we leave."

"And I've told you a million times not to call me that." Jashin reached forward and grabbed her hair, pulling her back towards him.

"Ow!"

"Oh, come off it, it's not like it actually hurt you." Jashin was rolling his eyes again.

A choking noise drew all their attention. Kakuzu was looking back and forth between Jashin and Hidan, eyes wide in horror. Hidan had stopped laughing by this point, and was now simply smirking with a disgustingly superior look on his face.

"No… it's not possible…" Kakuzu said, still looking wildly between the two.

"Oh? You figured it out? Go on, tell them!" Diamond urged him. She was hopping up and down, but Jashin put a hand on her head.

"No." Kakuzu refused.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"Okay, so 'Kuzu's in denial. What about the rest a' you?" Diamond turned to them. "The information you have so far: he's friends with me, I call him Shin-chan, and Hidan not only knows but finds it hilarious that you haven't figured it out yet."

Jade looked between them all. She noticed the look of dawning comprehension on Sasori's face, paired with complete disbelief.

I seem to be using that word more than usual this chapter. Curious.

"You have got to be kidding me." Sasori deadpanned, face back in its mask of boredom.

"Just get it over with or she'll explode from the anticipation." Jashin said, firmly gripping Diamond's shoulder as she squeezed her hands together in excitement.

Yahiko leaned over to whisper to Kisame. "What exactly are we missing here?"

"I have no idea."

Sasori started to talk again. "If you seriously expect me to believe that's Hidan's stupid god…"

"DING, DING, DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!" Diamond shouted, and they heard the noise of party horns and confetti fell to the ground, only to disappear in a shower of sparkles.

The Akatsuki stared in horror, and Jashin folded his arms across his chest, head held high and smirk omnipresent. "Yo."

Hidan started laughing again, a distinct note of 'Haha, I _told _you so!' in his voice.

o.o.o.o.o

Fifteen minutes later, they were all sitting in Jade's living room with tea.

"Thanks Jade-chan." Diamond chirruped as she sipped the steaming beverage she'd requested. Jade had been surprised in handing it to her, since Diamond had a temperature closer to the piping hot tea glass than Jade herself.

"What exactly is your base?" Jade asked, sitting back in her chair without anything to drink.

"Blood and illusions." Diamond smiled. "And my spread…"

She stood up, setting her drink to the side. Her eyes turned red and her pupils became slits. Her ears grew pointy as a pointed tail snapped into being behind her; a pair of horns appeared on her head. A pair of large, dark red wings came into being behind her, seemingly made from a gathering red mist, most likely blood. Her teeth were pointed as she grinned at them all, and her audience saw flames appear behind her in a burst of illusions.

"Demonic forces." Then suddenly she snapped back to normal and fell back into her seat again, giggling. "Which is why I know Jashin. He controls the realm of the demons and…"

"Wait, they don't know about this yet, do they?" She turned to Jashin, and then nodded to herself. "Right, lesson time."

She clapped her hands, and they were suddenly in a large black space.

"Alright, it's time for you guys to learn about how your world works." Diamond smiled at them. Jashin rolled his eyes—it was a miracle they weren't stuck like that yet—and stood.

"I think I'll handle this." He stepped forward. "You just take care of the visuals."

"Okay." She agreed and sat down, legs once again splayed childishly in front of her.

"First thing, there are three planes of existence in our dimension; they are currently referred to as the realms of the living, the dead, and the demons." Three large bubbles came into being around him. One was blue, one yellow, and one grey.

"Each of the planes of existence is controlled by one of the three gods that rules our dimension: Kami, Shinigami, and myself."

"The Realm of the Living is controlled by Kami. She's… a bit of a b****." A woman of about twenty to thirty years of age appeared above the yellow orb. She was beautiful, yes, but stern. She was a blue-eyed blonde, but not overly buxom, and she wore a long, ethereal yellow dress with a red scarf.

"The Realm of the Dead is controlled by Shinigami. He's alright." A man in his forties or fifties appeared above the grey ball. His grey hair was streak with white, though the only wrinkles he had were some crow's feet. He wore a business suit and slate gray tie, and looked at most simply exasperated.

"And I'm the one in charge of the Realm of Demons. The job sucks, but I'm still awesome." An image of Jashin appeared over the blue orb, giving the peace sign.

"Souls originally travelled a circuit as they lived and died in each plane, going from Kami, to me, to Shinigami, and repeat." Small floating white specks began travelling along paths between the three orbs, with high concentrations of the floating white specks in the center of each orb. There were a few red specks too, and most of them correctly assumed these to be demon souls.

"You know how there's chakra in everything from the ground to the air to the water and more? It's all generated by the flow of souls. Not the souls themselves, but the flow." A small pulse of light appeared at the spot of entrance each time one of the white specks arrived at one of the orbs, or departed.

"Demons can't really exist in the Shinigami's realm without corroding things for reasons we won't get into since it relies heavily on Techno Babble, so we'll just say that they can't and leave it at that."

"In any case, if one of the planes runs out of energy for whatever reason," a green orb appeared, with the word 'Example' above it, along with a red and purple one. The green one grew dimmer and dimmer, and then collapsed in on itself, swirling into something akin to a black hole that dragged the other two into it as well. "It collapses, and so do whatever other planes exist in that dimension."

"At some point, the Juubi decided that it had gotten bored and went to the Realm of the Living. Before you ask, I did _not_ authorize for him to leave. He was the highest classed demon we had, and I didn't want him causing trouble again. Unfortunately for everyone, he held a certain amount of spite for authority, for reasons unknown." A red dot, larger than all of the other specks, slipped out of the blue orb and headed for the yellow orb. The image of Jashin turned to look at it as it left, and soon after it entered, joined the other two at the grey orb, appearing to be conferencing.

"Kami decided that she'd grown tired of all the fighting that happened, so she said she would leave the Juubi to do damage for a while, long enough that the people would no longer remember a time when it hadn't. Then she would put the rest of her plan into action. I thought this was a bad idea, but neither of them listen to me all that often since they believe me to be immature." The red speck moved around the yellow orb, and the circuit of white specks sped up slightly.

"After a while, she created a special soul with her own power, and sent it down to the Realm of the Living. He was to be powerful, and destroy the Juubi. He would preach peace and stop at nothing to bring it about. He is what you call the Sage of the Six Paths." A white speck, larger than the others but not quite as large as the Juubi's, appeared in Kami's hands and was sent down to the world.

"He was an idiot."

The words hit the Akatsuki like a sledgehammer.

"He created a new way to kill people. He caused two of the greatest rivalries in your world to exist simply because of the mess with his sons. Most importantly, he _split the Juubi_."

The large red speck disintegrated, and formed into nine slightly smaller ones, though still larger than the white specks or the other red specks. However, there was still a red mist, and it flowed over into the circuit area, where it stagnated and caused all the white specks to struggle to get out of the yellow orb. Eventually, they stopped leaving at all. A pit of dread formed in the stomachs of most of the Akatsuki.

_Oh no…_

Jashin, the real one, not the figure, laughed bitterly. "That messed things up big time. Souls could no longer enter the Realm of the Demons from the Realm of the Living, so it became a direct back and forth path between the living and dead. I got locked out of the loop." The blue orb began to get dimmer.

"We couldn't simply reverse the current, even though souls could get from my realm to Kami's easily enough. The demon taint had a tendency to create new bloodlines and made the barrier worse besides. A few still leak through now and again, though." The image suddenly froze and the area they were in lightened a bit more. Jashin turned to look at Deidara.

"Are your hand-mouths a result of your kinjutsu?"

Deidara shook his head, having a feeling of where this was going.

"A bloodline?"

Another shake of his head.

"Well, looks like you were one of the unlucky ones." The room returned to how it had been previously.

"We couldn't directly interfere, so I got the next best thing set up. If a person died in the vicinity of certain seals, their soul would get… pushed, for lack of a better word, through the barrier. I sent a few demons to tell people, and had several temples set up to provide an area. It wasn't ideal, but it was enough to keep things from collapsing." Several red specks had left the blue orb to go to the yellow one, and milled around for a short while before leaving. White specks began to slowly float through, though only one or two at a time.

"I'd send a few demons out for new temples, but the Bijuu had simply exacerbated the dislike of demons that the Juubi had instilled in humans. My demons eventually began to get chased out, and only four temples were ever set up."

"Just like my demons, the temples gained a bad reputation. The immortality jutsu worked several times, but the pain of the process generally either killed the person or drove them insane enough that I took the power back out of pity and just let them die to save them from themselves. Hidan is the only one that ever survived even close to mentally intact, and that's only because he wasn't all there to begin with. I got his head fixed though.

"We keep the soul of the Sage locked up so that he doesn't do things again. He's escaped on several instances because newbies were accidentally slated on watch, and caused havoc in the world of the living while trying to save it each time.

"In any case, Shinigami finally took matters into his own hands and tried to program a failsafe into a seal on the latest Kyuubi Jinchuuriki so that the kid could fix things up." Shinigami went over to the yellow orb and did something, turning into the monstrous man that they would have seen had they watched him appear in Konoha for the sealing of the Kyuubi or that of Orochimaru's arms.

"I, again, thought that that was a terrible idea like Kami's had been, and instead told Hidan to help you gather up the Bijuu. If the Juubi was recreated, it might have fixed things." The red specks in the yellow orb began to gather up, and eventually only two were left free.

"A couple years ago, the last of my temples was destroyed by several squads of Kumo nin, and all of my priests were killed except Hidan. Yes, that means he's been the lynchpin to the dimension's survival.

"Then the Phoenix Corporation finally got their hands out of some mess in a different dimension and came over here after sealing the problem away for good. Diamond here can break through any barrier, though her skill at creating them is terrible." The scene was returning to that of the living room.

"F*** you!" Diamond called from where she sat on the couch with a bucket of popcorn.

"You have a boyfriend for that, and I'm not interested." Jashin replied. "And… here we are."

He shrugged and sat down. "That's what happened. I needed human sacrifices to keep the dimension from collapsing."

Jade rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. "I'm not even surprised that Phoenix managed to shoehorn this much Fan Wank in. Whatever. What about you, Agent? I heard you were one of the only two non-OCs in the PC. Where are you from? Who were you?"

Diamond blinked and tilted her head to the side. "Moi? I'm from that series."

She pointed to a set of books on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf in Jade's living room. She noticed the confused looks on the faces of several of the Akatsuki, and spoke. "It's called—"

o.o.o.o.o

PC Fun Fact: I forgot these again, didn't I?

1. The twins (Emerald and Moonstone) are from New Zealand.

2. Agent Quartz has the highest IQ in the PC.

3. Agent Chimera is the tallest, even naturally.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: If you can guess who Diamond was, I'll write you an omake of your choice (within reason, of course, so no lemons, no really OOC things, etc.).**

**It's my birthday in three days so please review, check out the AK: PCO tropes page (link in my profile), maybe add a little something, and maybe put me on the Rec page?**

**Especially: what did you think of Jashin and his little story?**


	14. Bloody Diamond

**A/N: Huh. We've actually made it this far.**

…**Nice.**

**In any case, there's a character page for this on TvTropes now, so if you want to go check that out…**

**Oh, and flame away. I'm sure that I'm going to get at least one person complaining about who Diamond is/was.**

o.o.o.o.o

_Diamond blinked and tilted her head to the side. "Moi? I'm from that series."_

_She pointed to a set of books on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf in Jade's living room. She noticed the confused looks on the faces of several of the Akatsuki, and spoke. "It's called—"_

o.o.o.o.o

"—Twilight."

There was silence for a few seconds. It was confused on the Akatsuki's part, and a little annoyed on Jade's.

"Really? All that build-up, and it just turns out that you're from the sparkly vampire books?" She was silent for a few seconds, and then made a face. "Just which one _are_ you, anyway?"

"Aw, you can't guess?" Diamond pouted. "Really, there should be enough hints to know just by looking at me!"

Jade looked at her. Red hair, very long, very curly. Pale skin, and while it didn't sparkle in the midmorning sun, it did seem to glow. Brown eyes, though they were nearly hidden by her smile.

Her thoughts flashed back to the moment with the tea. Higher temperature than normal as well, then.

"You're Nessie." Jade stated, watching to see the reaction to her decision.

"Correction: I _was_ Renesmee Carlie Cullen. I'm not anymore. I'm so far removed from the person I used to be that saying 'I'm Diamond' is a lot more accurate than 'I'm Nessie.'" She shrugged, hopping up to sit on the back of the couch. "S*** happened. I'm not who I used to be, and at this point I've stopped caring."

"What changed?" Jade asked, taking the initiative as she was pretty much the only one that knew the series.

"The Collapse happened. I mean, first there was the crossover with—" Her voice momentarily became too fuzzy to make out, before fading back in, "—and then people died, and _then_ came The Collapse, and… like I said, s*** happened. It's over and done with now."

She was still grinning, lending her words an air of deceit.

"What _is_ The Collapse?"

"I'd prefer not to talk about that."

"Why not?" Yahiko threw in. Really, she could at least tell them _why_ she wouldn't like to talk about it, right?

"I'd prefer not to talk about that."

"Is it really that big of a de—" Deidara was cut off as, with a whoosh of air, a whip of blood wrapped around his neck.

Diamond was no longer smiling.

"Listen, buddy. If I say I don't want to talk about The Collapse, you drop the subject. Got it?"

Deidara nodded, dropping down to the ground as the whip disappeared.

The smile was back, but strained. "Good."

"Aaaaaaaand the light mood has been utterly shattered. Great going." Jashin said, clapping slowly and sarcastically.

"Stop being a f***tard, Jashin." Diamond snapped over at him.

"Alright, short-stack."

"I'm not _that_ short!" Diamond pouted at him, kicking her legs back and forth from her position on top of the couch.

With only a few words, Jashin had managed to lessen the tension. This was probably a very good thing.

"Listen…" Diamond sighed and put a hand to her face, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "Just… just don't press the issue if I say not to, alright? The Collapse is just something I don't want to talk about yet. I'll probably show you later anyways, but just drop it if I tell you to, alright? It's one of the few things I'm actually sensitive about, and…"

"Let's move on, shall we?" Jashin clapped his hands. He glanced over at Diamond, and put a hand behind his back. When he pulled it back out, he was holding a tray of cookies. "Hey, Diamond? I've got gingerbread."

"Cookies!" She lunged for them, pulling the tray to herself and cradling it so that none fell on the floor as she suffered the effects of gravity. "Mine!"

Jashin watched her for a few seconds and then turned back to the Akatsuki with a raised eyebrow. "The sad thing is that these last three seconds are closer to her normal behavior than anything else you've seen by now. All that's really left for it is a couple desiccated corpses to decorate the room."

"F*** you, Shin-chan!" The tray flew out of nowhere and smashed into the back of Jashin's head, bending around it like a cartoon. His expression just flattened out into exasperation.

"Calm down, you ditz." He reached back and pulled the tray off, and it disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The silence that followed confused them all. They turned to look at Diamond.

She was staring into thin air, mouth wide in amazement.

"Hey, Shin-chan…" She whispered. The blue-haired god raised an eyebrow again.

"Yeah?"

"We're gonna need _spoiler tags_ on the Tropes page now. Spoilers." Her head whipped around to him, and she dashed up and grabbed his shirt, dragging him down to eye-level with her. "Spoilers, you blue-haired, workaholic degenerate!"

"I get it! Let go!" He grabbed her hands and pulled them from his shirt. "It's not that big of a deal, dips***."

Her eyes were wide, her hands still trapped in his, and she was staring straight _into his soul_. "Spoilers, dude. _Spoilers._ And they're about _me._"

o.o.o.o.o

Phoenix repeatedly smashed her head into the wall. "Ow, ow, ow, ow…"

"What are you doing?" Silk walked into the room.

"Trying to give myself a virtual concussion."

"Because?"

"Diamond is an idiot, and if I get a virtual headache, I may forget about just how much of a ditz I've made her and how much my foot hurts from falling on the stairs and tearing it upon the carpet."

Silence. Phoenix groaned and rested her head against the wall instead of smashing into it. She turned her head to the side to look at Agent Silk. "What?"

"I'm just marveling at your complete lack of self-respect and sense of safety."

"Shut up, Silk. You're being irritating."

"Tea?" He held up a cup of tea, fine china.

"I'd say yes, but I can't actually drink it, you know." She turned her head on the wall, facing straight towards it once more. "Once again, I wish I could actually bring myself here, not just write myself in a virtual manifestation."

Silk stared for a couple more seconds, and then shook his head. "I'm closing this up."

Phoenix nodded. "That's a good idea."

o.o.o.o.o

Diamond was now staring at the ceiling with a smirk on her face. The spiked devil tail from before was lazily waving about in the air behind her, though the wings she now wore were… tiny.

"Ignore her." Jashin waved a hand dismissively in her direction. "You could ask me questions if you'd like. I don't mind. I mean, I finally have free time, so it's not like I'm in a panic like I was just a couple of months ago." He mused.

"In a panic?" Sasori asked, and then clarified as people looked towards him. "Obviously, the fiasco with the Juubi caused a lot of trouble, but just how much if you claim to have not had much free time?"

"It. Was. A. Mess. Especially after Hidan was buried and my temples destroyed." Jashin deadpanned. "You have no idea how much of a mess it is to allocate such tiny amounts of energy to dozens of necessary places in the demon realm, like the hospitals, the fields, and dozens of other places, mixed in with frequent rebellions of demons that thought the best solution would be to just go and kidnap human souls and bring them back to the demon realm by hand, which are sometimes headed by A-rank demons that I have to take care of _myself_; on top of that, I'm the only one that has subjects capable of actually guarding the soul of the Rikudou Sennin from escaping into the reincarnation cycle _again_, and then after Hidan got buried I had to go into a self-induced coma and have a couple of demons hook me up to a generator so that I could personally supply the energy to the dimension and…" He took a deep breath, running a hand down his face as the other rested on his hip. "Sorry, just… sorry about that. I wasn't planning on ranting."

The Akatsuki stared at the god in front of them. Okay, so this was a little more than they expected.

Diamond poked Jashin in the side, and held up Itachi-the-kitten. "It's not kitty-Hidan, but at least it's something, right?"

"No, it's not the same."

*SPLASH* Diamond was suddenly gone, and had reappeared with a cup of water behind Hidan, who was once more a kitten. She picked him up and held him out to Jashin with both hands.

"This better?"

Jashin rolled his eyes and sat down on the couch again, taking Hidan from the diminutive redhead. "I'm just gonna take him away from you before you do something destructive."

The second that Jashin started petting, Hidan started purring.

…Half the sentences in the last page would sound completely ridiculous out of context. They sound ridiculous even _in_ context.

"Just how many hours did you work?" Deidara asked, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.

"All of them." Jashin answered promptly.

…

…Chirping crickets…

…

…Oh, look! Tumbleweed!

…

…

"Huh?"

"I'm a god. I don't need sleep. I don't need food, drink, bathroom breaks, companionship… when I say that I work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I really mean it. Towards the end, I was getting about one night off every three months. That's about twelve hours of fun after about one and a half thousand hours of mind-numbing paperwork and insane rebellions."

The Akatsuki were, understandably, rather taken aback.

"And now he has free time!" Diamond popped up from behind Kisame's shoulder, waving one arm like a madwoman. "So we get to go drinking again!"

She tilted her head to the side a little, "…Ish."

"Diamond, we're not getting into that. We are _not_ discussing the Mind Hive." Jashin reprimanded her.

Diamond pouted. "Aw…"

*Spritz*

"Shin-chan! Why'd you get the d*** spray bottle out fr—?"

*Spritz*

"Jashin, you a**!"

"How long are you two going to stay here?" Jade asked. Her arms were crossed and her voice was low, irritated. Her eyes were lidded, showing just how annoyed she was currently feeling.

Several moments passed as she stared directly at the two invaders, to whom she registered as little more than a gnat, in terms of power. Suddenly, Diamond's smile brightened.

"Splat!"

She exploded.

Jade blinked. She blinked again. Her stomach started to turn a little as she realized that _her living room was covered in blood_.

Blood splattered every last centimeter of the room, people included. It oozed down the walls and dripped from the ceiling. It misted in the air and got in their mouths, sending the tangy taste of rusty blood whizzing through their taste buds, paired with a taste so sweet it was almost sickly. It drenched their hair and clothes, and the only thing untouched in the entire room was Jashin, who wore an expression implying that this was a frequent occurrence. He ran a hand down his face.

"D*** it, Di. Was that really necessary?"

The blood lifted itself from where it had landed, floating in the air like tiny red rubies on invisible strings. The blood began to spin around the room, finally whirling down into itself again, and resolving it into Agent Diamond.

There wasn't a single stain left.

"Thank you, thank you." Diamond bowed to the Akatsuki, giggling a little. She hop-skipped back over to Jashin, and clambered up to sit on his shoulders like a demented parakeet.

"You're such a _dumba**_." He rolled his eyes again. I think he's quite justified in that opinion.

"Phoenix, stop being _mean_!" Diamond whined at the ceiling, pouting. She wrapped her arms around Jashin's neck, cupping her hands under his chin in a way that made it look like she was about to tear his head off. "Please?"

No can do, dear.

"Bah." She suddenly straightened up. "Shin-chan! We're going, like, right now! Bleach 'verse. Hueco Mundo. Find a horde of Gillian, and _beat the s*** outta them_."

He seemed to contemplate that for a second. "Yeah, okay. Goodbye, little shinobi. Don't be strangers!"

A portal sprouted from Diamond's watch, and the two charged in, Diamond still on Jashin's back, and both screaming like idiots.

The portal closed up, and Jade walked off, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes. "I really need some more sleep if I'm gonna have to deal with s*** like this in the morning."

"Hey guys?" Yahiko said, and everyone still present turned towards him. He was standing next to Kakuzu, poking him in the shoulder. "I think the old guy's in shock."

There was no response from said 'old guy,' and only kitten-laughter coming from Hidan.

Nagato pinched the bridge of his nose. "Of course he is."

o.o.o.o.o

"What do you think your chances of being flamed are?" Silk asked, leaning back in his seat. He held his cup of tea just so, and not a drop was in danger of spilling onto his fine _silk_ jacket.

"Erm… not too bad, I think." Phoenix mused. "I mean, I've made it pretty clear that she's nowhere near the same person she used to be, and Chimera's not the same person _he_ used to be either, though he's closer."

"He's also from a different fandom with very different rules." Silk pointed out.

Phoenix waved a hand dismissively. "Details. Point is, I don't think my chances of being flamed are bad unless I mention wanting a rec again."

Silk stared at her. "Really? Did you honestly just shoehorn in another request for a rec? Right after mentioning that you might be flamed for it?"

Phoenix nodded, grinning. "Absolutely!"

Silk felt that indescribable urge to bash one's head against something very hard.

"Oh, and we have to remind them to leave little notes for the characters too, since we're planning on doing an MKL-esque question and answer chapter soon."

"Phoenix… just, just stop. Please."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I'll stop it there for now. So…**

**Raise your hands, who was surprised at Di's identity?**

**Also: as shown by this fic, I really like kitten-fics, as well as Akatsuki-come-to-the-real-world-fics. If you know a good one of either genre, feel free to suggest one. Tell me honestly which kitten-fic that you've read you would consider the best. Don't take mine into consideration, because that would skew the results since I'm the one asking, and you're all a little too nice for your own goods, and may stroke my ego despite my less-than-stellar writing.  
**

**Personally, I think the best kitten-fic I've read is An Angel, A Devil, and the Akatsuki. How about you?  
**


	15. A Bit of Friendly Advice

**A/N: I chose the wide array of books based on the type of stuff that's lying around my house. I have a lot of books… including each book mentioned prior to Sasori's. Even the shark one.**

**I was actually using the books at my house to make sure that I didn't accidentally turn Jade's house into a library with every book you could imagine, but that may have been a mistake.**

o.o.o.o.o

Her name was Kate.

You may be wondering what I mean. No worries, my reader; all shall be explained. First, a description of Kate, in the standard manner that every author uses to introduce a new character at the beginning of their career.

She was tall and blonde. She had green eyes and freckles, and a smile that shone like the sun. Kate came from a middle class family, and both her parents were still alive and together. She had a little brother and sister, twins, and a small dog that she'd gotten from the shelter when she was ten.

Kate was sixteen years old, though she'd be turning seventeen in only a few weeks. She was on the school's cross-country team, and fairly popular. She had a 3.8 GPA, and was in the IB program like Jade. She, as with most OCs, had a liking of anime and manga, though she didn't obsess over it to the extent that most do; she did, however, obsess a little more than Jade, not that that's particularly difficult. Overall, Kate was a little above average, and was proud to say that she was as happy with her life as it was. The one complaint that she had, if she was asked, was that her best friend was a little too antisocial, and they rarely saw each other outside of school.

That best friend was Jade.

Now, Kate had always tried to get the girl to be a bit more outgoing, but she'd slammed her walls down even more than usual in the past two months, though it was hard to tell. Fortunately, Kate had her own car, and decided to surprise her best friend by popping in after school on a Friday that she _knew_ the girl would be home.

I'm sure you can all see where this is heading.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade always listened to music as she worked. Today, she had turned it on rather loudly, and so did not hear the doorbell when it rang the first time. She heard it the second time, but by then it was too late. Tobi had already opened the door.

She dashed down the stairs after heard the voices, hoping against hope that Tobi hadn't talked too much, hadn't spoken his terrible broken English—though she suspected that that bit was just an act, like the rest of his idiocy—or, God/Jashin/Phoenix (that b****)/_whoever_ forbid, started speaking in third person. She stopped on the stairs, remembering the mask as she saw the two talking, and noticed the confusion on Kate's face, paired with dawning understanding, though probably coming to the wrong conclusion.

"Knock her out." She whispered it, knowing that Tobi would hear her, and Kate would not.

A fraction of a second later, the blonde was falling forward, eyes closing, and Tobi was standing behind her with a still-lifted knife-hand. He caught Kate, and looked up at Jade.

"What should Tobi do?" Asking her for instructions, but using a dark voice. Speaking in third person, but with reasonable grammar.

D***, that was creepy. It almost made Jade shiver.

"Take her to the couch."

_You idiot. Why did you come?_

o.o.o.o.o

Kate woke up slowly, not bothering to really try to figure out what had happened to her, just drowsy. She sat up with a hand to the side of her head, pushing just enough to release that crick in her neck. She yawned, and opened her eyes.

What she saw was Jade. Jade was sitting on a stiff wooden chair in front of Kate, arms folded and a scowl on her face. "Kate. I told you not to come."

Kate blinked, thinking back. Right, there was a cosplayer… one that couldn't really speak English very well. Well, that wasn't exactly scandalous… maybe a little, if…

"Is it because of the cosplayer? Because if that's your new boyfriend—"

Jade made a face, cutting her off. "_Gods_, no. That's just… no. Why did you actually come?"

Kate frowned, folding her arms to mirror her friend. "You haven't been out of your house in months. I mean, you're plenty sociable at school, but you've been doing after school stuff even less than usual, and even normally you're pretty introverted. I just figured it would be best for you if I came by. I mean, I have your best interests in mind, here. The only new person I've even seen you talking to is that Japanese girl that came to check out the school."

Jade's expression had softened, and she unfolded her arms, cupping an elbow with one hand and rubbing her temple with the other. "I see, but… I've told you that there's been some trouble at my house recently and that I couldn't have anyone over. You couldn't have at least warned me?"

Kate shook her head. "You just would have told me to stay away. Now, who was that cosplayer? And where are those kittens you brought to school?"

Jade bit her lip, staring past Kate's head at the wall. If this situation was even happening, it was probable that Phoenix wouldn't let Kate leave the subject, the mystery, alone if Jade refused to explain things to her.

She let out a breath, knowing what she had to do, as annoying as it would be. "Follow me."

Jade got up and walked over to her kitchen, which was on the other side of the house, despite the rather small size of the building. She was lucky that her aunt let her have a house, rather than just an apartment. Then again, with that lady's finances…

Kate stared at the cats. They stared back. No one was actually moving other than Jade, who simply looked back and forth between them a few times.

"Well?" Jade was getting a little fed up.

"Jade… you didn't dye these cats, did you?"

"No."

"They came like this?"

"Sort of."

"Uh-huh." Kate continued to stare. "That… wasn't a cosplayer earlier, was it?"

"Unfortunately, no."

Kate nodded, still not blinking. "I'm just gonna say this is all a dream I had after reading too much fanfiction or something. If I pinch myself—"

"It's not a dream." Jade cut her off. "As for the fanfiction… we're in one. I've even sort of met the author." She paused a second. "She's a b****."

Kate looked at her. "Please tell me these aren't the actual Akatsuki."

Jade looked uncomfortable. "I would, but then I'd be lying."

Kate turned back to the kittens, and summed up the situation in two simple words:

"Well, f***."

o.o.o.o.o

"Let me get this straight: there's an author. She's d***ing around with our lives. She has _minions_. Jashin exists, along with Kami and the Shinigami. The Akatsuki are in your house as cats. Said criminals can't hurt you because of fear of retaliation from earlier mentioned author and minions. And you _agreed_ to this."

Jade shrugged, biting her lip. "Pretty much."

"Unbelievable. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one!" Kate accused her, pointing at her chest, eyes connecting and narrowed. "What possessed you to even take the kittens in?"

"Money."

Kate blinked. "Okay…?"

"They were oddly colored kittens, and they looked natural, at that. Breeders would have paid through the nose for them. On top of that, the letter on the box said that I would be paid, so…" Jade tilted her head to the side. "That's one thing I never understood about the other kitten stories: why would you assume that the kittens were given away because of their coloring? Not to mention, who would give away kittens like that in the first place? And, there's more, the people at pounds or pet stores or whatever just assume that no one will take them because of that. I mean, really, they're worth their weight in gold, though not quite literally…"

Kakuzu was staring at the girl with newfound respect; not much, of course, since she was just a civilian, but approval nonetheless. If money was her sole reason for taking them in in the first place, she was smarter than she looked. Still, one example of smart behavior wasn't enough. He'd have to keep further track of her habits now. Maybe he could give her a few tips, if she was planning on working in any area that revolved around money. Revolved around it more than the rest of the world, that is.

Hidan slammed his head against the wall in lieu of a facepalm.

Kate waved that away. "Okay, so you had a reason to take the kittens in. Fine. But why did you agree to keep them after figuring out who they were? We've had this conversation before; you're the one that convinced me that a situation like this would be a bad thing in the first place!"

"And I stand by that decision. If I hadn't been given what amounts to complete immunity to everything by the author, I would have panicked after just a few seconds. _Maybe_ tried to reason with them while they were still small and relatively helpless, and thus vulnerable to civilians like us, and definitely panicked and tried to reason if they just showed up human and threatened to kill me to figure out what happened, but as it was… look, they paid me, alright? I need some pocket money; Aunt Rosa only sends me enough for food and the bills, and only a few dollars of 'spend as you will' money on the side."

"You agreed to take care of mass murderers because they paid you." Kate deadpanned.

"And my life was not in any danger. Besides, they interest me. Just imagine what kind of science must be behind some of their techniques once you factor out the fantastical elements. The Raiton alone are enough to spark a person's interest. Add in the other elements, things like the gentle fist, and _genjutsu…_"

"I get it; I get it." Kate pouted. "But why didn't you tell me?"

Jade gave her a glare, albeit a soft one. "I haven't told anyone. Not a single person. I figured that the fewer people that knew, the better."

She tilted her head downwards a little, and suddenly seemed just the slightest bit intimidating. "You're not going to tell anyone, right?"

Kate shook her head, knowing that her friend wasn't too serious about any threat that may have been behind that. "I know. Not a single person. No gloating online, no telling just one person because I can't handle the pressure, no pictures, nothing."

"Good girl." A strange look crossed Jade's face. "By the way, the author's minions have given me a couple of spoilers, a couple of _months_ in advance. You game?"

Kate tilted her head to the side, glancing over at the kittens, some of whom were ignoring the girls, and some of whom were staring intently. "Are you sure?"

"I only need one word, and you'll understand. They won't." Jade leaned in, a nasty smirk on her face.

"What?" Kate wouldn't really say that she was bursting from anticipation, but…

"ToMaTo."

There was a pregnant pause.

Kate dropped her head into her hands. "Kishi, you b******."

Jade smirked.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade leaned back in her chair, glad that that was finally over. Looking out the window, she saw Kate drive off in her Camry (almost brand-new when she got it… then again, it was a gift for near perfect SAT-scores from her parents).

She looked over at the cats. "Well, at least I won't be getting much homework soon. On the downside, IB exams are coming up… at least I only have to take my psychology SL… Ugh, next year is going to be h***."

It is. Take my word for it readers: IB DP Junior Year is the hardest year of your schooling experience. And then Senior Year is just a tiny bit worse. I've lived it.

"Mrow…" She glanced down to see, of all cats, Kakuzu—though she still sometimes thought of him as Forrest, as short as that stint had been—looking up at her. She raised an eyebrow, knowing that there could only be one reason for him to come up to her like this.

"Do you just want to be human for the h*** of it, or do you actually need to discuss something with me?"

A nod. Probably the second then. Of course, Kakuzu was serious enough to not bother changing back to human unless it was absolutely necessary, knowing Jade's reasons for keeping them in the first place. Not that she knew that…

"Do you need Hidan for translations?"

A vicious shake of the head was her answer. Was it his pride?

"Alright."

Several minutes later, she was facing a man that towered over her by half a foot. "Well?"

"You have us because of money." It was a statement. Not a very properly worded one, but the intent and meaning behind it were clear.

Jade raised an eyebrow. He _would_ latch onto that part of her conversation with Kate, wouldn't he? "Yes. Your point?"

"Smart girl." Was that approval in his eyes? Interesting.

"Well, what did you want? I mean, I'm not the kind of girl that'll turn away compliments and, knowing who you are the way I do, that was a pretty good one, but I'm sure there was something more."

"The economy." A word that most people wouldn't have bothered with learning until much later on in their English courses, but this was Kakuzu. "Here… What is it like?"

Jade blinked and then smirked. She raised a hand, pointer finger up. "Give me a minute. I've been in a few businesses classes over these past few years, so I may have a book or two upstairs that you might be interested in, even if they are in English." She dashed away up the stairs.

Well, that was one Akatsuki that had somehow managed to set up an unlikely friendship with Jade. Sure, there was Deidara, but that didn't exactly fall under the 'unlikely' label.

o.o.o.o.o

The Akatsuki had finally finished up all the English books they'd been given, and the doujutsu users had even memorized the dictionaries, for all the good it did them; Hidan was still the best. However, they couldn't exactly talk with Jade much due to her studies, so they had to do something to develop their skills, and TV wouldn't quite cut it.

Oh, they knew how to use the TV. They had those back there, and they'd even learnt to use the DVD player as well, so there.

Well, okay, they'd only just learnt a few days ago, and Sasori was the only one that could use it so far, and the same went for the computer and a dozen other things—his puppetry skills were so similar to engineering that he and the technology here just seemed to… _click_—but that didn't mean much, right? The language that they heard from the television was good for colloquialism, but they needed some books or something to get their actual language skills up a little more.

The fact that they were tempted to watch the show they knew they hailed from had nothing to do with it. Neither did the fact that someone always seemed to be getting teased when they watched something, and that Nagato had gotten decidedly fed up with all the in-fighting. No, those things had nothing to do with that decision at all.

Not at all.

They all tried to find something. Hidan resigned himself to loudly mocking the Bible as he read it while proclaiming how much better Jashin was. Kakuzu stuck to the business books that Jade had started borrowing from the library for him; the actually talked them over once in a while, and he even deigned to teach her more about what he knew from decades of experience of his own. Nagato had taken to reading some history books, and Yahiko and Konan switched between that and some random novels around the house. Nagato seemed to have some sort of disgusted fascination with World War II; he hated it, but he couldn't look away.

Deidara read the adventure novels, loving the fantastical the most. After reading a certain set of books, he couldn't stop giggling at Hidan for a few days. He also read a book that Jade had suggested on the grounds that it was where she'd chosen Sasori's name from… he loved it. Sure, a civilian may have found it paranoia-inducing, but he just found it funny.

Zetsu found a book about local plants. Sure, there weren't many that were very different from back in their world, but he found it interesting all the same. The research done in this world was from a completely different angle and on completely different aspects than anything back home, so it certainly held his interest.

Tobi read whatever he randomly grabbed. This made things a little awkward when he grabbed a book on horses and asked Deidara why the boy horsie was climbing onto the girl one; the page was talking about breeding. Deidara just stared at him, open-mouthed and horrified.

…Obito… you're such an a**…

Kisame found some books on animals, and even a book purely on Hawaiian sharks. Jade just shrugged, her answer being, "Garage sale." After he finished them, he moved along to the novels, just like many others who had finished up what they were doing.

Itachi looked at her complete set of Shakespeare, one that, according to the inside page, was printed in the 1920s. After a few, he moved onto the newer novels that had modern language, after Jade finally noticed what he was reading and told him that he probably wasn't going to get more than a little help from centuries-old plays.

Sasori had found himself at a bit of a loss as for what to read, and actually asked Jade for help. I know this may seem out of character to you, but it really isn't. Each and every last Akatsuki member had started ragging on Sasori for being, as Hidan so eloquently put it, "A f***in' b**** on her period, seriously." They seemed to, despite the fact that they were criminals, and were thus _supposed_ to be heartless fiends, actually _care_ about being, of all things, _nice_. Not a single one of them let him forget it.

Ergo, he had needed to make an active effort to actually try and be, of all things, _nice_ and _friendly_ and _gah!_ His efforts were, to the rest of the Akatsuki, barely noticeable. He was really _that_ bad at it. Asking for help as opposed to being a stubborn b****** might make the others stop bothering him. It was annoying.

He asked, of course. Through gritted teeth and with great reluctance, but he did ask. The smirk on that girls face… so insolent, so childishly _malicious_, it irritated him. But he kept his temper, as terrible as it was now that he actually had to deal with these terrible _hormones_ again, and followed her when she beckoned him up the stairs behind her.

And then he fell in love.

No, not with Jade. That would be pedophilia, and pedophilia is bad. And she'd probably scream and get the other occupants of the house to keep away the creeper and just… just no.

These books… they held so much beyond what he ever could have found or done back in the Elemental Countries! He'd never heard of some of these things before, they were beyond anything that even Yuki no Kuni produced. An offhand comment from Jade revealed that these books were her brother's, and the boy was off studying somewhere to learn how to build, of all things, planes, these ridiculous _flying machines_. There were those things called helicopters too, things that he'd seen on the television once or twice but not quite believed, especially since they were right next to things that were commented on being impossible in-film.

He needed to learn this.

Sasori couldn't keep his eyes off the books after that. Reading one after another, and finally just calming down enough that no one bother him about his 'attitude problem' anymore, he fairly _devoured_ them to find out what he could about the local engineering. Just the concept of the motor would be enough to give him an enormous edge in the middle of a fight, and the rest….

He wanted it all.

He even ignored Jade when she smirked and said she was going to hug him! She even went ahead and did it, probably just to get a rise out of him. Whatever, she deserved it for getting him information like this. Just let him find out more.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: At my current plans, PC involvement is going to drop drastically for the next few chapters in favor of interaction between the Akatsuki and Jade. Oh, and to tease Pein and Konan. I'm definitely going to do that.**

**Also, what does it take for you guys to review? Tell me, and I'll do it. Or at least consider it; I'm not going to write a lemon or a pairing that I don't approve of, but… I mean, I even dropped a huge information bomb in the last chapter and… nothing. What am I doing wrong?**


	16. Kidnappers, Weasels, Communism, Kisses

**A/N: The last chapter focused on Kate, Kakuzu, and Sasori, and their relationship to Jade. This chapter will focus on Itachi, Deidara, and a small situation with Tobi.**

o.o.o.o.o

Jade flinched as the door to her room slammed open, unnecessarily showing exactly who had found it a good idea to blast into her room shouting their head off.

"Tobi, please don't bang my doors. They're expensive to replace, and I just don't have that kind of money."

Tobi tilted his head to the side. "Eh? Jade-chan can go to currency exchange office for different money type, right?" While the Sharingan allowed Tobi to memorize the translation dictionary, he still needed practice to inundate himself with the grammar and the nuances of the English language.

"That's… no, Tobi. What I meant is that I don't have quite that much money for frivolous expenditures, much as I wish I did." She turned in her swivel chair, facing him. "What do you need?"

Tobi clapped his hands. "Oh! Tobi wanted to show Jade-chan book he found! Tobi think it is his new favorite book!"

He shoved it into her face, far too close for her to be able to see properly. "See?"

"Not quite." Jade reached up and plucked the book out of her face and Tobi's hands, readjusting her glasses with her other hand as she did so. She glanced down and paled. "That's, er, very nice Tobi. Just keep in mind that most of the people that tried this failed miserably."

"Oh, Tobi knows! But Tobi like the ideas behind it!" He ran off.

Jade cupped a hand around her mouth and called after him. "Send Nagato up while you're down there!"

Less than a minute later, the leader of Akatsuki pushed open the door and walked in. "Yes?"

Jade had her arms crossed. "Who the h*** gave Tobi a copy of the Communist Manifesto?"

Nagato blinked, and then disbelief crossed his face. "Someone gave him a copy of _what?!_"

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara lay on his back on the floor in a room on the top story of Jade's house, human. "I'm so bored, un. Can't train, can't read more books than I already have, can't make my art…"

"What you _think_ is art."

"Shut up, Danna." Deidara pouted. "I need something new to do!"

A portal opened up, and out stepped Agent Sapphire. She took one look around the room, and pointed at Sasori. "You. You're coming with me."

Sasori blinked. "What?"

"Why, un?"

"You're helping us troll Hitler at the '36 Berlin Olympics, doll."

"Wait, wha—?"

She grabbed Sasori's arm and pulled him into the portal with her. It closed up behind them, leaving Deidara alone.

He stared for a few seconds, then grunted and threw himself back onto the bed again. He, as ashamed as he was to admit it, began to whine. "Now I'm even more bored than before!"

The portal opened up for a second and a box came flying out, headed to his head, the blue circle closing up nary a second later. He looked at the box, taking a glance at the card taped to the top.

_This is a guitar. There's a book to learn too, and another on just Flamenco, for the h*** of it. Have fun, and for the love of all that is good and holy, __stop whining__. It's giving us Agents a headache, even if Phoenix thinks it's adorable._

Deidara let his brain process what had been said before frowning and unpacking the box. "Okay…"

o.o.o.o.o

Deidara wasn't the only one to receive a little gift that day. Down below, Yahiko blinked at the box that came out in front of him. Given the fact that he was currently in kitten form, the box was larger than he was.

He padded over and hopped up on top of the box, raking his claws just right down the tape so that he could open it. He nudged it open with his nose, blinking down at the shiny apparatus inside.

Was that a camera?

o.o.o.o.o

Jade shooed all the kittens back into the pen, adamant that they stay there instead of sleeping human. They could stay human during the day if they could stay quiet, but she didn't want to have to put up with designing sleeping arrangements during the night, so kittens they stayed. Sure, it was too early to go to bed, but she needed time to study for her History final.

She frowned as she realized someone was missing. "Where's Sasori?"

Deidara began to mewl.

"Alright, but only for a few minutes."

She sprayed him with the warm water from the sink. He shook his head a little in order to dry it out a bit.

"Well?"

"Agent took him, un."

She blinked. "Which one?"

Deidara shrugged… and then irritation crossed his face. "Same name you gave kitten me, un."

Jade thought for a few seconds, knowing that she should be able to remember their kitten names more quickly in case someone did the same thing as Kate, but with less of an intent to keep the secret a secret.

"Agent Sapphire? Is she the one that gave you the guitar as well?" She hadn't really bothered to ask when she'd heard him fumble his way through the strings like any beginner, not really caring.

"Yes. She said…" He thought back, trying to translate the Japanese he'd heard to English. "They take him to help… troll… a man, un. Ah… they mention…"

"Don't hurt yourself, dear. Your brain isn't used to working so much." Jade said as the time it took to explain took its toll on her patience. Deidara sent her a dirty look.

"She mention name and year, un. Thirty-six, and Berlin, and Hitler."

"What?!" She stared at Deidara. "They took him to troll Hitler?! Of all the people… Sasori… That lucky little b******! He gets to make a fool out of a man the whole world hates."

She turned around and stalked off. Deidara stared after her. He glanced back down at the cats, a grin slowly forming…

"And get back to cat form, blondie!"

Deidara's face fell. D***it.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori was returned to them the next day, but refused to talk about his… experiences. The only thing he said was that they'd probably find out soon enough anyway. Besides, it wasn't like it had occurred in this dimension anyway, so it really had no effect on their lives past his day-long absence.

Jade held Itachi in her lap, carding her fingers through his fur. She was surprised to remember that, of all the cats she'd received, Itachi was the only one that had yet to find a way to return to human form.

She glanced at the TV, weighing her options. It had worked for four members already, so it was unlikely that it would work now, and she could only think of one song anyway, but it was worth a shot. She set Itachi down on the ground as she got things ready.

She quickly went to YouTube and opened a video, biting her lip in a sad attempt to hide her smile as the lyrics and visuals came up.

"_Faces filled with joy and cheer,  
What a magical time of year,  
Howdy Ho! It's Weasel Stomping Day!  
Put your Viking helmet on,  
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn,  
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day!_

"_All the little girls and boys,  
Love that wonderful crunching noise,  
You'll know what this day's about,  
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out!_

"_So, come along and have a laugh,  
Snap their weasel-y spines in half,  
Grab your boots and stomp your cares away!  
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day!"_

Itachi was staring at the TV in what may have been interest, but may have just as easily been horror or outright confusion at the complete absurdity of it all. There may have, and that's a big maybe—_not_—also been a chance that there was muffled laughter making its way in from the hallway.

Jade sighed as she realized that, despite the song—which she suspected Sasuke would have liked prior to finding out the truth behind the massacre—Itachi was still a kitten.

She leaned forward, propping up a hand to hold up her chin as she ran a hand through the obsidian cat's fur again. "Well… maybe it has something to do with your Sharingan?"

He glanced up at her, but looked away a second later, settling back down into the more comfortable position he'd occupied seconds earlier.

Jade frowned a little as she picked him up and placed him back in her lap, ignoring the laughter that still came from the hallway. "Have you turned it on while here yet?"

He turned his head to look at her, spinning the Sharingan the same way that he did back in chapter five. A second later, it morphed into the familiar pinwheel shape that she'd seen on a screen countless times.

No transformation.

She bit her lip, glancing around the room. "Maybe… maybe if you looked at it in a mirror? Put yourself in your own Tsukuyomi?"

He gave her a withering look.

"Don't give me that look. Deidara's cure was being stuck in an oven. Sasori's was being dunked in magical sawdust. It's not exactly a stretch compared to those."

Itachi rolled his eyes and walked over to the hanging wall mirror. Less than a second later, a man was standing where there was once a cat. Jade grinned under the hand covering her eyes. "Told you it would work. Now, go get a towel so I can get your cl—"

"Henge."

Jade took her hand down and stared with a quirked eyebrow. "Smart-a**."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade blinked as she felt a pair of hands on the back of her neck. They began to massage, rather nicely too.

"Not that I don't appreciate this, but who are you?"

"Who do you think, un?"

"Ah." Jade leaned back in her chair, away from the formulas on the table. "Well, keep going. It feels nice, and I could use a bit of a de-stressor." She let her head fall forward, enjoying the pressure that was on the backs of her shoulders.

"You have a lot of knots, un."

"Shut up. This is the first massage I've had in ages, and IB isn't exactly the most stress-free of programs."

The hands left her shoulders, and she looked over to see the blond leaning against the wall, arms crossed. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Really." Jade stared at him dubiously. "I know you're a ninja, but that really isn't going to work on me."

He smirked and shrugged. "It was a worth a shot, un."

"Just tell me what it is that made you stop helping my poor, aching shoulders."

He let out a snort of laughter. A second later, he had come over and pulled her out of her chair, standing her straight. He proceeded to walk around her, examining her like a professional equestrian buying a horse.

"What are you doing?"

"You're too average, un." He said, prompting a spluttered and choked laugh to fall from her lips. "Too many taijutsu styles."

"You were trying to figure out a taijutsu style for me? That… is kind of nice. Or maybe…" She grabbed his arm, rounding on him. "You were just looking for an excuse to stare at my lithe little body."

The smirk on her face was teasing, and both knew that there was nothing behind it.

"No, I don't think so. You are…" He leaned in to whisper into her ear. "A hundred years too young to keep up with me there, un."

"Just two, and legal, even." Jade walked over to her bed, sitting down.

"Legal?" Deidara followed her, sitting down about a foot away.

Jade tried to find a way to explain. "Um… in the US, a person over the age of eighteen can't legally be involved with someone under the age of eighteen. It's called statutory rape if they do."

Deidara frowned. "I'm older than eighteen. You aren't, un."

The brunette shrugged. "Every state is a little different, but we're in Colorado right now. Local rules state that it's legal if the age difference is less than three years, which is a reasonable range for romantic relationships. If I were to try to start a relationship with any of the Akatsuki, you're the one I would choose, if only because the others are too old for me. It's been culturally ingrained, I guess."

Deidara stared at her for a few seconds. "You said it's legal, un."

"Yes, why?"

"But you wouldn't want a romance with an Akatsuki member, un?"

"Of course not. You guys are going back to your home dimension at some point, and I like my world better than yours. It would be completely impractical." Jade dismissed the notion easily.

Deidara nodded, shifting a little closer. "But… what about just once?"

Jade froze.

"Deidara, if you are suggesting having sex with me in a one night stand, I'm turning you into a kitten and taking you to the vet to be neutered."

"Not sex, just…" He trailed off, and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I'm a nineteen-year-old boy, un. I have the same wants and needs as any other guy. You're the only girl in this place other than Konan that I see all the time, un. You're pretty enough to at least interest me…" He shrugged, trailing off again.

"So… you're suggesting a one-time hookup that doesn't go too far. Basically…" She shifted away as she finally realized how close he'd gotten. "You wanna make out?"

He tilted his head to the side. "What?"

She rolled her eyes. "One night. Lots of kissing, but we'd keep all our clothes on."

He mulled the idea over. "Yes."

Jade glanced at the clock. It was eight, but since it was a Friday night and she had nothing to do in the morning…

"Fine." She turned back to the bomber. "I haven't been in a relationship in a while either, not since a few months before I found you guys at my door. One time, no emotions attached. Rules: you don't take off my clothes or yours; you keep your hands outside of said clothes; you do something to keep the rest from finding out what we're doing; if I say stop, you _stop_; if I feel like doing something more, I'll tell you, but I intend on staying a virgin, so it's unlikely to go far; lastly, no hickies."

"What are…?"

"Love bites. You know, leaving bruises on a someone's neck to show that they're yours."

Comprehension dawned, along with a little disappointment. "Alright."

Jade nodded. "Now, about the noise and keeping people from coming in?"

Deidara nodded. "I learned a seal from Kisame for keeping room quiet, un. It's supposed to be to keep information secret, but we can use it here, un."

"Do it."

He did, and then came over to her, sitting down on the bed next to her.

"Careful with those hand-mouths, alright?"

"Hai, un." He raised one hand up to cup her chin, using his other to remove her glasses and place them carefully on the side table. He stared at her eyes for a second before leaning in, his own eyelids lowering halfway. Hers did the same.

Their lips met softly, chaste. It was a sweet kiss, and they both tasted a bit of the sugary frosting from the glazed donuts they'd eaten earlier in the day. One of his hands came up to rest on her shoulder, while the one on her chin moved around to the back of her head. Jade, in turn, shifted in her seat to comfortably wrap her arms around his neck.

They broke apart and looked each other straight in the eye. Jade quirked an eyebrow. "We need a little more fire, I think."

Deidara smirked and leaned back in for another kiss, making sure that it was what many would call searing, pressing his mouth to hers far more roughly than before. The answering smirk that he felt from her only made his own grin widen.

He tilted his head a little more than it had been, letting his hand drift down her side and settle around her waist, pulling her closer. Contrary to what he'd expected, she made the first move to deepen the kiss, darting her tongue out to meet his lips in small, teasing probes. After the first few, he obliged by opening his mouth, allowing her in.

Their tongues danced the common dance, exploring each other's moist, warm caverns as tongues in such situations are wont to do. Deidara felt Jade's arms tighten around his neck, even as he moved to place them both horizontally on the bed. The hand behind Jade's head moved to hold her back as he lowered her to the bed, the other being used to support both their weight as he did so.

He pulled back a bit, nipping at her lip as he did, nearly feeling the irritated pout that he was sure was there by now. He began kissing along her jawline, wanting to hear the girl beneath him moan his name, even if they weren't going to go very far.

He was rewarded with a small whine, as breathy as a sigh. "Dei…"

He took the opportunity to lick her neck, hoping it got the same response he usually got. His answer came as Jade shivered, a small mewl coming from her mouth as he moved to nibble at her ear. Her hands were fisted in his hair, and he chuckled.

"Shut up, I'm just a little sensitive."

"Sure." He moved back to kiss her on the lips some more, one thumb rubbing along her cheekbone. Jade shuddered as she felt his hand massage her hip, thinking that she would have worn something thicker than yoga pants if she'd known the situation she'd be getting into later that night.

"Take your shirt off." She ordered, feeling a little bolder than she normally would have, especially as she was the one that had set up the rules. Oh well, at least she had a plausible excuse.

Deidara pulled back, hovering above her with an inquisitive look in his eye. His cheeks were red, his breath coming faster than normal, and a sheen of lust covering the expression that she'd already noticed in his eye. Jade knew that she must look even more extreme, though the blush would hopefully not be as pronounced due to her slightly darker skin.

"Why? You said not to, un."

She smirked up at him and the surprised look on his face. "I want to see that fourth mouth of yours. Now take off your shirt before you ruin the mood."

I'm sure I don't need to explain the rest. Besides, it's not like they broke any rules after that.

Though they did fall asleep in the same bed later that night. Heheh, oops.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: The things parodied and/or examined in this chapter are…**

**1. How Akatsuki must react to being left alone all day and not being allowed to participate in their normal activities. They all get hobbies.**

**2. Yet another form of cure, relying on accessing their prior abilities, which I've seen before.**

**3. Tobi's Eternal Tsukuyomi plan, which he mentions involves abandoning individuality. Personally, I think that's pretty reminiscent of communism. Note: I don't think Communism is inherently evil. But calling Tobi a communist is something I find amusing.**

**4. Romance in cross-dimensional settings, which I find a little awkward, because it's sure to end in heartbreak for at least one side of the equation. But, people were asking for romance, so… this is the best you'll get. They might hook up again, but for now… In any case, this is my first time even writing a kiss, emotionless as it was (or, well, the only emotion there really was happened to be lust). The way I wrote it was to be a bit… teasing towards other make-out scenes I've come across.**

**The Hitler thing will be explained in an omake, hopefully next chapter.**

**Now, choices for the many omake to come:**

**A series that shows what would have happened had a member of the PC replaced Kakashi as the Jounin sensei of team seven.**

**A series that shows what the PC do with their free time.**

**A series about the 'complex' and 'intriguing' dynamics between the three gods.**

**A little Gaara-based short featuring Diamond and Chimera.**

**The adventures of Diamond and her boys (Chimera and Jashin).**

**What the Akatsuki do when Jade isn't home.  
**

**Suggestions?**

**You don't have to choose just one, but try to tell me why you'd like one as opposed to the others.  
**

**Also, I have a poll up. It's not about the above list, but I think you'll find it interesting all the same. Go check it out.**

**Please trope and review,**

**Phoenix**


	17. Reviews are Fun to Read

**A/N: About they're linguistic skills… I've found that the best way to make them speak like foreigners but not like idiots is to do away with contractions. **_**Do not**_** instead of **_**don't**_**, **_**I have**_** instead of **_**I've**_**, etc.**

o.o.o.o.o

Jade blinked as the morning light filtered through her blinds, waking up to find herself entrenched in a pair of strong arm holding her against a firm and very bare chest. Her face was pressed into said chest, which had a very interesting tattoo.

The memories of the night before trickled in, and she relaxed as she realized what had happened. Alright, so she'd hooked up with Deidara. They hadn't gone past making out, and the only clothes missing were Deidara's shirt, and her jacket, glasses, and socks, though that probably happened during the night, since she didn't remember taking them off and she had a tendency to kick off her socks in her sleep anyways.

Though having fallen asleep in the same bed was a bit awkward. Ah, well.

Her movement managed to wake up Deidara, who seemed to go through a similar thought process as her, lifting himself to prop himself up on one arm. He grinned down at her in a manner quite roguish, which only caused her to roll her eyes. She put her hands against his chest and pushed herself away, only to bump into the wall only a few inches away. Deidara smirked down, and her eyes narrowed…

And then caught sight of a certain splotch of color through the crook of his arm, on that _should not_ have been in her room. Her eyes widened, and she shot up, startling Deidara into falling backwards off the bed.

Yahiko stood there, smirking, with a video camera in his hands.

"Sweet, sweet humiliation."

He ran.

Deidara cursed and chased after him.

Jade stared at her doorway, then glanced at the floor where Deidara's shirt still lay. "Oh, f***."

She got up and headed downstairs, knowing that the day would just be one large headache.

When she got down, she found Deidara trussed up and on the floor, a gag in his mouth. There was a large smiley face in a hand drawn on his chest in silver sharpie. Yahiko was on the couch with Zetsu, Hidan, and Kisame, all watching the video with grins promising great embarrassment on their faces. Konan stood behind the couch, looking at it as well over Hidan's shoulder.

Kisame caught sight of Jade as she entered the room, and made an immediate start on the ribbing. "You and little Dei-chan, eh?" His accent was still stilted, but it did nothing to obscure his words.

"Shut up." Jade growled half-heartedly, going over to the cabinets to get a glass. She didn't bother glancing back at them as she started getting her breakfast out. "I do have a couple questions, though. Like…" She spun around and pointed accusingly at them. "Why are you all human?"

Faces fell, and they all pointed at Konan. She just rolled her eyes. "I notice that you were missing and assume that you were studying late again, and might not wake early enough to turn us back in a good time, so I spent the night on the couch."

Jade sighed and turned back to what she'd been doing, closing her eyes in mild annoyance, at the facts that someone had spent the night human (other than Deidara since she'd pretty much given a go ahead on that one), that said person had been Konan and chosen to sleep on the couch, and that most of the Akatsuki _still_ couldn't speak very well. Of course, they'd only been learning the language for a little under two months, so she couldn't blame Konan _too_ much. "Right. Okay then, who tied up Deidara and drew on him?"

All hands pointed at Hidan. He shrugged, "What? He was chasing Yahiko and I wanted to see the d*** video."

Jade bit her lip, a little more irritated. "Okay, and where did the video camera come from?"

Yahiko grinned. "Phoenix."

Jade muttered under her breath. "Of f***ing course." She spoke back up. "And how did you know the word _humiliation_ in the first place?"

"Humiliation, pathetic, embarrassment, dignity, pride." Yahiko listed off, still grinning. "All very good words. All very good for teasing."

Jade simply leveled a stare at him. "I'm glad that you're taking such interest in the language. What the h*** were you even doing in my room?"

"I looked for Deidara." He gave the bundle on the floor a small kick, eliciting a muffled shout from said blonde bundle.

"Let him up." Jade ordered, hoping they'd at least give listening a shot. "I think he's suffered enough."

She glanced down at a meow, realizing that there was a pair of red kittens at her feet. "Nagato, Sasori. Good morning, you two."

"Mrow…" This came from a spot behind her, accompanied by tiny claws digging into her pants at her knee. She looked down and behind, seeing Tobi—Rusty, she reminded herself—clinging to the back of her left leg. "Tobi. Get off, please. That's not particularly comfortable."

He obliged, and she grabbed the side sprays from next to sink, turning it to hot water and spritzing the three. "You clean up the water on the floor. And someone go take care of Deidara."

"Tobi think it's a bad idea to order missing nin to do things." Tobi told her sagely.

"Yes, well, Tobi's opinion doesn't matter. For now, I'll accept Nagato as a possible authority and anyone he deems responsible enough for it. You've done nothing to earn my respect Tobi." She turned away again, finally getting a head start on her breakfast. "And someone find Itachi and Kakuzu, I don't see them anywhere."

"Ano…" Kisame glanced away, rubbing the back of his head. "You know Itachi has a Sharingan. Sharingan can break illusions, even ones for sound."

Jade stilled, and even Deidara, still tied up and trying to shout around his gag quieted down.

"What."

"He couldn't sleep last night." Nagato informed them. "He didn't tell us why, but if what I've heard of the conversation so far is accurate…"

"We made out! That's barely anything, and we agreed to it being a onetime thing!"

"Right…" Snickers were coming from the adjoining room, and Jade glared over at the people in the living room.

A hiss came, and a large brown blur attached itself to Hidan's face, scratching and spitting, black threads trying to strangle the man.

"Kakuzu!" Nagato's voice was quiet, but it was forceful enough that Kakuzu stopped and left, shooting a dirty look over his shoulder at Hidan before he settled into the cat bed again, hoping to go back to sleep.

"Oh no, I don't think so." Jade grumbled. "We have a discussion that's needed. I was planning on waiting for the situation to get more extreme, but you guys have irritated me enough that we're talking about this now. Get those two changed," She indicated Kakuzu and Itachi, "and meet me in the living room."

"But—!" Tobi started.

"I don't give a s***. I don't give a c***. I don't give a _flying f***_ what the problem is." She stalked out.

Accusing eyes landed on Yahiko.

"What?"

o.o.o.o.o

"_What?!_"

Jade stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed. "My water and gas bills are getting too high. Phoenix may provide the money, but my aunt checks over all these and she's going to get curious about them.

"I'm decreasing your numbers to three people human per day at most. All showers and/or baths will be taken while in kitten form. I'm not budging on this."

"Not for a few chapters." Hidan added, then put his hands up as Jade turned to glare at him. "Oi, Phoenix will probably get bored by then and make it so that your bills are lower than how much you're using or something."

Jade kept glaring for a few seconds, and then threw up her hands in defeat. "You know what? Fine. Whatever. Until then though, you're following the rules."

There were a few seconds of silence after she left. Kakuzu grunted. "Smart girl."

"You just think that because she likes money almost as much as you do." Hidan frowned.

o.o.o.o.o

Moonstone walked along a hallway, leading right up to a door that was labeled: _AK: PCO (and sequels)_.

He pressed a hand to the wall, and watched as another door opened, a glowing line connecting it to the first. He opened the door checking that everything, even the fire, was in order. He then closed the door again, and pressed a hand to the door itself. A mail slot appeared, and he grinned.

"The Fourth Wall Mail Slot is complete. Let's have a little fun, shall we? MKL style, of course."

o.o.o.o.o

The ten kittens were all human. Jade was there. They were in a room that none had ever been in before. It was red and gold, and there was even a fireplace.

"Is this the Gryffindor common room?" Jade asked incredulously as she stared around. "We're in a _Naruto_ fanfic parody. Why are we in a Harry Potter room?"

A scrap of paper appeared before her, and she grabbed it and read silently.

_Technically, this form of connection to the reviewers was inspired by the method used in MegaKiraraLover's HPatWOJ story. As she always has the characters in the Gryffindor common room, so I'm paying tribute._

Jade took a deep breath, calming herself. "What will we be doing, then?"

Another scrap of paper: _Reading reviews of course. We've only gotten one that's directly addressed to you guys though. Pity, really. Of course, I'll do a bit of cleaning up. Not much though, just fixing capitalization and other things that are fine in a PM or review but not in a story._

"Oi, what's going on?" Deidara, clothed and free, called over, noticing the look on her face.

"Apparently, reading reviews on the story that we're in. I doubt any of us will get out unembarrassed."

"Unlikely." Itachi said. "There are too many of us in this room for us all to suffer in the word limit that the author places on herself, according to Hidan."

They turned to stare at the man. "What? There are two and a half thousand words left for the chapter. That isn't enough to embarrass all of us fully, especially since not all of us are actually mentioned in reviews. Especially people like Zetsu and Kisame. They do not have as many fangirls as the rest."

"Fangirls?" The look on Itachi's face was normal.

Beneath the surface he was panicking.

Jade rolled her eyes. "Oh please. If I've seen anything from Phoenix, she's going to ignore the fangirl messages and work with the ones that seem to actually have a point."

"Or she'll torture us with them."

"Shut up, Hidan." There were several voices saying this at varying times.

An envelope fluttered down from the ceiling, landing right in front of Jade. There was writing on the outside:

_As she's been very helpful throughout, and since this scene is partially based on her own stories, we'll be looking at MKL first. The other reason is that she's the only one that directly submitted a question._

_-Phoenix_

Jade skimmed that part, reading it aloud but not really bothering to listen to what she was saying. She opened the envelope, careful to avoid getting a paper cut, which would be bothersome considering she had an SL exam only a few days away and really didn't want to have to deal with a finger that would start bleeding in the middle of it. Yes, she was overreacting. Shut up, they're IB exams. She pulled out the sheaf of paper—not parchment, no matter what sort of room they were in—and read it aloud.

**MegaKiraraLover 11/10/12, Chapter 14**

**Wooooohoooooo! Me, me, me! QUESTION GUYS! What do you think Tobi looks like behind the mask? -evil smile- Tobi and those who have seen behind the mask aren't allowed to answer. Whether or not they notice these select few don't answer is up to you, of course, Phoenix-chaaaaan**

There was a pause as everyone turned to look at Tobi. Jade snorted mirthlessly. "I've already got a pretty good idea of what's behind there. They told me."

"I have seen it before.** Nothing special, really. Pretty ugly, if you ask me.** Hush, that is not a nice thing to say. Tobi is one of our oldest friends." Zetsu argued with himself, but quieted down after just that small line. There seemed to be a growling noise coming from the black half, but it was too quiet to tell.

"Jashin told me." Hidan said, shrugging. "You don't have to believe me, but…"

"What the h***, un?" Deidara huffed and crossed his arms. "How is that all of you know and I do not? I have been his partner for months! I've been trying to catch him without his mask for all this time and I still have not been able to!"

"That is because you are pathetic."

"Shut up, Danna."

"Maybe it is another mask." Yahiko joked, but looked taken aback at the sudden choked laughter coming from Jade.

"Er… Jade-san?" Konan watched her with concern. "Are you alright?"

Jade shook her head, calming down a little. "Sorry, but that's a bit of a meme in the fandom, though for a different character?"

"… A what?" Kakuzu finally asked.

"A meme. It's a ubiquitous line or picture that is well-known within the fandom simply _because_ of the fact that it's well known, often for the amount of irritation it can cause in the fandom or the level of humor. In this case, I've got to ask this: you all know who Hatake Kakashi is, right?" She looked over at Yahiko, making it very clear that he was the reason behind the question.

There were nods and murmurs of assent among the assorted ninjas.

"The first line of the meme is the question is: What's behind Kakashi's mask? Then people answer, often in capitals, or at least with an exclamation point, with the words: Another mask!" She shrugged. "Explained like this, it's not that funny, but they're in-jokes within the fandom. In any case, that particular meme arose from an episode where Team Seven, prior to Shippuden, spent an entire episode trying to figure out what he looked like behind his mask. They never succeeded, and when they finally did pull down the mask, there was another one underneath."

"Tobi only has one mask." The man in question offered up. "But Tobi really likes his mask. Tobi doesn't even take it off when he sleeps!"

Silence reigned. Itachi coughed. "Should we move on to the next question?"

"No, they probably want more answers." The line came from Kisame, surprisingly.

"True…" Nagato mused. "Alright, I'll give the option that his other eye is probably covered by some sort of bandage."

"Asymmetrical, definitely, un." Deidara said. "Probably a more tan spot on the right side of his face because of the mask hole."

"Part of his body will be unnatural, likely the right side. That entire side of his body is covered in bolted armor instead of the more normal stuff on his left. Ergo, his face must be similarly unnatural."

People stared at Sasori after that. "Huh." Kisame said, "That… kind of makes sense. I'm not going to answer, since I've already seen him."

"Older than he acts." Konan said, not bothering to show enthusiasm.

Kakuzu ignored them.

"Alright." Jade sighed as another letter came down from the empty ceiling. "Looks like that was enough. Who wants to read this one?"

There were a few seconds' silence, and then Itachi reached for the paper, which flew into his hand. Konan's arm twitched slightly under the coat sleeve.

"There is nothing on the outside of the paper." Itachi said in his regular monotone.

**10/29/12 Chapter 15**

… **Loved the Sasori-apathetic-ness with Jade's hug. I can totally imagine Sasori's wonder at the brilliance of good ol' twenty first century's inventions. But can't Sasori already propel himself to crazy heights without all the modern stuff because of his chakra strings? Like, just saying. Gai can crouch and then jump as high as some three story building, so being a fellow ninja, along with chakra strings, Sasori could probably go as high as maybe six or seven stories. Never mind - what am I saying? How can SIX OR SEVEN STORIES HIGH be high enough for our dear puppet master? No, Sasori has to be able to rocket up sky high for him to be even slightly satisfied. *nods sagely* :P**

There was a slightly sour look on Itachi's face when he finished, likely at the fact that he had been forced to put in some emotion to show what the message was like, as opposed to just reading it normally.

"That is ridiculous." Sasori said, arms crossed.

"You still want to fly, un." Deidara smirked, watchin Sasori through his non-scope eye. "I see the look on your face when you are on my birds. You like being in the sky, un. You want to do it too~!"

"Deidara, stop teasing Sasori." Nagato said, then froze, arm raised on it's way to brush back his bangs, which were admittedly rather long and irritating at times. "…Konan, have I ever said that before?"

"I… I do not think you have." Konan said, a little hesitant. "It's a little odd to hear."

"Screw you (un)." The artists said in unison, and then turned to look at each other again, Sasori glaring, and Deidara smirking (of course).

"So… can you jump that high?" Zetsu asked.

"Moving on!" Hidan yelled, just as an envelope fluttered down to Kakuzu.

He opened it without preamble or any unnecessary dithering.

**Autumn-is-beautiful ****10/6/12 Chapter 13**

**Oh my. I can't imagine that a bobcat would be very happy upon arriving after its ordeal being mailed. I must have spent a good minute or two stopped in the middle of the story, imagining this chaos.**

**Jashin being referred to as "Shin-chan" was kind of funny.**

**I thought Jashin's explanation was thorough, and good for those who haven't read GC. Though I half-expected Hidan to protest when Jashin said that he survived the immortality jutsu because his mind wasn't all there to begin with. Though I suppose it would be impolite to get offended by the god who made you immortal.**

"I would never!" Hidan exclaimed, holding his hands up in an X. "Why the f*** would I do that?"

"Because you are an idiot?" Kakuzu said, his voice deeper, and therefore angrier, than normal.

"No ad hominem attacks Kakuzu. I don't want a fight breaking out. I can't stop it, and there's no guarantee that you'll agree if I ask you."

"A bobcat?" Tobi was standing behind Kakuzu to catch a glimpse of the paper. "What is a bobcat, Jade-chan?"

"It's an animal, a large wild cat." Jade said. "There are a few other names for it, but just that one is good enough."

"Why would it be mailed?" Kisame asked. "That seems like some sort of cruel and unusual punishment."

"… Black Hat Guy." Jade finally said. "He's an a**hole. A classy one, but he's a a**hole if there ever was one. A cla**hole, he calls himself. His girlfriend's just as bad, if not worse."

"**So he just mailed someone a bobcat?**" Zetsu asked, confusion on his face.

"He claimed that it was an office chair to the guy he sold it to. He claims that put it in there because he wants to make the world a more interesting place." Jade shrugged helplessly.

Sasori took this place to interrupt, a dark smile decorating his unnaturally smooth face, which still looked far to unblemished even if he wasn't a puppet anymore. "So he did it for the same reason that Orochimaru tried to start a war between Konoha and Suna."

Jade slowly nodded, a little perturbed. "I guess that's one way of looking at it."

"What else was on there?" Kisame craned his head as if he was trying to catch a glimpse of the paper. "We got the explanation about 'Jashin,'" Hidan growled at the tone the blue man used when talking about Jashin, but stayed silent otherwise, "And the bobcat. What else was there?"

"Calling Jashin 'Shin-chan,' I believe." Jade looked at Kakuzu, who simply threw the paper into the flames. She smirked. "I don't think commenting is necessary for that one.

An envelope flew lazily drifted into Yahiko's lap. He picked it up and quickly took out the letter to read.

**SakuraEmma29 ****10/4/12 Chapter 12**

**LOL at the end with Harry Potter and Agent Diamond...I love her! Hahahaha! That was great!**

**Deidara cosplaying as a girl was icing to my cake! LOL...I haven't read or watched anything about vocaloids, however… so I knew nothing of that really. Itachi sitting on Deidara through school was also amusing. **

**Hey, there is nothing wrong with a little romance...I kinda liked the idea of a Sasori/OC... we don't see a lot of those... I think I've strangely seen more Kisame/OC than I have of Sasori/OC...  
This was an awesome update...I can't tell you how happy I was to see that this story was updated...I have been waiting for what seems like ages for me (I'm impatient… LOL)! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to the next chapter!**

"They like seeing me as a girl, un?" Deidara tilted his head to the side. "_Why_?"

"Because people find it funny when boys look like girls. You suffer more than Itachi when it comes to that point." Jade said, and then waved at them, mostly at their heads. "It's probably the hair, and some side from the face shape I suppose. Itachi's face is rather feminine, to be honest."

"Un…"

"Why would anyone want to see Sasori with an OC?" Hidan asked. "Or Kisame?"

"Because you guys are bada**es, and girls like to pretend that they're the girls you guys are supposedly falling in love with." Jade answered promptly. "Although, I think this particular one was in hopes of throwing them a bone, so to speak, given the reasoning she offers up, rather than the usual wish fulfillment."

"They are fangirls." Itachi said, as if that explained everything.

"In any case," Jade took hold of the conversation again, shooting a small look at Itachi. "I wouldn't want to start a relationship with any of you, considering that most of you are at least twice my age. Deidara's the only one that's close enough to me age-wise that I can handle the idea of a relationship with well."

She cleared her throat. "Next!"

The paper fell into Konan's lap, who cleared her throat and read it.

**Simplicity-Shitsuboku ****9/7/12 Chapter 9**

**Hmm, Broken Angel sounds good and I laughed heartily at Pain. Such a classic. It's really weird though seeing as for the past week or so I've been singing it over and over. Coincidence? I don't believe in them.**

"Was… was there a point to us reading that one?" Jade asked tentatively. "I mean, it's nice and all, and it sums up even most of our feelings accurately, but I didn't really…" She trailed off as she noticed Nagato and Konan's faces. Yahiko started sniggering.

"This was just to remind Konan and Nagato of the compromising situation they were in a few weeks ago, wasn't it?"

Yes. Yes, it was.

"Yes." Hidan added, for the sake of transmitting my message.

One last envelope fell into Zetsu's lap. He seemed a bit unsure about it, but the black side finally cleared his throat and read it out.

**Ttran2323 ****7/27/12 Chapter 7**

**That was highly amusing! Can't really say much else since this IS a filler-ish thing. Also, poor Hidan and Tobi for the mind-numbing headaches...and the carameldansen... The worse part is that things like that, Nyan Cat, Hipster Cat have versions on youtube that are HOURS long... Also, that brings something else to mind, Do they also get video or just sound? 'Cuz that would be funny seeing their reactions to the actual video.  
[Awkward Silence]  
You're gonna make them suffer and force them to actually see the actual video aren't you? Sorry Hidan and Tobi! Hopefully the Phoenix corporation figure out how to fix the headaches before something happens.**

Everyone turned to look at Hidan and Tobi. As they were on opposite sides of the room, heads just kept on turning, like a tennis match.

"So…" Jade dithered a little, facing the Jashinist. "Did you have to see the videos as well?"

"Yes." Hidan answered shortly. "And it was h***."

"Tobi can see his house from here!" Tobi was staring out of one of the 'windows.'

Nagato turned to look at the ceiling. "Was that the last of them?"

A paper fluttered down. _Yes._

"So may we leave?"

They all suddenly found themselves back in Jade's house.

All but Jade were kittens.

o.o.o.o.o

Opal grinned as she passed her hands over a very special control panel geared solely towards her, ignoring the dissipation of the translation illusions that had slowly taken hold of the review room to make communication between the characters easier.

"Let the games," She whispered, her face lit by the glow of the electricity sparking from her fingertips to dance across the board below.

"Begin!"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: This chapter just got too long to add in the Hitler omake. Sorry, but you'll have to wait 'til next time. As always:**

**Review.**

**Vote in the poll.**

**Give the tropes page for this story a whirl.**

**And maybe check out that picture of Jashin that Nezkov-Sou drew for me while you're at it.**


	18. Tobi, You BLEEP, Also: Nazi Dance

It happened on a Saturday, like most of the fun little events in Jade's life since she'd found that mewling box on her doorstep. The event in question? Well, if you're here, then I'm sure that you're anxious enough to know that you'll read on.

Well? What are you waiting for?

o.o.o.o.o

"AGONY~! FAR MORE PAINFUL THAN YOU~RS!"

"These men are princes?" Nagato questioned, a rather disturbed look on his face.

"Yep." Jade answered, smirking. The video was amusing.

"They are idiots."

Yahiko grinned over at Nagato. "Oi, do you—?"

"I am not singing with this you." Nagato shot him down before he even finished.

Jade snorted, well-used to this by now. She glanced on over at Deidara, the third Akatsuki member in the room right now, at least of the ones that were human. "Dei? How about you? It's your turn."

Deidara blinked. "Uh… Can we see the AMV again, un? The one with the… Halloween song?"

Jade shrugged. "Sure."

It didn't take long to find the video, but once it was turned on, _things_ started happening. Of course, only Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu were even expected to react to it, being the only ones that hadn't known, but when they did, they didn't make a large fuss immediately. Instead, they cut off any attempts at conversation that they had been carrying on, and stilled in their seats.

At the video's end, everyone was keenly aware of the deadly silence filling the room. Jade felt very uncomfortable, and fidgeted a little as the tension hovered.

"Tobi." The one word from Deidara broke the silence, deceptively calm. "Why did that video show you with a Sharingan?"

A small splash notified them to the small Suiton that Yahiko had sent at the kittens to return them to human form.

Tobi, Obito, didn't bother playing the idiot card, making his voice higher. "Because I do."

"Uh-huh. And why did I not see it when watching the video before, un?" His voice was still at the point where he sounded like he was in a small pocket of eternal calm, or ready to kill everyone and everyone around him in a bout of Tranquil Fury.

"I would not know."

"Opal brought down the barriers she'd put on your brains to keep you from noticing." Hidan offered, but was ignored.

"And why was I not told any of this?" Deidara finally turned to look at Tobi, staring right into the eyehole of his mask.

"You didn't need to know."

"You're being boring." Jade stood up and turned to leave the room. "Oh, and no matter what he might say, he's not actually Madara. So he's actually been lying in up to two layers to everyone except Zetsu. Have fun."

She left the room, and heads were slowly turning away from her and towards Tobi.

"Who are you really?" Itachi finally asked, ignoring the shaking, silent anger from Deidara behind him. Sharingan staring into Sharingan, the two Uchiha squared off. English was the furthest thing from their minds once more.

The silent standoff was broken when 'Tobi' threw his head back and let loose a single bark of laughter, loud, mocking, and sardonic. "Haven't you guessed, little cousin? How many family members did you have that just suddenly went missing, and only ever had the need for one eye?"

He reached up, one hand slipping under the mask. Breaths were unknowingly held as the mask was removed.

The scars were disturbing. The entire right side of the face looked as though it had been raked across over and over again, pulling that side down in an eternal frown. Both sides had a Sharingan, though the one on his left was spinning at a noticeably slower pace, evidence for it not being his original one.

In the back of his mind, Sasori felt a hint of satisfaction at knowing how accurate his guess had been. Of course, he shoved this thought far, far down in favor of putting on a blank look that matched the serious and intimidating atmosphere.

Itachi's eyes narrowed, lip curling in distaste. "Obito. I thought you died during the war in some sort of landslide."

"Under a collapsing bridge, but that isn't particularly important. No use nitpicking, you know." His tone was conversational, though his eyes were sharp and calculating. He was quite aware of the fact that no one was going to be on his side in this other than Zetsu, and the half-plant man wasn't much good in a fight.

"Yes… mind explaining why you helped drive the clan to rebellion?" Itachi no longer cared for keeping his secrets secret. Everything that had occurred so far indicated that no one in Akatsuki would be keeping their skeletons shoved deep into the dark back of their closets if Phoenix had anything to say about it, so he may as well release the information on his own terms rather than hers.

Then again, if I'm the one writing that choice, aren't I still influencing it? Isn't it still on my terms then? Or has he solidified his personality and pattern of actions enough that I am incapable of writing him otherwise without making him grossly out of character?

Fun little thing to consider, isn't it?

"Wait, rebellion?" Deidara's anger at Tobi was momentarily shoved to the side by this shiny new distraction.

"I'll explain later. I want my answers first." Itachi didn't take his eyes off of Tobi. Off of Obito. D***it, dude. I can't decide on the name for you. I'll just stick to Tobi for now. No, Obito. No… _You know what?!_ Obitobi it is.

"That rebellion had been building for years. I simply manipulated events to make the volcano blast a few years in advance." Obitobi explained, near flippant. In the back of his head, he was glaring at the ceiling, at the author. Mostly because of the whole name thing.

I'm not just going to call you 'no one,' alright? It's stupid.

"That doesn't explain much." Itachi took a step forward, and people suddenly realized just where Itachi had been standing up 'til then.

He had been in the kitchen.

Next to the wooden block on the counter, the wooden block with the knives.

The really big and sharp ones that were used for cooking, not as simple utensils.

They also became aware that Itachi was in possession of one of those very large, very sharp knives.

Oops.

"That doesn't explain _nearly_ enough to keep me from killing you here and now." Itachi's face held no emotion, but his eyes held that certain sparkle, that _je ne sais quoi_. The kind that said '_you have made the lives of me and mine a living h***, and you will die for it._"

"I think I'll join in." Deidara muttered, hand reaching into the clay pouch that had been included in the weapons scroll.

Kisame's grip on Samehada shifted. Tobi had promised a world without lies, and yet these lies now were… well, let's just say that Kisame's respect for 'Tobi' had dropped down a well with these recent revelations.

Hidan's chuckles were dark as he ran a thumb along his scythe. Kakuzu's eyes narrowed, calculating just how much the cleanup for a murder would be and weighing it against the personal satisfaction that killing the man who had played them all for fools would bring. Konan and Nagato didn't seem to have any expression, though the twitching of their fingers was an indication of their anger, and Yahiko was wearing a rather nasty little grin right next to them. Sasori's hand was wrapped tightly around a scroll in his pocket, the one containing his two favorite puppets.

Zetsu was nowhere to be found.

At an unseen signal, all began to bring their hands up, around, readying weapons for the first slash, preparing the hand signs for the first jutsu, activating eyes for the first torture, and—

"_**H*****_** TO THE **_**F***ING **__**NO!**_**"**

Lighting arced through the room, giving a glow to the angered figure that had landed among them from an electric blue portal in the ceiling.

They all fell to the ground, even Obitobi, twitching as their nervous systems recovered from the system-wide shocks they had experienced.

Opal stood in the middle of the room, scowling with her arms crossed. "Excuse me? What the h*** was all that supposed to be? I thought one of the rules that we _clearly_ stated was no killing!"

Glares were sent to her from around the room, glowering looks and lethal scowls. Some were milder than others, but no one was happy that she had stopped their attempted murder.

"I should put you all in a time-out, since you're letting your anger rule you like little _children_…" She muttered, eyes roaming the room and catching their stares. "Well? Stand up!"

Hidan was the first to stand, grumbling. "You didn't have to go that far."

"Sorry for following Phoenix's orders, then." Opal spat back. She watched as the other Akatsuki members returned to their feet, some even struggling.

Heavy, thudding footsteps heralded Jade's descent from the top floor, the type of footstep indicating just how irritated she was with whatever the most recent problem was.

"What happened down here and why?" Jade came into the room, and frowned as she saw Opal. "An Agent? Why are you here? I thought you had a universe to run."

"These idiots were all about to try and kill each other." Opal gestured around the room.

It took several seconds for Jade to answer, but when she did, she at least managed to lessen the tension a tad. "Well, don't do it in my living room. If you're going to do something with that much collateral damage, do it outside. Better yet, do it in my neighbor's house. Their dog never shuts up and I kind of want some revenge."

Opal's face went blank, and then she chuckled. "I guess that's one way to go about it. Still, you guys are overreacting."

"Overreacting, un?" Deidara's voice was colored with disbelief.

"Yes. Trying to kill him is not the right way to go about this."

"Then what is?" Itachi faced Opal.

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Talk it out. Get the whole story out. All of you. I'm serious. Obito, Tobi, whatever you want to call him, let him tell you how and why he's doing what he's doing. Itachi can explain the massacre. The Ame trio can tell their story. You can have some big heart-to-heart if you want, but my main point is that I want you to talk it out."

"Don't kill my house. I like it the way it is. You know, _without_ people and jutsu-shaped holes." Jade raised a hand to get their attention. "I'm going upstairs to study, but seriously, don't kill my house."

She turned and left, leaving behind Opal and the Akatsuki members.

"Aren't you going to leave too?" Yahiko asked in Japanese.

"H*** no. I'm staying to mediate. Don't need another mess like the one three minutes ago."

o.o.o.o.o

-Three hours later-

The Akatsuki members left the room, still grumbling to themselves and to each other. Obitobi and Opal were the only ones left in the room.

"So… what was that thing in chapter five about?" Opal finally asked, looking over with a frown.

Obitobi looked back over, mask returned to his face 'because it feels weird without one, that's why.' "What thing?"

Opal snapped her fingers at the TV, and a quote popped up on the screen.

"_Deidara is barely a fraction of my age. Don't insinuate something like that again. I'm not Orochimaru."_

Obitobi looked it over. "What? Two thirds is still a fraction."

The look she sent him told him _exactly_ what she thought of that explanation. He rolled his eyes.

"I've been fooling, confusing, and angering people with odd comments for years. Did you really think I wouldn't take advantage of this? I got to mess with the one that calls herself a god to our world."

"So…"

"I lied."

Opal kept staring at him, and then snorted.

"You, my dear sir, are an _a**hole_."

"Like I haven't heard that before."

"Go back to being a good boy, Tobi."

"Hm… Okay, Opal-san! Tobi can be a good boy again!" He ran off.

"That is going to be so much creepier now. To all of them." Opal shook her head and opened up a portal. Within seconds, the living room was empty again.

"Get away from me, you creep, un!"

"But sempai! Tobi wants to play!"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I have two omake to give to you this chapter, which is why the chapter proper is so short. However, one of them is something that you guys have been anticipating for some six weeks, so you ought to be pretty happy about this one.**

o.o.o.o.o

**The Trolling of Hitler and his Nazi Groupies, As Well As the Rest of the 1936 Berlin Olympics**

Sasori looked around himself. He appeared to be in some sort of airplane hangar, and Agent Sapphire had disappeared.

Well.

"Hello, Mr. Akasuna. We've been waiting for you."

Slowly, Sasori turned to look at the speaker, who turned out to be Agent Quartz, seated at a circular table. The table itself was covered in a white cloth, with a disturbingly gourmet meal laid out on it, with even red and white and rose wines ready to be poured. The man himself held a glass in his hand, off to the side, and stared at him emotionlessly. He waved his other hand at the other chair at the table. "Sit."

Sasori followed the order, lowering himself into the seat with deliberate care. "Why am I here?"

Quartz set his glass down on the table and pressed his fingertips together, elbows resting lightly on the arms of his well-stuffed seat. "I was under the assumption that Sapphire had already told you."

"Telling is not the same thing as explaining." Sasori replied, arms crossing across his chest.

"I suppose." Quartz eyed him for several more moments, and then spoke again. "How would you feel about making a fool out of one of the most hated men in history?"

"Just one?" Sasori deadpanned.

"I'm afraid we don't have time for the rest, though several may be in attendance. We did not bother to check who else would be there." Quartz's face and tone didn't change, though Sasori still felt that there was a smirk behind those words.

"I see. And what will I be doing to aid you?" Sasori needed to know about what part he would play before he agreed, not that he had a choice in the matter.

"You see, there are four of us involved in this. The other three are very… showy at times, and Agent Ruby insisted that the other two joined her on the field to directly 'troll' the Führer. I myself will be controlling the overhead screens and speakers and be speaking to the people. We need you, then, to take control of the things we don't care to spare any attention for."

"You still haven't explained what it is that I will be doing."

Quartz indicated for Sasori to look to the side. In seconds, the wall split and slid to the sides, revealing a number of large screens. "You are to memorize those dances and use your puppeteer techniques to force the crowd to 'follow the beat,' as it were. We could have had Diamond do it, but none of us actually want her involved."

"All of the dances?"

"You have twenty-four hours to prepare."

"How many people are there?" This was really the crux of the issue. He could control over a hundred puppets individually, and quite a few more if they were all to do the same thing. A living being was harder to control, and harder still if he had to make them do different things.

"Over one hundred thousand people are to be in the stadium during the Opening Ceremony, which is when this will occur." Quartz answered promptly.

Sasori frowned. "As skilled as I am, even I cannot control that many people at one time, especially not when there are more than a few types of movements occurring at once, as in the dances that require partners."

"We have a solution for that." Quartz replied with ease, but there was a hint of a smirk and a ghost of amusement in his voice. He reached out to the side, and a box zoomed into his outstretched palm. He tossed it to Sasori. "Here. Catch."

Sasori caught it. Opening it, he found an odd ring, shaped and sized like a metal collar, with blinking lights dotting it here and there. He took it out of the box, holding it up to the light to take a better look. "What is this?"

"An MED." Quartz labeled the device. "It means Male Enhancement Device."

Sasori dropped the ring like a hot potato. "_What?_"

"It'll enhance your natural abilities based on how we program it. In this case, it'll help you control more people." Quartz explained further, either ignoring Sasori or not having noticed his reaction in the first place.

Sasori stared at him. "_Why _would you_ call _it that_?"_

Quartz shrugged. "Phoenix finds it dreadfully amusing. That is also why it is meant to be worn as a collar or necklace."

Sasori looked at the collar with distaste. "And I have to wear that?"

"While standing in the middle of a crowded stadium, on top of a pillar of earth, with three god-level entities." Quartz smiled, a disturbingly unnatural look on him. "Have fun."

Then he vanished, dissolving into the air itself.

Sasori took a look at the screens, and sighed. Wonderful.

o.o.o.o.o

**I could have ended it there… but I won't. I know you guys want to see Hitler suffer.**

**You can play the 'Blow' music video with the start of this. I debated between it and a few others for the entrance, but decided on this one for the 'funny' factor.**

The flames from the torch touched down to its destination, held aloft by a runner that was chosen to be the perfect Aryan. Unfortunately for his nerves, the fire blazed up, several hundred feet tall vertically. It stayed like that for a total of three seconds, and then coalesced into a large red dragon. The screams were silenced by the dragon's roar, which was quickly followed by streams of music.

_Dance._

The dragon made a loop of the stadium, breathing fire close enough for the audience to feel the heat but not be hurt by the flames. They were rooted to their seats.

_Back door cracked,  
we don't need a key._

A large pillar of earth, wide but primarily tall, slammed out of the ground. A large serpent streamed out as though it were a pipe, with a small person, one with red hair, standing on its head.

_Tonight were taking over,  
No one's getting out!_

Water rose from the pools of the Olympic complex, bringing along a… mermaid. Far less intimidating, one would say, if it were not for the fact that she brought with her a large wall of water that swept along the field. It didn't harm anyone, though several of the athletes on the field were drenched as the water decided_ not_ to avoid them.

_This place about to,  
Blo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow!_

The figures that had shown up, two of them monstrously inhuman, circled the field, once, twice, thrice, and then congregated on the pillar that was in the middle of the stadium. The snake landed first, and seem to explode in a shower of dust, leaving behind a man, barely more than a boy, standing on the edge of the 'pipe,' which filled in and flattened over to allow him to walk across as soon as he stepped out towards the empty space. The small redheaded boy with him landed as well, gasps leaving people as he seemed to walk up the side of the cylinder. What few people had the eyesight to catch view of his expression could tell that he seemed utterly bored with the situation.

_It's time to lose your mind,  
And let the crazy out!  
(This place about to)  
Tonight we're taking names  
'Cause we don't mess around._

The dragon landed, and dissolved into a mess of flames, which left behind a rather average-looking, blonde young woman. She did, despite that, have a smirk on her face that promised that it didn't matter who you were, she would still look down on you. The mermaid landed next to her in a shower of water droplets, casual disdain radiating out from her frowning visage.

The music dimmed and a voice boomed out to them, monotone and utterly disinterested. A large screen appeared above them, one larger than any other they'd seen, and in color so vivid and detail so fine it made the new colored films seem drab in comparison. Words surrounded the figure there, subtitles in every language that possibly needed representation in the stadium.

"Hello there. If you are wondering, we are time travelers. We are from 2012, mid-December specifically. In that time, there are a few men in history that are considered to be, shall we say, not very liked. In fact, Hitler is considered one of, if not _the_ most hated man in history." The man readjusted his glasses. "Of course, that's why we've come back. Partially to warn you that giving him power is one of the worst possible mistakes you could make, and partially to make a fool out of him, and the rest of the world too while we're at it."

"Have fun."

_We're taking over._  
_Get used to it._

The song grew faster, fiercer, and the figures on the pillar danced, faster and faster _and faster_. The dancing wasn't any that anyone in the stadium was familiar with, and seemed impossibly _lewd_, not like dancing at all.

Up on his balcony, Adolf Hitler shouted for his men to shoot the intruders, who were obviously lying frauds. Not a single shot they sent connected, and by the bored look sent their way by the redheaded boy, not a single shot would.

They continued to dance, and not a single watcher could move from their spot.

_Blow!_ The final shout of the song faded out, with the three 'main' figures on the pillar facing outwards in all directions with their arms crossed and various condescending expressions on their faces.

Sasori sighed from where he stood in the center, unassuming and certainly not amused. His arms were by his sides, ready to be raised in preparation for what he would be doing. The collar rested heavily around his neck, reminding him of its presence with its cold weight. He nearly sighed as he heard Quartz start speaking again. Couldn't they just get this over with?

"Having fun yet?" Quartz stared down at the people in the stadium coolly. "We have a number of songs prepared for you like that one, ones that are from far in the future and have rather recognizable dances, or at least quite recognizable music. A Swedish one, one from South Korea, one from Japan, and several from America. The Japanese really do have the best songs to use for some things, but…"

More music started up, abominably cheery.

"What can you do? The dances aren't always the kinds of things that people can copy, considering the animation skills that are used to create said dances in the first place. Well, I suppose I should introduce this song. It's the Swedish one, called Caramelldansen, and this version is what is commonly known as the Speedycake remix."

The words, which no one barring the Swedes quite understood, were filtering through to them by now. But no one really cared for that, as they realized with mounting horror that they no longer had control over their bodies.

And they were now all _standing up_.

The voice came, though the face from the screen was gone in lieu of an odd video with scantily clad young women, animated in a rather peculiar manner. "Ah, yes, did I forget to mention that you would be dancing along?"

The horrors followed, as they were forced to mimic every move that the smiling, smirking trio on the pillar did. Not even the Führer was immune, the Germans were horrified to see. The only one who wasn't dancing was the redheaded boy, who had his arms up… as if he were the puppeteer and they were the puppets.

Sasori rolled his eyes at the fear that the civilians around him were showing; even the soldiers looked near-ready to soil themselves. There was also the disgust that they showed as well, but that was likely more in revulsion of the dances than the methods. He himself didn't find anything appealing about the dances he'd memorized, but neither were they insulting to him personally.

The next song that came was one that he actually liked a little, as it dealt with the dead.

'_Cause this is Thriller!  
Thriller night…_

He kept going, song after song. He kept his eyes trained on the VIP box, finding a dreadful amount of amusement in seeing men of such importance do such ridiculous dances. He hoped there were video cameras around.

_Oppa Gangnam Style!_

The audience was mostly spared from this one, too tightly packed to do anything. Unfortunately for Hitler and his ilk, his box had plenty of room, as did the field for all the athletes still trapped on the muddy ground.

Unfortunately, those that watched the video may have been scarred for life as they were exposed to things they never would have dreamed of before. That boat. That elevator. _That toilet cubicle!_

Seeing Hitler having a panic attack over having to Gangnam was worth it, and then the next song came.

_Sorry for Party Rockin'!_

The women grew even more disturbed, as some were forced to grab their chests in manners that were most certainly _not_ supposed to be done in public.

The next song slowed things down, but it was downright silly, as was the blonde girl with far too much hair on the screen. PonPonPon indeed.

_Ponpon dashite shimaeba ii no.  
Zenzen shinai no tsumaranai desho._

The next song, however, had not been on the list. That meant that he didn't have a plan for what to make people dance to for it. He saw the sly looks from the Agents, and realized that he would be forced to improvise, and they likely wanted him to join in as well.

Sasori always was one to rise up to the challenge.

_I wanna scream and shout and let it all out.  
And scream and shout and let it out.  
We sayin', "Oh, we oh, we oh we oh."_

_You are now, now rockin' with, will. i. am.  
and Britney, B****._

Ruby stared. Sapphire watched. Silk gazed. Quartz observed.

"Wow." Ruby finally commented. "I… I didn't actually expect him to be able to dance like that."

"He's not even playing against type." Sapphire mentioned. "Or contradicting the song genre either. He's even got five or so different dances going on in the stands."

"It's a little creepy, seeing him do that. I'm not even sure, but is that breakdancing?" Silk remarked, and then glanced up at the VIP box. "Did he just make Hitler do an MJ crotch-grab?"

Silence among the three…

"Sasori is officially my new favorite."

o.o.o.o.o

**Here's some free ****Brain Bleach****. You may need it for the horror that is Hitler pulling off an MJ crotch grab.**

**And that's where we're ending that one. Hitler's pretty much tossed out of the seat after that. It takes place in an isolated dimension in Universe 14, which is the Universe that the PC has set aside for all their abnormal adventures, the ones that generally take place in one-shots and omake.**

**I mostly chose music that was either very well known or had very observable dance moves. In the case of 'Sorry for Party Rocking,' they actually had 'Party Rock Anthem' going first, and segued into SfPR the way the video for SfPR does. So yes, they made Hitler shuffle. And 'Shake that.' And Gangnam. And Caramell. And Thriller. And PonPon. And everything that Sasori came up with.**

**Now, the second omake for this chapter, which is in response to the hundredth reviewer: ****Lil'MissEya****. She actually just chose for me to continue with one of the earlier omake suggestions I had up, which was questioning what the Akatsuki did while Jade wasn't at home. Due to the nature of the prompt and the length of the chapter + Hitler omake already, I'll just make them a short series very small vignettes that will likely satisfy everyone without wearing me out.**

o.o.o.o.o

"I'm kinda hungry." Kisame was lounging back on the couch. He glanced over at Itachi. "You?"

"Hn." Itachi turned a page in his book. "I suppose. Is there anything you're expecting me to do about it?"

"I guess not." Kisame shrugged and turned back to looking at the ceiling.

"You're saying that you would rather go hungry than put in a little effort to make yourself some food." Itachi put the book down, glaring over at his partner.

"Itachi." Konan poked her head in. "It's your turn to cook."

Kisame smirked. "There's also that."

Itachi didn't answer, just got up and left.

Five minutes later…

"So…" Deidara stared at the pot on the stove, then at Itachi, then back to the pot. "How did you set a pot of water on fire? There was literally nothing else in there but water and air, un."

"There was also salt."

"That explains absolutely nothing, un. Seriously, salt isn't going to set the water on fire, un."

o.o.o.o.o

Yahiko walked into the living room.

And walked right back out.

He turned and went into the kitchen, noticing Zetsu. "Hey, plant-guy. Any idea why we've got a god playing the ukulele in the living room?"

Zetsu shrugged, the movement doing odd things to plant growing out of his shoulders. "It looks like he just wanted to come see Hidan. **Then he pulled out the Ukulele and randomly started singing.** Did you see Hidan? I think he was in kitten form on Jashin's head, but we didn't really stay long enough to check."

"Uh… no. I didn't." Yahiko frowned, but then perked back up. "Hey, do you think he knows that one song about the cockatoo?"

o.o.o.o.o

"On three." The whisper came from Hidan, and was replied to via nods from Yahiko, Deidara, and a very reluctant Sasori.

"One."

Three were grinning widely, one was just irritated.

"Two."

They prepared, eyes narrowing on their prey.

"Three!"

They rushed forward.

Three seconds later, Konan and Nagato were _not_ alone and stripped in a locked bathroom, as the four had been planning. Instead, the four were plastered in paper on the ground, unable to move, as the two they'd 'attacked' walked away, still talking about whatever it was that they had been discussing before.

Yahiko's eyes burned. "No! We'll get them next time! They can't hide from this forever!"

"Stop yelling in my ear." Sasori reprimanded him. "And you're not pulling me into this next time."

"Yes we are, un!"

o.o.o.o.o

_Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…  
What do we do?! We swim! Swim._

"Hey, Kisame…"

"Shut up."

o.o.o.o.o

'_Cause baby you're a fi~rework!  
Come one show 'em wha~t you're worth!_

"…I like this song, un."

"D*** it. I was hoping you wouldn't."

o.o.o.o.o

_I'm a real boy!_

"If a single one of you says a word, you'll find yourself being pumped so full of neurotoxins that you will die in a flurry of agony in the span of a minute."

*chirp-chirp*chirp-chirp*

*wolf howl*

"I thought so."

o.o.o.o.o

_Die, motherf***er, die, motherf***er, die!  
Die, motherf***er, die, motherf***er, die!_

"I can't help but think of Hidan with this song."

"Nah, there was a line earlier about not needing religion or something. That makes the song f***ing _idiotic_."

"Right…"

o.o.o.o.o

_Mine, mine, mi~ne!_

"Huh. So that's where Kakuzu's cure came from."

"**When are we going to get back to the talking tree?** Grandmother Willow was more interesting than this."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Cop out? A little. To be fair though, I'm over five thousand words by now and have a Spanish final to take in the morning, so I think this is pretty good considering. Besides, the omake clocks in at over five hundred, which is my minimum for a decent omake length.**


	19. New Arrivals

**A/N: The initial paragraph-long description was an exercise in a balancing act for me. I have no illusions about my looks, especially as I do nothing to enhance them. I named off both my good traits and my bad when it comes to physical descriptions. I've been told, occasionally, that I'm pretty, but so have most girls. I can **_**be **_**pretty, but I don't put in enough effort for that, so I usually just look average. Really, really average.**

**The reason for Goldstone and Chimera's descriptions is that I can't imagine that either of them is very firmly stuck in your heads as far as appearance goes, especially as I tend to mention appearances piecewise. If you think I could come up with a better way to write this, please tell me. I want to make this story as enjoyable as possible for you all.**

**Still waiting on that TvTropes rec.**

o.o.o.o.o

"Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok. Tiktok, tiktok, tiktok, tiktok, dum, bedum, bedum, dum, dum."

Eleven people stared at the illusion before them. Technically, it was a sort of hologram, but they had no experience with such, so they simply assumed it was an illusion.

The girl stared down at them. She wasn't particularly ugly, per se, but neither was she any great beauty. She was thin, almost unhealthily so, and flat-chested; she had very little muscle, and looked like she could break any second. She wore no make-up, not bothering to hide the mild acne that irritated her in front of her right ear, or to accentuate one of her better features, such as her facial structure (high cheekbones, some noted, near-symmetrical eyes, well-shaped nose, a square but slim face). Her eyes were a dark, unremarkable brown, and there was a glint of metal on her teeth when her lips were parted in her nonsensical tune. Her wavy, dark brown hair seemed healthy for the most part, but there was a visible thinning spot towards the back of her head, nearly bald here and there. One of the few physical aspects that seemed to actually be worth noting was the cracked backs of her hands, dry enough to bleed.

Ah, and she was sitting on the empty air like it was a particularly comfy armchair.

That girl is, was, and likely shall be, unless I get into a car accident or suddenly come down with a terminal illness, me, the author, whom you know as Phoenix.

Not a pretty sight at the moment, am I? I'll go back to third person now.

She was smirking at them, which cause several of them to grab for their weapons, only to find them missing.

She continued to smirk, continued to hum, continued to do her best to infuriate them.

It was almost cute, to see such powerful people reduced to such weakness.

"Boss."

The girl turned to look to the side, acknowledging her apparent subordinate.

"Agent Goldstone. What's up?"

At least they had a name to go with a face this time. The second girl looked like she could have been related to the first one, if distantly. The girl's hair was lighter and redder, close to mahogany, with a bright, _sparkling_ gold streak towards the front. Her expression was one of long-suffering and not-quite-disapproval, curling her lip. Her skin was clear and smooth, showing no hint of scarring or old disease. She was of average height, slim build, and had a chest even smaller than the first girl's. Contrarily, her body showed evidence of training, though subtly. She held herself tall and straight-back, and peered at everyone over thin, wire-rimmed glasses with distaste as she clutched a thin electronic to her chest the way they'd often seen assistants of various kinds hold clipboards. There was something unnatural about her eyes, however. One of them simply seemed slower, the pupil's dilation smoother and more uniform in speed. Even the color of the irises seemed to be different, albeit near-imperceptibly.

"Chimera's ready for them. I had to call him up since he was doing some maintenance work in the Harry Potter universe, but he's here now."

The first girl grinned widely and clapped her hands together. "Great!"

They fell through the floor.

WHOOSH!

Eleven people prepared for a crash-landing, but were caught by a gust of wind instead. Each was in a tube, and at the bottom of each tube was a grate, through which they could see a large fan. The fans slowed and stopped, letting them land far more gently than they had expected to.

"Analysis complete." A new voice caught their attention. Though they had tried to speak, to attack, to do something, none were capable of moving more than to shift from one foot to the other and fidget a little.

The man had purple hair, with a blue stripe near the front, so dark it was nearly black, but rich in color despite that. It was short over most of his head, but some of it was gathered in a long ponytail in the back. Glancing from his computer screen, he flashed eyes the color of his hair at them. He stood from his seat, revealing his height to be over six feet tall, and his frame clothed in a surprising suit. A thin and oddly carved wooden rod stuck out from one pocket. He grabbed a fedora from where it lay on the table among large numbers of papers, and mashed it down onto his wild hair.

"So! Who's ready for me to turn them into a kitten?" He clapped his hands together and rubbed them in a conspiratorial manner. He watched the faces of his audience pale, eyes narrowing, bodies tensing in an attempt to break free of their bonds, which were sadly literary in nature and thus not something they could break through virtue of lacking experience.

He pouted, though a sparkle remained in his eye, promising more teasing on the way. "Mou, don't you guys appreciate me? Or any of us? We brought at least one of you back from the dead, after all. Can't say much for one of the others, considering he's like a d*** cockroach. Then again, trouble comes in threes, so I suppose your deaths should as well."

I must interrupt now however, and tell you the current setup. There were two teams of four there, and one team of three. Those in the tubes could see their own teammates, but not those of the other teams, as there were walls between the tubes, barely two feet across, just enough to know that there was something beyond the walls, but not what. The man took note of everyone there, however, and the paths his eyes followed showed very well that there were more people he was speaking to.

"In any case, I suppose I should give you a little explanation, no?" He pulled out an office chair from one of the nearby desks and spun it around to come to him. He sat down heavily, resting his elbow on the chair-back and his chin in his palm.

"My name is Agent Chimera. I work for the Phoenix Corporation, which manages this universe and a number of others. You saw the president of the corporation up there, as well as the second-in-command. Phoenix is my boss, Goldstone is my second cousin. I have a cousin on the other side that works here as well, and the two of us are tied for third-in-command." He rattled the information off in a manner that indicated that he found it boring but necessary.

"Now, on to the fun stuff. Our boss often has us do things solely to entertain her. This includes doing things like bringing back the dead and turning powerful warriors into helpless little felines that look absolutely adorable. This includes all of you. It also includes the eleven people we already sent ahead. Each of you will have a different cure available to you, though many of them will be done solely for their humor factor. You will see people that you probably hate. Good for you. I don't care. You can't kill each other. You start a fight, we end it. It's already happened once and it's f***in' _annoying_. You also probably won't be able to keep your secrets. Like…"

He pointed at Kakashi. "What happened while you were dead."

He pointed at Sai. "What your brother was like and secrets about Danzo."

He pointed at Sakura. "Split personalities."

He pointed at Naruto. "Knowledge about your parentage."

Chimera paused and glanced around for a second, and then leaned forward. "If it's any help, I know what it's like to have famous parents. I had to deal with crazy journalists and grudge-holding sociopaths from when I was born to until the world ended. Trust me, you'll have it easy in comparison."

He pointed at Sasuke. "The truth about the massacre."

He pointed at Karin. "Knowledge about _your_ parentage. Seriously, you people have way to many secrets."

He pointed at Suigetsu, and froze. He tilted his head to the side. "I don't actually think you have any that will be revealed, so… huh. No worries."

He pointed at Juugo. "Your family's special secret and why exactly you can talk to birds and stuff. Which reminds me, I'm giving you a high-five for that. Animal speech is hard to deal with even if you have instinctual understanding. Their grammar and logic just tend to be so mind-numbingly simple. It's annoying."

He pointed at Tsunade, grinning. "What you promised yourself you'd do if a _certain someone_," He practically sang those two words. "Came back alive."

He pointed to Jiraiya. "Everything. Or, not everything, but a lot of things you should have told people."

He pointed at Orochimaru… "Yeah, I'm not even going to bother. You know what you've done, what you've hid, and maybe even what will happen."

Chimera clapped his hands. "Time for kittification!"

o.o.o.o.o

Jade groaned as she threw herself down on the couch, face down on a large and fluffy pillow, and her backpack fell to the floor.

A loud mewl drew her attention to the side, but she didn't look up and move. She didn't even open her eyes, just made a small noise to affirm that she was listening.

The mewl came again, more insistent. Ah. right. She couldn't speak cat.

She let her head fall to the side, cracking open one eye just enough to stare blearily at the light blue cat that was sitting there. Her hair obscured her vision slightly, but she ignored that. "What do you want?"

He mewled again, giving her a disparaging look.

"Leave me alone." She let her eyes snap close again, but kept talking. "School ended. I just took my last exam of the year. I am _done_. Just let me sleep away the next few days, alright?"

The doorbell rang.

Jade growled and punched her pillow as she stood. "This had better be important."

She wrenched the door open with more force than normal, and saw no one. She looked at the ground, and saw three boxes. Two were roughly the same size, and normally shaped, while the third was a wide cylinder, like a hatbox.

Feeling in the pit of her stomach what would happen, she nudged one of the boxes with her foot. It made no noise. She frowned and leaned in closer to grab a note off of the top.

_Jade!_

_Hi!_

_Yes! We're doing this p*** you off at the moment!_

_We—_

_Sorry about him. He had too much sugar this morning. Due to the nature of the occupants, there are seals on the boxes to prevent any sound from exiting, though some may still be entering (I was in a hurry applying them, so I can't remember which one I used). The seals will break as soon as you open the boxes, so try to bring them in first._

_- Agent Opal_

Jade sighed and brought the boxes inside, resigning herself to a summer of irritation, rather than relaxation. One the boxes were inside, she stared for a seconds. She was irritated. She wanted to take that irritation out on someone.

She shook the boxes, one by one. No noise came. Ah well, they were ninja. They could handle it.

She turned around, facing the rest of the house, and drew in a breath. "OI! IDIOTS! GET DOWN HERE! DON'T SAY ANYTHING!"

"Wh—?"

"Seriously, I just said not to talk, dude." She rounded on Deidara, hands on hips. He put his hands up in the accepted position of surrender and nodded mutely, though there was a smile on his face.

Jade turned to look at everyone there, noting that after her reprimand of Deidara, no one else was talking, not even in cat form. She looked at Itachi, noting that he was still in cat form. She looked over at Deidara and pointed at the kitchen. "Hot water, we need everyone human right now."

He nodded, and he and the cats trooped into the kitchen. Jade sighed as she heard the sink spray turn on, knowing that someone would have to clean it up later. She looked around at the shinobi as they walked back in, and her eyes landed on Itachi. "I need a sound barrier. I don't want them to hear us."

After a few seconds, he spoke, "It is done."

Jade sat down on a large chair that was in the foyer mostly for aesthetics. She waved an arm at the boxes. "We have new arrivals."

"Who?" Nagato was the one to ask. Jade answered that she didn't know, watching Tobi and Zetsu from the corner of her eye. The two of them had been, for lack of a better word, shunned by the others. They were avoided like lepers, and while it didn't seem to be taking a toll on either of them, she was sure that there was at least some semblance of… of _irritation_, at least. Tobi continued to act in his good boy guise, which served to severely unsettle most of the house's inhabitants.

"Check, then." Yahiko urged her, snapping her attention away from Tobi, who had turned on his Sharingan at Jade's transcribed thoughts.

Jade looked around at them all, and went over to the boxes again. There was a table near the front door, and she always kept a small pocketknife and a pair of scissors there for packages. She quickly slit open the first box and peered in.

A black, fluffy, almost spiky kitten glared at her. It had pale paws, and a similarly pale cream snout. Next to it was a red kitten, though it seemed to be tinged slightly pink. Its eyes were red, and its fur asymmetrical. A third kitten, small and lithe, pale, pale blue with purple eyes. A fourth, larger than the rest, with orange eyes and fur.

Hebi. Or Taka, now. It wasn't likely that it could be anyone else.

She blinked as the cat that she assumed was Sasuke suddenly made to jumped out of the box, but slammed into an invisible barrier across the top of the box instead.

"Baka." He started at that, and glared at her more. Jade rolled her eyes and closed the box again. He may have attacked her due to her shaking the box earlier, but…

"I think I know who these guys are." Jade called back to the Akatsuki. She didn't receive an answer, but she didn't expect one either. After a second of thought, she decided to keep from using any more Japanese words if she could help it. "It's… weasel's… little brother and the team that he gathered from the former prisoners and workers of the snake."

She slit open the next box, already guessing at what would be inside. A mottled yellow and orange kitten stared up at her with wide blue eyes. A pink-furred kitten sat next to it, with similarly large green eyes. A silver kitten, larger, was lounging in the corner of the box, one eye scarred shut. A cat that was black as coal with a white underbelly and flat eyes sat next to it.

"Team Seven. It's the nine-tails container, the Fire Shadow's apprentice, a ROOT operative, and the copier." She noticed that Naruto, or at least the person she assumed was Naruto, had come up to the side of the box and was staring at her. He was probably worried that she'd try to get rid of them for some reason, and trying to make himself appealing enough to keep. Well, she was going to keep them anyway—she didn't exactly have much a choice, not anymore—but she might as well allay his fears. She smiled softly and reached down with one finger to stroke his furry little head, starting right at his nose. He purred and tried to butt his head further into her hand, but she withdrew and closed the box again.

She turned to the third box, opening it as she had the others.

This one was _partitioned_. There were glowing, translucent walls that split the cylindrical box into thirds, understandable as the kittens inside seemed to be very caught up in hissing at each other. Behind her, she heard hissing arising from the other two boxes, which seemed to have finally realized that the others were there. The ones in the box in front of her didn't seem to have noticed yet.

Two were ganging up on a third. One was all yellow-blonde, with a small green splotch on its back and a purple diamond on its forehead. One was white, with small beady eyes and red lines beneath its eyes. The third was a pale grey, and had purple fur on its eyelids.

"And three legendary warriors, known for surviving against the salamander from the village hidden in the rain." She finished and closed the box, walking back into the realm of the sound barrier that Itachi had erected.

"Orochimaru is _alive?_" More than a few people seemed surprised at that.

"Jiraiya-sensei is there?" Yahiko seemed to perk up.

"This is not going to be good." Nagato mused, drawing the attention of most of the room. Jade nodded, having already thought on such things. They thought like ninja and like people meeting dead loved ones. She thought like a reader, like someone willing to bend to the demands of literature. This was a fanfic. Conflict wasn't something to be avoided, it was something to be _caused_.

"How do you think Naruto is going to react to seeing old enemies?" Jade postulated, ignoring the hissing that had risen in volume and would soon be approaching yowling level. "Or Sasuke at seeing Itachi alive again? And Suigetsu is going to want to fight Kisame, and there _will _be issues concerning the Sannin." She rubbed at her eyes. "This is just a mess in the making."

"So what do we do?" Hidan's voice was the one that broke the silence. He was staring right at Jade.

She blinked as the others followed suit. "You want me to decide? Why?"

Kakuzu was the one to answer. "You are not emotional the way we are about these people. You can view this from a point of view outside of the people involved. You also know these people as characters, and know them better than we do because you have seen them reacting to situations from their point of view, not ours."

"So it's my lack of major emotional investment and distance from the subject?" She pondered it for a few seconds. "I… I guess I can wrap my head around that."

She sat down on a chair and thought. Eventually she looked up again. "They won't trust most of you for various reasons. Anyone dead is an automatic target of suspicion, as are Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi due to their villainous nature. Because of that, most of you should leave the room, returning to kitten form. Konan will stay, but we'll have her as a kitten. She hasn't had any interaction with Sasuke's team that I can remember, so that's fine. As far as I remember, she's on fairly decent terms with Naruto, so that should be enough for the rest from Konoha, especially with Jiraiya… I hope he keeps his mouth shut. Orochimaru is problematic, a bit, but I don't think he would trust anyone, so we don't need to worry about him. Konan can explain who is here and what's going on, though we should probably find some way to erect walls around the area that they'll be talking in."

"I can do that as well." Konan assured her. The plan wasn't perfect, but for a civilian girl it was good enough.

"Got it. I'll stay where I am and watch anyway. The rest of you, scatter."

Her orders were followed.

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto hissed again. After hearing Sasuke in the other box (at least, he thought it was another box), he had immediately started shouting and trying to get his attention. There was a girl who looked in at them, and she seemed nice and was pretty enough (not as pretty as Sakura-chan, but pretty), but her voice sounded like the one that had been yelling earlier. Then she said some stuff over her shoulder, so there were people there too, but he didn't hear anyone answer, and then came the fight with Sasuke. He thought he heard some thumps from the other side of the box and low whispers, hisses, but it wasn't really loud so he figured he was just imagining it.

And then _the box tipped over_.

He tumbled out, yowling, and the rest of Team Seven followed him out. A few seconds later, a loud thump was heard as another square box tilted over, depositing Sasuke and his 'new' team. And then a cylindrical box—was that a hat box?—tilted over and out spilled…

It took a few seconds to place the two, but the second he did, his eyes lit up. "Baa-chan! Ero-sennin!"

"What, no happy greeting for little old me?" Out of the shadow of the box stalked someone that he also recognized after a few seconds, and made his hair puff out and back arch threateningly.

"Orochimaru. You b—!"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." The voice that spoke…well, mewled, was quiet and calm. Eleven pairs of eyes (well, ten pairs of eyes and Kakashi's lone eye) turned to stare at the kitten that spoke. She looked older than they did, which meant that she was probably one of the eleven people that had already been sent here for Phoenix's amusement, and had thus been here longer and had time to mature a little.

"Who are you?" Sasuke demanded. "What are you doing here?"

The blue cat, so elegant, raised a white-splotched brow. "Do you mean to obtain information in such a rude manner? Never mind, I shall answer regardless. I am Konan of Akatsuki, the Angel of Amegakure no Sato. I have been here for the past several months, along with the rest of the Akatsuki, even those that have died in the months prior to our arrival in this dimension."

"The owner of this house is the civilian girl in the chair over there. Her name is Jade Juarez." Konan flicked a tail over at the girl, who waved when the cats all turned to look at her, seeming a little bored.

"Do not cross me. Do not cross Jade. Do not cross any member of Akatsuki. Do not cross the PC agents that visit or the god that has done the same. Each has a method of punishment."

She blinked once. "Are there any questions?"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: AND YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!**

**Seriously. There are so many fiascoes and farces ready to happen with this development that I'm about to explode. Sasuke, Itachi, and Obitobi! Sakura will be forced to deal with Sasori! Hidan's going to needle people about Jashin! Jiraiya and the Ame orphans! Naruto, Nagato, and Karin finding out they're all Uzumaki and thus relatives! Tsunade and Jiraiya! Orochimaru being forced to explain how the f*** he'd still be alive even without the PC! Yahiko explaining why HE'S alive when he shouldn't be! And more development for Jade and Deidara if I don't make myself sick. No, they won't be a couple, but they have an interesting dynamic that I really want to develop.**

**I expect **_**squeeing**_** for this chapter. Make it happen. **

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix.**


	20. Your Brother, Your Students, Your Life

**A/N: And my weird, indirect writing style comes into play yet again. Writing out these confrontations felt like writing a fight scene for Fly Free. It's just so… blargh.**

o.o.o.o.o

Stunned silence ranged through the group of kittens.

"Konan?" Jiraiya sounded hesitant.

She turned to look at him, her face showing mild doubt. "Really? Of all the things you chose to focus on, you chose that? Yes, sensei, it's me. We established the fact that I was alive during the fight several months ago. Now, if we could get to any real questions?"

Though Konan was outwardly calm and collected, and indifferent to Jiraiya's presence, she was near-panic on the inside. Here was her old teacher, and back in the other room were Yahiko and Nagato, and—

"Where are we?" The question, sensible as it was, came from the white cat with only one visible eye. That was probably Hatake Kakashi, then.

"A small town in Colorado, a state in the middle of the United States of America, which is located on the North American continent on the Earth of this dimension." Konan stated, knowing that this would likely mean nothing to them. "I can show you on a map and globe later."

"This… dimension?" The orange and yellow kitten mewled; this was probably Uzumaki Naruto. "What the h*** is that supposed to mean?"

Konan stood silent for several moments as she tried to figure out how to word the answer. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the spiky black cat with cream points staring at her without expression, and the other kittens behind him actually trying to control themselves. She frowned to herself; did he really keep them in line with fear? No, the red kitten sent him a besotted look, and the looks from the other two held no fear. And yet…

"In this dimension," She began, choosing her words as carefully as possible, "Our world is the setting for a manga. We are all characters in it, so to Jade, we are all fictional."

Now, how to word the next part…

"We're what?!" Naruto, again. Konan shot him the same look she always sent to Yahiko when he said or did something particularly immature.

"We are fictional." Konan repeated.

"Who's the main character, then?" Konan blinked at the black cat that had raised the question. His fur was much smoother than Sasuke's, but nowhere near as long as Itachi's. He had a white underbelly, and his voice, even as that of a cat, was rather… emotionless. Rather like hers, actually.

Konan, flicked an ear at the question, and nodded her nose in the direction of the team that had tumbled from what she thought of as the Konoha box. "Uzumaki Naruto."

And then there was yelling.

Caterwauls, triumphant and disbelieving alike, rent the air. Konan's claws popped out with the sudden stress, and she turned her head as Jade stalked over.

"Should I spray them?" Jade's voice was conversational as she squatted down next to where Konan was sitting. One arm was behind her back, and Konan could see the spray bottle held loosely in Jade's hand.

Apparently, so could a few others, as Konan could tell when the Sannin—they were being almost _suspiciously_ quiet, actually—and Hatake all took several steps back.

Konan looked back up at Jade and nodded. Jade grinned.

*spritz*spritz* *spritz*spritz*

The caterwauls changed as the kittens were hit by the water. They all turned to hiss at Jade, who simply raised an eyebrow.

"I've been dealing with Akatsuki kittens for three or four months now. I honestly think I can handle you guys, especially after having to deal with Tobi, Deidara, and Hidan." She stood and turned around, walking back to her seat. "Konan, you translate."

Konan frowned, but acquiesced. The expressions on the faces in front of her as she did so slowly changed from anger to disbelief.

"But…" The redhead on Sasuke's current team; her name was, if Konan's memory served well, Karin. "She's just a civilian."

It was not only true, but also remarkably easy to see. Konan shrugged, the movement a little odd with her current kitten body. "She isn't scared of us. Would I be right in assuming that you have encountered Agents of the Phoenix Corporation?"

To her surprise, every last one of the kittens nodded. Well, that was helpful, at least. "She is under their protection. They run this universe and several others, and are, much as I hate to say it, analogous to gods."

She watched them, noticing the fuming looks on the faces of several of them. Alright, now came the particularly difficult part. "Are any of you aware of the term fanfiction?"

o.o.o.o.o

In the kitchen sat the Akatsuki, some on chairs, some on counters—not that they would tell Jade, considering how adamantly she reacted whenever she saw them sitting like that, particularly when they were cats like right now—and all silent. There had been a large amount of caterwauling earlier, followed by hissing, but that was done with now. Hidan had been the one to stay human to take care of the water, claiming that out of everyone, he was the one most likely to be attacked by the people there for being a callous d***.

Well, at least he was honest about it.

Moreover, he added, he could translate for Jade much more easily than the rest of them.

Suddenly, more caterwauls went up, and this time, there were discernible words.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S A CIVILIAN GIRL PLAYING DICE WITH OUR LIVES?"

Hidan raised an eyebrow from his spot leaning against the counter, arms crossed. There was no Akatsuki cloak on him, but then again, neither was there a shirt.

"Wonder what that was about…" He muttered. Being human at the moment, he didn't understand what had been said. "They sounded f***in' p***ed, seriously."

Scoffs were heard from the Akatsuki kittens, and then hisses as Yahiko padded closer to the hallway and peered around the corner.

He mewled something, which the other kittens understood as: "I can't see anything. Konan put up a paper wall to keep them from leaving and Jade just looks bored."

Hidan did not understand, but his eyes narrowed as the kittens all congregated closer to the hall.

There was silence for several seconds, and then Jade's voice called out. "Oi, kittens! Get over here! And keep quiet!"

Hidan pushed himself away from the counter and walked confidently into the room. Jade's eyes narrowed on him. "Why are you still human?"

He looked pointedly at the kittens and then walked closer so that he could talk to his warden, er, Jade without the new arrivals hearing. She looked at least partially mollified that he had remembered to do so.

He leaned over to put his head closer to hers. "Someone had to stay human to turn off the water."

"Fine." Jade sighed and turned back to the paper arena. The kittens inside all seemed to be arguing with one another, barring Konan, who seemed to just be conversing with Jiraiya about… something. There was even a small skirmish of sorts going on between Tsunade and Orochimaru. Jade tapped a finger against a knee and then stood up and strode over to the pen.

"Oi. Uchiha Sasuke." She gestured for him to come over. He didn't move.

Jade rolled her eyes and stood up, going over to the Akatsuki kittens and picking up Obitobi—

_Go to h***._

—and Itachi. She went over and put them in the bathroom, uttering a small, "Stay there."

She went back to the paper arena and looked in again. "Seriously, I'm not joking. Uchiha Sasuke, get your furry little butt over here." She snapped her fingers and pointed at the ground. "Dude, come on. It's not that hard to do."

Konan turned away from Jiraiya momentarily to translate, and Jade watched as Sasuke's eyes narrowed and he stalked over. The second he came to the edge, she snatched him up—not that he particularly resisted, for some reason. Konan had probably threatened him in some way—and walked back over to The Bathroom that held Itachi and Tobi.

"Have fun." She tossed him in, not even bothering to place him down gently. The angry hiss sent her way cut off abruptly, and was replaced by subdued mewls. She knocked for just a second. "Itachi, don't forget to see if you can keep any sound from coming out."

She came back, looked over who was where, and then shrugged. "Jiraiya, Konan, over here, please."

Jade took Konan up into one arm and held Jiraiya by the scruff of his neck, keeping it _very_ much in mind that holding him in her arms would put her in the vicinity of her chest, which would be a very bad idea. She called back over her shoulder. "Ripple eye, ghost boy, you come too."

Her peripheral vision caught two blurs following her, one red, one orange. Good, they'd known who she meant, though it wasn't all that hard to tell.

She took them into the office, left them on the ground, and left, hoping for the best.

Jade came back to the group left in the pen and the Akatsuki kittens that were still left on the ground outside of it. She glanced at Hidan, who jerked his chin in acknowledgement. She rolled her eyes and looked back over the kittens. Well, there were a few issues that would probably have to be resolved fairly early on to prevent fights from breaking out later. Deidara would likely have issues with Sasuke, but the boy wasn't in the room right now, so that would have to wait. Karin, Naruto, and Nagato would probably be excited to learn that they had family, but that would have to wait as well. Similarly, she would have to postpone any further makeup meeting between Sasuke and Konoha, or between Jiraiya and Tsunade… However, there were other people that had killed each other, and she wanted to get those meetings out of the way and dealt with as soon as possible.

Jade's eyes landed on Sasori. She looked over at Sakura. There was one match up.

Kakuzu… Naruto and Kakashi, but who else had been involved? Shikamaru had taken out one heart remotely, by tricking Hidan. Kakashi had taken out one with a Chidori. Naruto had taken two with a Rasenshuriken… but who had taken the remaining one? Never mind, having a truce called between Kakuzu and Naruto and Kakashi would be enough for now.

Hidan would have to wait for Shikamaru, and Jade was sure that Deidara was already itching for Sasuke to come out so that he could pick another fight. Too bad the littlest Uchiha was in such high demand.

Konan, Nagato, Yahiko… those three got most of it over with Jiraiya, and a short talk with Naruto would probably smooth over anything else.

Tobi… Jade didn't really feel like divulging his secret to everyone. No, that was best left alone. Phoenix probably wanted to build up tension anyway, considering the fact that Kakashi was here now. Zetsu went hand in hand with Tobi in these matters, though… hm, there was one joke she wanted to make after some information Phoenix had given her had made its way into her lap, but that could wait until the important, dramatic things were over.

Kisame and Suigetsu would probably need a good talk to prevent attempted sword-theft. Come to think of it, Naruto would probably try to pick a fight with Suigetsu about Zabuza's sword…

Itachi was being taken care of as she thought.

Hm… that seemed to be everyone.

"Hidan?" She muttered, catching her… bodyguard's(?) attention. "Mind translating for me?"

He raised an eyebrow, but nodded, stood, and walked over to stand just above the arena.

And so Jade spoke.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasuke stared at the two other cats, slightly on guard. Akatsuki, right? They had to be. One had a dark body and an orange face that swirled; that had to be Tobi. Sasuke's eyes slid to rest on the other cat, which was sitting primly, waiting to be noticed.

"…Aniki?" Sasuke breathed. The cat had long hair, _black_ hair, and black eyes that looked like they were stare right through you, or perhaps into yo—

"Yes."

That one word, that one single word, caused Sasuke's train of thought to crash to a halt.

The next thing he knew, he was barreling into his brother's side, and would have likely been giving him the hug of a lifetime had they both been human.

"Aniki." He whispered, his head pressed into Itachi's side in a manner that many would have called affectionate, whether it was true feline behavior or not.

"Otouto." Itachi sighed, and rested his tiny cat chin on Sasuke's head, trying to ignore the tears, tiny as a grain of salt and just as clear, coming from the younger's eyes.

"Now, this is _sweet _and all, but can we _possibly_ just _move on_, already?" The voice was scathing and condescending, bored and drawling. It was an altogether irritating voice and it belonged to none other than Tobi.

"Tobi." Itachi glared up at him, and Sasuke followed suit. It wasn't so much a _decided_ action as it was just a natural reaction. He no longer hated his brother. Ergo, he imitated his brother the way he had as a child. It didn't necessarily make much sense.

Tobi turned to glare at the ceiling.

_Neither does anything else you do._

Tobi, stop breaking the fourth wall. Moonstone doesn't like having to fix it all the time.

_You let Hidan do it._

Hidan knows when and where to do it so that it goes through the door, or the window, or even the mail slot in the fourth wall. You don't have that kind of finesse; you just smash through.

_You're saying I have less __**finesse**_ _than __**Hidan**__?_

Obviously. So please don't break the wall anymore.

_What's stopping me?_

…Itachi and Sasuke continued to stare at _**Obitobi**_ and—

_Alright, I'll stop!_

Good boy.

Yes… Tobi is a _good boy_.

Tobi internally shuddered and turned back to the two younger Uchiha, both of whom were still sitting on the mat that lay on the bathroom floor, to protect feet from cold tiles or some such nonsense. Tobi himself was sitting on the counter, staring down at them, as if in a show of superiority.

"Madara." Sasuke's eyes narrowed, and his voice was halfway between a regular mewl and a hiss.

"Not quite." Tobi stood and stretched, padding slowly over to edge of the counter. He actually seemed graceful when he dropped down to the grown, with all the feline grace this body carried.

"Then—"

"I am afraid," Tobi stated, relishing in the words. "That the information you seek is, for the moment and for the foreseeable future… _classified_."

…You b******.

That line belongs to the Agents…

You _suck_.

Sasuke stepped closer to him, back arched and fur raised. His tail lashed in agitation, and his ears lay flat against his head. His teeth were bared, hissing, and—

"Sasuke, stand down." Itachi admonished him, quiet and calm, but there was a hint of hidden steel in his voice.

"But—"

"Sasuke. I'm sure you were warned about what would happen if you were to try to kill anyone. I already attempted to kill him once, and the end result was… not very pretty." Itachi's tone was slightly… _off_ on the last few words, as though it weren't quite what he wanted to say, but he couldn't explain any better for whatever reason.

"On the contrary, she was quite pretty." Tobi contradicted Itachi's words. "The scars were a bit of a negative, but overall she was rather good-looking, I'd say. It was really too bad that she electrocuted every last person in the room during her entrance, though I suppose the action was a boon to me…"

Sasuke stared up at Tobi in simultaneous confusion and disgust. He looked over at Itachi for an explanation.

"Agent Opal interfered after we all tried to concurrently kill him. Needless to say, we failed."

Tobi smirked a cat's sardonic grin. "Oh, I'm sure you would have even without her interference. But still, you don't actually want to _kill_ me. After all," His voice changed. "Tobi is a _good_ boy!"

…I hate you so much.

"Besides," He licked at one paw, the picture of feline boredom. "You shouldn't have been trying to kill me at all. The Phoenix Corporation warned us all, and Jade was rather adamant that we not kill anyone inside her house. I believe she mentioned something about… bloodstains?"

Itachi's tail lashed once, a single signal of his irritation. Sasuke glanced back and forth between the two.

"You… listen to this… Jade?"

"Well, we can't _attack_ her." Tobi drawled, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Imagine how Phoenix would react if we attacked her little… _pet_. Moreover, Jade-_chan_," such a heavy emphasis was placed on that word, such sarcasm, "knows this world much better than we do, and has been… _caring_ for us all since we got here, even before she knew who we truly were."

Pet?

…Meh, whatever. Could be worse.

"And why would this… _Jade_," Sasuke tested out the name again, still having a little trouble with the ending, "Choose to place the three of us like this?"

"I presume," Itachi stated, "That she wished for us three, as the last of the Uchiha clan, to _bond_, for lack of a better term."

Sasuke turned to look at Tobi and, in a surreal moment, snorted his disbelief. "Yeah, not happening."

Tobi didn't even _try_ to look suitably offended. He simply yawned.

o.o.o.o.o

Three silent kittens, one red, one orange, one blue, sat facing in one direction.

One silent, quiescent kitten, white with some small amount of red, sat facing in _their_ direction.

_Awkward~!_

"So…" Yahiko dragged the word out, and then took a step back. "These two have something to say."

Both of the other two Ame nin turned to shoot him glares, but spun their little heads right back around at the reply.

"I'm willing to listen." Jiraiya spoke slowly, stiffly, in a way that made them nearly cringe.

Oh, Kami, it was like they were all little kids in frog suits again. Or like they'd done something almost incurably stupid during training and were being reprimanded for the idiocy now. To be fair, the latter was actually a fairly good analogy for what had actually happened, but it was still so unnerving to feel like reprimanded teenagers again.

"Ano…" Nagato shifted on his paws, glancing over at Konan. He'd heard what little conversation the two had carried before coming out of the closed-off area, and it had only been regarding what rules there were in the household. Indirect, cold, and _extremely_ telling.

"I'm sorry!" Konan was the first to break, throwing her little kitten body into a deep bow. Nagato blinked, thought it over for less than a second, and followed suit.

Had this meeting happened several months earlier, such as when they first arrived, they would not have reacted thusly. They would have stayed as the cold, unfeeling rulers they had been for years, and the conversation would have been far more stilted and chilly. However, they had grown almost _soft_ in their time in Jade's care, and had learned of information that they wouldn't have otherwise… and gotten back Yahiko. They'd grown freer with their emotions, less controlled; it had happened to all of Akatsuki bar Hidan, who seemed to be growing less and less unstable with every visit that Jashin made.

Jiraiya blinked, his stern and emotionless façade cracking. His mouth opened a little, though whether it was to speak words that never came out or it was simply a sign of his surprise wasn't important. He snapped his mouth shut and looked over at Yahiko in confusion. The dead man shrugged.

Jiraiya sighed. "Come over here."

Confused and slightly wary, Konan and Nagato came closer, almost stalking, towards Jiraiya.

A white paw lashed out and caught them both on the heads.

…Ow.

"What were you _thinking?_" He glared at them, and there was disappointment on his fur-covered features. The two Amenin shied away from their former teacher, feeling like they were children again.

"Ano… maybe they were just thinking that I was dead and then their brains broke?" Yahiko suggested, entirely too upbeat for the situation at hand.

"I'll talk to _you_ later." Jiraiya snapped, and then turned back to his former students.

The interesting thing about all this was that Jiraiya was in the form of a kitten that was about five weeks old. The Ame trio was in the form of cats just entering their adolescent period, several months old. Yet he was the one reprimanding them.

"What possessed you to possibly start Akatsuki?" Jiraiya demanded, and they had the feeling that his arms would be crossed were he human.

"Well, it was originally just the rebel faction we led against Hanzo," Konan explained, nervous despite herself. She was an adult, a kunoichi, the Angel of Amegakure! Why the h*** was she so—"but then Yahiko was killed by Hanzo and a man called Danzo from Konoha—"

"Stop." Jiraiya held up a paw. "Back up. Danzo was involved?"

"Yes." Nagato tilted his head to the side. "You know him?"

Jiraiya's eyes narrowed. "No s***. He's part of the Hokage's advisory council."

Silence reigned for several seconds, and then Yahiko tentatively put forth a suggestion. "How about we all just start from the beginning and see what happened?"

Several minutes later…

"I'm going to kill him. If I ever get back," Jiraiya ground out, hissing as he stalked around, his claws digging into the carpet. "Then I am going to kill him."

"Sensei…?"

The three from Ame watched him as he hissed to himself, a little worried. Konan felt almost out of place suggesting anything, but did so anyway. "You could just tell the Hokage and have him arrested, right? Better to have him suffer at the hands of what he tried to protect than—"

"No. He's too dangerous to leave alive. He has too many loyal subordinates in ROOT that have infiltrated into ANBU, too many other tricks up his sleeve. It's best to just kill him as soon as possible."

"Poison?" Yahiko perked up, looking excited.

"Death by a thousand paper cuts?" Konan mused, a glint of sadism entering her eye.

"I could just rip out his soul. It would be far harder to negate, after all." Nagato offered.

There was silence for several more seconds as they realized that, instead of offering each other apologies and talking through things the _normal_ way, they had begun to bond by planning a murder.

Regular shinobi business, then.

At least they were getting along.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade yawned as she sequestered away several more kittens. She looked at her watch and noticed that it was after seven. Let's see… she could keep messing around with the kittens, or…

"Hidan, mind doing a favor for me?"

"No…" The man looked at her suspiciously. "What kind of favor?"

"Soon as all the others are done, get them back in here. Put the new arrivals back in their boxes with a couple of towels for bedding. Get Konan to put up a wall around all of them, and all the Akatsuki kittens… yeah, you guys can go wait in your basket bed thing." She yawned again, stretching a little. "Now, school only ended today, so I'm going to go sleep away the next dozen plus hours to start off my vacation."

"What about the bathroom?" Hidan asked with suspiciously innocent levity.

"You mean the Uchiha? They'll be—"

"What happens if the ones in there need to use the bathroom?" Hidan clarified, pointing at the remaining Konoha nin, Taka members, and Orochimaru, who appeared to be sitting against the wall and watching everything with, of all things, amusement. As if he'd _planned_ this.

Which was really, really wrong. Seriously, this is all me. What right does he have to pretend he had _anything_ to do with this?

Maybe we should induct him into the fourth wall…

Hidan froze and turned to look at the ceiling. "No. No, no, no, no, no. Imagine what he could do!"

I am. Why do you think I'm suggesting it in the first place?

"…Just please don't do it."

I'll let the readers decide. A review could change things one way or the other!

"Stop soliciting."

Am not!

Jade coughed, getting Hidan's attention. "I know that listening to your one-sided argument with the author is supposed to be amusing and all, but I'm tired, and I want to go to bed."

Sorry.

Hidan rolled his eyes and turned back to Jade. "Well?"

"Put the boxes on their sides, have Konan put up walls so that they don't see each other, but leave them open ended to a different 'paper room' with the litter box. Konoha in one box, Taka in another, Orochimaru on his own. Tell them that they're not allowed to interact with the other groups until I wake up tomorrow, and have someone play sentinel." Jade turned again to head up the stairs.

"And if one of Akatsuki needs to go?" Hidan asked. It was almost like he was mocking her.

Jade turned to look at him, eyebrow raised and eyes half-lidded. "I didn't say that you have to be turned again, did I? You stay human, and switch over anyone that needs to use the restroom so they can use the actual toilet."

"But then I'll have to stay awake all night."

"You're a shinobi, get used to it."

"But—"

"Hidan…" Jade whined. She actually whined. "C'mon, please? I just finished up my last day of school and I wanna _sleep~_…"

"Alright, alright!" Hidan rolled his eyes. Jade smiled gratefully, but her parting shot wasn't quite as sweet as her face.

"Now shut up and let me sleep."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: That's not all! There's still more to come! And I just realized that if I write all the conversations even close to as in depth as this, then I'll probably end up writing the confrontations for at least another two chapters. It's a bit of a daunting prospect, but it's also a veritable goldmine for character development.**

**There's a new poll on my page, so you can go check that out.**

**I drew a slightly disturbing picture of Diamond, which is up on my DA page at the moment. It's got a minor mature warning due to the gore (you can see her ribs, and some bones in a wing, and… yeah…). It's not very good, but I've been getting better.**

**ALSO: ****SaphiraEragon**** has recently started a story called ****The Great Fan War****, which has various authors joining her in the destruction of crazy fangirls. She even contacted me, but I managed to barter my way around to sending an Agent instead. She chose Moonstone, so that particular fella will be even more ****Out Of Focus**** than the rest of the PC in this story. I've been betaing the story, and I greatly urge you to go check it out.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	21. Kate Is Slightly Saner

**A/N: I realized, with the advent of chapter 619, that I really wanted to include the four Hokage. Mostly because I think Hashirama is **_**hilarious**_**. But bringing them back to life would break the rules for necromancy in the PC… so it's a REALLY good thing that I have my imagination to come up with a solution. Because I did. Come up with a solution, that is. And it's amazing. You'll have to wait a few chapters (so… two to four months, I think? I'll be doing a special update around the anniversary the way I did for **_**Fly Free**_**), but you'll see them. And possibly another dead Kage as well (though only a few people will probably be able to guess which one).**

**ALSO! Anyone remember my Kakashi Time travel oneshot? **_**Shattered by Time**_**? It got second place in ****Nezkov-Sou****'s contest, and I recently got a the prize, which was a full body picture of Agent Opal, including my final decision on her day-to-day outfit, and a really good look at how I imagine her hair, expression, and body language. The link is in my profile, and I **_**highly**_** recommend that you go look at it. The only thing really missing is the scars, and those are only gone because of the way her head is turned. The picture is **_**amazing**_**, but the artist in question thinks he did a bad job, so go and comment on it if you have an account on DA. Comments on DA pictures are even less common than reviews on FFnet stories. So go. Shoo. Look at it.**

o.o.o.o.o

Sakura was uncomfortable where she was. She was too small, too cute, too weak to do anything. She was incapable of holding off anyone and everyone that was human… and it was just her luck that every last one of the Akatsuki, even the ones that should be dead, could change back to human form.

Last night had been… odd. The civilian girl, Jade, had wasted no time in having the half-dressed priest, Hidan, explain to them the rules that had been set up over the several months that the Akatsuki had spent there so far. At least the rules weren't too constrictive. They were sensible for the most part, the reasoning behind them sound. But…

It was a little terrifying. The Akatsuki had been here long enough to each be at least a pound or two heavier than her and the rest of the new arrivals (though she was almost definitely the smallest one there), and could turn human in a moment if they had to. And yet, despite that, she and the others were stuck as kittens until their own 'cures' (so unbelievable, that) could be found. Smaller than the Akatsuki members (except that one boy, Juugo, the orange one; he was enormous), less capable, they couldn't defend themselves. Naruto had even mentioned… even mentioned that he couldn't feel the Kyuubi.

Sakura couldn't help but be thankful for the rule that prevented people from fighting or killing each other. Sure, Jade seemed to occasionally ignore certain fights (Sakura was sure she had heard at least one erupt between the water boy and the girl with the strange red hair on Sasuke's new te…

Sasuke.

So much came from that one word, that one name. Dear Kami, he was just a few feet away, just on the other side of the paper wall. And Sakura, much as she wanted to, didn't dare go and try to start a confrontation with him.

Not when Hidan sat only a short way away, half-asleep but still alert _enough_, with his scythe in hand and ready to strike down anyone that broke these rules.

The rules did suit Hidan, when he wanted them to.

o.o.o.o.o

What did Karin and Suigetsu argue about?

Suigetsu needed to use the bathroom (litter box).

He was terrified of Orochimaru.

He didn't want to go while Orochimaru might be nearby.

Karin wanted him to stop pacing.

Suigetsu was still terrified of the revived snake man.

Suigetsu was pacing to try to relieve the tension in his bladder.

Karin was annoyed and lashed out.

God forbid anyone have the need to go tinkle at the same time as Orochimaru.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade ignored the paper cage as she came down the stairs, yawning and stretching, at almost noon. Bleary eyes looked over the area and moved on to the sole human occupant of the house other than her.

"Morning."

Hidan raised an eyebrow in her direction, and then glanced at the clock.

"Don't even think about it." Jade gave a preemptive admonishment, rubbing the back of her neck as she rolled it and yawned again. "I got a good night's sleep for the first time in months. I'm tired of dealing with your bulls***, Hidan."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know you're thinking it."

Hidan chuckled, but it was surprisingly good-natured.

Mewling noises came from the paper cage again, and then yet more from the basket that Akatsuki normally used (Jade noted that she'd need to get more places for them to sleep soon). She groaned and rubbed at her eyes. "Come on, this early in the morning?"

"It's ele—"

"You don't have the right to talk." Jade interrupted him irritably, waving a hand sharply in his direction. Hidan blinked in surprise, and put his hands up in surrender.

"O…kay?"

Jade sighed. "Just… did you already give everyone food? Everyone got to go to the bathroom and whatnot?"

"Yeah…"

"Joy." She rubbed the heel of one palm into her eye. "I think Suigetsu's cure is probably the same as Kisame's was, so we could probably get him over with right now. It'll work as proof, at least. Probably."

Hidan shrugged. "Do you want me to get him?"

"Yeah, you do that. I'll make some breakfast for myself."

When Hidan came back with Suigetsu in his hands, Jade raised an eyebrow at the scratches on his arms. "Let me guess: he didn't come quietly?"

"He's a dumba**." Hidan growled, glaring at the kitten that he was holding out at arm's length. The kitten glared back.

Jade sighed again. "Alright, get him over here. I've got a bowl ready, in case getting him wet isn't enough and actual submersion is required.

If it was possible for a kitten to look conflicted, Suigetsu did. On the one hand, water was his life. He _was_ water. On the other hand (paw?), he was currently a cat, and cats generally did _not_ handle water well.

Jade and Hidan ignored this, the latter unceremoniously dropping Suigetsu-the-cat into the mixing bowl.

The poof of smoke was almost expected by this point, and Jade didn't even bother to change her expression at the naked teenage boy that was about to be revealed by the thinning smoke. She didn't even cover her eyes, just turned and left to go get the clothes that she was sure would be on the front step.

"Just don't let him do anything other than henge up and stand on the floor until I get back with the clothes."

o.o.o.o.o

And this was awkward.

Lots of things had been, in the past day, crazy as it was. But to Jade, who had been, for lack of a better word, administrating the whole time, this was the first truly awkward moment.

Kisame sat in one chair.

Suigetsu sat in another.

They sat facing each other from across the room.

Kisame had Samehada.

Suigetsu had nothing.

Jade and Hidan sat on the couch between them.

Hidan had his scythe.

Jade had a pistol (though she knew it would probably be useless in this company).

And things were _awkward_.

An added problem was that while Hidan could understand anyone present—at least, he would if Jade chose to stick to English as she had during most of the Akatsuki's stay other than the rare incidents where they really, really irritated her—and Kisame could understand at least half of the English, Suigetsu and Jade couldn't really say or do anything without a translator.

(That was one of the main reasons for Hidan's presence. The other was to keep Jade safe and inflict her will and punishment on the two former Kiri nin if she needed it done.)

But, as it seemed to turn out, the translator wasn't needed.

_Because no one was talking_.

And it was _awkward_.

Kisame and Suigetsu were just staring at each other, occasionally making weird, semi-antagonistic facial twitches that one could only understand if they'd spent copious amounts of time around an Uchiha, which everyone present sadly had.

Jade stood up. Three pairs of eyes swiveled to her. She ignored them and turned to leave.

"Call me if anything actually happens."

She left.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori had no illusions about the fact that Jade wouldn't spare anyone from her initial peace-making attempts. At least the girl had reasonable rationale for it. From what ramblings he'd heard from both her and Hidan, many fans would have attempted to seduce at least one member by now (and though Jade and Deidara had had their little evening, neither had considered anything more than a one-time thing, and Jade hadn't been the one to initiate it, anyway), maybe more, and tried to make even more people be friends or even fall into what they referred to as an OTP.

Apparently, that meant One True Pairing.

Where was the nerve gas when you needed it?

In any case, Jade's main reasoning was to get it all over with as soon as possible so that she wouldn't have to deal with festering anger and resentment later on. Sure, it would be amusing, she told them, but it would also likely end in the destruction of _something_, and she didn't feel like replacing her personal affects just because a few ninja couldn't keep caps on their tempers.

At least _that_ made some amount of _sense_.

Jade was looking over them now, all of them still in kitten form. She bit her lip, chewing on it slightly as she presumably considered who to "pair up" for mediation talks next. The new arrivals were all, thankfully, still in Konan's paper cage.

Sasori's eyes narrowed as Jade's demeanor changed ever so slightly. "Alright, I have no doubt that the two have talked already, but can I have Jiraiya and Tsunade over here, please?"

While neither of the two she was ordering about could understand her words, Konan translated from her position on the wall. Hidan was still in the other room with Suigetsu and Kisame (who had progressed to a somewhat stilted conversation), and Nagato, Tobi, and Itachi had been ordered to stay away for the time being for some reason. Konan had at least a little trust from everyone but Orochimaru, and understood well enough to translate, so she got the job.

Sasori knew that was the main reason that he wasn't given the job. It didn't really matter to Jade what people wanted (on the contrary, she seemed to find amusement in occasionally torturing them by making either their favorite food and not giving any to them, or their least favorite and forcing them to eat and compliment it), but what would work best and cause her the least amount of trouble. And Sasori, for all his softening over the past months (which wasn't much, but was noticeable), was still a b****** that none of the new arrivals would trust under any circumstances.

Jade leaned down and picked up the two kittens she'd picked up, lifting them to place one on each shoulder, thankfully covered in thick enough fabric that the claws couldn't pierce it.

Oddly, she then picked up Konan and brought her up close to her face, walking several feet away and whispering something that Sasori couldn't quite hear. Konan did some translating, and Sasori was surprised to see that it resulted in the Senju shaking her head, almost embarrassed. Jade, on the other hand, seemed satisfied, walked off out of sight, presumably to put the two somewhere to talk.

Then she came back, asked for the pink kitten, the Haruno girl, and turned to look straight… at… him…

This was _not_ going to end well.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade smiled to herself as she looked out over the remaining kittens, making sure she had who she needed to get this over with. Tsunade and Jiraiya had actually just been to embarrass and irritate the two (though she rationalized it to herself as needing to get this over with before Tsunade's promise was shown in a video clip or something), and Sasori and Sakura… Well, that was just going to be so many shades of awkward that she couldn't help but laugh a little at times. She had no doubts that the two could have coexisted peacefully just by ignoring each other, but…

Well, she needed to have a little fun with this, right?

"Hey, could I have Sakura over here, please?"

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori's only petty satisfaction was to see Jade's face fall as she heard the doorbell ring while she closed the door on him to his doom.

A petty satisfaction, but a satisfaction nonetheless.

And then he heard the pinkette whispering curses to herself in a panic behind him, and all satisfaction flew out the window in favor of irritation.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked out the peephole in the door, relaxing slightly as she recognized the person on the other side. Of all the people it could have been, it was one of the few that she could trust with this. And it wasn't like the other girl was _banned_ or anything, so it was really Jade's own fault for not warning her away.

Green eyes and blonde hair were at the door. A tall physique and a sunny grin under a spread of freckles.

"Kate, now is a _really_ bad time." Jade tried to dissuade her friend from attempting to force entry into the house.

Kate raised an eyebrow and tried to get a look around Jade. "Really? What happened?"

"…We got some new arrivals yesterday." Jade admitted. She didn't really want to bother with trying to argue with Kate right now. It never went anywhere good.

Green eyes lit up. "Who?! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

Jade blinked. "Post-artist Seven, the legendary three, and Hawk slash Snake."

Kate thought through it for a second, her face pensive, and then a grin spread. "Do you know what this means?"

"Not in concerns to you. I need to go back to keep moderating the clashes." Jade turned, leaving the door open since she knew that her friend would have no compunctions in staying at her door and ringing her doorbell for as long as she needed to. She would refuse to stop until Jade let her in just to spare herself the annoyance.

Kate came in behind Jade, and immediately saw the paper arena, which was only a few feet away from the door. She stepped up to the edge and smiled down at the occupants. She kneeled down and held out a hand, waiting for one to come to here. A black cat came closer, sniffing at her hand before she scratched it on the head. "Let me guess… Sai?"

The cat cocked its head to the side, but nodded, seeming to recognize its name. Kate picked him up and noted the white underbelly as she set him down in her lap, still sitting on the floor. She grinned a little more as she pet him, and he began to purr.

"Well, he's not one of the ones I was planning on using at any point, so I don't really mind if you keep playing with him for a while." Jade spoke up from behind her, and then stepped past to come closer to the arena area, and then hesitated. "Ah… I should have done the Hawk and Seven meeting first. I can't take care of the second set of family business…"

She sighed, looking over the kittens that were still in the area. "Guess I'll just wait a while, then. Three at a time isn't so bad, after all."

"What are you talking about?" Kate frowned up at her.

"I've been setting various members of the different groups up for… discussion, I suppose. If I let things fester for too long it'll cause trouble later and I don't want any fights breaking out. If I get it all over with as soon as possible… well, it's just going give me less trouble in the long run."

"Huh." Kate stood up, still holding Sai in her arms. "Who have you gotten so far?"

Jade's eyelids came down slightly as she thought. "Hm… Well, I took care of the Uchiha brothers and ToMaTo man yesterday, and the Ame trio and Jiraiya as well. I've got Suigetsu and Kisame talking things through in the living room with Hidan there to prevent a fight if necessary. Um… Sakura and Sasori are over in that room, but that wasn't really _necessary_ so much as it was me feeling like messing with Sasori's head again. And… I've got Jiraiya and Tsunade talking over the promise she made to herself after he left on his last mission, about what she would do if he came back alive."

Kate raised an eyebrow. Her tone, when she spoke, was as sarcastic as you would expect of a teenage girl. "That all?"

Jade smirked back. "I've also got something planned for," She leaned in close to whisper quietly enough so that none of the kittens would hear, "the last three known Uzumaki," she leaned back away, "And a few truces that have to be made over deaths. Let's see… Kakuzu has to put up with Naruto and Kakashi; Deidara's probably going to be at Sasuke's throat for a while; I already got Sasori and Sakura, even if they were probably the two that I would have to worry about the least… Let's see, Nagato and Yahiko died on their own terms. Hidan can wait, and Kisame, Konan, Zetsu, and Tobi didn't even die. We both know what the deal with Itachi is, and, um, who else…" She tapped her chin. "I'm just going to keep Orochimaru isolated for as long as possible."

Kate stared at her for several more seconds. "You overthink things."

"No, I just think them through." Jade corrected. "Actually, I'm pretty sure we could get the Kakuzu-Konoha confrontation out of the way right now… could you give me a minute? I want to do this quickly."

"I have a question, though." Kate spoke up. Jade turned back from where she had been heading out of the room, one eyebrow raised.

"Yes?"

"What about the ones that already talked without your orders?" Kate pointed at the caged area. "I mean, couldn't they have talked on their own already?"

Jade just shook her head. "I've kept Taka and Konoha separated, and Orochimaru's been isolated the whole time. Jiraiya and Tsunade might've talked, but I doubt they talked about the promise, mostly because only Tsunade was aware of it and hadn't really told anyone. I can't remember if she even told Shizune, but the point is that it would be indescribably awkward to just randomly bring it up, and even more so for everyone to find out through the show. No, I doubt they've talked about it, and I'm sure that getting them to talk is a good idea."

"…You could have just said that you took some precautions, you know."

"I like explaining things. Now, I need to go set up a truce between a miser, a Cyclops, and a demon container. Wish me luck."

"Uh… good luck?"

Then the fire alarm went off.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade got down from the chair, kitchen broom in hand, from where she had stood turning off the alarm. She rounded on the two men that were supposed to be her guests, and frowned, arms crossed. "Was this supposed to be some sort of joke?"

Kisame shifted a little, not quite nervous (Jade was a civilian, after all), but not exactly comfortable either. "Er… yes?"

Jade turned to look at Itachi. "I expected you to have better sense than this."

"If I get this farce of a fascination out of my way now, I don't need to do this later."

Jade frowned as her own reasoning was thrown back at her. "Still, couldn't you have at least told me beforehand?"

Her only answer was a shrug from Kisame and a blank stare from Itachi.

"Uh, Jade? The water is still on fire… How is that even possible?" Kate stood in the doorway, still holding Sai, and stared at the pot on the stove.

Suigetsu was still edging away from Itachi. Slowly. Because, um, he wanted to get some fresh air. Right.

It had _nothing_ to do with the fact that he was made of water and had just seen Uchiha f***in' Itachi set a pot of the lovely life-giving liquid on fire.

_Nothing_.

o.o.o.o.o

Well, Jade at least knew the outcome of the discussion between Suigetsu and Kisame, which had ended in a decision to tolerate each other, though there seemed to be good-natured teasing coming from both sides. Usually, good-natured, anyway, as the smirks on their faces occasionally grew strained and made it seem as though they were far less happy with each other than suggested.

Her next move, Jade decided once Kakuzu, Naruto, and Kakashi were taken care of, was to check in on the other groups that were… dealing.

Sakura and Sasori had apparently worked through the issues enough that they seemed at most ambivalent, though Jade was tempted to play at pretending to be an armchair psychologist to irritate Sasori a little more. Unfortunately for all of us who would have loved to see this, her common sense won out, and she simply let them out, carrying Sakura back to the Konoha section of the cage, though the area was now empty. Sasuke, Karin, and Juugo were still in Taka's area, and no one actually wanted to go near Orochimaru.

Kate, strangely, decided that Sakura looked lonely. So within thirty seconds, the girl had a cat on each shoulder, one pink, one mostly black, and both rather confused. Jade just shook her head and turned back towards the door that led to another room, and opened it to find one of the cutest scenes she possibly could have found.

Jiraiya and Tsunade.

Sleeping.

Side by side.

_Snuggling_.

It was adorable.

…She decided to leave them on the floor of the room (one that happened to be her brother's) until she actually needed them.

o.o.o.o.o

Kate looked up as Jade came back into the room, and then noticed that while the slightly older girl didn't have any kittens with her, she was wearing a slightly indulgent smile. "What happened?"

Jade chuckled. "They fell asleep on the floor, and they looked so cute that I didn't really have the heart to move them."

"Oh… is that all of them, then? Kakuzu's in the office with Naruto and Kakashi, right?"

"Yes… we'll give them another hour or so, and then we'll arrange for the meeting between Team 7 and Taka." Jade mused. "That should work."

Kate shrugged. It wasn't really her problem anyway. "Hey, Jade…"

"What?"

"Can I make a giant kitten pile and just snuggle with them for a while?"

Jade sent her a look. "How many of these predominantly male kittens do you think will refrain from using it as a chance to touch your chest?"

Kate blinked and glanced down at her chest. She looked back up at Jade. "It's not like there's really a lot to touch, Jade."

"My answer is still no."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Don't hate me. I just… Sakura and Sasori probably would have been boring (I may recap later with a flashback, but don't get your hopes up), and I really don't want to "intrude" on Tsunade and Jiraiya's privacy… because it would just be weird.**

**Jade now has over twenty kittens in her house. She officially a cat lady.**

**Guess what? I was talking to someone on DA yesterday, and they apparently nearly had a freak out when they realized that I was "the phoenix corporation lady." They even said that they were "euphoric." I'm not making this up.  
…That experience made me very happy for a few hours. And then I had to go write English IA stuff and my mood plummeted.**

**I have been promised more fanart by people! I'm not sure why, but late January/early February seems to be the point when people started deciding to take my requests seriously and actually drawing stuff for me and reccing (Fly Free, in this case) and stuff. So, to all you people out there who care: Thanks.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**

**PS – We get a godly visitor next chapter, and maybe another after that. Anticipate them.**


	22. Sometimes It's Okay To Cry

**A/N: Happy anniversary! AK:PCO has now been up for a full year. Love you all for sticking with me this far.**

**Though… There is one thing: people seem to be assuming that there's a plot. There, um, kind of isn't. There's no central conflict. There's no rising action, climax, falling action, or denouement that lasts for more than a few chapters. It's just… what did you guys think was the plot? I'm honestly curious now: is there a plot that you guys have seen in here? If so, tell me what the supposed plot was, because if I have one but just didn't realize it, I'd like to know that now, before I go off and do something ridiculous that drives people away because of ignoring said plot (okay, there's **_**one**_**… but I haven't really kick-started it yet, and won't really start developing that one until the sequel anyway).**

**PS – I got fanart! Suki Miko drew Itachi and Sasuke's reunion for me, so go check that out. Link is in my profile.**

**Anyone feel like drawing the Jiraiya and Tsunade from the last chapter? I want to see snuggling JiraTsu.**

o.o.o.o.o

Jade glanced up as she heard the tinny sounds of dubstep emanating from Kate. Jade had just finished with dealing with Kakuzu, Kakashi, and Naruto. Kate jerked for a second from where she was playing with Sai and Sakura, and quickly dug out her phone, barely glancing at the caller ID before answering.

"Hey, Mom." Kate fiddled absentmindedly with Sai's ears as she spoke. "What's wrong?"

There was silence for several seconds. "Jade's house, I told you before I came."

More silence, Kate's face getting a little exasperated. "I don't _know_. Maybe a few hours? I'll probably be back before curfew, though. Maybe I'll stay overnight…"

There was some more talking on the other line, and then Kate flushed bright red. "No! Mom, that's—I'm not—stop, please!"

Jade chuckled softly, as though she knew something no one else did. "Again?"

"I—he's not here, Mom! The only boys here are Jade's cats." Kate's flush was starting to diminish.

The line was technically the truth, Jade supposed. They were originally her cats, so calling them her cats right now was sufficiently accurate…

"Yeah, bye Mom." Kate turned her phone back off and turned to look at Jade. "I've got permission to either stay until I have to leave for curfew, or to stay until morning."

Jade nodded, and then a suppressed smirk made its way onto her face. "So…"

Kate sent her a suspicious look.

"…what was that ringtone?" And the sudden swerve that Kate didn't expect left the younger girl floundering.

"Uh… Internet Friends, by Knife Party." Kate answered. "I heard it a few days ago and thought it was cool, so…"

"I see." Jade waited a few more seconds for Kate to relax a bit further, and then grinned again, hitting at Kate's point of embarrassment now that she was no longer on her guard. "So was your mom asking about your crush on my brother again?"

Kate's flush returned. "None of your business."

"Au contraire, Kate. It's very much my business." Jade was having far too much fun teasing her friend like this.

"Is _not_." Kate huffed, folding her arms and looking away stubbornly. "Besides, he's too old for me."

"You're just waiting until you're eighteen so you can try to ask him out." Jade continued to grin.

Kate buried her face into her knees.

Jade just started to laugh, hand over her mouth. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Suigetsu, still human, blankly staring at her in consternation.

She calmed down a little and called out to him. "Oi, what's up? You need something?"

Suigetsu tilted his head to the side. A second later, he had turned to stare at Hidan, who had decided to step in and spare the headaches. Not that he really wanted to… but it was necessary, no matter how much he wanted to see the pain of others.

Suigetsu listened to Hidan's fast speech, and then shrugged and replied. Hidan then turned to Jade. "He's just confused about who she is, why she's here, and why she's reacting so strongly to what you're saying."

Jade tilted her head to the side a little. "She's Kate, and she's a close friend of mine. And she's reacting like this because I'm insistently teasing her about the crush she has on my brother."

Suigetsu listened to Hidan's explanation, and then began to laugh as well. Kate's blush only deepened.

"It's not funny…" She muttered, glaring away from them all. Suigetsu choked out a few sentences, which caused some rather interesting reactions in the two kittens that had climbed their way back up to Kate's shoulders. Sakura mewled softly, almost laughing a little, and then rubbed her head against Kate's neck in an almost maternal or sisterly manner. Sai just tilted his head in confusion and mewled something, which dragged him into a conversation with Sakura that Jade didn't bother trying to understand.

Jade was suddenly struck by a strange thought. While Juugo was older than her, the other "kids" on the teams that had shown up were all younger than her, probably by over half a year, at least.

It was odd, to consider that. They were fifteen at the start of Shippuden, and had likely turned sixteen by now… which meant they were all younger than her and Kate.

Strange.

Jade shook the intruding thoughts from her head and turned to the matter at hand. If she was going to keep control of the situation, she needed to focus. There were three major confrontations left to take care of. The three Uzumaki (who had such wildly differing personalities that it was almost ridiculous), Sasuke and Deidara (actually, she was probably going to post someone to keep watch over that pair, or do it herself. She didn't want any blood on her floor), and…

Team Seven and Sasuke.

_The_ epitome of dramatic confrontations in Naruto.

Or, at least, they should have been.

Like a _soap opera_.

(She resolutely ignored confrontations like the one between Obitobi—

_I hate you._

—and Konan, which were filled with so much tension that she almost wanted to go get a knife and cut it. But she didn't, because cutting tension was only ever a good idea in the metaphorical sense, and she'd look crazy if she tried to do it literally.)

In any case, those were the three main confrontations left. She rather wanted to leave the Team Seven and Sasuke meeting for last, so Deidara was up, and…

Jade grinned and turned towards the kitten pen, waving a hand to get the attention from the ones inside. "Oi, Uchiha. Get over here."

The black cat stared at her, eyes a little narrowed and suspicious, but understanding of the fact that as far as these proceedings were concerned, he had no choice. Jade's word was law… until the Akatsuki got irritated enough that most of them simply… boycotted. But he didn't see that happening any time soon. What little he'd seen and heard implied that most of them were at least slightly fond of her, though probably not outright friendly.

He padded over to her, slow, cautious, but allowed himself to be lifted up anyway. She babbled something in that strange language that he didn't understand, and held him in a way so that he couldn't see who was following.

Jade smirked as she lightly set down the Uchiha kitten, and then stood back just enough to let a long-haired yellow one through. "Have fun, boys."

o.o.o.o.o

Kate tilted her head, looking back over her shoulder after a second as she heard Jade chuckling. "What did you do?"

Jade looked up, pulling off her glasses to wipe them clean on her shirt, whether the action was necessary or not. "Well, Deidara and Sasuke needed a little resolution, right?"

Kate's face froze. "You… no! That's a terrible idea!"

Jade shrugged. "Maybe. But I won't suffer any consequences from it, nothing's being hurt besides their egos, and it amuses me. There's no reason not to."

"It's stupid." Kate retorted.

Jade smiled at her, and then pointed at the ceiling. "Well, I'm not the one controlling my plot-relevant actions, now am I?"

Kate's mouth gaped, and she pointed accusatorily at Jade. "You can't just blame everything on the author."

"Can't I?" Jade threw back, slipping her glasses onto her face once more. "And it's not as if I'm blaming everything on her, just saying that we can't really be sure which of our actions are actually done completely of our own volition."

"So you're saying that she's controlling you." Kate's voice was dubious.

Jade rolled her eyes. "Of course not. She can't make me do anything grossly out of character, because that would undermine her writing ability. And she can't control my every action because she's not going to write out every day of my life. The only real rule seems to be that I can't do anything she disapproves of while she's writing me, which happens to be less than five percent of the time. And even then, I usually have plans that are in line with hers, supposedly because I am a character of her design."

Kate stared, and then shook her head. "Okay, fine. I'm just going to stop trying to argue with that because you're making me question things that I shouldn't be questioning and making my head hurt."

"Good. I don't want to keep ruminating on whether my free will exists or not."

"Just stop talking, please." Kate said as she glared at the girl that was supposedly her best friend.

Jade just smirked.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasuke and Deidara glared at each other. There was no real animosity in Sasuke's gaze; he honestly _didn't care_ about most things anymore. Deidara was a… not a blip on his radar (S-ranks could never just be blips), but he wasn't _important_ to the youngest Uchiha.

Deidara wasn't as hateful as he would have been several months earlier, immediately after being brought back to life. Several months of life in a civilian household, even if he was a kitten half the time, had softened him. All of Akatsuki, really. It wasn't _Jade's_ doing, of course. But they weren't sent on missions anymore. They didn't have to plan for taking over the world, or whatever each person's individual goal was. They didn't have to worry about other shinobi trying to kill them in the middle of the night. It was _calm_, and it affected everyone, Deidara included. Their feelings, their emotions and thoughts, were less intense, more… mellow. And Deidara? He didn't hate as much as he used to. There was no reason.

Of course, that didn't mean he had forgiven Sasuke, or forgiven Itachi, or forgiven Obitobi.

_I hate you so much_.

Stop breaking the fourth wall. You're not even in this scene!

Ahem.

Deidara hadn't forgiven him, but he no long wanted to bodily murder Sasuke in the bloodiest and most explosive manner possible. If he was going to kill Sasuke, he'd do it quickly and just try to get Sasuke out of his overly-long blond hair. He didn't hate… but his dislike and distaste were _very_ strong.

So they glared. Sasuke glared out of habit, and Deidara glared out of dislike.

It took three and a half minutes for them to even say the first word.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade had one other thing to do with the kittens before getting to the Team Seven and Sasuke meeting. She walked over to the arena and snapped her fingers above it to get their attention. "Karin, Naruto. Both of you, over here."

The two came forward hesitantly, unsure, but got there anyway. Jade picked them up and called back over her shoulder. "Hidan, could you come over here for a second?"

The man did as asked, and Jade used him as a living Google Translate again. "Could you tell them that I want them to wait in the room until I get the last person?"

Hidan did as asked, and turned to leave. "Not yet, Hidan. Give me a minute. I want them all to hear it at the same time. It'll be more dramatic that way."

"And that is important because…?"

Jade shrugged, motioning for him to follow her as they went to the office. "I normally avoid drama, but this is one scene that I have no doubt Phoenix is writing,"

"She is." Hidan confirmed.

Jade continued as though he hadn't even spoken. "And if she is, then drama and conflict are something that people _want_ to see."

Hidan rolled his eyes, but followed along.

Jade ignored the pen this time, and chose to go over to a small gathering of the other kittens, the older kittens, the Akatsuki kittens, again. "Hey, Nagato, do you mind coming with me for a moment?"

He nodded, and Jade kneeled own, arms held just wide enough to catch the red kitten as he leaped up into her grasp.

Hidan frowned as he followed Jade back to the room where she had left Naruto and Karin. She opened her arms up enough to let Nagato down to the ground, and then turned to whisper in Hidan's ear.

Hidan blinked and then turned to her with wide mouth and eyes. "Are you serious?"

Jade grinned and nodded. "The information is pretty recent, but I'm sure it's valid."

Hidan nodded slowly, and turned to look at the three fiery kittens on the ground (two red, one yellow-orange). He spoke in Japanese, and he could almost feel Jade's smile and stare on his back.

"_You three are the last known vestiges of the Uzumaki clan. Have fun bonding._"

Well… those expressions were interesting, Hidan thought. Then he slammed the door closed and leaned against it as though to try and keep the people inside from escaping. Jade glared at him.

"What?"

Jade huffed. "Don't slam the doors. You'll shake the house down."

She turned on her heel and stalked off.

Hidan stared after her. _Really?_

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto gaped at the door, and then spun around to face Nagato, noting out of the corner of his eye that Karin was slightly off to his side. "What?! We're related?!"

Nagato blinked. "I… wasn't aware of my relation to the Uzumaki clan."

Naruto turned to the side to look at Karin… who glared away to the side. She'd known. She'd _definitely_ known something.

"Listen, I haven't talked to you a lot, but I can tell you know something, 'ttebayo." Naruto padded closer to the red kitten, who turned her body still further the other way. "What do you know?"

Karin's head whipped around, and she glared at Naruto. "What do you think? I knew from the second that your name was mentioned that you were a relative. But I gave up on the idea of meeting you. I didn't try. I chose to stay with Sasuke-kun, and that's where I'll stay for as long as he lets me stay."

"You would deny the chance of family for the sake a boy you hardly know?" Nagato questioned her, coming closer.

Karin's eyes blazed. "_He saved my life!_ You were in that same Chunin exam!" She spun to look at Naruto, her voice, which had until then been a surprisingly gentle mewl, turned to a vicious hiss. "My teammates were killed by a giant boar, and I would have gone the same d*** way if Sasuke-kun hadn't stepped in and killed it!"

Naruto took a step back, one paw slightly off the ground in a hesitant, taken-aback manner. That… he had not expected that.

"Be that as it may," Nagato cut in, stepping still closer. "There is no reason to continue your aggressive acts in this situation."

"Oh? Really, now?" Karin turned away from Naruto to glare at him instead. "What about when 'this situation' is over? What about when we go back to the elemental nations? What then? How will people take your revival? The revival of the two dead members of the Sannin? The revival of the dead members of Akatsuki?" With each question, she stepped closer. "What about the other villages, the other kage? How will they react? What are the Akatsuki members going to do for a living once they get back? What will happen with what you've learned while here? I heard some stories through that paper wall. I saw a few things while I was carried here. I know this world is more technologically advanced than our own. At least one of you must have taken enough interest in it to learn. Well?"

She finally stopped, out of breath, her snout less than an inch away from Nagato's. She was smaller than him, but that didn't seem to faze her at all.

He stared down at her, unimpressed. "Girl, I've been a politician for as long as you have been alive. I would be a failure of such if I _hadn't_ taken the time to consider those questions."

Karin bristled under his gaze. Then she froze as she felt a head the size of hers pressing into her side.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Karin ground out, the fur on her body, particularly on her left, lifting up and fluffing out.

"I can't hug you, and you need to calm down." Naruto explained, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "And you're family."

Family.

That was the crux of the issue, wasn't it? Naruto would probably do this for just about any friend, but for family, family he had never had before, he would do anything.

"Get off."

Naruto didn't leave. Nagato seemed to realize something as he watched the two younger shinobi interact.

"Karin, are you afraid of us?"

"I'm not-!"

"Afraid of having and losing family?" Nagato pressed, more specific.

Naruto had frozen next to Karin, his eyes wide. He backed away to see her face.

Now, Naruto wasn't very accomplished at reading faces in day-to-day life, though in situations such as this, he had a strange intuition for people. He also had no idea how to read a cat's face.

Nonetheless, it wasn't difficult to see the anger on Karin's face. The glare she was sending at Nagato was angry, yes, but there was no hate. In fact…

"Are you crying?" Naruto asked, stepping a bit closer again.

"No." Karin's voice was strong and steady, but her eyes betrayed that even if she wasn't crying, she certainly felt like doing so.

There was silence for several more seconds, and then Naruto decided that Karin really _did_ need a hug, or at least as close as kittens could come to it.

He moved his body, padding around until he was standing right next to her, and pressed his entire body up against her side. Naruto shoved his nose in the side of her neck, his eyes closed, and felt her stiffen.

"Get away from me."

"No." Naruto opened his eyes slightly, hoping that none of Karin's fur got into his eyes. He saw Nagato come closer hesitantly, and then just take the plunge and press up against Karin's other side just as Naruto himself had.

"Why won't you two leave me alone?" Karin demanded, though she still hadn't moved. In fact she even felt like she was softening up a little, relaxing the tension in her muscles.

"You're the first family I've ever known, 'ttebayo." Naruto muttered.

Nagato shifted on the other side, probably nodding. "You are the first blood-relatives that I've had in over twenty years."

Karin began to tremble.

And then she collapsed and began to cry.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade hummed to herself as she made some tea, ready to just lie down on the couch and relax. Maybe play with one of the kittens. Maybe watch a little TV. Just sit and relax in a way she hadn't been able to for months as school took priority.

Alas, it was not to be.

Jade stiffened as she suddenly heard a loud, very un-kitten-ish breath hitting her ear from behind. She slowly set her tea down, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to keep herself calm.

"Hey." The voice, right next to her ear, was fairly young-sounding and undoubtedly male.

"Do I even want to ask?" Jade spoke slowly, calmly, not even turning. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kate and the kittens with her staring at her in consternation. Ah, yes. Kate hadn't met any of the Agents yet.

"Probably." The answer was cheeky. "But I could give you a single hint and you'll probably figure it out in a second."

Jade snorted, unable to help herself. "Hit me with your best shot."

"A line subject to much parody should do, methinks." He chuckled again. "I'm not **evil**, just _misunderstood_."

Jade's eye twitched. "Ah. You. I should have guessed."

Jashin chuckled as he vaulted over the back of the couch and landed on the couch, sprawled across the cushion next to Jade. He kicked his legs out and crossed his ankles on the ottoman, arms behind his head. "Not really. I mean, you probably could have tried to guess by my voice, but I doubt it. You haven't really heard me talk much. I normally visited your darling little guests while you're at school. Or I did, anyway, before you ended yesterday."

"I can't get you arrested for trespassing, can I?"

"Not a chance, girlie." Jashin laughed again. Then Kate caught his attention. "Oh? Who's this?"

"Kate. She's a friend. And I have no doubts that you already knew that." Jade said, waving a hand flippantly.

"Maybe so, maybe not." He smirked. Then he raised a hand and waved in Kate's direction. "Yo."

Kate nodded slowly. "Are you one of the Agents?"

Jashin grinned. "Nope."

Kate frowned. "Then who…?"

Jashin's hand rose up, and he snapped his fingers. Out of his hand spiraled a glowing red circle, one in which there laid a distinctive red triangle.

"_**The name I go by now is Jashin**_." His voice held a certain timbre, a reverberating tone that promised power and potential and may have even meant that he was speaking in a voice which anyone who spoke a human tongue could understand.

The strange part was that his physical appearance didn't change at all. There was no glowing. There was no shift in color. There were no suddenly deepened shadows. Nothing at all changed about him.

And that made it all the more terrifying, as evidenced when Sakura leapt off of Jade's shoulder and ran, hissing and spitting, back to the paper enclosure.

Jade sent Jashin a disapproving look. "Thanks a lot."

He shrugged. "You know how you're doing things to the kittens for your own amusement? Yeah, the kittens are to you as you are to me."

Jade just glared at him.

"No hard feelings, right?"

She huffed and turned away, picking her tea back up.

Several rooms away, they heard the loud and sudden laughter of Hidan as a number of mewls and yowls rose up.

Kate still sat on the floor, Sai still on her shoulder, blinking as her brain attempted to reboot.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: And there's your anniversary chapter! Yes, the Team Seven meeting is next. Yes, I'm messing with people's heads by now. No, I don't expect you to care that I'm trying to make your brains hurt.**

**I'm hoping that I made Karin a fairly likeable character. I know she's subject to a lot of further vilification (re: bashing), so I'm hoping I avoided that trend while still somewhat keeping to her canon tsundere/yandere traits.**

**Remember, the fan art is there to peruse. And something for you to do, if you don't mind. Also, I made an Ask account for the Phoenix Corporation on DA. So if you want to know more about them, but don't want them taking up story time, go ask a few questions there.**

**There should have been an omake this chapter, but I ran out of time. Ttran2323, I'll hopefully have it up in the next chapter.**

**For anyone still wondering **_**why**_** I took a break…**

**Well, here goes:**

**I haven't gone home at a reasonable time in two weeks. I've been teching at the school play, and it's all I can do to stay awake. Particularly since any mistake I make can end with someone getting brained by a sewage pipe.**

**I'm teetering on the edge of a C in several classes, and definitely failing Spanish. Sorry, but school comes first.**

**There's a choir thing that I can't explain to you at the moment, but it eats away at my free time.**

**Oh, and I went to the kinesiologist, got some blood work done, and found out the following:**

**I'm anemic (iron anemia, in particular).  
I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency, more than most people.  
I have hypothyroidism, secondary to a hypopituitary issue (makes me tired, makes me lose my hair, makes me forgetful, may be affecting my adrenal glands).  
I'm hypoglycemic (low blood sugar; makes me tired).  
I've got hypochlorhydria (low gastric acid, which means food is just sitting in my lower intestine and putrefying instead of being digested; so even if I eat enough, I can't digest it. Probably why I'm so skinny).  
I'm on the verge of being pre-diabetic (this is my fault. I eat a lot of candy because I'm always tired, supposedly due to the hypoglycemia, and that apparently caused my chances of contracting diabetes to go up).  
The joint pains might be caused by gout.  
I may have a chronic viral infection (which would explain why I always feel like my nose is stuffy in the winter).  
There are weird imbalances in my nutrient levels.**

**So, please… don't blame me too much for my recent problems, okay? I'm dealing. Or, at least, trying to deal. Cut me some slack, okay?**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	23. Sorry, I'm a Little Tied Up Right Now

**A/N: I kind of feel like Jade's starting to edge into arrogant Sue territory and needs to be taken down a few pegs… I'm starting to dislike her a little…**

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori frowned and glared as the pale pink kitten, the Haruno girl, sped into the room, yowling something about blood and Hidan and gods and _oh f***_ Jashin was back wasn't he?

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura sped over to the edge of the kitten pen, but found that she couldn't get over the wall.

Sasori realized why the idea of Jashin existing would be a shock, but did she really have to be so _loud?_ Honestly, it was almost embarrassing, how she acted.

"Quiet down, girl." He hissed, low enough that it could almost be mistaken for a growl.

Sakura spun around, and her face betrayed no sense of surprise. "But—!"

"Enough." He stood, stretched, and languidly began to walk toward her. "I realize why you might find his presence here disturbing and surprising, but you are overreacting."

"There is a _literal god_ sitting just a single room away and you're telling me that I'm _overreacting?!_" Sakura hissed.

"Yes."

The thing to understand here was that neither of them was wrong. Sakura had a very good reason to react as she had, and Sasori had a very good… okay, _somewhat_ good reason to react as he did to Sakura.

"Are you _insane?_" Sakura hissed, and a certain modicum of bravery seemed to have made its way back to her, because she was now stalking toward Sasori, fur standing on end and ears laid flat against her head.

"I've been called such quite a few times, I will admit. However, in the context of this argument, whether I am or not is irrelevant. You are being _loud_, and you are being _irritating_. Juvenile, puerile, childish, immature, choose one. You are currently exhibiting that trait."

Sakura's eyes narrowed further, and she hissed wordlessly.

Unfortunately for her, the effort she expended to narrow her eyes was rendered useless as they widened in surprise when Hidan picked her up. She was held up to eye level, and couldn't turn her head to look away from the pink circles that just so happened to be Hidan's eyes.

"Shut up, pinky." He tactlessly threw her into the Konoha section of the kitten pen.

Kakashi padded over to her. "Sakura?"

"Sensei?" Sakura rolled to her feet and shook herself. "There's a literal god back there."

"I heard." Kakashi's voice was a little too calm, in Sakura's opinion.

"Did you hear who it supposedly was?"

Kakashi tilted his head to the side, ears flicking. "Not really."

"Remember how Shikamaru mentioned that the crazy priest kept ranting about some evil god." Sakura blurted out.

"…Ah."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade kept up her glare at Jashin. Yes, she blinked (she was human, after all), but she didn't drop her expression.

"You'll get wrinkles if you keep that up, you know."

Jade's scowl deepened. "Then stop messing with me."

Jashin's grin was mocking, but only a little. "Oh, come on. You know you love me."

"Not really. I hardly know you."

He waved a hand dismissively. "Details."

"What is going on here?!"

Ah.

It seems as though Kate had woken up. Well, at least Jade had stopped glaring at Jashin.

"Kate, right?" Jashin raised an eyebrow at the blond girl.

"Jade, what's going on here?" Kate ignored him.

"Rude…" Jashin seemed halfway between a reprimand and a whine.

Jade turned away from Kate and back to Jashin. "Would it kill you to be a little mature?"

Jashin raised an eyebrow again and sat up a little straighter. "Listen," He raised a hand, pointer finger up, "First of all, no, because I'm a god and thus incapable of dying. Second," He raised another finger, "I had several centuries where goofing off was reserved for once every three months and utterly banned otherwise. Third," He raised yet another finger, and then just splayed his hand and spread his arms. "Do you really think you should be telling me what to do?"

"I'm the main character."

…Maybe I shouldn't have made her so Genre Savvy…

"Did you just… you can't _use_ that as an excuse!"

Actually, she, um, kind of can…

Jashin froze, and then turned his head to the ceiling. "Don't you dare even try that, Phoenix. We had an agreement."

Well, yeah, but she—

"Nothing! She nothing! There is utter no reason to—!"

"Oh, would you just stop already?" Jade rolled her eyes… and then found herself tied to a chair and gagged, with a god pointing a finger in her face and no idea how she had gotten there.

"No. Don't try. I'm putting you in a time-out." Jashin folded his arms. "You let your position and knowledge get to your head, and you got arrogant. So you're in a time-out."

Jade seethed where she sat, eyes narrowed at the god. He flicked her nose. "No. Bad mortal."

"…I'm so confused." Kate whispered. Sai seemed to realize that he needed to do something, but wasn't sure what to do. So he just ambled across her shoulder and started to nuzzle against her cheek.

Jashin looked around the room, folded his arms and nodded. "Sweet. That works. Oh, and by the way? I'm going to take care of your little plan for Taka and Seven. Keep a little self-control in reserve next time, m'kay?"

Jade looked as though she was going to start glaring even more, but then suddenly seemed to be frowning more to herself. Then her eyes slammed shut, and the audience she had, few as they were (be they god, girl, or guileless), could see her eyes darting around under her lids at a rapid pace, as though trying to figure something out.

Then her eyes opened again, slowly, and revealed that she was calm as a cucumber. She eyed Jashin a little, and then just nodded.

He just sighed and shook his head. "This is why I hate working with the logical ones. I can never play with you guys. You always realize what the lesson is early enough that there's no point in embarrassing you anymore. Whether you learn it is beyond me at that point because you've already figured out what you need to fake."

Jade made a small, somewhat amused noise in the back of her throat. Then she shifted a little, as if to loosen her bonds, which brought a short round of laughter from the blue-haired god. "Hahahahahaaa~, no. You're not getting up until this whole thing is over, sugar."

Jade's eyes narrowed again, but she was incapacitated and incapable of retaliation.

Jashin turned to Kate, who immediately put her hands up in surrender, slightly jostling Sai, still sitting on her shoulder.

"I'm innocent!"

Jashin stared at her strangely, and then shrugged. "Whatever. Not my problem."

He then seemed to remember something. "Oh, hey, do you mind doing me a favor?"

Kate hesitantly nodded.

"Great! Now, if you could just…"

o.o.o.o.o

Hidan yelped as he felt a glass of cold water get dumped over his head. He felt himself become a kitten, and turned to his at—

Why did Kate look scared?

Wait…

Hadn't he just heard Jashin-sama ask her to do somethi…

D*** it.

He couldn't even be _mad_ at her.

She'd done this because _Jashin-sama_ had asked her too.

How could Hidan argue with that?

Kate picked him up, though gently, and carried him back over to Jashin. Hidan nearly sniggered when he saw Jade tied up on a chair, but didn't, as he was quickly seized and held by Jashin-sama.

"Okay, _now_ we're good." Apparently, Jashin didn't like being around Hidan when the latter was human.

Probably because Jashin was, when normally sized, several inches shorter and plenty more waifish than Hidan.

But that's not the point.

o.o.o.o.o

"Have fun!"

The door slammed on the group.

What was the group?

Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi.

Oh, and Sasuke was there too.

(Jashin wasn't one much for theatrics, unlike Jade. He just tossed them into a room and told them to go at it.)

They all just sort of stared at one another for a few seconds, not quite believing that they were in this situation. Yes, the loyal Konoha shinobi had been searching for Sasuke for a long time, and he had been evading them for just as long, but… to meet him as _cats?_

It was a little ridiculous.

And then Naruto got over the awkwardness of the situation and head-butted Sasuke.

Classy. Real classy, Naruto.

_They can't hear you._

Shut up, Obitobi.

…

Yeah, that's what I thought.

_Screw you._

Just shut up and go away.

Ahem.

In any case, Naruto's first action was to attack. Which wasn't a very _good_ action, but at least it was _something_ other than just standing around, awkwardly waiting for something to happen.

Sakura had, of course, immediately tried to intervene, because starting off any kind of reunion with an attack just wasn't a good idea, but honestly? Not a single one of them could currently use chakra, and Sakura was, as mentioned before, quite a bit smaller than the boys, and outnumbered as well. Kakashi simply grabbed a hold of the scruff of her neck and pulled her back, easily.

It was slightly humiliating.

The boys continued to fight. Unfortunately for them, they looked rather pathetic, as they only had soft paws with tiny, ineffectual claws that they had no idea how to use, and just tumbled around like stuffed animals.

It was like a puppy trying to jump onto a bed. It was absolutely adorable but… so _futile_.

"Wake me up when they're done." Kakashi ordered, and then padded over to the wall, lay down next to it, and appeared to go to sleep.

Sakura felt like sweatdropping. This was probably Kakashi's answer to not having his book.

It made a little sense, she supposed. The situation was safe enough that there wasn't much of a fear that Sasuke would run away, or that one of them would kill the other (the very idea was laughable), so it all just felt as though it had fallen a little flat.

She had been expecting so much drama, but it just… there wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't an epic confrontation. There was just a pair of squabbling kittens, a sleeping teacher, and her.

So underwhelming.

o.o.o.o.o

Kate sat next to Jade on her own chair, though she had apparently managed to behave enough to keep herself free. She still had Sai and Sakura with her, but was also clutching Tsunade to her chest as well, with Jiraiya on her head and the Juugo on her knees. She had placed Karin and Suigetsu on Jade's shoulders, earning herself an irritated glare from the darker girl, which she ignored. Kate's knees were pulled up to her chest, Juugo performing his little balancing act, and Tsunade snuggled way up high against her neck. Kate was the very picture of scared and unsure.

"Oh, come on, I'm not that scary." Jashin complained from the couch, the white kitten, Hidan, sitting on his own lap. "You're overreacting."

Kate just shivered and pointedly looked away.

"You're a little boring." Jashin commented lightly. Then he tilted his head and his face took on a look of surprise as he glanced at the ceiling. "Well… didn't see _that_ coming. Seems like something Phoenix would do, though."

Jade made an inquiring noise around her gag. Jashin stared at her for a few seconds and then sighed. "Keeping you tied up's gotten boring too. I'll just… yeah…" He snapped his fingers, and Jade's bonds fell away.

She didn't immediately speak, or even get up. She just prodded at the kittens on her lap until they jumped off. Then she turned to Jashin, arms crossed. "The h*** was that for?"

"You were getting arrogant and annoying. So I did something about it." Jashin didn't bother to move from his lackadaisical position.

Jade stared at him for several seconds with narrowed eyes behind glaring glasses, but broke it with a scoff. "Fine. What happened just a few minutes ago to get you all interested, then?"

"We're gonna have some fun little visitors soon, girly." Jashin chuckled. "Along with a few other familiar and quite strange visitors." He tilted his head to the side. "I'm guessing that there'll be a few people here that'll be pretty p***ed off, though. Definitely at least a few."

"And just who are these visitors?" Jade's arms were already crossed, but her grip tightened further as she stared at the god.

Jashin just pointed behind her and grinned.

A fairly tall man with graying hair and some small amount of wrinkles stood there, dressed in a smart business suit. Several figures stood behind him. Several _familiar_ figures stood behind him.

"Hello." The man greeted her with a nod of the head, arms held behind the back as if by martial habit. Of the figures behind him, four were smiling, and one just seemed perpetually grumpy.

"He~y, Shinigami. Why'd ya bring those guys?" Jashin was apparently quite familiar with the leading figure. Given who the figure apparently was, this was no surprise.

Jade grit her teeth. "I really hope you guys aren't planning on staying long."

"Don't worry," Senju Hashirama stepped away from the other Hokage to placate her. "We're just here for a visit."

Jade's eye twitched, and Kate folded in on herself further.

Then Tsunade and Jiraiya shot away from her and towards Hashirama and Sarutobi respectively.

And then a red blur, hissing and spitting, rushed in and attacked the figure right in the back, the only one that wasn't human, Hokage, or god.

o.o.o.o.o

Three minutes earlier:

Sasori flicked his ears as he heard Jade's voice come from the other room after a flicker of, not quite chakra, but whichever power it was that Jashin had used on his every visit thus far. So she had been let go?

His fur stood on end as he felt another wave of godly power wash over him, larger and more. It carried an aura of death, one that he could almost recognize due to his many years working on corpses and leaching the humanity out of them.

Sasori's nose twitched as a clean, fresh, almost _minty_ scent wafted over him. It was a strange one, as it held the same feeling of death as the earlier aura, but he ignored it in favor of feeling the chakra signatures that came with it. One of them felt strangely familiar.

Sasori got to his feet and padded slowly towards the sounds of conversation. He rounded the corner and paused.

Jade was no longer tied down, and instead stood tall, looking irritated.

Jashin was on the couch, looking like a lazy bum, with Hidan on his chest.

Kate was huddled in a chair, looking pathetic.

There was a new person there, looking like Diamond's illusion of the Shinigami from the explanation weeks ago.

There were the four dead Hokage, looking very much alive.

And in the back…

Sasori's ears lay flat against his head as his fur stood on end. His eyes narrowed to slits, and he bared his teeth.

He shot across the room to attack the Sandaime Kazekage.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Who expected that? Unless I told you, I doubt you did. If any of you read ****Gender Confusion****, and I'm sure at least half of you do, then you may have seen my explanation for who works under the Shinigami. And after the recent manga chapters, I've had people asking about bringing these guys back to life. Well, they're not alive, but they're pretty lively for dead people.**

**Oh yeah. You heard me. I made it work. I MADE IT WORK. Here's an explanation for just who keeps things going for the gods. Keep in mind that the only thing these guys share in common with the gods in actual Japanese myth is their names.**

Under Jashin:  
Amaterasu: Jashin's secretary.  
Susanoo: General/Commander in Chief of the demonic forces.  
Tsukuyomi: Prison warden. (The only prison is in the demon realm).

Under Kami:  
Izanagi: Kami's secretary.  
Izanami: General/Commander in Chief of the heavenly forces.

Shinigami has a smattering of dead souls that have proven themselves worthy in life, but not much more. NOT like Bleach. Generally involves the souls that have been 'consumed,' like the four Hokage, and other people that distinguished themselves in life without crossing the Moral Event Horizon (like Madara sort of did).

**You're all going to see the personality that I developed for the Sandaime Kazekage in the process of writing a different story (I'll tell you which one after I post the chapter that introduces the character). He's, um, kind of… strange.**

***cough* Okay, Ttran2323, I tried writing your omake, but it's been put on hold. I can't do it until all of them are returned fully to human, so just keep reminding me until we get to that point. Then I'll write it. Feel secure in the knowledge that I trust you with important future plot points until that time.**

**Sorry for the short chapter, but… well, I HAD to stop it there! It was so perfect!**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	24. The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

**A/N: I'm holding a contest on DeviantArt in regards to my stories. You can win a one-shot if you participate, so go check it out.**

**Also, I seem to find it really fun to write Jashin and Jade bickering. It's just… *shrug* I don't know, but it's funny to me. Same goes for Jade and Tobirama. Though that's just because Tobirama is a grump.**

**And I can't stop writing arguments with Tobi. I know he's not real, but it's fun anyway.**

**Now, I need to ask you guys a favor: if you're a native or otherwise fluent Spanish speaker… tell me if I'm getting it wrong. I've been taking it for nearly four years, but I'm still no good at it, so I **_**will**_** make mistakes, so correct me when you can. I'll put what the translations **_**should**_** be after it in italics, but I'd still like feedback on any mistakes. Particularly on my attempt with the subjunctive and conditional down there.**

o.o.o.o.o

Now, the one thing to always remember about Sasori and the Sandaime Kazekage was that there had _always_ been enmity between the two.

Not just since the Sandaime Kazekage had achieved the post.

Not just since Sasori had become a shinobi.

Not just since Sasori's parents had died.

Since Sasori had been a very young child.

Why?

Well, Chiyo had, during Sasori's early years, been in very high demand among the puppeteers. Sasori's parents had been off on long-term missions fairly frequently even before their deaths, so he was frequently left in need of a babysitter.

The then-still-Jounin that would one day become Sandaime Kazekage was often roped into babysitting by Chiyo.

If you haven't seen the problem yet, I feel sorry for you, because you must be enough of an optimist to find this cute, rather than…_troublesome._

Now I feel like watching clouds.

In any case, the then-Jounin (whose name won't be revealed due to the fact that he absolutely hates it), had been rather prone to teasing, even when the subject of his jibes was a small child. Sasori had, knowing him as a child, followed him quite a bit as he grew older, with more and more irascibility, and less and less fondness with each passing year. Being given a noogie by a Kazekage in front of your peers wasn't something any new Jounin wanted to experience, particularly one as young as Sasori had been.

In any case, the ban on Sasori's human puppets was not a huge blow-up, not really. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sasori had actually relaxed after he had finally finished turning the Sandaime's corpse into a puppet. He was _free_ of the man, and had gotten his revenge. He had complete control over what remained of the man, and by _gods_ had he been glad about it.

And now…

He was _back_.

o.o.o.o.o

There was dead silence from the "audience" for the first several seconds of Sasori's attack on the former Kazekage, only broken by the noise of the "show." The outraged hissing and the pained yells were loud enough for everyone.

"They're going to break my house."

Jashin rolled his eyes. "We'll fix the thing later. Is that really the only thing you're focused on?"

"I don't care how funny it is; I _like_ my house. I don't _want_ them to break it."

"It's _just _a _house_. We can fix it later. Just enjoy the show."

"But my _house_…"

Most of the people in the room (the four Hokage, Shinigami, Kate, Sai-the-kitten on Kate's shoulder, Suigetsu, and Kisame) alternated between looking at the flailing former Kazekage and the argument taking part only a few feet away.

"Finally!" The Kazekage stood there, panting, as he held Sasori out at arm's length by the scruff of the neck, facing him. Sasori was still irrational enough that despite his impotency, he continued to glare and hiss sullenly at the Kazekage. The Kazekage… wasn't quite glaring back. It was more of a mocking pout.

"This is ridiculous." Jade put a hand to her head and rubbed circles at her temple.

"So's your face, but you don't see anyone here complaining about it." Jashin muttered, very well aware of both the fact that he was acting immaturely _and_ the fact that just about everyone had heard him say it.

Jade's arm whipped out to smack the back of his head, but let's face it: Jashin's a god. No civilian girl's going to be able to do anything to him. Of course he dodged, and with mocking ease.

"Could you both stop?"

The voice caught both their attention, and they turned to see Shinigami standing there and watching them with his arms crossed. Of the four Kage behind him, the Shodai was occupied with Tsunade-the-kitten; the Sandaime was dealing with Jiraiya's insistence on snuggling (a rare occasion where said snuggling was done to a close friend out of genuine affection, rather than to a random woman out of perversion); the Yondaime was watching the Kazekage; and the Nidaime was just staring at them, arms crossed and looking even grumpier than Shinigami. To be fair, Shinigami didn't look all that grumpy, just a little exasperated, but Tobirama was just… grumpy.

Like a bear.

Or an octopus.

"I'm going to go get Naruto." Jade turned around, but was quickly grabbed by the Yondaime, who spun her back to face him. His hands were on her shoulders, and he was staring at her as though searching for something.

"Naruto?"

A sneaking suspicion entered Jade's mind, and she frowned, cautiously asking, "Do you speak English?"

A disparaging noise came from the living room, and Jade peeked around the tall form of one Namikaze Minato to see who had made it. Unsurprisingly for the readers, it was Tobirama.

"He doesn't."

Jade blinked at Tobirama, still frowning. "But you do?" She stepped to the side so that she no longer had to lean over to speak around the Yondaime.

"I've had longer to learn."

Jade's eyes narrowed. "He's been dead for at least fifteen years."

"We have a lot of work to do." Tobirama's tone was snide, and he very clearly didn't enjoy Jade's responses.

"So much that fifteen years isn't long enough to learn a single language?"

"He learned a different one first. Shinigami-sama wanted diversity. It's better for 'business.'"

Jade tilted her head, eyes still narrowed. "I'm going to regret asking, but which language?"

Aw, she already guessed what was coming. Pity.

Tobirama still didn't smile. "Spanish."

"Phoenix, I don't know whether to call you a b**** or thank you." Jade put a hand up to her face, sighing. "Alright, I can take care of it then."

"You what?" Rather than surprise, the look on Tobirama's face was one of suspicion.

"I can take care of it." Jade turned and walked past Minato, who had been watching in interest but not understanding, and grabbed his sleeve as she did, tugging him out of the room and towards the room where she knew Jashin had tossed team seven. Then she paused and turned her head towards the area where most of the Akatsuki kittens, barring Hidan and Sasori, still were. "Oi, can I get one of you over here for a sec? I need a liaison to Team Seven and Sasuke for a minute or two. "

After several seconds, a dark brown, heavily barred kitten walked out of the hallway and over to Jade.

Kakuzu. Well… he was a decent translator. Jade nodded and went over to the door, opening it slightly but holding out an arm to stop Minato, taking her hand of the doorknob to hold a finger to her lips. "Queda allí." _Stay there._

Minato blinked, but smiled at her and nodded after a moment of surprise. "Bueno." The accent was still slightly mangled, but he was understandable, at least.

Jade looked over at Kakuzu again. "Hey, could you tell them what happened over there? With Shinigami and the dead folk?"

Kakuzu gave her a measuring stare, but nodded and turned to the crack in the door, slipping in quietly. There was only the noise of mewling from there for several moments, which shortly gave way to loud, surprised and eager shouts that quickly had Kakuzu fleeing the room in irritation.

Jade rolled her eyes, but motioned towards Minato. "Tu hijo y su equipo están en esta sala. Todos son gatitos en el futuro previsible, pero usted puede hablar a él, por lo menos, no?" _Your son and his team are in this room. They're all kittens for the foreseeable future, but you can talk to him, at least, right?_

"Si, puedo. Gracias por su ayuda." _Yes, I can. __Thank you for your help._

"No está problema. Sí necesites algo, tú podrías llamarme, bueno?" _It's not a problem. If you need anything, you can call me, alright?_

"Voy a hacer eso. Eres una buena chica, ¿lo sabías?" _I'll do that. You're a good girl, you know that?_

Minato's smile was almost infectious, and Jade found herself wearing a small smirk of her own as she heard the mewling from inside the room as the man went in. She raised an eyebrow as a small black cat, spiky rather than smooth, slunk out with its head bowed low, staring around itself suspiciously.

Jade crouched down, glad that she had taken to limiting herself pants instead of her usual mix of pants, dresses, and skirts after getting the kittens, especially since there were so many men in comparison to women scurrying around down there.

She held out a hand as though beckoning him forward, and just waited.

Quite frankly, Sasuke was one of the new arrivals that Jade was sure would have the most difficult time adjusting and interacting… and one of the ones that Jade would probably have the hardest time making like her. The other was Orochimaru, but everyone had just avoided him so far, so there weren't any problems yet, seeing as no one actually cared whether Orochimaru was comfortable in his surroundings or not. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Sasuke stared distrustfully, but Jade made several soft clicking noises with her tongue to urge him forward. It wasn't like he would understand her if she spoke, after all. Sasuke crept forward slowly, his eyes narrowed and ears pricked forward to catch any noises that would alert him to Jade trying to do anything strange.

He came close enough that Jade chanced moving her hand forward to rub between his ears, and then slowly pulled him towards her. He resisted, but he was also a kitten. A small one. So long as he didn't try to scratch her, and he didn't, Jade could do as she pleased.

"C'mon, I'll keep you with me for now." She picked him up, cradling him in one arm as she went back to the room with the gods and the majority of the Kage.

"Who is that?"

Jade blinked as she realized that the one talking to her was the Nidaime, Tobirama, who was staring at Sasuke in her arms.

"Uchiha Sasuke. He'd be the last Uchiha, but Itachi's not dead anymore and Tobi is a lying liar who lies."

"Most liars are." Tobirama commented sardonically. His eyes were fixed on Sasuke, layered with distaste.

Jade started to speak back, but was distracted… by the sight of Hashirama playing with Tsunade by throwing her up and down in the air like a five-year-old with a new doll.

"Is he okay?"

"…Maybe." Tobirama's face, if possible, soured further.

"Let me guess, you're embarrassed by him?"

"No, it isn't obvious?"

"Stop snarking I was going to empathize, but if you—"

"You have an annoying and immature older brother?" Tobirama's voice couldn't BE more sarcastic.

"Yes." Jade was a little disappointed that Tobirama didn't even blink at the admission. "My brother isn't here at the moment, though. He's off at college."

"Just like half the youth of your country." Tobirama almost seemed to be joking.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Perhaps."

_Is he _flirting_ with her?_

Wha— What are you doing here?

_I got bored._

No! No, you—stop _doing_ that!

_What, tired of me already? You're the one that did this, after all._

I swear, if you don't stop, I _will _call you Obitobi.

…_Then why do you keep writing it?_

…

…

…People think it's funny, and it amuses me, even if I pretend that it doesn't.

_You're s***ting me._

Uh… no. Now go away. Shoo, shoo, I have work to do.

_You didn't answer my question._

Because it's weird! He's, like, old and dead, and probably married, and—

_You don't know for sure?_

Go away!

…

Is he gone?

…

Okay, let's get back to the…

God d*** it.

They're done already.

F*** you, Obitobi. F*** you.

_But Tobi's a __**good**__ boy, Phoenix-chan!_

…F***. You. You magnificent _b******_.

_Sorry, not interested._

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: Sorry about it being so short, but I have to work on a NejiTen piece for something I signed up for. I'm supposed to post on the eighth, but I don't have internet access over the weekend or most of Monday, so I'm going to see if I can get it done before them, along with a NaruHina contest piece.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	25. Get Out

Obitobi, I hate you.

_Why?_

Because you're an _a**hole_.

…_You say that like it's a bad thing._

Stop being annoying!

_You're the one writing this out. I don't have control over the situation._

Shut up! I'll…I'll tell Kakashi!

_Oh, like that's threatening at all._

You…

_Me… what?_

I hate you.

_Like I care._

o.o.o.o.o

Kakuzu glared.

Hashirama… _tried_ to ignore him and continue just… pretty much just cuddling Tsunade.

Kakuzu just kept glaring.

"You do realize who that is, right?"

Hashirama looked up from Tsunade, meeting grass-green eyes (he would have thought the color strange, but he'd seen stranger). "Who?"

"The cat right there." Jashin ignored the hissing coming from his shoulder as Hidan began to pick a fight with Kakuzu. "Do you know who he is? Or can you guess?"

Hashirama glanced down, eyebrows furrowed as he stared at the cat at his feet. "I… I _feel_ like I should, but…"

"Look at the eyes." Jashin pointed down. "The sclera, are they familiar?"

Hashirama looked back down at Kakuzu, thinking. "I… wait!"

Jashin grinned and sat back, crossing his arms.

"You're that Taki guy that actually survived!"

Kakuzu seemed smug for a second… and the scoffed, turned, and left.

o.o.o.o.o

There was a small, burning ball of fire floating in the middle of Jade's living room.

It had been there for the past five minutes, and everyone had just started staring at it. Even the new kittens had been let out to see if any of _them_ could wager a guess as to what it was.

(Except for Orochimaru.)

(You know why.)

Unfortunately, it seemed that the dead Kage, the gods, and Hidan all knew what it was, but refused to tell… and some of them got strangely anxious when asked (Hidan just glared at everyone from Jashin's shoulder, and no one felt like asking a cat anyway).

The ball of fire began to spin. It was hard to tell, given that it was not a solid object, but it began to spin. And grow larger. And then it grew taller, and wider at the top, and suddenly it wasn't a _ball_ of fire, but a _twister_ of fire.

Then it folded in on itself, bending and twisting, and became a vaguely humanoid shape.

The shape solidified.

The fire disappeared.

And there stood an Agent, in all her glory.

"So…" She grinned around at them, and a few people that stood behind her blinked n surprised as they noticed that the tips of her pigtails were still burning, as the ones in the front noticed the same thing about her bangs. The rest of her hair, chopped short and boyish, was normal. One of her bangs, they noticed, was a bright orange-red, a color that had slowly seeped out of the rest of her naturally blonde hair.

I like describing hair. I don't care much about the clothes, but _hair…_

Otherwise, here's all you need to know: blue eyes, smirk, ripped jeans, ripped shirt with wide sleeves, decently large bust, though not as big as Diamond.

Given her personality, I'm tempted to call her a Jerk Sue.

"Phoenix wants you guys out." She pointed at the gods and Kage.

"_What?"_ Several people didn't seem very happy with her, but…

"Yeah… we've kind of overstayed our welcome, huh, Ruby?" Jashin shook his head and sighed, gently taking Hidan off his shoulder. "How long has the introduction of the Second Wave been going for?"

"They showed up in nineteen. We're currently in twenty-five." Ruby snorted, folding her arms. "Way too long, and it only got longer because of these long-dead guys showing up. So… get going."

Shinigami nodded and turned to leave. "I wasn't planning on staying much anyway. There's too much work to be done."

Ruby nodded, but hummed a little under her breath, a song no one quite recognized (1). "Yeah, you do that. You can come back and visit some other time, but for now, it would be nice to just move on."

"But—"

"Go." Ruby's pigtails seemed to lose gravity, the hairs slowly floating up and hanging in the air, horizontal, the fire creeping closer to her head as the red in her bang began to leech into the rest of the hair.

"Don't burn down my house, please."

Ruby's smirk dropped, as did her fiery hair, and she turned to look at Jade with an unimpressed look on her face. "Really? You're really going to try to complain about that?"

Jade's face was stony, hiding her nervousness. "I _like_ my house."

"Yeah, we know. You talk about it all the time." Ruby snorted and turned back to the gods and dead. "Now go. Shoo. Before I _**burn you to a crisp.**_" The 's' lingered, hissing and spitting along with the flames on her head, and the fire caressed her face in a manner most terrifying.

Shinigami raised an eyebrow, and turned to leave. He said nothing, but somehow there was still an air of authority about him that caused the dead men to turn and follow him, however reluctantly it was.

"Oi, Jashin. You too." Ruby motioned with her hands, making a shooing motion.

Jashin rolled his eyes and took Hidan off his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah. I'm on it."

He disappeared.

No smoke. No lights. No portals. No pressure. Just… one moment he was there… and the next he wasn't.

When everyone turned to look at Ruby, they realized that she was gone too.

Jade frowned and looked around her living room, which now felt surprisingly empty, despite all the kittens.

"Are they gone?"

Jade blinked and turned, only to see Kate standing at the door to the area.

Huh. She'd forgotten about Kate.

…That probably wasn't a good thing.

o.o.o.o.o

Kate laughed, desperately trying not to upset the bowl of popcorn in her lap.

"…Kate, I'm never letting you choose the music again." Jade stared at the TV, eye twitching. "_Never._"

"But it was funny!"

"Your humor is terrible." Jade pulled up a few songs. "What kind of music do you want now?"

"Some—"

"Nothing you think is creepy."

"…Ke$ha? Her music's not very good, but the lyrics are funny."

"That is… _acceptable_." Jade teased, smirk on her face, and chuckled when Kate pouted at her. "Alright, alright. C'mon, Kate, you know I'm just joking."

Kate harrumphed and turned away, causing Sai, who was still on her shoulder, to wobble dangerously.

Three songs in, it happened.

You see, of all the songs so far that had been used as a cure, only Konan's had been meant to be taken as 'fitting.' Every other song, as you may have noticed, was a _joke_, meant to make as much fun of the characters as possible, even when they didn't work. It didn't matter if the song was good or not, so long as it commented on the characters in a humorous manner.

Such was the case now.

"_D-I-N-O-S-A, U-R a DINOSAUR,  
D-I-N-O-S-A, U-R a DINOSAUR,  
An O-L-D M-A-N, you're just an OLD MAN,  
Hittin' on me, what? You need a CAT-scan!"_

Can you guess who changed back, quickly enough that Jade barely had time to close her own eyes and through a hand over Kate's?

An unmistakably male voice practically yelped in surprised as the owner suddenly found himself human and in the nude, precariously off balance.

"Out!" Jade ordered, eyes still squeezed tightly shut. Kate, next to her, was still as a corpse, not daring to move in the current situation.

Jade heard more shouting, Japanese that she didn't understand (she didn't care if she'd been given the books to learn nearly three months ago; school was more important than learning a language that she didn't _really_ need).

A short, muffled declaration of 'henge' was uttered, and Jade finally deemed it safe to look up.

Jiraiya looked back at her, arms crossed and distinctly unimpressed.

Jade glanced over at Kisame, the only person in the room that was currently human _and_ capable of understanding both languages, however weak his English may have been. "Do I want to know why he's making that face at me?"

Kisame shrugged, looking a little green… er, turquoise, from having seen Jiraiya in his natural glory. "I… told? Told him what the song means."

Jade blinked and thought back over the lyrics… and then burst out laughing. "O-oh my god, really?"

She continued laughing, and Kate began to giggle as well. After a few seconds, when even the kittens had joined in, Tsunade included, Jiraiya's angry stance dropped and he drooped, clearly unhappy.

Jade got her laughter under control, and stood up, still a little shaky. "Um… I'll go get your clothing. It's probably on the front step by now."

Jiraiya glanced over at Kisame for a translation and, receiving one fairly quickly, sighed and nodded, following Jade and taking the box when it was held out to him.

Jade rolled her eyes and turned back to the living room.

Joy. There were now twenty shinobi in her house.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I'm sooooooooo sorry. It's late and short, but… I can explain!**

**I got a cold on Sunday, and it's stayed with me since then. I could barely think on Monday and Tuesday, let alone write, though my mom still made me go to school.**

**Plus, IB Exams are starting soon. To be more specific… my HL English Exams are on Thursday and Friday, and I'm panicking. After that is Psych, then History, then Math, then five full days of nothing, then Spanish, then more Math.**

**Oh, and I have to choreograph a three-minute song for eighteen to twenty people, with four different major parts.**

**Aaaand I'm visiting Baruch the day after my second English Exam, and I just found out that I can't have gluten or dairy (except butter, which I CAN have, but don't like).**

**On the upside, I made eggs today, and for the first time, I didn't burn them. Might've undercooked them a little, though.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	26. Honey, I'm Home!

Jade muttered a goodbye and snapped her phone closed. She would have gotten a smartphone like everyone else, but there was just something she loved about phones with hinges.

She looked at her watch, gauging the time she had before she had to go to bed, giving herself a few good hours to just read or laze around.

"Jade!"

The girl in question jumped back in surprise. As far as she'd known, only a few of the shinobi should have been human, and the one in front of her wasn't one of them.

"What do you want, Deidara?" Jade sighed.

"I figured it out, un!" He backtracked. "Okay, Itachi helped, but I can hide my birds enough now."

"You accepted help from Itachi?" Jade teased, ignoring the growing excitement in the back of her head.

Deidara frowned at her. "Do you want to fly or no?"

Jade grinned at him, an expression that, Deidara realized with a start, he rarely saw on her. "Let's do this."

o.o.o.o.o

Flying was _fun_.

Terrifying.

But fun.

Deidara knew what he was doing. It was obvious from the beginning that he did. And he was careful to keep a good grip on Jade as well, given the fact that, as she was a civilian, albeit a very well-armed one, she couldn't use chakra.

At all.

Which meant that she was at risk to fall off of the bird at any given moment if Deidara made a sudden movement with it.

Of course, this meant that Deidara had to hold onto Jade, or vice-versa, though having Jade hold on was the riskier option of the two, given that she only had the strength of a civilian.

And that was how Jade ended up having to sit in Deidara's lap, his arms wrapped securely around her waist, having the time of her life as Deidara flew in loops and spirals.

She also felt incredibly awkward, given that she was in a boy's (man's?) lap, pretty much being snuggled in an area where no one else could see them.

At least Deidara didn't try anything on that front.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade was actually laughing when Deidara finally landed the bird again. Partially in relief of finally being on the ground again, but mostly out of exhilaration. "That was amazing!"

Deidara didn't say anything, not wanting to bother with putting in the effort to actually speak English. He just grinned and chuckled along with her.

"You two didn't have sex up there, right?"

Hidan dodged Jade's punch with ease. Deidara's… was a little more difficult.

Kakuzu's was unavoidable.

"Ow, what the f— Kakuzu, you b****rd, what the f*** was that for?!"

Kakuzu turned around and went back inside without answering the question.

Hidan ran in after him. "Oi, get back here, a**hole!"

Deidara glanced over at Jade, and then behind them at the bird, and then back to Jade. "You want to go again, un?"

Jade blinked at him. "Right now?"

Deidara shrugged. "Eh… no. Tomorrow, un?"

Jade turned to go inside, shrugging back. "If I feel like it. I might end up with plans of some sort."

Deidara followed her. "Plans?"

o.o.o.o.o

As it turned out, Jade did end up having plans, even if they weren't the kind that she had no part in creating for herself.

She'd actually been contemplating asking Deidara to go flying again (the sensation was addicting), sitting on the couch and watching TV in the meantime, trying to ignore the mewling coming from her ankles. Naruto had taken to trying to twine around them and meow whenever he wanted to try and ask her for something. There was also the noise of arguing drifting down from the upper story.

"Not now, I'm busy." Jade nudged him with her foot, trying to track the story on the screen before her. It was a Spanish soap opera, one that she'd never seen before, and thus meant that she had no chance of understanding what was going on. Of course, that's what made it so much fun to try and understand what little semblance of a plot the melodramatic mess contained.

Suddenly, music blasted through the house.

"_Giant tropical centipedes…_"

Well, the introduction to a dubstep song blasted through the house. And while dubstep is technically music, it is not traditional music. Moreover, this was only the introduction, which sounded more like the soundtrack to a documentary on tropical bugs than the introduction to a technology and bass-ridden piece of modern music.

But we're not here to discuss music at the moment, or bugs. We're here to discuss Jade's reaction to them.

Jade froze. She swore.

She ran upstairs. "Oi, idiots, whoever's human needs to change back now!"

"Why do we—" Itachi poked his head out of one of the rooms.

"Now!" Jade snapped, going to the room across from the one that Itachi had been in, filled with whoever was currently human and arguing.

Apparently, it was Yahiko and Sasori.

…Never mind, not important. "Both of you, human, now."

"Why should—?" Yahiko began.

"Now!"

Jade turned back around and sprinted downstairs. _Okay, only two left. Who else was…_

_Deidara and Obito! And he's in Tobi mode, so…_

A door snapped open and Jade froze and turned around with a smile on her face, only half-faked.

A boy came in through the door to the garage, pulling two large suitcases and a duffel bag with him. He wasted no time in dropping all three large bags to the ground, though he was more careful with the backpack on his shoulder, and stretching.

Then he began to dance.

He wasn't a professional by any means, but he seemed to know enough of the basics to do a passable imitation of… whatever he was trying to do.

The dance was really rather jerky in its movements, but it was still interesting to watch.

Jade's smile slowly grew less fixed as she seemed to melt into exasperated amusement. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the wall, smirking.

"_Centipede._"

The boy was actually in a fairly long coat, but wore a black tank top underneath, in contrast to the long, dark pants and dress shoes that made up the bottom half of his attire.

He also wore dark sunglasses and had his short, nearly-black hair gelled up into spikes.

"_Centipede._"

The music finally ended, and the boy struck a pose with a grin.

Jade clapped slowly, full of sarcasm, and fully smirking. "Nice job, dumba**."

The boy reached up and pulled off the coat and glasses, hanging them up nearby. He turned back around and spread his arms, still grinning. "C'mon, give your big brother a hug!"

Jade rolled her eyes, but she ran forward and embraced her brother. "Carlos, I think I'm going to kill you for rigging that up one day."

Carlos, for that is who he was, laughed as he pulled back out of the hug, putting his hands on his little sister's shoulders. "Aw, give me a little credit. How many guys do you know that would be able to play around with the wireless garage door activation to the point where it played a chosen song whenever he, and only he, came home?"

"It wouldn't be for just you if I stole your car." Jade contradicted. "Besides, how does that help in everyday life?"

Carlos pointed to the door he'd just come through. "It makes everyday life ten percent more awesome, and don't you dare even try to deny it!"

Jade snorted, but let the issue slide. She pointed at the bags. "Those better not be full of dirty laundry. If they are, you better not be expecting me to be the one that washes them."

Carlos tilted his head to the side. "Eh. Yes to the first, no to the second. I just got off a road trip that took me halfway across the country, part of which was through the Rockies, so I kind of have a lot of laundry that I had nowhere to wash. I'll do it myself, though, seeing as you're… you."

"Good choice." Jade punched him in the arm, playful as many siblings were. "And what did you mean by that?"

"Eheheh." Carlos rubbed the back of his head. "You know… you're like… Hermione."

"I'm like Hermione." Jade deadpanned, looking him right in the eye. Her arms were folded again, and one eyebrow was raised, unlike the flat, unimpressed tone of her voice. "…_Hermione_."

"It was the first person that came to mind!" Carlos protested.

"She's a fictional character known for being bossy and smart. Are you calling me bossy, or are you calling me smart?"

"…Yes."`

"You're pathetic."

"No, I'd rather call myself a doting older brother."

"Again, pathetic."

Carlos pouted at that, in a manner that was actually rather cute and, alas, pathetic.

Jade wasn't buying it. "I'm four years younger than you, and you're acting like I'm a parent."

"Well, would you rather I do… _this?_" Carlos lunged forward and grabbed his sister, pulling her into an awkward headlock, leaving one hand free to knuckle her skull. "Noogie!"

"Stop it, you idiot!"

Carlos let her go, laughing loudly. "Ah, family time. How I missed thee."

Jade held a hand against her head, but the glare she sent towards her brother held no real bite to it. "Tch. Moron."

Carlos grinned, opening his mouth to say something, and then stopped, confusion taking over his face. He stared at a point behind his sister. "Jade… I know you said you took in a few cats, and I was okay with it because you said you were being paid for it and that you could keep up with your schoolwork and extracurricular stuff without a problem… but when you said 'a few,' I was expecting, like, three."

"I know."

Carlos pointed behind her. "That's not three."

"I know."

He turned to look her in the eyes again. "That's, like, twenty."

"I know."

"Jade…" There was almost a warning tone in his voice.

Unfortunately for… well, just about everyone, there was a loud crash outside, followed by a muffled explosion and loud yelling in Japanese.

Jade cringed. "Um… I have a totally reasonable explanation for that."

Deidara ran in, livid, grabbed a pitcher of water, and ran back outside, shouting again.

"…And that."

Tobi ran in, Deidara following, and ended up turning into a cat after taking only a few steps into the room as Deidara shoved the pitcher over the masked man's head.

"…And that."

Deidara noticed them at that point. He shuffled awkwardly for a few seconds and then waved. "Um… hi?"

The tongue from his palm lolled out.

"…Okay, maybe it's not totally reasonable, but I have an explanation."

"Just please tell me you're not dating this guy." Carlos looked almost sick at the idea.

"I'm not."

"…Good."

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I know it's short. I know it's late in the week. I know you expect more out of me by now.**

**I. Don't. Care.**

**Those of you who follow me on DA already know this, but I'll say it here, too. My grandfather died on Tuesday, and as a result I just haven't been in a writing mood. Deal with it any way you can.**

**Now, on a nicer note, there are ongoing contests for these stories on DeviantArt. There haven't been any entries for AK:PCO-based things yet, so someone go and draw some stuff for the current one. If you can't find me, just look for the most recent "contest" journal I've written. If you still can't find it, just leave a question on my DA profile and I'll give you the link there.**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	27. I Can Totally Explain! Also, Foxboy

**A/N: Whenever I write in grammar mistakes, they're based on the common ones that I hear from my mom. Her English is near perfect, seeing as she's lived in the US for over a decade and a half, but she has a strong accent and sometimes changes around word order. The little quirks that I occasionally add in are based off of what I hear from her, as well as based on how I choose my words when I'm speaking Spanish and need to use an idiom that I don't know the direct translation for.**

o.o.o.o.o

Carlos pinched the bridge of his nose, an action that was eerily reminiscent of his sister's. "You seriously agreed to take a copse of assassins and criminals into the house because you were being paid by someone you've never met."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to use copse." Jade pointed out.

"Don't care. Back to the actual discussion." Carlos blocked her attempts to divert the conversation. "Criminals. Assassins. In the house."

"You make it sound like I did something bad." Jade huffed. "Besides, they're not criminals in this dimension. They haven't killed anyone, and they don't even exist in the system. They can't hurt me, and a lot of the money I've managed to budget enough that I'm still making a profit." She tried to argue her point, but was fairly unsuccessful.

"I still expected better of you." Carlos berated her. "Honestly, you're better than this! Couldn't you refuse? You're too smart to agree to housing criminals, especially fictional ones, in your house."

"You accept the fact that they're fictional assassins, turned into kittens, but not that I'm willing to take them in?"

Carlos waved a hand at that. "I've seen plenty of weird things at college, and besides, I already saw one of them change. I can accept that, even if it's weird. But your choices… I know you, and you're smarter than this!"

Jade winced. "Well, probably, but the concept of free will is… limited in this situation."

Carlos's eyes narrowed, and he turned to look at the kittens. Then he turned his head to glare at Deidara, who was still human and awkwardly sitting at the island in the center of the kitchen, one room over. He quickly turned back to his sister. "They didn't threaten you, did they?"

"Carlos?" Jade's expression was… unimpressed. "They were kittens. They couldn't talk. They didn't even understand me because they didn't know any English. Half of them _still_ don't."

"Then why are you saying that it didn't matter how you felt?" Carlos looked at her, forehead creased. "Jade, you know I can't just—"

Jade held up a hand, stopping her brother. "Just… just give me a sec to figure out how to explain this, because it's kind of hard to digest."

After several minutes, Jade sighed and looked up from her interlaced fingers. "Okay, I think I know how to explain it, but you have to promise to not freak out, okay?"

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "Pfft. You already told me that you've got over twenty supposedly fictional assassins living in the house in kitten form, switching back and forth as necessary. I can't imagine that there's anything more mind-blowing than that."

"One of them has a demon in his stomach. Some of them have magic eyes. Some can bring back the dead. At least one of them is capable of regeneration to the point where he is nearly impossible to kill. Need some more, or should I continue to the point?"

"Flying clay birds!" Deidara called from the kitchen, grinning almost slyly.

Carlos ignored the blonde man, and simply stared at his sister. He turned to the kittens. He turned back to her. "I'm going to have to actually read this thing if I want to understand what's going on, aren't I?"

Jade shrugged. "Not really, seeing as you'll probably be able to learn plenty just by talking to them. But that is neither here nor there, so let's just move on."

"Fine. Go ahead and tell me."

Jade rolled her eyes, but started speaking nonetheless. "Okay, these guys aren't technically real, or shouldn't be, right?"

"Right." Carlos nodded and spoke slowly, not quite sure where his sister was leading with this.

"Okay, about that… we aren't necessarily real either."

"…What."

Jade cringed. "The reason we can't be sure of our free will is because most of this is being recorded by an author. She has some modicum of control over our actions, so… I don't know how much of what I'm doing is something I would normally do, and how much is affected by her."

"So this is…"

"We're in a fanfic." Jade put it so nicely, didn't she?

"I… that's just… no. Just… just no." Carlos shook his head. "That's not possible."

"Oh, but it's okay for _them_ to be fictional?" Jade jabbed a thumb over her shoulder at Deidara, who waved again.

Carlos just stared at Deidara, and then back at Jade.

"Carlos?"

"That's not…"

"If they're fictional to us, who's to say that we're not fictional to someone else?"

Carlos didn't reply, just kept staring at her.

"…Hey, Carlos?"

He didn't answer.

"Deidara, do you think I broke him?"

Deidara seemed confused. "I see no bones."

"Never mind."

o.o.o.o.o

"So, Carlos is currently trying to come to terms with the idea of being a fictional character, so I'm just going to leave him alone until he stops freaking out." Jade flopped down on the couch and let her head fall back, groaning. "The one time I need him to be his normal wacky self, and he decides to suddenly be responsible and act like an authority figure."

Deidara glanced over and shrugged, not quite understanding everything. "Eh… he can talk with Sasori-danna, un?"

Jade frowned slightly. "Well, yeah, maybe, but only after he comes to terms with the recent revelations or whatever."

"Reve… ano, what?"

"Revelations. It means, um… f***, how do I explain this… realizations? Information that has only just been revealed." Jade did her best to define the word that had tripped up her conversational partner.

Deidara nodded, seeming to get it.

Jade sighed. "I don't know… maybe I should just work on trying to find transformation cures for a few more people and see how it goes."

Deidara shrugged, and then pointed to the spot next to her on the couch. "Can I sit there?"

Jade raised an eyebrow. "Why couldn't you?"

"I don't know how… protective? I don't know how protective is your brother."

Jade rolled her eyes. "Just sit down. If he tries to freak out over that, I'll take care of it. You don't have to worry, and you don't have to try to show him up. You're a ninja; I think we all know you can take him in a fight."

"In the way you that you took care of why we are here?" Deidara asked, completely innocent.

…Yeah, right.

"Oh, shut up." Jade grumbled, fiddling with the keyboard. "Just sit there and look pretty while I see if I can trigger a cure. About half of them are music-based, so we at least have that to go off of."

"You have ideas for what music?"

"Sort of. I know which two songs I want to _avoid_, because I'm fairly certain they'd cure Orochimaru, and quite frankly, I don't want that." Jade shook her head. "Overall, I'm just going to click around randomly on YouTube for songs that look vaguely plausible, and see if some of them work."

Deidara lay back on the couch, slouching, arms behind his head, legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles.

In other words, he looked like any other bored, lazy teenager.

"Let's see…" Jade clicked the search bar, dithering. "I wonder if… no, that wouldn't… hm…"

'You're Gonna Go Far, Kid' by the Offspring: Negative. No response.

'This Is War' by Thirty Seconds to Mars: Negative. No response.

'I Need a Hero' Shrek Version: Negative. No response.

'We Found Love (In a Hopeless Place)' by Rihanna: Negative. No response.

And so on.

Jade leaned her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes, sighing. "This is… harder than I thought it would be."

Deidara looked at her. "Not as hard as a difficult technique."

Jade shot him a dirty look, huffing. "Well, I'm a civilian, so…"

She gave up on trying to glare him down within seconds. Soon, she glanced at Naruto and then began typing again. "There were two songs that were associated with the 2010 Soccer World Cup," Jade explained for the benefit of whoever happened to be listening, though only Deidara would possibly answer, "And while I don't think Shakira's would have any impact, K'Naan had a song called 'Wave Your Flag,' which I think would apply to Naruto rather well."

"Why?"

Jade shrugged. "Listen, and you might be able to get it. You know enough about him, I think, to be able to fit the places together."

_And we all say:  
When I get older,  
I will be stronger,  
They'll call me freedom,  
Just like a wavin' flag._

Halfway through the song, the screen paused and flickered to black.

Jade frowned. "Maybe it overheated or something."

Deidara put a hand on Jade's shoulder as she began to stand up to go see what the problem was from closer up, and she turned to look at him questioningly. "What?"

He pointed at the screen.

**YOU WIN!**

"Again? Didn't she already do this once?"

**LISTEN, DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS OR NOT?**

"Sure, give me your best. I mean, it's obviously not like you've made enough trouble for me today." Jade's tone was half genuine, half sarcastic.

**GREAT!**

***cough***

**Now, there's a little issue here. Obviously, this song fits Naruto pretty well. Really well. Don't you agree?**

"Fine, I'll agree for now." Jade motioned at the TV to continue.

Deidara got back into his lazy teenager position.

**Unfortunately, there was already a cure picked out for him, but I just couldn't resist the allure of this song. Ergo…**

"Ergo… what? What did you choose to do, oh great and powerful Phoenix? I'd add in wise and wonderful, but I'm not sure about the first, and you've lost all hope for my opinion on the second." Jade scoffed.

**No one asked you, girl. So, we turned it into a half-cure. Basically, you need the original cure, plus this, to change Naruto back.**

"At the same time?" Jade prodded the issue, slightly suspicious.

**Well, I did call it a half-cure, didn't I?**

Jade's eyes widened as she caught the sight of a puff of smoke in the TV's reflection, and didn't turn around to catch more detail.

"Deidara, please do not tell me that Naruto just turned into a literal fox-boy."

"He has furry ears and a tail."

"I told you not to tell me, d***it!"

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: No real comment, here. Just have a nice day, and whatnot. The chapter is late because my Internet has some issues, and wouldn't let me go on FFnet on its bad days/hours.**

**Also! Important poll on my page! You _really_ want to go look at it.  
**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


	28. Uh

Jade hung her head as she heard the ringing of the doorbell. "Godd***it. What _now?_"

Deidara poked her shoulder, urging her to get up. "Maybe clothes, un?"

"Stop poking me, Deidara." Jade stood up, pausing for a second to crack her back before heading to open the door.

"But… it is fun, un!"

"Shut up." Jade stalked out of the room and into the entryway, opening the door with a rather displeased face.

She gazed down at the cardboard box on her front step, completely unsurprised. As was by now the usual, there was a note on top, written in a messy scrawl.

_Jade, darling!_

_Yeah… no. But don't worry, we did some adjustments to play around with the, er, appendages we gave Naruto. It'll be _fine.

_This was mostly Opal's doing, really, though I helped out for a few things. Girl's got a strange way with clothes. So does Di, for that matter, but we don't really trust that she'd do this without some of her _personal_ flair._

_So… yeah. Here's some clothes. Have fun. And… yeah. That's all._

_Cheers!_

_- Emerald_

Jade picked the box up, weighing it in her hands after she noticed a slight irregularity. "Well, I guess it's not as heavy as the others due to the lack of an Akatsuki cloak. Makes sense… I guess."

She turned around and immediately bumped into someone. Jade glared up at Deidara's smirking face, and shoved the box toward him. "Either get out of the way, or carry the box."

Deidara frowned. "…Either, un? What does—?"

"Oh, just move." Jade tried to push past him, and felt a sense of mild gratification as the man moved for her quite easily.

She didn't bother to look at Naruto as she reentered the room, just handed off the box to Deidara and politely asked (re: ordered) him to help Naruto figure out what he was supposed to be doing. "I, on the other hand, am going to sit down and keep playing music in hopes that _something_ comes up."

Jade didn't really care all that much what happened, actually, so long as it didn't cause her trouble. Of course, she'd be angry if they damaged her property, or if they did something that would get Carlos on her case again, but overall… well, she didn't really care.

"So…"

Jade let her head fall back and groaned. "C'mon, Dei. Do you really have to bug me like this?"

"Bug you?"

"Irritate me. Purposely try to get a rise out of me. Make me angry. Any of this getting' through to you?"

"…Un."

"Good. Now, either got back to kitten form or sit down and shut up." Jade slouched slightly further down.

"Er…" Deidara slowly sat down, looking slightly confused.

"What now?" Jade rolled her head to the side, looking down her nose at him.

"What does 'either' mean, un?"

Jade narrowed her eyes at him, but got ready for another round of 'explain the word' nonetheless.

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto… wasn't quite sure how this had happened. He wasn't planning on it, certainly. All he'd wanted to do was hold and pet Sakura-chan, and then he decided to do the same with his other precious people, like Jiraiya, and Kakashi, and baa-chan, and even Sai and Sasuke.

Sasuke had tried to his and scratch him, but the others had put up with it, and a few glares from various people, along with some urging from Itachi, had lead him to allow Naruto to cuddle and coddle him like the rest of the Konoha nin in his lap.

Then Sai decided to go and sit on his head, which was weird, but Sai was weird, so it was okay. And Jiraiya got bored or something, and went to sit on his shoulders, but Jiraiya was weird too. Then Jiraiya was saying something that Naruto didn't understand to Tsunade, and then Tsunade climbed up to his shoulder too. Then Naruto felt Sai batting at his ears, and that was weird and a little annoying, so he told Sai to stop. Then Sakura started purring and yawning in his lap, and Naruto decided he wanted to take a nap too.

Then… something happened. He guessed that Taka had probably followed Sasuke, and so had Itachi, who'd pulled along Kisame, probably, and the Ame trio had probably followed Jiraiya, and he thought that maybe Deidara had put Sasori there, but…

Most of the kittens were asleep on him at the moment, and he wasn't quite sure why. Kakuzu wasn't there, and neither was Orochimaru (for which he was thankful), but other than those two, all the kittens were curled up on his chest, head, or most popularly, his tail. Even Tobi and Zetsu, though he didn't really know why.

Apparently, the fur was warm, soft, and extremely comfortable.

And Deidara was taking a picture.

Jade was standing next to him, smirking. Well, it was half a smile, half a smirk. She probably found it cute, but funny… or something.

"Nanda?" Naruto would have rubbed an eye and sat up to look at them, but he could feel a kitten on his head and more on his chest, so that probably wasn't the best idea.

"You're adorable." Jade stated bluntly.

Naruto stared at her without comprehension, causing Deidara to translate for him.

His face then started burning. Not literally, but when the embarrassment hits, teens are prone to blushing, particularly in manga, anime, and copious amounts of fanfiction.

Jade started laughing, startling more than half the kittens out of their sleep.

"Even if the rest of this has been time-consuming and worthless," She took a deep breath. "This scene, right here, was totally worth it."

"What about my birds, un?" Deidara frowned at her. Well, it was really more of a _pout_, but seeing as Deidara was an S-rank criminal, Naruto didn't want to risk annoying him, even if he didn't know what they were saying.

"Yeah, yeah, the birds were nice, too." Jade patted his head with a condescending smirk. Deidara seemed to take it in stride and turned to look at Naruto again.

"_You really need to work on your English, un, kid. I mean, I'm not the best at it myself, un, but you need to at least study up a _bit_. You won't understand a thing, otherwise."_ Deidara drawled, self-important and arrogant.

Naruto made a face. Studying?

Sakura seemed to realize what he was saying, and slapped his cheek with one small paw. Unfortunately, seeing as she was the smallest kitten of all, and not using her chakra enhancement, her slap was… ineffectual.

No, not quite. Rather, she had a different effect than intended.

Naruto ended up thinking she was cute, rather than seeing her admonition, and started cooing over her, completely distracted.

Obviously.

o.o.o.o.o

Carlos stumbled down the next day, half-asleep and distracted by a sheaf of papers in his hands.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Carlos yawned. "What's for breakfast?"

"French toast. You know where the plates, syrup, cream cheese, and cutlery are. Don't make anything sticky, or you're the one that's cleaning it up. Real food first, and then you can go for the sweet stuff." Jade was at the stove top, a bowl of beaten eggs and slightly stale bread next to her.

"Mm-hm…" Carlos got what he knew he'd need, and then sat back down at the table. "You're still acting like a miniature adult."

"Oh?"

"Still acting like you're the older sibling and like I'm the younger kid that needs looking after." Carlos elaborated.

"Tch." Jade snorted, setting some more bread on to cook. "You're smart, but you're a little short on common sense. I can just see you, five years from now, when you're living alone, so focused on your work that you forget to feed yourself."

She laughed at that, jabbing the air in her brother's direction with her spatula. He shrugged, not denying a thing.

"Hopefully I'll have a girlfriend to live with by then to remind me." He waggled his eyebrows in Jade's direction. "¿Fuera tener una gordita para me, no?"

Jade rolled her eyes, and pointed at the plate holding all the toast. "Comete, Carlos."

"Si, si." He laughed her off and grabbed a few pieces, smearing on the cream cheese.

Breakfast passed in silence, the kittens all having been relegated to their smaller form and sent to eat elsewhere. It was a comfortable silence, not an awkward one.

"You know…" Jade started, "I know it's a bad idea to show them their own show, if only because some of them have secrets that they don't want getting out, but… well, it wouldn't be that bad to show them a different anime, right?"

"What are you thinking?" Carlos leaned back in his seat, hands behind his head. "I mean, I was still hoping this was a dream, but I'll deal with it. Still, what show are you thinking on?"

Jade shrugged. "You know One Piece, right?"

Carlos screwed his face up a little. "That's… the pirate show, right? The one that makes no sense whatsoever?"

"Yeah, that's the one." Jade chuckled. "It's a laugh and a half, but it's got some messages that I'm sure some of them would enjoy."

Carlos shrugged. "Well, it works for me. You're the one that knows this stuff, anyway. Not like it really affects me."

Jade laughed lightly and turned her stare on her brother, a strange smile gracing her face. "Oh, but it does. You're watching with them."

"Wait, what?"

Jade only watched with a smirk as several of her guests, her brother included, bawled at the death of the Going Merry.

Just a week. They really had been obsessed. Sure, some filler had been skipped, but that was filler. Completely unnecessary.

Of course, finding out that Kakashi's cure had been a nice little nose full of Icha Icha had been… awkward.

o.o.o.o.o

**A/N: I know, I know, another short chapter. But I have an excuse this time! I'm in the middle of moving (at the moment, I'm in a car), and most of the week has been spent cleaning to make sure we can get our deposit back. Feel sorry for me: I had to clean the same wall four times because of my brother and sister leaving handprints and footprints on it.**

**Also… I just suffered over a fifty percent drop in reviews in the last two chapters, and I'd really like to know why.**

**And… I'm discontinuing Kiriban review Omake prizes. I just don't have the time or drive. I'm finishing up this one and the one that I promised to Ttran2323, but that's all.**

**Ja ne, Phoenix**

o.o.o.o.o

Omake for the 200th reviewer. Prompt: for Carlos to introduce the kittens to a sport and have them become obsessed fans, to the point of wearing the face paint and all.

…I went out of my way with this one. I also can't remember who suggested it, so…

o.o.o.o.o

"We're watching… Dodgeball?" Carlos frowned at the DVD box in his hands. "Why?"

"Because it's a funny movie that doesn't take itself too seriously." Jade answered, plucking the box from his fingers. "Come on, it'll be fine."

"If you say so…" Carlos sat back in his armchair, dreading what may come.

Fortunately, the movie itself passed without any incident larger than a few people throwing popcorn at one another.

Unfortunately, Carlos then decided to see what would happen if he showed them some actual competitive dodgeball.

There wasn't much, so he decided to see what would happen if he taught them the rules instead.

A word to the wise: don't teach powerful shinobi sports that involve projectiles, no matter how soft, particularly when there are already existing 'factions' for one reason or another.

It will end badly in nine cases out of ten.

Now, Tsunade needs to go back to healing Sasuke's broken femur and Sasori's concussion.


	29. Announcement

**I know you're probably hoping for a chapter update. I'm sorry to say that's not the case.**

**AK:PCO has recently begun dropping in importance to me, because of the rather low return rate I've been having on it. As a result I've demoted AK:PCO to a minor story, which means that there is no longer a deadline for updates. Chapters will now come out based on how inspired I am and on whether it's in place in the cycle.**

**I may decide to upgrade it back to Major at some point.**

**I'm sorry about this. Don't review here, just send me a PM if you want to comment (unless it's a guest review).**

**Ja ne,**

**Phoenix**


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